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insane
Saturday. 2.14.04 2:12 am
so yeah, i broke up with becky which i knew was going to happen for a while. and we were together for a while and it sucks to have to split but it happens. what bothers me even more is the fact that i realize why i was so afraid to leave. its cuase as soon as im alone the feelings i have and have never lost for a girl fuckin hit me like a left hook. and theres no escaping it. she knows how i feel and i know how she feels and its the same way its been forever. but it makes it real hard to be her friend because of it and i dont want to throw that away for her sake. so it puts me in this shitty situation where im like 'what do i do? not be her friend and try to forget it all or try to be there but deal with the pain of never being able to have that which you want more than anything?' and im never gonna be able to sleep tonite because this shit just stays in my head all the time. and it sucks even more cuz she keeps gettin out of bad relationships and everyone knows what i can offer but still nothin happens. why does shit work out like this? i cant get mad at her for not feeling the same way about me as i do her, but then she would also have to understand why i stay out of communication. being single again is like having my old life back, and i still get this same issue ruining my brain like it did before. i guess my relationship was my escape from this but thats no way to live. its as bad as being drunk all day every day. but what other choice do i have? it drives me fucking crazy. my friends go to clubs and just pick up random broads without trying and it happens all the time. and i cant get the one that i want and would do anything for. whats fuckin wrong with me? its like i almost wish i was normal so maybe id have a chance, but if i was normal id be every other retarded asshole and thats not what i want either. fuck this. theres no winning. why make the effort to keep talkin to her and doin stuff when im gonna get this blocked feeling like theres a pot of gold that will make the whole world okay, but its locked and there is no key. fuck i hate this feeling. theres nothing i can do. im always gonna be crazy for her and ill just be the friend. im screwed. fuck this im out
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