Books I have completed reading since January 2021:
1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
Friends and Enemies
Akatsuki: Nightmares & Dreamscapes
-beats in my head-
Chika-Chin's Anime Mania!
empty white space
In My World
My Blah blah Bulogu
My Little World
Sdovelly~ c'est la vie
Serene's Silent Secrets
Shuffle and Repear
Tolanic's Travel Blog
Friday. 3.9.18 3:22 pm
I actually wrote a pretty long entry and then I accidentally delete it. Oh fantastic renaye.
I will just summarise instead.
I was looking forward to meeting a friend in an event but no-show up left me kinda disappointed. My guts already told me I should not even attend the event given I was overwhelmed with my medical report and mum's medical condition that I spent a lot of uber trips just so I can attend.
It would be a lie to say I didn't regret for attending the event. My presence was not even needed. Well on the positive side, my presence would be great to show support to the organiser and co-organiser since I was the connector for these two parties. By all means, I should be there.
But if you have undergone the panic feeling when a medical doctor telling you "you need medication now' after receiving your report you would understand how I was feeling throughout the event. My brain was spacing and all I wanted was to get some relief for my condition.
I didn't know it has escalated to so something serious.
Beyond this worry, I cannot help myself thinking why I was so stupid for thinking this friend would even show up for this event?
Well, this person and many more have stopped interacting with me in any forms on social media. At the same time, these very people are still interacting, actively, be it like or respond to the posts of our mutual friends.
Why do I bother so much? Why do I feel so hurt when these friends stopped communicating with me?
Why can't I stop hurting? Why do I still bother? People don't see me anymore as friends other than some trash that is only useful whenever they need. I have lots of resources in the form of connections.
Why do I even bother to help? Why do I even bother to be in a clique that I don't even feel belong? Why do I feel that I am working so hard just to be part of something?
I got to move on! I got to release this so I won't feel stress from such matter!
Saturday. 3.3.18 11:45 am
My ego somewhat is brushed.
I attended a course offered by this trainer because so many people commented how good she is. Though I was offered the lowest price, I didn't sign up until it went up to third lowest price. In the class, I was not really thrilled but I did learn something and had a new found perspective. Thereafter we were all offered the lowest price of a new course the trainer is creating. After conversion into my country's currency, it's quite a lot given that I am trying to clear off my debts. So I decided not to pursue even though the course will go up 5 times than the offered price but still I didn't budge.
So now, it has gone up to USD597. People are buying up due to the excitement. And suddenly I got pissed. I think the best way to describe me is like I was at a shopping mall with 70% discount on Prada and I didn't even buy it due to my indecisiveness and now the discount is already over! I kept asking myself why this feeling emerged.... do I really need that course? Can I live without that course?
I think I can make do without that course though it will help me a lot but I want to clear off my neverending debt. But why the feeling? Maybe I feel like a jilted lover or being sensitive for not being asked by the trainer personally to get the course before it got raised.
So why the feeling? Because I just want to have attention. That's all.
Though the course may help me, I really need to reprioritise things.
Saturday. 2.17.18 1:14 pm
Hey it's Chinese New Year! But it's just another holiday for me. A relaxing one that is.
I spent a lot of energy to clean my room so I am relaxing my muscle now. Oh yea, that's also because I was sick for the past few days due to food poisoning. I am fine with diarrhea because it's free detox! I don't understand why people are so afraid of diarrhea. You can consider mum and I crazy for welcoming diarrhea. It saves a few bucks on our detox stuff.
So what else did I do the past few days? Catching up on my anime. I dropped some anime which I was watching half-way. I am usually the type of completing them even though I dislike but this time I was courageous enough to drop. No point of investing in stories that don't benefit me. Won't you agree?
I am surprise that this time I am calm mentally that I won't be able collectt any red packet this year. Inside the red packet is money. =)
I am losing friends at a rapid rate too. I think it's time to replenish too. I have friends who stopped greeting me too. The worse of all we are playing the game of if-you-greet-me-I-will-greet-you-too-if-not-nope. I hated that. So I decided not to make any moves. I will only greet people who I know will reply me too.
Besides, I don't like friends who admonished me with sentences that rubbed me in the wrong way especially in the name of concern. Simply because I fucking never said in the same way they did so I appreciate if I were not given the same method. I have been a good listener to people but not the other way round. Next time, I should be paid for lending my ear. Hey that Japanese guy who is doing this as business is earning lucratively!
I should do the same thing too.
Did the devil ate my gift?
Monday. 2.12.18 2:14 pm
What if the devil is innocent?
Only the devil knows.
I won a lucky draw today but it was short-lived like 10 minutes. After taking photo of my lucky draw item which are vouchers, I put in my bag. The moved to lining up for food. When I returned to my seat, the vouchers were gone from my bag.
I don't think I dropped them. The vouchers are thick so there is no way my eyes would miss it if they dropped to the ground.
My bag is deep but I have overturned it and they are not there!
So who ate my vouchers?
I returned to my office with severe heartbroken.
Thursday. 2.1.18 3:33 pm
This is not the first time I am posting the same old thing but still I need to reflect, inflect this shitty stuff.
Again, the same fucking person said the same old thing and worse I got told off in the face that 'I was rude.' Ok. It was my fault for messing your car radio but I am actually fucking HURT. Well, I did apologise profusely.
This person had said so many fucking hurting words and I never once said RUDE. Yea. Why am I so stupid for not saying that in his face? I think that was why I was soooo angry with him today.
Yea... the fuck that he said whatever he wants and I can't? He is very conflicting with himself and I don't like it. I have been avoiding him for some time but I met up with him recently because he was introducing me something that helps me. But still, why the heck am I putting up with his shitty mouth?
Ugh. I wonder.
The other one would be another guy asking me to use my youth to seduce any guys that I want because youth is just once in a lifetime thing. I hated that. When a friend asked me to follow how my friend uses her charms to win the guy, I was absolutely mad. Whether that is true or not, I don't agree with such method. I don't really believe in seducing the guy. Maybe because I don't know how.
A fortune teller said my smile is very expensive. I don't smile often especially to strangers. A friend said before I am pretty and yet I don't smile. I often exude aloofness. That's me. I smile often to my own standard. I smile whenever I like la. WTH.
Ok. Both guys also I don't want to talk to. I just want to have peace for my ears.
Saturday. 1.20.18 4:27 pm
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