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Speak to My Finger
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
dumb break
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
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Psychology scare
Friday, May 20, 2011
Well, psychologist is also a human being at the end of the day...

I was craving to drink some Starbucks drink today, because I was so stressed over student's request from me to get some materials. I was seen running around my table like a chicken looking for its way home. I even started my morning at 7.50 am with a foul mood because my colleague didn't distribute some marks to lecturers as I have instructed. And the most stupidest thing is another colleague was helping this part timer for not doing her job. Frankly, I'm sick of stupid woman like the part timer. I may have given a cryptic instruction, but I never said she could not ask call me for clarification. She replied 'DON'T KNOW' when I asked why she didn't distribute. And because of her, I got scolded by my superior. Ugh...

Anyways, I then visited a psychology lecturer. My early intention was just to walk around, and somehow I felt a pity there is no park near or inside my company, for walking amongst the green would be the perfect remedy for my stress in the morning. This lecturer is really friendly and is easy to talk to and that was why I decided to drop by. I found a dream interpretation book by Sigmund Freud on her table and we began talking about dreams. I offered if she wanted to study my dreams about snakes. Well, she said the positive side of that symbol is I might already have someone I like in my life. My heart collapsed. I don't need another person telling me I should get married ... Still in the context of dream, she suddenly talked about anxiety in dreams like what her friend's child was experiencing due to exam pressure. All I could say it was no dream for the child, because the child saw a long hair lady in red strangled. Knowing what it is, I asked her if the child has 'third eye'. She was shocked to hear my question, and pointed out that I was right. I explained that I have third eye too. She was again shocked, because people usually don't reveal their third eye gift. But I seriously don't mind sharing.

She asked if there are other occupants than humans in our company, and I said yes. I have sensed other presence in my previous office room. And I also explained to her how a presence tried to touch my visitor's shoulder in my room.

Then later, she was whispering just above audible level... She shared with me her main concern: is there any supernatural being in her next door room? I burst out laughing without any intention of disrespecting the dead in that room. But it was somehow a tragic comedy. A colleague from another department died last year and his room was next to this psychologist. She was extremely relieve for not getting the deceased room. And since then, she is very afraid the deceased is still lingering around in that room. I assured her that there was none, because I could not feel any presence or rather I didn't spend in the room long enough to feel 'anything'. And yes ... I have been into that room before because it is now belong to my other colleague, who ironically was the one who found the deceased dead in the house. All colleagues were shocked and saluted this colleague for having the bravery to occupy the deceased's room. I found it tragic.

In the end, I could not shake off the fear in the room next to her. So I suggested her to offer prayers whenever she passes that room. We both ended up laughing. Or put up her catholic symbol in her room to give herself a peace of mind.

I somehow felt better after talking to her. =)

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Sunday, May 15, 2011
I had a nostalgic moment yesterday's afternoon. It was drizzling accompanied by series of thunders and lightnings, and I was sitting by my room window reading a book on negotiations in the dim room. My laptop was running because I was waiting for the thunders to calm so I could turn back on the internet, but my mind was fidgeting because I was reading manga online and was loading some outdated anime. I somehow managed to tame my mind to focus on reading.

As I turned the pages in the somewhat dark room and listening to the gentle pattering of the raindrops onto my window, my soul found some answers to life from the book. As I finished reading pages by pages, I realised how important motivation to life is. I closed my eyes and rest for a moment, and then look out to the rain, and ponder. The darkness, the rain rhythm, the laptop running with manga and anime travelled me back to my college days. I compared my life during that time and now.

Are there any differences between then and now? Yes, there were. It was motivation. I remember how much I cried in the dorm room or how long my prayers were, and it's all for excelling in my subjects and getting As for my assignment. I was focused to excel in the environmental field when I was still a student. Like the author of the book I was reading says to focus objectives on the minds eye. I did it unconsciously and I received degree with distinction.

And now ... I discovered I lost all motivation after reading the passage to do what I planned aeons and even to living. I closed the book temporarily and looked out to the window once more to ponder what I really want in life. I remember the last time I cried in such similar environment was back in June/July 2006 over an acquaintance's death, and I told myself I'd want to live a fulfilling life with no regrets. Am I keeping to my words? Obviously, no.

I tried to think hard of what would motivate me. I don't want to become a zombie anymore. I'm living but 'I'm not here.' I don't want to waste any more time.

If I know what I want, why ain't I chasing it?

Am I just like what the author said? I'm afraid of success? Or I'm afraid of the pain that I need to endure to achieve the success I dream of? Or I would rather be forever 'chasing' after the dream verbally so I would have something to occupy myself with until the day I die? In office terms, it is called 'pretending to be busy.'

Where do I stand? What am I? I never wavered from my decisions, so why am I now so easily to be convinced to detract from my original plans? I can't believe I could even let my vocal teacher to convince me not to polish my singing skills, just because she thinks the world doesn't need another singer.

I keep on encouraging people to take action, while I realise I'm just waiting for some miracles to happen to my life, where the ratio is 1 in a million. And yet, I wish to wish on a shooting star.

I don't think I'm having mid-life crisis, but more of identity and dream crisis. Because I'm not given a chance to discover who I am. Because I'm pressured silently to be rich at my age in people's eye without taking into account of what I really want. I'm just following the waves... where was me who used to say I would create the waves if there's no wave to be seen?

The perfect cliche word to end this entry would be 'there's light at the end of the terminal.' Another one would be it's never too late to take action.

Actually, these cliche words just make me feel worse.

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Without u
Monday, May 9, 2011
I recently found an interesting ballad, and I would like to share it with you guys. It is a collaboration work between Aoyama Thelma and 4 Minutes.

I have been listening to this song for the past few days. I find it relaxing and soothing though the lyrics is quite sad.

But I don't know why the CD cover is not as interesting as the song!

Without U feat. 4Minute / Thelma Aoyama

Anyways, I hope you guys like this song as much as I do!

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Tuesday. 5.3.11 10:29 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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Friday, April 29, 2011
I finally know how it is like to faint. I thought it was easy to pretend fainting, but it is not. Because consciously you know what you are going to do. If you are fainting, you don't know what is happening next.

I was surprised to find myself lying on my room floor. I found myself cluthing to my chest as I tried to wake up from the floor. I struggled to get up, as I felt pain shot through my chest when I fought to breathe. The left side of my chest is in pain every time I inhale and exhale. I didn't know how I fainted and how long I have fainted.

I remembered squatting on the ground because I was playing scrabble with myself. I rose slowly a few times because I wanted to check for some words on my laptop on the table. I have rose twice so I didn't expect the third time was so painful, as I felt my whole world spinning. I remembered leaning on my cupboard for support and then the next minute I dropped to the ground. I have no remembrance whatsoever what happen. I was on the floor... My mind drifted back with darkness, and I could hear myself screaming 'wake up' as I wriggled on the floor fighting to get up. As I gained consciouseness, my right hand cluthed to my chest, and my head was near to the base of my clothes hanger. I made 3 attempts to get up and I stared blankly at my uncompleted scrabble game. I tried slowly to gather my thoughts by first looking at my outfit. I just got back from jogging and was still in my sports outfit ... then I climbed to a sitting position. I looked around for other hints but my left temple hurts so is my chest. I must have hit my temple on my clothes hanger. Then I started to remember I tried to get up to look at my laptop.

I lost time of how long I stayed on the floor, and I spent many minutes sitting on the ground to gain strength. I could not imagine staying on the ground without people discovering me. My room door was open, but it is useless to hope my father would see me lying on the ground, because he is living in his own world - would appreciate if you don't say anything about me not understanding my father because he is not your father. I don't think my sister would notice anything wrong with me lying on the ground because I'm well-known to be able to sleep anywhere in any position.

One of my colleagues was found dead in his apartment last year. He died of brain injury; I could not imagine him dropping to the ground and not knowing what happened ...

Well, I don't want to faint again. That's for sure.

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