So, first off - I hate Red Lobster. It's not that the people suck, or that the work is too hard, or even that I can't do it. No, it's the stability of the work that's driving me up the wall. Hours? Who knows. How much will I get paid? Who knows. At the current moment I am really not up leaving my paycheck in the hands of other people. So, to rectify this unfortunate choice in employment - I applied as a tutor/after school program assitant at one of the local school district. I'll be appling to the other school district as soon as all my school transcripts come in. I also applied at one of the movie theaters around here. With my experience and one of my best friends (who worked there for a year and a half) as a refrence - I'm nearly positive that I'll get the job. Am I content with this decision? It's a toss up - and my heart is still on a pendulem about it all. At momments I'm ok with it. I think to myself - Well, it's halfway over. At other times I think I can't do it and want to scream at the top of my lungs. I've decided to stick it out for as long as I can. I hope that I can save enough money in enough time to take off relatively soon.

I also talked to my father. Told him all I needed to tell him about us. I cried, I screamed I did my thing. He sat next to me and argued for a little while here and there - but basically he said nothing except I'm sorry. Then he fell asleep. The fact that he fell asleep means more to me than the 'I'm sorry's'. It's hard to explain - but it's true. So, now he wants to try and better our relationship; I don't know what he can do, and I told him that straight up. He asked if I could forgive him - I said 'yes, eventually'. I know it wasn't dramatic or impressive but it was what it was. He asked at one point if this was what I wanted - if having a better relationship with him was what I wanted. I said the first thing that came into my head, because it was true, 'I don't know'.

I've also been going to church. I want to try and get into a small group but I'm torn about it. Which is weird I know but let me explain: See, one of my close friends with whom I have been neighbors with for over 18 years is the leader of the college aged small group. Which seems fine and dandy doesn't it? Well, I have this thing - Sometimes I think that people get protective of their space (which may or may not ever be the case) but I don't want to be stepping on any toes. She's been a leader for years - years upon years. I just don't want her to be feeling akward because I'm there ya know? So, I'm just not sure. I'm just not sure.

On the other hand, I've discovered a nook. My own little corner where I can get away from everything while i'm here. See that same neighbor that I was talking about previously? Well, they moved out of their house a few months ago so it's been abandoned for quite a bit. They have a nice little porch with a swing under it so I've been seeking solitude there. Technically it's a car porch so it's covered on 3 sides by brick so it's about as lonely as you can get. I've taken up writing a bit more and I've also taken up doodling - which I used to do quite often but have in recent years not done as much. I've been trying to read whenever I can but am yet to get through the one book that I've been working on for about a month (Watership Down).

There's also a few things that I've been trying to work out personally. My self-image and self-worth to be exact. I've always known that I have issue with this particular area in my life - but hasn't been until recently, with a few well placed words - that I've realized just how bad this really and trully is. Where it comes from or how to fix it, I'm not sure.

I feel washed upon
a familiar shore
and now that I'm on solid ground
I feel like I was actually home at sea.

I hate watership down. Bunnies are evil, and that book proves it.

You're a trespasser! WIth your nook, and all. You should find a cranny.

Can you see yourself as a teacher in five years?
» Dilated on 2007-02-08 02:21:50

If you CAN see yourself as a teacher...
then you should resign to living in Laredo.

Abandoner.
I hate you.
» elessar257 on 2007-02-08 02:33:39

P.S.
"I didn't get into any of that till college..."

I hate existing in the same reality as Laredo.
» elessar257 on 2007-02-08 02:34:45

aww.. what a sad blog. I hope you can sort things out soon.
» kKAMa67 on 2007-02-08 02:56:52

Sharks are cartilagenous fish..you are correct. Gold star for you for the day! And always keep in mind that while three sides are bricked in and offer complete solitude, the fourth side is completely open to the world!
» etheracide on 2007-02-08 08:34:34

yea, I was *wrong*. My friend and I were debating and I made....a rather ridiculous comment (I now realize). I said sharks were reptiles. I feel kinda stupid about it - even though it's not completely my fault.
» Helena on 2007-02-08 09:10:41

when I was in high school I used to work for my dad at his warehouse. It was a huge warehouse and at the time it wasn't completely full. I was supposed to sweep the inside and weed the outside. So sometimes if it was time for lunch or a break, I'd be out weeding by the railroad track and I'd go around to this door that was totally blocked off, that was sheltered from all four sides by overgrown vegetation. I'd just go there and listen to music and think. It was so peaceful. Places like that are priceless.
» Zanzibar on 2007-02-09 12:23:10

ZANZIBAR CAN'T TOUCH ME
» Dilated on 2007-02-10 03:37:40

Hey
Its Helena.

You should really consider updating. I mean, be more like me!
» Dilated on 2007-02-12 01:34:10

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.