I think I would be a happier person if I am dead. Maybe that person would be my mother not me. I really feel like throwing everything surrounding me. I really want to try throwing out my mother's things from her cupboard. It must be so relieving. Because that was what she like to do to me when I was younger whenever I said some facts about her. I hope everyone like me dies before her so she can be a happier person.

I am tired of this conversation with my friend. I have said three times to date about having planning in detail as opposed to none. I have enough of listening of various reasons like my dressing, my shoe, my pose for not getting the photo that I don't know what the end result is to begin with. All I know is these are my resources and I will make do with them on the spot. Otherwise I imagine the result that I want that I plan ahead of my dressing. I have scouted on those online shopping platform but some of the materials are horrible and so were the feedback. I don't want to hear 'buy those cheap ones from China and just wear once for IG." It's my money so it's my management plan. I may have to go on a hermit traveling just for photography.

My sis bought so many collagen products and yet she once said she has no money to contribute to the house coffer. And she doesn't do any housework chores regularly and I didn't heal completely to be called off as healthy and yet I am contributing to the house and chores and my medical bills. She is definitely going to stay young at the expense of my youth and health. Why is God so unfair? She prays like crazy daily and God still treats her so kind. Yea... she is the apple of my mother's eye. Because of this I don't want to hangout with my mother anymore. I feel so stupid for being nice when my sis doesn't give a damn about her and yet she sticks to her like a moth to light. Very toxic family.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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I have two dreams that I wanna share here. I dreamed back on 2 consecutive nights. They are totally weird and they don't make sense at all.

First dream.

I was somewhere, I think a bar, escorted by a guy. It's like there is one good guy and one bad guy. I was apparently with the good guy but I can feel that he is not entirely the goodie type. In fact the bad guy is actually the good guy. I am not sure if they were fighting over me like I have something innate that they want. So as I was sitting in between these two guys over a meal or a drink, there was a commotion. A devil in armour and I can't see its face but it's holding a club entered the premise. A soldier tried to stop it but suddenly had its head rolling to the ground when the club touched its neck. Two soldier heads rolled down the stairs...

I was just calm seeing that happened in front of me but I think there was chaos suddenly. I think a fight broke out between the two guys. I was not sure if they were trying to prevent that devil from further encroaching the area or just taking the opportunity to kidnap me.

I just ran into the bar area and then collapsed with a tightness in my chest. I think there was another devil coming into where I was but people were just running away so it was kinda chaotic. As my right hand was gripping my chest, I saw symbols emerging on my left hand. I saw a black thin cross drawn below my middle finger and 5 colourful stars growing... All I could hear the back of my mind screaming 'Don't come out' as though this should not be happening as though something bad will happen if they appeared. And then I blackout.

When I woke up... I found myself in a family home. The kid was running around and I could not understand what he was trying to say. I think he was asking what was I doing in the house. The mother served us breakfast. Suddenly the father saw a figure moving in the darkness and he stood up and said I must hide. I could hear my mind said "I have seen you acting before...". He definitely looked familiar but I could not pin point when he looks a little older with white hair. So he hid me in a bedroom in a roll of comforter with a torchlight.

I could not comprehend the situation but followed nevertheless.

Shortly after I was hidden, a group of uniform force entered the premise searching for me. They didn't spot me because the father placed documents messily on the comforter that was wrapping me. I was surprised that they overlook too. In that moment, I didn't know how I could come out from the comforter but I know my body was inside the bundle and saw all the uniform people walking around. I was also playing hide and seek with them too because I was so afraid that they saw me. I think I did an astral traveling.

When it was safe, I asked the father what they wanted from me but he didn't answer. I was not sure if he knew the answer but he seemed reluctant.

The symbols on my left palm were gone...

Second dream.

I was in a lift with someone like we were bickering playfully and all of a sudden the lift got broken and when to the lowest ground with the door opened. The colour in the lift was like how hell is depicted... those bloody red spotlights emanated from the corners... and so I just jumped out from the lift because I thought it was not safe.

And then all of a sudden, I had the feeling it was the wrong choice to do so. Even the person in the lift didn't do so or rather dare not. It seems like I was in a big group but only two of us in the lift while the rest was at somewhere else.

And then I realised by jumping out from the lift... I have traveled to my past like 10 years ago. I didn't know where I was so I walked on the street near to the lift and then saw street food peddlers. I was hungry but had no money but my feeling told me it was fine to just grab the food from the Thai peddler at the corner on the slope.

I looked around and could my hear my thoughts saying 'When did my college look so different? Where does this Thai food stall come out from? We are talking about NZ right? Are all this even allowed?!' I continued to walk and then I reached a dorm. And all of a sudden, my heart ached for a Japanese friend whom I get along well back in college. In the dream I could feel how much I miss her and all those collegemates...

In the dorm, one of the room doors opened and there... this Japanese friend of mine, which I just mentioned, came out from the door. I was shocked and yet overwhelmed and she welcomed me into her room as though I was there to meet up with her.

She had a nice duvet and I was then holding a cup cupping on her duvet as she covered herself partially in the duvet. The way we interacted was like those old times. However, I broke the news quite immediately that I was from the future. I said it with no hesitance. She tried to digest it while in a deep thought.

Then all of a sudden I didn't know why Thai friend just popped up from the duvet. I don't remember both of them knew each other let alone being roomie. No both of them in the past stayed alone in the room. Only I had roommates....

Anyways...

There was a reason I said that and there was something else I was telling her but I don't feel I remember at all... I could just feel it was somewhat important through my feelings.

And then I panicked because I don't know how to go home to the 10 years in the future. I realised the lift exit was just a one-way-ticket. The moment you got out of the lift... the fate is sealed. That was why the other person didn't even jump out! Just stay in the lift until help comes!

And then I didn't remember what happened later because I was then felt a surge of relief of seeing that friend in the dream.

If you happened to read my blog regularly, this is not the first time I dreamed about my college. And I don't know why... but to be frank my college time was the happiest time of my life despite the hard work I put into my studies.

I can say that I was happy.... I was...

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Damn you Chinese drama. I don't know why you all can make such good tear-jerking drama script. Actually thanks to those authors because these drama is adapted from those light novels available online for free reading. I know many of these drama are from novels and I tried reading them but they are so awful. I am not sure if it's the translation that is horrible but overall makes me allergic to those light novels.

Well, perhaps I should elaborate more. Translation wise. I think the translators are doing their best to translate. Ok. Let's remove the spotlight on them especially on their hard and voluntary time. I think it's the storyline that really irritates me. Let me pick an example. There are a lot of time-travel stories in the China market that almost every translated story IS time-travel. Traveling to another time and space is an interesting genre nonetheless but when these authors put nonsense points ... they make me boil.

Right.

Like how?

Ok. Here we go. For example.

Female protagonist who is a number one surgeon in the country died and then travel back to a space and time to a character that shares the same name and her (as in body and face bla bla) except this character committed suicide and that's how this traveler can resume this new identity. The stark difference between these characters is that the deceased is extremely pitiful and weak while the newcomer is strong, everything the old one is not. So upon waking up the old body with a new owner changed overnight in terms of characteristics and personality and the best part is she will become a superwoman. Haha. I just mean she can do every impossible thing. And the one I read (and others) are incredibly ridiculous. With what I just wrote above is in the story except with one superpower: can bring things from Earth space to the new space. For example, like above, died and travel to an ancient time in a body that looks like her. Because she is a surgeon in Earth, she can help people medically, correct? She found out that even though she is in ancient time that does not have any technology to do blood test she can just put the blood vial in her sleeve and then her hand goes back to earth to do blood test in the machine that found at workplace and then bring back the result.

Wow. What kind of logic is that? Travel-ed to ancient time means total cut off from EARTH-current time and space. No teleportation here and there. X-men is exceptional because the author has set the plot stone that they are mutants with powers. MUTANTS. These died protagonists are just normal humans. If they are God or God grants them a wish and their wish is time/space travel then it makes one hell lots of sense. Not suddenly I die and then I go to another space that has also me but my version there died. This is not Fullmetal Alchemist anime. The foundation stone is so laughable. I cannot buy this kind of idea.

Unfortunately this is the kind of plot that is flourishing in the market which makes good quality of stories getting more rare.

I kept mentioning translation could suck earlier because I have read one light novel translated by a skilled translator. This person could have better language skill that the whole story makes sense, and also very readable like it's written in English entirety.

This genre not only flourishing in the light novels scene but also the manga scene to the point I can make a conclusion. A laughable one though. In order to be able to survive, you need to have cooking and another skill that I don't remember because the other universe food so sucks because they don't know how to use seasoning. So if you can make good food like foie gras you can save your own ass and maybe even become rich!

I really want to read a time-travel story that the protagonist lands in a pool of zombies. Bwahahaha.

Maybe I should write that.

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Yup. My birthday is just over but this post is not about that.

I noticed that my mother lately has been admonishing my sister and I to treat her better as in to talk more courteously, not rude and help her in doing certain things, actually in everything.

I suddenly asked myself what makes her say that. Oh well, yea, my sister and I can be rude at her at times especially my sister lately. I got no idea why. The way she speaks is very haughty and she sees us like shit. She has been short tempered as well.

I think we all are nowadays...

But she doesn't speak like that to her boyfriend who is an ex now. The way she speaks to him on the phone and also in person was so playful and flirting. But her tone changed when the call ended and the haughty mode returned.

I think that's very psychotic. I think everyone in my family is; I meow don't I?

My mum has been repeatedly telling us to treat her better for she is getting older. I suddenly realised when I was getting older, I never once said "Please treat me better emotionally and mentally". In fact, I absorbed all those abuse like a sponge and took her beliefs as mine. That I don't know if I am really myself since I am still operating with those trauma. How would renaye be like without all those trauma scars?

Should I have said "Please treat me better emotionally and mentally" when I was growing up? I remember one time my mother was telling my father to not beat my sister and I so badly because otherwise we will rebel. That was when we were very young and I still remember that. I remember my mother like to scold me when I was younger for not able to complete certain homework or even not understanding the task at hand. I don't think my mother had the patience in teaching me things. I think she was like telling us so many times that ended up she will just be scolding us for not remembering it. I remember I grew up in fear. Fear to be beaten. Fear to be scolded.

What I am seeing now is actually really "what you reap what you sow." Karma is really biting back my mother even though she raised us. Karma is a dangerous thing.

Now, I really wonder what is renaye like without all these trauma and when she truly loves herself.

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I am getting older for sure. Sometimes I ask myself if I should just document my days more frequently to recall what I do for the past few years since time flies.

Next week will just be another birthday of mine. I am feeling anxious till I could not sleep. In this world, majority are obsessed with achievements and I think I got overwhelmed by that. Those motivators out there keep talking about legacy to motivate us. Will that work? I don't know. I just want to do what I feel like doing at that moment without thinking it's for survival, money. Why are we so obsessed of doing certain things for a particular objective?

I am kinda tired, and all I wanted for birthday is a break: a place to stay that I can sleep in darkness without being paranoid of spirits greeting me at the window.... don't need to worry about expenses... just breathe normally without feeling anxious.

Maybe my greatest birthday wish is to be able to live without feeling anxiety.

If money and time are not concerned, I just want to stay somewhere for sometime without feeling hurry to go back to work or back to life because doing that IS life should be.

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