I'm alone in my living room with a pizza in the oven and Extreme Home Makeover on the tv.

We talked at Subway. I was asked if I was depressed. I answered before I even thought about so I suppose the answer is yes. Well, after a 2 hour conversation I have plenty to chew on.

I didn't go to Church today. Not just WOF but any church. I stayed home and did....well, nothing. I tried to find a job online, but that's about it. I didn't talk to anyone and I did nothing productive. I can't even distract myself with cleaning properly. I don't know why I didn't go. I guess in the end I just didn't want to see....anyone. But I felt.....missing as well. I suppose I'm not toally dead on the inside.

Well, that wasn't a totally EMO statment was it?...lol.
I don't even know when all this started. I think the first domino was last December. When I flunked out for the second time. Everything that has preceeded that event has....well, not been good. Even the few good things that have actually made me happy....well, in the end they've either a)made no one but me happy or b) have caused severe loss or pain to others and myself. I'm so confused. I'm happy where I'm at even though it isn't the "best" place and things are going to be really tough for awhile. I'm....happy. I feel GOOD when I wake up in the morning. But I feel as if I'm so alone in this feeling and that brings my spirits to the lowest of lows. My happiness brings others sadness. How twisted am I? I'm tired of feeling alone.

Church has been making me sad. Even talk of God has been causing me to tear up. I talked to him this morning though. I laid in bed, opened all my windows and got on my knees and prayed. I've lost Him. I'm confused and worried and I don't want to be a bad person. But, I don't want to give up the few good things that I have. Even if they don't really want me in return. I'm tired of feeling alone.

Perhaps this is all me. Perhaps this is nothing but a problem of perception. Perhaps these past few months have permanently damanged me - if not physically then mentally. Perhaps I'm broken. Perhaps I am that tea cup that I heard about except I got tipped over and now i'm chipped. Would anyone really want a broken tea cup? How many artists keep their defunked work?

I'm really trying, you know? But it never really seems to be enough. Some people can go off and be completely happy by themselves. That's not to say that I can't...but I don't really want to be alone. I'd have no trouble going on vacation by myself...but if you have no one to share that with....then why? It's the same reason I won't cook if I don't really have anyone to cook for. I just want to be around someone. Not the same someone forever and ever (well, not yet) but as for now I just want to be around people. I want to share experiences, movies, shows, food, laughter, jokes, news, family, holidays...everything.

I want my happiness to be ok. I don't want to feel judged for my sliver of happiness. I keep it under lock and key now, in the upper regions of my emotional bookshelf. Someone I know that's there but never really go near.

I'm just ranting.

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