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Thursday. 7.18.19 9:38 pm
“I think men are lovely, but I don't think that women should relate everything they do to men: did he hurt me, do I forgive him, did he put a ring on my finger? We women are so conditioned to relate everything to men. Put a group of women together and the conversation will eventually be about men. Put a group of men together and they will not talk about women at all, they will just talk about their own stuff. We women should spend about 20 per cent of our time on men, because it's fun, but otherwise we should also be talking about our own stuff.” - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

I always write about boys.

I can’t promise I won’t ever write about boys again, but I realize I let my life revolve around how I feel about men, and how they feel about me. God, I feel so vapid.

I always think of what a perfect relationship would be like, for me. I’m all about love. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, but I think it’s soo much of my center focus in life. Instead, I want to picture the perfect life for MYSELF, with or without a companion. I want to love the relationship I have with myself. This whole time of “focusing on me” was so I can be ready to be in a relationship again. I realize that is the wrong way to think about life. I should focus on me...because I AM me. Life will continue with or without a companion. I need to focus on me for myself, not to be ready for somebody else. I have goals for myself, and it’s beautiful.

I want to see the potential in everyday. I want to laugh with myself everyday. I want to be a better dog mom. I want to be a better nurse. I want to feel healthy everyday. I want to feel good in my body, staring in the mirror. I want to be a better daughter. I want to work more, and enjoy it. I want to challenge myself. I want to believe in myself. I want to grow, not for a relationship. Not for anyone else. I want to be the best me...for myself. I want to be proud of myself, for myself.

Just as Pink Sweat$ says in his song Honesty, “Your thinking is all wrong, Love will happen when it wants”, I need to stop revolving my life around wanting and being loved.

Fuck that, my life is for me.

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It’s called growth
Thursday. 7.11.19 10:00 am
Hello, I’m Daneva, and I’m a serial dater. Or, was*

Since after my 5-6 year long term relationship (a year and a half ago since then now), I have dated one guy to the next. I never truly let myself be single...until now.

It’s a breathe of fresh air, to finally feel like I’m choosing me. I’ve been weirdly independent, and yet codependent on others for emotional support. I missed the aspect of my relationship where I could vent and tell everything to my partner. I always tried to find it with someone else. But now, I realize I need to find that emotional support and stability within myself.

I’ve been taking more time to finally process my long term relationship breakup. I buried my feelings by dating others and hoping the next would be the One. Well, maybe not “the one”, but someone who could take the pain away. I was looking for the perfect person who could make me feel like my life’s complete. I put myself on the back burner and gave to other people.

Now, I’ve decided to focus on me. What makes Daneva happy? What makes Daneva thrive? What goals do I have that I want to accomplish? What actions can you take to reach your goals? These are all questions I have been focusing on these last 2 months of singleness.

I’m hiking more, I’m dancing more, and I’m running more. I’m also staying away from dairy most of the time because hate to admit it to myself, but I am 200% lactose intolerant and it’s getting worse everyday. I’m more conscientious of what foods I put in my body so my gut doesn’t act up. I’ve been a better dog mom to my 2 babies, and I’ve also been working extra. I’m able to control my anger more, and don’t feel as stressed out as before. I’ve been spending time with friends, and building those relationship I have. Somewhere along the lines, I’ve decided to be the best me everyday. Some days, I hate it. Some days are more comfortable to dwell in sadness and lay in bed all day. But, there’s pain with change. It takes discipline to not let myself fall into my old habits.

I don’t know who I’m growing into, but I know it’s way better than who I was before.

It’s scary. It’s exciting. And It’s called growth.

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