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Hate.
Friday. 3.30.07 5:50 pm
So, I suppose some stuff has happened to me.

I've recently accquired a second job so now my free time is close to nill. I work at HEB as a bagger and at one of the local movie theaters as an usher. The work is alright, it's physical....it's not 'oh my word, I can't do this I need out' .... but it is physical. In fact, I think from all the walking around; lifting of soda boxes, and bringing in of carts, I've actually lost weight. However, I was late twice to my job at HEB . Once, because I had a spider bite that was starting to look unhealthy so i went to the Doctor and secondly, because I hadn't realized the schedule had been released and I didn't know I worked. However, that was enough to get me written up on account of tardiness and now, if i'm late again...I lose my job. Go.Me.

As for my home?
Well, things could be better. One of the main things that's really keeping me going is the fact that I know I leave in 4 weeks. I feel as if I should feel bad about leaving my brother here, but I don't. He's a good strong kid - he'll do fine. Besides, I won't always be there for him, he's gotta learn sooner or later. This whole semester has been stupid. Eh, it hasn't been stupid - I've been stupid. In so many ways it's....well, i'd say ubelievable, but it's probably not to those who know me. I simply hesitated, pondered and was scared for too long. See, one of the things that I didn't mention in my last entry was that my parents didn't know I was going to New Orleans. I stupidly wanted it to be a secret. Well, as what usually happens with me and secrets - the truth came out. My friend Elessar257 had TOLD me to tell my parents. Did I listen? Nope. Why? Cause I'm stupid. So, now my parents are off the charts upset at me. They have every right to be. So, yea. I should have just told 'em I was leaving. I should feel more guilty for what I did - but the only thing I feel bad/guilty about is not telling them. I don't regret going, though I do wish some things had gone better. So, in my parents eyes - I'm skating on thin ice. To cap things off? I realized just right now that I may have lost 2 of my paychecks. I was trying to look for a reciept my parents wanted for their taxes last saturday and in the process of cleaning out my car....I may have thrown them away. Brilliant, aren't I? oh yea. It's a wonder people don't trust me with more reesponsibility. Seriously. When I go into work (@ 6) tonight I have to go ask if they can put a stop payment on the check and if I can somehow recover them. To which, I'm pretty sure I can.

The only thing that makes me feel at all better about myself, is church. I count down days 'till Sunday so that I can go to service. Then I stick around until everyone is gone (even though I know only a handful of people there) simply because I don't want it to end. I'm getting baptised on Sunday. I'm uber excited about it. Through a few conversations and a few lesons I've really begun to understand the concept that God loves me. That God LOVES....me. Which at the same time is humbling, and a real confidence booster. One of the main reasons I was so excited about it was because my parents were going to go. Now, they're not sure they can. My dad's surgery on Monday is early early in the morning, and my baptism is in the evening on Sunday. It's dissappointing sure - but I can't say I blame them. Not to mention, I'm not so sure they want to go. I wouldn't want them to if it was simply a 'because they have to' sort of thing. I don't want to force anyone, ya know? In any case, I'll have a few friends who have decided they're going for sure, and either way, my brother will be there. As long as my brother is there - it's all gravy. I love that kid.

These past two weeks I've had alot to chew over and reasses. I've been on the emotional rollercoaster and I want off. I'm tired of being indecisive, retardedly emotional, and thoughtless (when it counts). I've grown weary of quite a few things and the only one who can change 'em is me. So...here I am. Ready to make change. Changing, in fact. It's hard going and I tend to (obviously) make certain relapses, but the change is occuring. Is it weird to say that I think i'm changing back into the person I used to be? I hadn't realized that I had changed that much from out of High School - but apperently...I had, and that change wasn't good. Who I was in High School? Psh, I was awesome. I was confident, I was graceful, I was a dancer, I was smart, and athletic, I was always surrounded by people who loved me, and I had a (metaphorical) set of balls that rivaled anyone I knew/know. Then, somehow...I grew meek. I've grown quiet, scared, and I doubt myself at every turn. And, I hate it. I've never needed anyone's approval before, why the heck should I need it now? Not to mention, now that God is on my side in all of this? Aint no one in the 'verse that could stop me. No one. I want to be me again.
11 Comments.


"So, in my parents eyes - I'm skating on thin ice."
You are. And you don't even know what you're about to lose.

"It's dissappointing sure - but I can't say I blame them."
Yeah, I can't say I blame your ill father for thinking about his silly little health over your baptism either.
And they really must not want to go that much after moving around the surgery dates and stuff just for YOUR baptism. I mean, they seem SO apathetic about your baptism. I don't know HOW you stand it...

"now that God is on my side in all of this?"
God is ONLY on your side if your on His.
It's the way he works.


And lastly... Amores Perros? Really? You know better than that. Take it off.
» elessar257 on 2007-04-01 02:27:23

AND Wise Up.
» elessar257 on 2007-04-01 02:28:10

geez man, elessar is pretty harsh on you, sugah. I hope your baptism goes great! I know it's really important and I hope your parents come. Sometimes it's hard for people to understand how important it is for the person whose being baptized. I'm glad that you're on the relentless self-improvement train... together we shall really make this year of 2007 into The Year of Our Triumph, indeed!
Yeah, I guess you should have told your parents that you were going to New Orleans, I think that since your dad is sick and all that they are probably just especially touchy about having their little chickens too far from the coop. When you're worried about somebody, it's extra stressful to worry about someone else, because then it feels like everything is coming apart, ya know? Recently I reread this book called "The Enchanted Castle" by E. Nesbit. It's about an enchanted castle and a princess and a magic ring and it's totally awesome and my mom read it to me as a kid, but reading it this time around, it really made me rethink how kids should be towards adults... really, it made me feel bad for all the times I didn't call my parents to tell them where I was. But yeah, it made me see everything in a new light. But the way of life is that you never learn lessons like these until AFTER you need them.

Oh, and you should totally ask them if you can sign up for direct deposit of your paycheck into your bank account. Now I lose my paychecks all the time but it doesn't matter because the money is already in my bank account, yeehaw. I think practically employer offers it and it's really easy to sign up for, you just need your bank account number I think.

One time I was thinking about how much I would have to love somebody to go through all of the horrible crap that Jesus went through for them, and man, that was humbling. I don't think I could do that, that would suck. I totally don't deserve that kind of redemption. But I got it anyway, that's so cool!
I hope you become the person you were in high school again. Or even, a totally new person which joins the confidence of your high school self and the perspective of your college self into a brand new super-Helena-ballena. ;) :D


» Zanzibar on 2007-04-01 10:12:59

wow, that's like the longest comment I've ever left. I should have made it a note.
» Zanzibar on 2007-04-01 10:13:20

They're coming!
Turns out what we'll do is go to my deal and then leave to San Antonio from the church. My brother and I will only be there for that day seeing as we both have either work or school on tuesday.
» Helena on 2007-04-01 10:28:37

and he was talkin' bout the music. I tend to be a bit of a music klepto. ^_^
» Helena on 2007-04-01 03:01:22

The first time I went to HEB was in Laredo. I probably saw you there.

AND YOU DIDN'T SAY HI

K time to finish reading..
» Dilated on 2007-04-04 11:16:54

You just got the job and you're gonna be fired? I lost my scholarship check.. I found it, but yeah. I know what that feeling is like.

I like the last paragraph. How are you now that you're back at home? Grow another set of (metaphorical)balls?

» Dilated on 2007-04-04 11:21:13

STOP COMMENTING ON YOUR OWN PAGE BY THE WAY
» Dilated on 2007-04-04 11:21:25

And tell Zanzibar to stop making multiple comments
» Dilated on 2007-04-04 11:21:38

IT IS RUUUDE
» Dilated on 2007-04-04 11:21:44

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