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Memores acti prudentes futuri

It's easier to complain
but there is beauty in the mundane
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Passive Aggressive Notes
Friday, October 10, 2014
I shared an unfinished personal project with my writing group tonight. Genie said parts of it were depressing, but in a way he could relate to, and other parts were so depressing he wondered if things could actually be that way in real life. Then he teased me about never writing happy endings.

At first I protested, but when I looked through the pieces I've shared with the group, I noticed he was kind of right. I don't have "happy endings" in the sense most people would think of. They're usually either neutral or sad/bad/confusing.

This was the happiest ending I could find in my writings. It's a twenty minute writing exercise we did in August-- the prompt was to write something based on "Am I crazy? I must be crazy."


The smile so wide it hurt. The feeling in his chest, like water being held back by a dam. The tears of laughter blurring his vision.

Am I crazy? I must be crazy.

His teeth felt dry from the extended exposure to the air. He wasn't sure if he could even push his lips back down over them. A closed-mouth smile would require more willpower than he had to spare.

Happiness. That elusive feeling. That ultimate goal. That primary motivator. Or so they said, at least. Was this it? Had fortune finally decided to favor him? He was afraid to embrace the feeling, lest the universe decide it had mistakenly allotted some luck to the wrong person.

Don't fight it.

It was okay to smile. Okay to laugh. Hadn't he wanted to for so long? Hadn't he wondered how it would feel? And here it was, and he was feeling it, and the feeling was good.

Freedom. It could have been this way so much sooner, if only he hadn't held back. He looked at the people moving toward him, saw the looks on their faces. It didn't matter what they thought of him now. He was done being afraid, being self-conscious, being ashamed and unhappy. This was it.

He was liberated, he was unstoppable, he was going faster than he'd ever gone before. The world flew by as a flash of vivid colors.

He hit the pavement with a heavy thud.

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Finding songs
Thursday, October 9, 2014
A discussion about what dates and love are with my friend Matt led me to look up songs titled "This Is Love" because the song "What Is Love?" doesn't answer the question it poses. I found some not very good songs and also this one:

(The lyrics don't start until about halfway through)

And your legs are running
Running all over this town
And I will try to catch you
I will try to, try to slow you down
And it's impossible to think
What you'll say or how I'll act
When I come right out and tell you
This is love and that's a fact

This is love and that's a fact
This is love and that's a fact
This is love

It's unfortunate
That all your friends are junkies
I will not mock or judge them
'Cause once or twice I've been there too
I've learned to lose a lot from love
I've learned to try and try again
I've learned to be the one that helps
I've learned to not give up on friends

I've learned to not give up on friends
I've learned to not give up on friends
I've learned to not give up

I wanted you for so long
Thoughts of you, they fill my heart
We should take off all our clothes
I'm sure you're the one for me
I'll catch up to you one day
Or maybe you'll just slow down
And I will ask if I'm the one
If you could really ever be with me

I appreciated the sentiments in these lines a lot:
I've learned to lose a lot from love
I've learned to try and try again
I've learned to be the one that helps
I've learned to not give up on friends

Sometimes I'm tired of falling down and getting up again, but staying down isn't a better option.

Today I was thinking about the little daydreams I've had about the future. Most often they include a steady romantic partner doing normal everyday things with me. They also often involve one or both of us making mistakes. Things I've written about before on here... Things like forgetting the salt in a batch of baked goods. Getting lost in an unfamiliar place together. Maybe even using the wrong setting for the laundry and ending up with a ruined piece of clothing.

I had never really wondered why I daydream about those things, but after considering it for a bit, I think it might be because I hope for a relationship in which I feel comfortable messing up around the other person. A relationship in which there isn't pressure to be perfect or always on the mark. It would be nice to have someone to laugh off mistakes and misfortunes with. And we can reassure each other that whatever bad happens, things will be okay and work out in the end. Is that more or less what unconditional love is?

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More old music
Thursday, October 9, 2014

If you don't love me, oh if you don't love me

You can tell me anything,
You can tell me anything,
I'll believe you,
You know it too
Shame the truth with lies
Say the sun won't rise
Only realise

If you don't love me, oh if you don't love me
I will know, I will know, whoah whoah whoah
If you don't love me, oh if you don't love me
I will know
I will know

You can ask me anything,
You can ask me anything,
I will do it,
You know it too
Nothing I won't do
If you want me to
But it's also true

If you don't love me, oh if you don't love me
I will know, I will know, whoah whoah whoah
If you don't love me, oh if you don't love me

If you don't love me oh if you don't love me
I will know (I will know)
I will know, whoah whoah whoah
If you don't love me, oh if you don't love me
I will know (I will know)


Haven't listened to this song in awhile. I have an electronic remix kinda version of it without the lyrics, but I rather like the lyrics, so maybe I should get the original version. The theme in it is interesting to me... a lot of songs are about love, but not in this particular way. As best I can tell, he's saying that it doesn't matter whether or not the person he's singing to loves him, because he'll still believe everything they say and do anything they ask. And he's not deluding himself about how things are, he's being upfront about the fact that he'll know if he isn't loved. Yet that doesn't deter him from pledging himself to this person...

And I wonder, what is that? Why would you tell someone those things? Is he confessing a helplessness of sorts? A strange sort of trap he's fallen into? Or is this a declaration of love on his part in some twisted indirect way? I can't help but be curious about the train of thought behind this song. Though the words themselves are very simply strung together and the lyrics aren't the most poetic I've lately come across, there seem to be a lot of hidden implications here that make me think.

I guess it would be kind of nice to have someone to discuss the meanings of these things with.

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Part of the weekend [3P]
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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Difficulties with perception [4P]
Thursday, October 2, 2014
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Recognition, realization, remembrance [4P, same as 8/8/14 and 9/6/14]
Sunday, September 28, 2014
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Oldish musics
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Enjoying some not-so-new songs. :)

I've been playing a lot of indie games these past few days... There are tons of free ones on Gamejolt and itch.io that you can download or play in a browser. I also got a couple Steam coupons and bought some new games... The Raven: Legacy of a Master Thief and Van Helsing II. I liked the first Van Helsing a lot so I'm looking forward to cracking that one open. Not sure when I'll find the time to do that though, between the other things I have going on now. School... volunteering... internship... Skype sessions (for work and play :P).

In less nice news, I got my prescription moisturizer today and the price was apparently $170 (It was $60 before)... :( If I don't shower too much and use it sparingly I can easily make it last several months, but still, it's expensive. :\ Hopefully I won't need more until I have insurance again.

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'Bout time...
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Had my first day of my senior year of college today. Only two years late... >_>

It was pretty good overall though! I don't like our schedule as much this year, and our classroom got moved so we get basically no wifi access (which sucks), but our classes seem like they'll be interesting, and Sean came and hung out with us today at lunch and then stayed for our last class. After that, Fro, Vicky, Sean, and I went to get smoothies/bubble drinks. Hung out awhile more there, then got some snacks at food trucks. I didn't end up getting home until after six, and considering I left the house at like nine, it was a fairly long day.

I'm pretty tired now, but I need to write some stuff for my internship before tomorrow, so I guess I ought to get on that...


I feel so warm and nice right now! Not sure if the external temperature is just very comfortable or if it's the good feelings. And it's not like things are perfect at all, because I can certainly see things that aren't how they would be in my ideal world, but it doesn't matter, I guess. Flaws and incongruities are okay. They're just bits of static in the background of this warm fuzziness.

Thinking about novelty and problems and approaching like a human instead of withdrawing like an animal. Maybe you protect yourself if you withdraw, but you don't learn that way. And I'm more interested in learning than protecting myself. I don't know if that means I just haven't had enough reason to be afraid or if it means I'm brave enough to persist despite the risk. Maybe it's secure attachment. Maybe I was just born into advantageous circumstances. Who knows, really?

My body carries through my future selves but my mind is flexible and can change with each of them. I think my inner self heals more easily than my outer self. You can stitch yourself together after a trauma but it's hard to regrow a limb, or an eye, or a finger. Those external circumstances, those limiting factors, that facticity, are uncontrollable. There is much more control, many more possibilities and pathways, inside.

I ought to sleep. I'm sleepy and my mind is banging into thoughts haphazardly like a ball in a pinball machine.

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