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Speak to My Finger
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
Last chance
Sunday. 12.10.17 3:35 pm
Man. I ruined my last chance for the year to get to know a guy better whom I view as good looking. I said something darn to him which gave him a poor image of myself.

ARGHHH!!! Can I rectify that situation? No. It's too late. I said something that actually does not need an apology but .... what is done is done... I cannot eat my words back.

I feel awful now and that whole reel scene is really haunting me now.

All I could see him talking to my other friends so relaxing. Man. Awkward now.

Anyways, I feel that the intellectual gap between us won't make us close. Is it my excuse? Not really. That's the truth. He seems always so business-y. I heard he only talks to people who are beneficial to him. I don't know. I am neutral. I have no comment since I never experienced that.

We talked for a while until my last message was not replied. Perhaps, my message was not intellectually. Anyways, it's ok. I am used to it.

What's there not to be custom to it? When another friend is not talking to me anymore. Omg. I have had enough.

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Too late
Tuesday. 12.5.17 1:17 pm
The song Apologise by Timbaland started to play in my head the moment I decided to write my mind.

The guy I used to be crazy about had sent me a second message via FB recently. The first was I miss you! The second was you looked great in this picture.

Unfortunately it was all too late. The last sentence that prompted me dump you was you said "you look like a bastard" when I showed you my new hair cut.

And now the sweet words.

Who would be so stupid to fall for you again after those hurtful words? That won't be me.

I am not desperate. After I found my freedom after dumping him, seriously, I realised I love myself more and this time I really don't want to be in a relationship. I suddenly remember how comfortable I am to be with myself. I think this is something people don't really understand. They keep telling me I am too weird and I just have to grab someone to marry just so I can be like anyone in the society regardless of my happiness level. I think they say so because they cannot withstand the loneliness, because they don't understand the meaning of being lonely.

What does lonely mean? It's the yearning feeling to be with others, be it talking or interacting. Why do we have to feel lonely when we are in the company of 'I'? I as in myself. Yes, we can talk to ourselves. We can ask ourselves what makes us happy. We can accompany ourselves to do the things that make us happy?? Do you remember the time you do silly things and then you just laugh at yourself? Why do we prefer others to make us happy?

I don't feel lonely.

Nor I am against others being in a relationship. I congratulate them! But just don't rub on me that I too need to get married just to be devoid of loneliness.

I am back to having a solitary life, a balance one that is. I still mix with my friends and I am involved in social activities.

Whatever he is doing... won't affect me. What a chameleon he is. Good looking for foul mouth dimwit. The worse.

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Again, again.
Wednesday. 11.1.17 2:48 pm
My mother went sighing again after countless of times saying the same old thing that she will die faster thanks to her to dearest daughters.

Right. I also would die faster thanks to my mother. It's amazing that I don't have hypertension after the years of emotional abuse and or the cusses she said on a frequent basis. Like this morning, she was complaining for full 30 minutes with a very unpleasant face. I hate that tone. I hate that facial expression. It's almost everyday. On average it's like 4 times a week.

And I am a person I need space. Space is very sacred to me.

Sigh. I am also gonna die faster than my mum. With the stress I have from all around me apart from my mother, I am sooo tired.

I think I have reached the apex of absorbing too much energy that does not even benefit me. And that is what makes me tired everyday.

And my mother can be so dramatic. I don't need all this drama in my life.

I have started to think of moving out but this is my house!

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Monday. 10.30.17 4:34 am
I am now watching a web series called Freakish. I found the series interesting to watch and I jumped at many scenes when those zombies appeared out of nowhere. As usual.

I thought the series was fine. The acting was not very bad as a review said. Though sometimes some scenes may not make sense like romantic relationships suddenly bloomed. But then... it's a zombie-apocalypsed story. Nothing make sense during that time. Panic, chaos whatsoever follows. Do you think you can think straight during that chaos? What's wrong with a teen knowing how to make explosives? They are easily found on google. I don't see this as odd. A girl can hide her 8-month pregnancy well and it's odd? Not at all. My friend didn't even have a stomach to show that she was pregnant despite wearing maternity clothing. My boss went gag when she was announcing she is taking maternity leave. Things can happen.

Why so harsh? Just relax and watch...

This reminds me of another low-budget movie that was surprisingly good. Similar storyline about an exploded chemical plant in a small town. The fish got mutated and attacked humans. The city become silent and there were only 2 survivors: A mother and her baby. Her husband was attacked while checking out the situation. It was tragic for that family. A young family went back to the town for a local festival except to found no one at night. A celebration was going on but no humans. The husband who checked out didn't return in fact the wife saw he was mutilated at the road side and she immediately left with the baby. People only started to realise something was off about the town after two days. That survivors were heavily compensated to buy their silence.

If movies need to have lots of sense, then we should demand explanation for freak accidents too. What I am trying to say is I don't ask for logic/reason for every scene. Sometimes it's not necessary like in chaotic situations. But of course those China drama need to instill heaps of common sense into the scenes!!! We are not that of a fool anymore!!!

Oh well just a rant.

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I am tired
Tuesday. 10.24.17 3:34 am
People are very hard to manage and understand. Sometimes isn't it great if we could be just doing things that we like and not chasing after money like our survival depends on it?

I understand I am not being mindful when I am speaking recently but I didn't blurt out everything. And I got scolded for sharing an information which I find normal and not uncommon. I mean we are all staying in the city. We all have common traits.

The insecurity of people is the most I can't handle now. I used to be insecure about many things until I decided to let go. Otherwise it was suffocating me.

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Sunday. 10.22.17 1:01 am
I went to Singapore for the weekend for 3 days. It was my birthday gift, actually.

The trip was supposed to be sponsored by a friend of mine but he withdrew simply because I want to meet our mutual friends on the second day. He demanded to meet them instead on the first day but I have already arranged to meet my personal friends. Initially, he wanted to accompany me the moment I land until the the time I fly off. That idea freaked me out. I was already suffocating from the lack of me-time and to have someone to be with me all the time will drown me. That was why I actually asked that I will be on my own on the first day and then meet up with him on the second and third day. I suggested we check out food in Singapore. At the same time, I also contacted our mutual friend to meet up who can only meet up on either the second or third day. And I said I am flexible. Hey, it's a holiday! So when I informed the sponsor about meeting our mutual friend on the second day. He gave me the ultimatum to either stick to my words to hunt food for him or to meet our mutual friend on the first day. Otherwise, he will keep his money.

I hate people threatening me. Before going to SG, I have also considered whether if I really want to be sponsored due to the terms and conditions. Thank god I didn't choose the Marina Bay Sands... haha otherwise I would have to give in to the sponsorship but then if I really love myself screw the funding. Since he has given me the ultimatum, I decided to sponsor myself and that gave me a relief of freedom. How nice it is to be able to go anywhere I want in Singapore on my own! So he just thanked me. I thanked him too for making myself to have me-time. Otherwise, I would still be in my room going crazy every minute monologu-ing that if only I can go for a holiday.

Why Singapore? No idea. I just feel like it. I know it's expensive but sometimes I just have to follow my hunch. Actually, I just spent SGD 130 for 3 days on food and a ticket to the Night Zoo.Yup! My other SG friends bought me food. Really appreciate that gesture.

That sponsor asked me if I were free to meet up but I just declined even though I can meet up our mutual friend together with him. With the ultimatum, I find it meaningless to catch up with him.What are we going to talk if we were to meet up? Listen to him snickering at me for holidaying in SG despite not having money and waiting for me to beg him to sponsor me? I have dignity and also I learn a great lesson: Sometimes we need to spend on ourself. Another lesson is... sometimes cannot be too kind-hearted.

This is the second time I have been threatened by him. And so why do I even still talk to him? Wait, I actually have not spoken to him for 2 years since the first threat.

Oh well, now will be for a very long time.

Sometimes it is best to be nice to everyone. This trip is supposed to be a birthday gift for me. If that so, then be sincere in gifting. I don't see how I am breaking my words for not hunting food with him. He wanted to be with me as early as 1000 until 2300. Meeting up with our mutual friend for just 2 hours out of that 13 hours is not too much to ask right? Oh well, a gift with T&C. I should know that too well.

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