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Memores acti prudentes futuri

It's easier to complain
but there is beauty in the mundane
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
Online Radio

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Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Axe Cop
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Bear Nuts

Blue Milk Special
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Cigarro & Cerveja
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Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
The End
Evil Diva
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The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
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Medium Large
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Natalie Dee
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Out There
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Two Guys and Guy

Wilde Life
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Bag of Toast
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Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
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Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED

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Meat and Plastic
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Damn You Auto Correct!
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I'm not sure I've ever done this before
Sunday, October 26, 2014
A friend (the same one who recommended It's Such a Beautiful Day) suggested I read Ubik by Philip K. Dick. I thought it was going to be a short story, and started reading it a few hours ago. Once I finished it, I looked it up on Wikipedia and realized it was a novel.

Welp. I suppose that would explain why it took roughly three hours to finish. So uh, I guess I accidentally read a full book tonight. First time for everything?

I sort of liked it. I liked it enough to get over my dislike of reading lengthy things on the computer, anyway. So maybe that means I found it very engaging?

(I wonder if I'll ever stop using my behavior to gauge my feelings about things?)

Some parts of it were very scary though. Even though I almost exclusively read science fiction and horror, sometimes the combination of the two is almost unbearably unsettling.


It's strange to think that it's been seven months since I broke up with my ex. It feels like a lifetime ago. Those two and a half years are so nebulous in my memories now. A few things I remember clearly, but none of it seems real. I guess that sometimes my life now doesn't entirely feel real either, though.

In some ways I feel more unstable now than I did before, but I also feel more creative and contemplative. Less tethered to practicalities. I have privately wondered (worried?) on various occasions if the urgently creative/expressive part of me was dead or gone forever. If I'd ever see it again. I wondered what happened to me. I was never sure if it was just some natural consequence of aging or what. And I missed it, you know? That was something important to me. That need for expression. But it seemed I couldn't force it to come back, and I resignedly accepted its absence. I wonder if I'll get back some interests too? Sometimes I think about my life and I feel like I'm not truly interested in anything, and I have to refer to lists I made in the past if people ask me what my hobbies are, and it seems sad and embarrassing.

And I think if the internet didn't connect me to people I care about and want to talk to, I would try to stay off the computer more. I've been feeling like too much computer usage is related to some of these issues, but it's so hard to stop.

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Existential Life Crisis Lullaby
Saturday, October 25, 2014

I found this song today and I find it mm... amusing? I'm not usually fond of this musical style but I enjoy it here. The lyrics are pretty great.

This one is also pretty funny.

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Friday, October 24, 2014

A friend recommended this to me. While I'd seen other works of Don Hertzfeldt's, I hadn't seen It's Such a Beautiful Day before. Some parts of it felt deeply relevant to my own experiences, despite the fact that I haven't actually been in the situation the main character is in. He told me to watch it when I had a "clear mind" but I'm not sure if that was necessary. I feel I might have found it striking regardless. It really is amazing.

I ended up watching a few other Hertzfeldt shorts afterward. I thought this one was pretty amusing.

Youtube autoplayed the next video after that, which was The Meaning of Life. It had some Tchaikovsky pieces in it that I hadn't heard in awhile, one of which was the Waltz of the Flowers from The Nutcracker.

I think my mom used to take me to see The Nutcracker every year, but at some point I didn't want to go anymore. I think I would like to see it again now though. I might have more appreciation for it as an adult than I did as a child. Plus I haven't seen a live performance of anything in awhile. Maybe something to do over my winter break...

I remember listening to the soundtrack for The Nutcracker when I was little. The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy was my favorite track, and I would sit in the living room in front of the CD player and replay it over and over. I didn't like the Arabian Dance though, I thought it was scary.

Occasionally I'll hear a piece of classical music somewhere and feel deeply moved by it in some way, and then want to hear a bunch more classical music. I'm not sure if that really happens with other types of music so much, even though I listen to classical music pretty infrequently compared to other types.

I want to do... something. I'd like to see the stars without light pollution, or walk barefoot on a beach with fine sand. And I want to lie on a smooth stone slab in the shade on a hot day. And feel a piece of warm metal in my mouth. I want to brush my lips against a piece of flannel... and lightly run my fingertip around the edge of someone's ear. I want to do some sensory things and focus on the feeling.

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Thursday, October 23, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Thursday, October 23, 2014
I made some gifs from a game I have a certain fondness for, FOC/US.

If I knew how to make nicer gifs I would've, but I only know how to take screenshots and put them together in GIMP, so this is what I ended up with. I don't feel like the choppiness detracts from the writing though. This is a game I've revisited several times since I first played it. Even though it's not one of the ones I think about most, it's stuck with me.

In a post about game design, Felix Park, the creator of FOC/US, described his personal opinions about what he wants to do with his games. This was one of the things he said:

"Games are not valuable in themselves, as objects. Like any other medium, games are a delivery system for experiences to be felt and thought about, whether itís a beautiful minimally-interactive scene or that perfect, timeless one-in-a-million frag. The design of games centers around the design of experience. The value of games is found only in the transmitted experience to the player."

I liked the way he worded it. Though I don't play a huge number of games, there are some that I've found deeply fulfilling, and I have a lot of respect for people who can make something that gets to me in that way. I'd like to create something that accomplishes that someday.


Lately I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to write for my next writing group meeting. Maybe I'll share it here when I finish it.

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Mood incongruent memory
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
I'm not really in the mood to record happy things at the moment but I thought I should write this at least for my own reference in the future.

Blowing raspberries is such a simple, silly thing, but it made me laugh so hard. And things felt good in that moment, things felt fine in that moment. I hadn't laughed so hard in... a few months, I guess.

A few months. That's actually relatively good.

I find that when my mood is low, I rarely have any desire to lift it unless it's interfering with my productivity or functionality. This side of me is a part of me like any other. Perhaps more a part of me than any other, considering the amount of time I've been this way over the years. I guess not many people know me that way these days. Not in real life, anyway. I make efforts to tuck away the intensely pessimistic, cynical, sarcastic ways of my past. I think that's not who I want to be anymore.

I wonder if I have the energy to be who I want to be, though?

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Travel luck
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
On Friday, for the first time in my life, I missed my flight. Luckily there was another one scheduled for around an hour later, so it wasn't too bad, but I did have to pay a $25 fee to get a seat on it, and I got stuck with a middle seat. Could have been worse though, all things considered. For example, the last time I had a flight before that one, the plane had a problem and the flight got delayed two hours. They didn't realize until we had all boarded, so we got to sit on an un-air conditioned plane for some time.

My Monday flight also had a mechanical delay, but it was only about an hour, and we got to sit in the airport to wait, so that wasn't too bad. I bought some overpriced airport food and people watched to pass the time. There was one guy who looked like a sort of hip modern Jesus if Jesus was a possible techie who likes to backpack in the wilderness. I don't actually know if the guy backpacks but he looked like that. Also his hair was pretty nice. If I were a guy I'd want hair like his. There was also a guy who was dressed like a frat boy (basketball shorts, hoodie, backwards cap) who looked like he could've been in his late thirties or early forties. He was bald. He was also watching a game of football on the TV at the gate and muttering to himself in disgust at the plays, or so I assume.

Monday was kind of a mixed bag, but maybe I'll write about that later. It's almost 1 AM and it's been a long day.

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Was that... it?
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
So I'd been feeling pretty depressed for like the past... week. Or longer actually. I guess it was longer. I was starting to get really worried because I'm usually a very functional depressive, but this time I just couldn't do anything. Couldn't focus, couldn't gather enough energy to really get things done. I can't even remember the last time I felt so hopeless.

I'm kind of still dealing with the repercussions of that.

Anyway, my parents decided to get me some multivitamins to see if that would help...

And, crazily enough, I started feeling better starting from the day I took them. >_>

I don't really know if that was the reason I felt better or if it was just a weird coincidence, but it was extremely surprising, to say the least. There were other things that happened on that day that probably helped lift my mood too, though. Talking to my favorite people is nice. I also met someone on OKC whom I'm having a somewhat interesting conversation with. Indie games and music vibes, good stuff. There was another dude I messaged but he didn't reply today, so maybe that's not going anywhere. -Shrug-

It's good to not feel terrible.

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