I'm fairly certain I've posted "Solace for Pain" by The Gentle Waves before, but I'm really appreciating the lyrics right now.


Help me when I'm sad and lonely
I would never do you harm
But this life is unfamiliar
I don't mean to cause alarm
If I were to put the big light out
Surely there would be an end?
If I were to face a new day
Surely I would need a friend?

Sir you do possess such kind eyes
Many are so vacant where
Ought to be a patient tenderness
I would take my refuge there

---

I know I haven't posted "Falling From Grace" before...


You make me satisfied
You only want to ride
But that's alright by me
We happen to be free
And if we fall from grace
At least we had a taste
Of something more than this
Unresolved black abyss

I'm always looking for the sun
I'm always looking for the sun
I'm always looking for the sun
I'm only looking for the sun to shine

---

[11:00:15 PM] Prickly pear: What is a scrubby sponge?
[11:00:26 PM] Me: Just a sponge with a scrubby side
[11:00:33 PM] Prickly pear: Okay.
[11:00:36 PM] Me: I don't think they're actually called scrubby sponges, that's just what I named them
[11:00:49 PM] Prickly pear: You think you can just name things?
[11:00:57 PM] Me: Uh, yeah, obvi.
[11:00:58 PM] Prickly pear: What right do you have?
[11:01:19 PM] Me: We live in an inherently meaningless world. There is no such thing as a right.
[11:01:35 PM] Me: There is only freedom and chaos
[11:01:46 PM] Me: And the patterns we project onto reality in order to comfort ourselves
[11:02:01 PM] Me: tl;dr I can do whatever I want
[11:02:12 PM] Me: So it's a goddamn scrubby sponge
[11:02:31 PM] Prickly pear: :)
[11:02:34 PM] Prickly pear: That's my girlfriend.
[11:02:57 PM] Me: Yes, your weird absurdist/existentialist girlfriend who lives in a pineapple under the sea
[11:03:07 PM] Me: Or something like that

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I don't have writer's block, exactly. I feel like that implies that there's something solid up against you, like you can't think of anything. My problem right now is that I'm thinking of too many little things and I can't piece them together.

There are so many things I want to work on, that I started and never finished. A story about touch and a story about rain and a story about sadness. A piece about having loved and a piece about a loss no one remembers. Am I going to finish any of these things? Agh.

I got a new phone. It's a quick messaging phone because I am very averse to getting a smartphone. I feel like the odds of me breaking a smartphone are too high, and I want something that fits in my pocket. I don't really need a phone to do anything but text and call, and I guess let me customize my own ringtone/text tone (priorities!). I'll probably have to get a smartphone eventually, though. I highly doubt I can keep managing to evade it, considering that the phone I got was one of only two feature phones in the entire store, and everything else was a smartphone. I guess I'll put it off as long as possible, though. Putting off the inevitable is just a natural part of human existence, isn't it?

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I heard this on the radio today. I feel like the more I listen to it, the more I like it.

"I Just Threw Out The Love Of My Dreams" by Weezer.


So, here are a couple of pictures from when I was walking around the area Seattle University is in...

This sign amused me. If you can't read it, it says "Solar power works in Seattle."

I mean, I'm sure it's true that it works, but I highly doubt it works that well.

There was also an outdoor ping pong table in this nice little urban park there.

I honestly have no idea why this exists or if people even use it, but it was interesting to see.

I've been feeling kind of fatigued the past few days, but on the plus side, the acne problems I'd been having for awhile seem to be going away. It's not actually particularly severe, just worse than what's normal for me. Surprisingly it doesn't seem to be scarring much, if at all, so I'm happy about that.

My friend in Spain and I are planning to watch a movie together on Friday. It's a bit hard to manage with the timezone difference, but he's on break right now so he's been staying up late. I'm not sure what we're going to watch, or how we'll watch it exactly... he was talking about sharing his screen. He's kind of a film buff, and he's been recommending a lot of movies to me (I have yet to watch most of them, but I thought the ones I've seen have been decent). I'm definitely not as into movies as he is, but it's kind of interesting to talk about as an art form. He wants to make his own film someday too, and I guess he and a friend were going to try to make something, but his friend lost interest. It's too bad, because I would've liked to see what they made. Maybe in the future, though.

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I've had an internal debate going for a number of years now about what makes a person good. Sometimes I've felt like I'm not "really" a good person because it's not necessarily my instinct to be as kind as I can possibly be, or to be as considerate and thoughtful as another person might be.

There are times when I'm tempted to be mean to people, or not make an effort to care (though this has become less and less of a problem over time). I don't give in to these urges much, if ever, but the fact that they pop up occasionally bothers me sometimes. I've had this idea of a "good person" who's... hm, I guess for lack of a better term, totally pure. Someone who would never even think of hurting someone else, and to whom consideration and care come without thought, without effort. Someone who doesn't ever face the temptation to do other things. I suspect this idea came from the fairy tales I read as a child.

In more recent times (within the past couple years, maybe) I guess I've been moving away from this sort of "naturally good" ideal. It made me feel guilty about myself, and sort of like a fake. I guess now I conceptualize it from more of a relative/strength perspective rather than an absolute/inborn perspective.

(I'm very tired, so I hope this is coming out coherently)

Constantly resisting the temptation to be bad connotes strength and motivation. To know that there are alternatives and that you are capable of carrying them out, but to choose to behave kindly and considerately and compassionately anyway, to put in the effort to deviate from your nature/instinct, all that's a sign of dedication, isn't it? A commitment to be good.

The "naturally good" person, by contrast, does not face these temptations, maybe has no concept of a different behavior, does not have to consciously be anything. That's not a bad thing, but it just requires no effort on their part. The same amount of work can be easy for a person who's naturally gifted and difficult for someone who isn't. I wonder, though, if the "naturally good" person (if they even exist-- this is of course an ideal that could be totally unrealistic) is motivated to improve, to be better than they already are.

I have often been motivated to improve myself because I feel deficient in some way, but now I feel that I'm at a point where I'm not significantly deficient. I'm not perfect at all, but I guess I'm content with where I'm at. Still, I think I could do better. Well, be better. A lot of things have become much easier with practice. It's strange to think I sort of started doing this years ago, when I was a teenager. Back when my self esteem was so low I felt like the only way I could redeem myself was to put all my energy into being the best person I could, to cancel out the innate terribleness of my being. I made that decision when I was 16, I think, and I'm 23 now, so it's been seven years. Seven years of ups and downs, but slowly treading towards healthiness and happiness.

---

At my last counseling session, my counselor remarked that he thought I was too young to be stoic. I thought that was sort of funny for some reason. I'm not really sure what I'm "supposed" to be at this age. Full of passion, energetic, unstable, dramatic? Swayed by fancies? I feel much calmer and more peaceful than I used to, and it seems nice enough.

---Edit---

This is so good.

THE FRACTALS

It's not a game exactly, but it's an interactive experience. I recommend full screen. NSFW though, just to warn you.

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Going out to lunch with a couple of my boyfriend's friends tomorrow.

I am stupidly excited about eating goat cheese mac and cheese.

Don't know what it is about goat cheese but man I am on the verge of obsessed with it. Goat cheese and olives. Nummmmmms.

Anyway, not much to write about. We're going to watch something before going to bed so I'll end the entry here.

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[12:34:53 AM] Dan: Am I making you hungry
[12:36:03 AM] Me: I don't like trail mix, so no.
[12:36:33 AM] Dan: Whoa, I misread that as "I don't like America" and I almost threw my computer

{Talking about Breaking Bad}
[1:00:25 AM] Dan: My dad said he would never watch it because he thought it would glorify drug use
[1:00:51 AM] Dan: Same with my stepmom, but I was like oh dear god no it's the exact opposite
[1:00:55 AM] Me: I'm not sure I understand that argument.
[1:01:11 AM] Me: "It glorifies drug use and I don't want to be persuaded to use drugs"?
[1:01:14 AM] Dan: Hahhaha
[1:01:18 AM] Dan: I know, it's f****** stupid
[1:01:40 AM] Dan: "Hmm, you know what, I seem to have my life in line, but this show has convinced me that meth might be pretty cool"
[1:02:37 AM] Dan: I can imagine someone saying that and also being a big fan of action movies or something
[1:02:49 AM] Dan: Ones that actually glorify violence
[1:04:40 AM] Me: "My life is good, but wouldn't it be better with punches?"

I'm in this weird state between having an appetite and not having an appetite.

The past few days I didn't really have an appetite, and I didn't feel super hungry. Wednesday I felt hungry and wanted to eat but no food was appealing. I ate some things anyway just to feel less hungry but it was sort of a dissatisfying experience. I've been trying to think of foods I might want to eat but nothing is coming to mind. Even my favorite foods seem kind of unpleasant. Right now I'm fairly hungry and I can't think of a single thing that seems nice to eat. Hrm.

I'm glad I don't feel this way about my other needs.

[1:31:12 AM] Me: In 2009 I spent almost my whole Intro to Psych class just doing word searches on my laptop and every time I finished one I tweeted "Word search completed ___ minutes"
[1:31:43 AM] Dan: O_o
[1:31:46 AM] Me: Later I deleted all of those because I realized what a paragon of banality they were.
[1:31:58 AM] Dan: Paragon of banality...
[1:32:02 AM] Dan: Sounds like my life
[1:35:50 AM] Me: Sounds like an ironic hipster band.
[1:36:04 AM] Dan: Again, my life

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