"I have a lot of things to talk to you about," said my roommate as I came out of my room. "First of all, where were you for the past three weeks? I thought you got in an accident or something, I thought you were only going to be gone for two weeks!"

Me: I was only gone for two weeks.

Him: Oh..... Huhn.

So apparently while I was gone my landlord asked him if he would move out a month early. It might be because the kid that wants the room needs to move in at the beginning of August. Or, suggests Chris, since the landlord asked both of us to consider moving out early, he just knows that he's charging the new tenants $200 more dollars a month for Chris' room and $100 a month more for mine and charging both $50 extra for parking and $10 extra for internet and he wants to start making that kind of skrilla as soon as possible. "Well... he is Jewish...."

Apparently my landlord said of me to Chris: "Hey, will you make her move out a month early?" to which Chris replied, "Why, yes, seeing as she's under my magic spell, she will do anything I command."

In other news, our house was ROBBED. And when I say robbed, I mean that Patrick, the medical student from downstairs, is also a stripper at a (gay?) club in downtown Providence and he had a huge drawer in his room filled with $1600 in ONES and someone came into his room, bypassing his laptop, mp3 player, and other valuable items and went straight for the drawer, emtpying it of its contents. Patrick was so angry at the theft that he punched two holes right through the wall, meaning that Pedro, (an immigrant from Western Africa who later converted to be an Orthodox Jew as well as our creepy handy-man (once I woke up from a nap and he was in my room, just standing there-- "looking for Chris", he said; once Sarah woke from a nap to see him looking in through her window)) had to come and fix the holes in the wall on the first floor and then come up to the third floor for no reason at all.

Meanwhile, Chris moved out on my landlord's orders, but as it turns out the kid moving in can't come yet anyway. Oops. Then my landlord asked Chris if he would sell his bed to the new kid because the last time they had to get a bed into his room they had to put it in through the window. Chris can't say no to anyone, so he's selling his $800 mattress to the kid for a somewhat unfairly reduced price. My landlord furthermore asked Chris to do a little carpentry work in the basement, which isn't very convenient because he just moved out.

So now Chris is sleeping in his own room again (unbeknownced to our landlord) with nothing in it but his mattress and box-springs and his computer on the floor and fixing up the basement (I haven't noticed a difference, besides the fact that someone apparently removed all of Chris' clothes from the washer down there and threw them on the incredibly, incredibly (like the dust and dirt from several construction projects and like 100 years) dirty floor.

Then Chris noticed that his fan was missing from his room. He had seen Sarah up here stealing random dishes from our kitchen (she's taken whole rolls of our paper towels before, too), and decided that she was the only one who could have taken it. So he calls her and he's like, "Sarah, did you take my fan?" And she's like, "Yeah." and he's like, "WHY did TAKE my FAN?!?!?!?!" And she says sorry and that she'll bring it back. She didn't say why she was in his room, of course, which is two floors above hers with the door firmly shut. And people wonder why I lock my door.

So... the police say that they think someone in the house stole Patrick's thousands of dollar bills from the drawer. Patrick thinks it must have been one of the many little skanky girls (Chris' description: "For a gay guy, it's amazing how many little skanks he has parading through that room. But I guess that's what gay guys do") that Patrick always seems to have over, since they know where he keeps his stash of ones. Everyone else in the house was out of town except for Sarah and the incredibly nice girl on the second floor. Hmm... need a little extra money for your many drug habits/art projects, Sarah dearest? Maybe you had to buy a new fan? Some paper towels? A large glass mixing bowl, perhaps?

Chris: Ones, huhn? You're a stripper, aren't you?
Patrick, smiling guiltily: Well I'm trying to be a model.
Chris: But you're a stripper, aren't you. I saw your furry handcuffs.

Patrick says that he really wants his modeling career to take off because he's tired of going to medical school at Brown University.

Chris: I don't mean to be catty... I mean, I'm not a catty guy or anything, I don't do that... but, I mean... his body isn't that good. I mean, it's ok, but those stripper guys have to have really good bodies, and his... ehn.

Me: Maybe the whole "medical school" thing has been getting in the way of his workouts.

MEANWHILE meanwhile, this company that Chris might work for has offered to pay for the rest of the medical school stuff that stands between him and his MD. In return, they want him to move to a small Caribbean Island in the Dutch Antilles off the coast of Venezuela and tutor kids at the med school there and work in an AIDS clinic, all while preparing for his boards. They're going to pay him, too, in return for agreeing to work for their company for five years afterwards. They don't always do this, he says, but "apparently it's because of [his] transcipts... straight As all the way though, you know, [he's] not bragging, that's just the truth... apparently that like NEVER happens, so you know."

But that causes a problem because he just signed a year's lease for this other house, and he already moved in because my landlord kicked him out (if he hadn't, he would have been able to move directly from our house to the Dutch Antilles). So now he has to find a way to get out of his lease, find a replacement, or sublet it. The problem is magnified because he does need a place to stay when he comes home for the month of December.

He says I can come down and visit him and we can go snorkeling in the crystal clear waters.

So between that and someone having a medical emergency on the plane on the way home from Baltimore and getting sick AGAIN, I'd have to say that my life is almost as interesting as Southern's! Hoo-RAH!

Wow. Such strange occurrences.
» alexsedotcx on 2007-08-05 09:32:31

Chris gets to go to Venezuela? :( Why couldn't I get straight A's in medschool?

A clepto who steals fans?

A gay male stripper who keeps all his money in 1's and has slutty looking girls in his room all night? I wish my roommates were as...

Nevermind. No I don't.
» Dilated on 2007-08-05 11:05:29

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