Well, alot of what i've had to say recently has been classified as private. Really private. But, I'm ready to speak now. Without the aide of YouTube.

*sigh*

It's amazing how drastically different one Thanksgiving weekend can be from another. Seriously. One opening, one potentially closing. It's all very......well, I guess you never CAN know what's going to happen in a year. I suppose this also means that anything is possible - though contrary to the most used version of that phrase....literally ANYTHING. Good-Bad, Ugly-Beautiful, Painful-Happy....Different members of the family, different addresses, different ports of harbor. This concept has become like the universe to me. It's SO HUGE! It makes me feel infantesamely (sp?) small. But, the fact that God knows me (not OF me) is mind exploding. It's the same concept. The idea that ANYTHING can happen makes me feel inmeasureably scared and cautiously optimistic about the future. It's kind of crazy, huh?

Points of Intrest
Priorities.
I have them. But what of them? What is the order? I have a habit of lumping things together. Much like Potatoe Salad instead of a 3 course meal. It can make things a little confusing, though there is sometimes the surprise ingredient in the Potatoe Salad (but that can go either way too...). I need time to work through all of this and figure out what goes where and what weighs what. It's more complicated than you might think.

I've made a few decisions.
Firstly, I'm going home for Christmas. A full week. I am burst-out-my-heart-excited about it. I get to go home!! My own bed, my own living room, my backyard....my garage. I have forgotten how home smells, or how it feels to wake up in the room I grew up in and hear my mom making breakfast while she talks to dad. It's going to be real down time. Though, when my grandmother gets there I think I'll want to be anywhere else but there. It's part of the "family deal" though. I invited someone along - but, i knew they wouldn't. For one or another more than valid reason. It was a true invitation though.

I'm going to turn over a leaf. Possibly a few. In fact, it could be considered more like raking. Things I want to tackle over the next year? My self-worth. I want to be more confident. Not just in looks, but in who I am. Which is something else I need to totally figure out. Who I am, what I believe, why I believe it and to what ends I'm willing to stretch that belief. I also want to lose weight. Not for looks or anything, but to feel more comfortable in my own skin, and to get out of the plus size department. I'm getting older and my health is a huge factor - especially with my background. Also, sometime in the next TWO years, I want to go on a date. It doesn't even need to be with someone "special" I just refuse to hit 25 and still be in the same rut. Even if it's just once. Even if it's just a movie. Even if NOTHING happens. Even if it's pretty much just in name.

I'm going to figure out school. Not in a vague way - but with hard facts. How many hours precisiely do I need? How much money exactly will it cost? I'm going to apply for FASFA - early. I'm going to figure out when I need to move back to Denton. How many and which classes I can take online. I'm going to finish up. I'm tired of being behind a counter. Though....I worry at how good of a teacher I'll make. Really worry.

I want to learn something. Get involved somewhere....doing....something. Knitting? Crochetting? Scrapbooking? Karate? Dance? Embroidering? A Book Club? Swimming? Cooking School? Anything. I just want....to have a talent. I just want something that's mine. Something unique to me.



I guess that's it. I just felt like I hadn't said anything. I feel....lighter.......a little. I am by no means 'better' but I don't have to concentrate to breathe. Not all the time anyway.


I had a good morning. Besides the lack of sleep I suffered due to an over active imagination (dreams) I was able to do something I haven't done in months and which I found I missed terribly. I laid in a bed that was not my own covered by a blanket that does nothing but tease you with warmth and listened to music that wasn't mine. It reminded me of.....earlier. At one point I got a little misty because of the choice of song, but nothing extravagant. It was nice to just lie there and have no worries for a few minutes. Just let myself drift.

Drifting is nice.

~Helena

WOAH, an entry! :D Can I have the password to the other one?
I like your updated look. I liked the last one too, but this one makes me feel warmer. Especially because the song playing isn't about Ice.

Sounds like you have a good checklist there. That's what they always say you need among the self-help people... goals that you can actually write down and that you have defined well enough so that you can actually check them off. My roommate Thalweg is always saying that she needs a white board to write down her life plan. But yeah, I always feel more in control when I write out my life plan on paper, including numbers (like how much money I have to save each month to reach a saving goal, or all of the steps I will have to take to reach a more complicated goal). It's quite empowering. In fact, you have inspired me, I think I will do that right now and also look at my old goals to see how I'm doing. I think I accomplished my goal of losing five pounds, but then I unaccomplished it recently... oops.
» Zanzibar on 2008-12-09 06:22:05

The WOAH part of your title becomes void after a few weeks.
» elessar257 on 2008-12-18 03:39:49

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