Went to Waves of Faith today. They had food . I heart food.

However, there was deffinately something....not there today. I realized what it was as some of the people were up on stage talking. I'm trying to find God - and you gotta believe me when I say that I'm honestly searching, but something's holding me back. I hadn't realized it until today. These people that I'm starting to sorta kinda get to know were up there talking about the first time they atteneded the church and about how they felt about it. That they were 'home' or that they cried when they finally realized it. The first time I went to Chi-Alpha I couldn't stop bawling. It was then I realized that I needed God back in my life. I haven't cried at Waves of Faith. I have however been hearing things. I've been making the connections from the sermon to my life, so that's gotta count for something right? Like today, my pamhlet was full of notes (and drawings, what can I say, I like to doodle) about things that were being said, quotes from the pastor, different bible verses, and examples of people in my life that those situations could relate to. So I'm getting the message - but is that enough? Today I saw a woman be re-baptised. The thought ran through my head if I were to be ever able to do that. I'm not sure. I feel like I'm doing this, and that it makes me happy - but that I have to do it in secret from those I love. Mom, Dad, Ed, Mel, varioius other friends - I mean certain ones know and are praying for me about it but these others I cant talk to about it for various reasons. Most wouldn't approve in one way or another - or wouldn't care, I'm not sure which is worse. It's almost as if I feel guilty about being there, as if I'm cheating (which is odd seeing as I have no idea what cheating is like seeing as I've never been in a relationship...). Is that odd? Am I just out of the loop fruity pebbles crazy here? All of this in a sense I guess makes me very shy. When I'm shy - I shut down. I'm assuming it's not a good thing to go all 'hermity' on God right? Maybe that's what it is. I guess all I'm saying is I just haven't had any real thunderbolt moments at WOF, if anything it's been more of a constant drizzle. The thunderbolts I have recieved have been over at XA. I haven't set in stone what it means yet - but I am open to suggestions.

Hung out with a really close friend all of today. It was honestly the most fun I've had in quite a long time. I haven't laughed that much in so long I can't even begin to remember. After church we went back to his house and talked to his mom for a little bit. I was all shades of happy because I basically understood what they were saying to each other (go me!). We took a mini trip down memory lane via music and fought over a song I wanted to listen to (I still think it was because he was sitting in a chair...*frustrated face* lol j/k). However, his jeep had died and I was helping him get a jump. So, since i'm not car-literate and just to make sure we wouldn't fry each others cars, I called dad to make sure that we were doing it right. Dad and I 'talked' for a few min. and he informed me that he wanted to 'speak' to me later on in the evening (never a happy occasion). I said ok and hung up the phone. Then I went all 'boo hooey' because I knew what that conversation was going to be like. The thought of that looming convsation hovered over me the rest of the day like....a bee hive. ( I would have said a rain cloud but I like rain clouds.) In the end we fixed his jeep, grabbed some food and talked about life and all it's intricasies. I started to go a little overboard in the emotional department because my brain started putting pieces together that I dont want to think about at the current moment, and before things could get worse - I bolted. *sigh* Not my proudest moment.

Called home when I got home (huh....look at that). Talked to Mom for a few minuets and then she passed the phone over to....him. We talked for about 15 min. The conversation was basically him telling me what a worthless, lazy, incompetent, unresponsible, reckless, careless, unthankful, ungrateful, horrible, stupid person I am while I responded with nothing but the words 'yes sir' and 'no sir'. Towards the end I think it thew him off more that I wasn't fighting back. He was pretty pissed. He also mentioned that I am by no means staying up here if I don't bring my grades up. I would have NO IDEA how I would do it....none, but I'm not going home. I'd have to work full time and...I don't even know - but there's no way he could stop me. I'm not going back home. He passed the phone back to mom who talked to me about how badly I need to get another job, but how I need to keep balance between that new job and school. I told her about the one over in Fort Worth and she said that that couldn't happen simply because of the wear on my car. She doesn't know I've been attending church down there every sunday for about a month (or going down for random visits either).

I know I wont end up sleeping and freaking out randomly after I see it - but, I have this horrible urge to see The Grudge 2. Of course there are a plethura of movies that I have on my list that I'm yet to see such as Kinky Boots, Finding comedy in the muslim world, Iron Jawed Angels, and The Sience of Sleep. Not to mention I can't wait for Marie Antoinette and Happy Feet to come out. I have high hopes for both these movies (more so for Happy Feet though).

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