Helena's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

It was dark and friends were arriving. I was wearing a shimmering pink dress with my curls hastily pinned up. I was wearing heels and it felt as if there was still some makeup left on my face from eariler. The fence surrounding the yard was strewn with white christmas lights, the tables adorned with table cloths of deep reds, purples, blues and greens, each with multiple tea light candles casting eerie shadows along the grass. From nearly invisible wires that ran back and forth the length of the yard hung japanese laterns of every shape and size, all the same dark hues of the table cloths.

Me and a girl friend of mine were talking and laughing complete with drinks in hand. Mine a sparkling green in a martini glasss. My gaze flittering from familiar face to familiar face, each more beautiful than the next, i felt a large sense of contentment wash over me like a wave. The feeling settled in my stomache and I felt as if nothing could go wrong tonight. Not tonight.

Then I notice he's here. Just out of the corner of my eye I see his tall frame gliding away from the drinks and towards me. I'm relieved to see him, I had thought for a moment he might not show. I turn towards him as he reaches me, my girl friend forgotten for the moment. "We need to talk". Worry strikes that purring ball of contentment like lightning and shatters the calm of the evening. "What's up?" I ask trying to sound casual. "Not here, let's walk a little". I turn back to my friend and excuse myself, he takes his hand in mine (unusual) and leads me to a secluded corner where we can still see the festivities but our conversaiton will remain private. "You're making me nervous" I twitter, trying to make light of the situation. He locks eyes with me and says "I'm nervous too". I'm starting to feel uncomfortable, he's acting weird and we've never been this close. "I've been watching you, and I've known for awhile. Everyone says I should have done this sooner but I couldn't, not till now..." I look at him - worry, anxiousness, and wonder all kina mixing around inside me causing me to feel lightheaded. I refocus on him. "...and now that i'm here it's still so hard to say, in fact even right now, at this moment, i'm not sure I can even say it". I reach out my hand and place it in on his arm, "you don't have to if you don't want to" I say trying to comfort him. "no, no, I need to do this and it has to be now." He breathes deeply, steeling himself "I love you. I want to be with you and i'm hopeing that you want the same. (another deep breath and a slight pause) Will you be mine?"

My feet have become roots, my brain has siezed up, the dizzyness threatens to overcome me. I focus on breathing. My eyes search out his to see if this is a joke, if there is any way out of this without pain. I find my answer in his eyes. My heart breaks. "I'm so sorry. I had no idea you felt this way. I don't think I feel the same. But, you're such an awesome guy! You really are! I just....I don't think, no - I don't feel the same." My heart clenches, waiting for his response. My eyes still trained on his I see him inhale a sharp breath, his eyes too full for him to pass off - I watch his heart break, and it breaks mine. In a whisper so quite I almost don't hear him he says "oh, i'm sorry". A seconds pause and he quickly turns around to begin walking off "No, please I still want to know you" I say as I reach out for him and catch his arm trying to make him face me. He turns around quicker than I had anticipated and catches my face in his large hands, his lips are on mine and I can feel his tears wet my cheeks. The kiss is only a second long, but it felt much longer. He breaks it and walks away, without another word, without talking to anyone who asks him if he's ok on the way out.

As I stand there I don't know what to do. I suddenly want nothing to do with this party or it's participants. I gather myself, walk back towards my friend, put down my drink but gather my coat and purse. I walk home. Thinking. I can still feel his lips pressing on mine, my cheeks are still wet from his tears. I get home and go online. I find his journal - he's written a new entry "SOLID HEART" is the title.

and then I woke up.
WTH guys! lol, I don't usually have dreams like this so I thought I would write this one out. It's 8:30 on a sunday and I have to go to work. But I'm REALLY hungry. bleh. I get out at 4 today so I guess it's not sooo bad.

School is going well. A little worried about certain things of course - 'things' of course being well, the school work - lol. But i'm not too worried - i'll be fine. ^_^

Work is 'eh'. Hours were cut back, but one of my co-workers may have found another job. Thus, his hours will be up for grabs, and I can handle that. There's the chance of a promotion coming up in a few months as well. I'm kinda hopeing that pulls through, because if it doesn't then it's time to look for a second job and maybe put off going back to Univeristy for ANOTHER semester. But, that's only if FASFA fails me.

Don't fail me FASFA!!!