i cant sleep. its way past my bedtime...and...i'm just in need of something. i need to pour it out. this morning i remembered a dream i had. i died in a dream. i was laying down in a parked van type thing. like on the floor not on the seat, with my head toward the trunk...and then i hear a honking....and then i shoot toward the trunk head first into a truck which was parked behind me...and that was it. i just knew i was dead, done, deceased. no afterlife, just end. i woke up this morning with this realization of memory, feeling like my body was literally made of lead. i felt my whole body tense. it was like terror struck every nerve in my being. and now...i dont even know..i guess im kinda scared to go to sleep. i think i had the dream cuz..... of my dad. cuz i mean in all seriousness, he seriously could be dead right now. n i even consider him dead sometimes, not just 'his whereabouts are unknown"...i just dont fucking know. i need closure. i've given up on reconcilliation with my dad, hes not gonna be the dad i knew before ever again. but what am i to do now? whenever someone would ask me 'wheres ur dad?' i just have very little knowledge about that. i...i dont...i dont know. i wish i knew. then i could feel sad. but now im just in this horrible limbo like, yeah he could be dead, or he could just be homeless and dying, or who knows.

..would you hold my hand if i saw you in heaven..?

i must be strong...and carry on...

....tears in heaven

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i'm lost... in a way. today i skipped out on washing dishes in the morning. meghan went to philly sunday morning n wont be coming back til tonight. and so, this morning when i was supposed to wake up and go to work, she called to gimme a wake up call being the great gf she is...and told me not to go back to sleep, but i did. i mean without her physically here to make me go to breakfast with her basically, i just didnt have enough gumption in me to get outta bed and go to work. i feel horrible for doing it. but i slept in til like 11. so i may have needed the sleep, but i also should NOT be skipping out on work....ugh... and so yeah. im begining to think its not even close to worth it- going to wash dishes at 8am that is. 5 bucks an hour? fuck that. i'll figure out how to quit there...i mean they prolly wouldnt even care if i just stopped showing up. god i hate working there now. i have no idea if theyre paying me or not either. holy shit. i fucking HATE WORKING THERE. *sigh*......why cant i think without meghan here. i feel like such a mess. i have to do laundry. having nothing to do tomorrow will be good for me i think. WOW the whole sarb float painting thing wasn't a good idea for me i think. it just blew my day out completely. it was fun and all, but i think i made a complete idiot outta myself. just saying completely moronic stuff, thinking it would be funny. i was pretty embarassed. and then i end up spending money on mcdonalds. and missing out on a meal for the week. i think i've reached, or maybe even passed my extracurricular limit. working two jobs, spanish club president, upb, and occassional sarb painting? i think not. i'll prolly stick with working books, el presidente, and upb. *sigh* i just .... i dunno. i feel like i can't step up to do anything right now. i need a haircut. i need to send my brothers birthday cards. i need help, but i dont know how anyone can really help. i need a shower. a long shower. i need an ego boost. i just feel so shitty. like whatever i do, i feel its not enough. its not worth anything. all i do, work? it probably wont add up to HALF what i need to make ONE monthly payment for tuition. im going to have to ask my mother. god i hope she knows how much i wish i didnt have to ask her for her help with tuition. and thats probably why i dislike it when people try to pay for me....ugh. i owe steve gas money for driving to pittsburgh. i have no cash. FUCK. *breath*.... this is all my doing, no one elses.

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to cap the end of the last entry...i had a blast at meggyos house even though i was sick, and i felt as welcome as i could possibly could have felt (and still feel now) by mr and mrs oefinger. i mean mr oefinger has really stepped up as a role model type figure. he may not be consciously trying to but he's really been there for me, and the same goes for mrs. oefinger, hehe its just mr oefinger is the one who usually catches me n talks with me about it...but anyway...now on to the task at hand.

slippery rock

college

home away from home


moving in was fine. the first couple nights went smoothly...slept soundly....my roommate Elias, aka Eli, is cool. hes more of a partier than i, but nothing thats bothered me. on the bottom floor of the largest populated dorm on campus "founders", its pretty nice. the rooms big, the temperature not so hot due to all the heat rising all the way up to the 9th floor. throw in some fast internet and friendly folks, and thats what the environment is like in my room basically. theres a lotta walking involved in living on campus. haha at least with the ridiculous gas prices, but thats another story. the main cafeteria is on the opposite end of campus from my dorm so its a lil inconvennient. walking for 5 minutes to breakfast at 8:30 is a longer walk than you would think. rationing meals is another interesting thing. 14 meals a week and 100 flex dollars are included in all the junk thats already being paid for. 2 meals a day, the flex money can only go toward food. There are certain sustenance locations where certain meals cost a lil over the equivalent of 'one meal'. the difference in price that goes over the price of 'one meal' can be covered by the flex dollars. jeez i sound like a textbook. anyway...

meghan. its a big change for us. and yeah, its not alll fun and games. but it really is wonderful to wake up n go to breakfast with her..see her at the end of the day n be able to see her between classes. we read another book together. The Giver. well more like i read it aloud to her. but together nonetheless. it was really good. kinda made me think "how would i describe red? or being cold?" some things just cant be taught with just words..
..personal experience has to take place to learn some things.

seeing red, being cold, living away from ur hometown, on the same campus with your significant other...

i'm ready to learn

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tons and tons and tons has happened between my last entry and now including but certainly not limited to

my birthday. funny enough i didnt write an entry about it. but sure enough...a bunch of friends, family, and family friends rallied to celebrate my birth. relatives from california happen to be in town so they came on over to bbq it up and stuff. i got to see a lot of my friends on my bday come to think of it. and for the first time in a long time niki was hanging out with the same group that casey was hanging out with. we watched willie wonka. i fed people. i fed em til i couldnt feeds em no more, n thats when i gave them stuff to take home hehe...we played ping pong, i got gifts. pretty thoughtful gifts i might add. the usual gift card from the cali relatives, the usual tshirt from uncle rommel. those were of course appreciated. 50 bux at best buy and a white nike tshirt? not bad. but then theres the gifts i received from my friends. sank and ashley had made me a shirt. an inside joke reference to a night of loaded questions. "If you could make a radio station, what would it be?" er something along those lines and i answered "69.9 i.j.i.z." hehe...so they made a shirt for it with the station and a slogan on the back that says midnight love, the only station that comes fully loaded. or something like that hahaha...i dont have it on at the moment. but u get the gist. wow and i also got a book from desi. 'the naked roommate' and 107 other thingamabobbers about college. now i must say the book didnt contain anything earthshatteringly enlightening, but it'll definitely be something i can use as a reference, should i run into a problem or question of some sort. i havent gotten around to actually finishing it, i only have like 20 pages or so left. i got a card from christine which was really sweet of her to give me. i wouldnt've thought any less of her if she didnt, but she gave it a shot. k-sandra made me a cutesy card too, quite the crafty one that casey. kinda funny cuz mike didnt really give me anything but its completely understood how he doesnt really need to give me anything. i mean we have so many experiences i can look back on, it would be more than the equivalent of a thousand birthday presents. n the same goes for everyone who didn't give me a tangible present. if you wanna hear why everyone's special and doesnt really need to give me a tangible present, refer to the entry directly below this one. haha....anyway. meghans present. holy smokes. she put a lot of effort into like...a poster. a posterboard with various pictures of a bunch of the people that have been in my life as a marylander. she collaborated with a number of my marylander peers to gather pictures, and comments to be posted on the board as well. just having meghan around made it my best birthday i ever had. but if you stack on the ton of love i got from all my friends, the bunches of great presents, and the loads of good times...i'd say it was the best birthday anyone could ever have. haha and before i finish writing this bit about my bday, i HAFTA (yes 'hafta') mention the kareoke that took place. it was soooooooo cool seeing nick and sank sing n*sync's "its gonna be me". hahaha pure hilarity . watching the girls (smash, tine of chris, des-ih-gay, n meggyo) sing was pretty endearing to say the least hehe.

7 folks including me from maryland road tripped up to meggyos house aka 'the north pole' the 7 of the marylanders plus meggyo making 8 (4 couples) plus david a/li (5 couples, 10 ppl if ur keeping count) went to hershey park all on a mere 13 dollar ticket, a couple bucks for gas, and the rest expenses during the trip. aside from breakfast and the drive back and forth, meggyo's entry [one house + 8 awesome ppl = good times ] was a good summation (is that a word!?) of the antics that took place during this weekend of pure ridiculousness....no pun intended.


WARPED TOUR '05!!! ..due to lack of funds, i was planning on sitting out this years warped tour, but the denisons/brett had other plans. they secretly purchased me a ticket a few days before the concert and told me about it 2 days before the concert date. nick mentioned after i found out about the ticket, "it wouldnt have been the same without you kit". brett was also driving to the venue (nissan pavillion in virginia, about a 2 hour endeavor from home with morning rush hour traffic). and so. the situation was for me...a free ticket to warped tour, and a free ride to and from it. pretty sweet deal i'd say. and warped tour was pretty freaking righteous. definitely something i'll never ever forget. yeah, slept at mikes the night before, left mikes house at 7:30, met up at the denison household for the final departure, drove up to virginia in good time, and there we were...at warped tour 2005. 2 cars drove, brett and desi drove in their respective cars. n we got split up pretty much 3 minutes into the trip. kinda funny. i was in bretts car with mike, n desi's group (niki, alan, and georgie) split off into a mcdonalds while bretts car braved the unknown and navigated our own way to the nissan pavillion with directions of course. all together at warped tour there was.... nick, casey, greg, becca, niki, alan, desi, george, mike, christine, michelle brown, brett, and i-(not to mention the oceans of other people that attended warped tour). i was surprised to see the amount of pre teens there. kinda crazy, and equally surprising was the amount of older people, like ppl in their 30s+. but ANYWAY- it was pretty warm out for the majority of the day. not like scorching hot but if ur walking around in the mild sun alllllll day, then it'll get to ya. i got my first tan lines ever at warped tour. a beater tan line at that. BUT OK, damn on to the bands. i got to see like 11 bands and a couple others i was kinda just spacing out to during breaks. in shifty chronological order...

hawthorne heights
starting line
greeley estates
the receiving end of sirens
bleed the dream
funeral for a friend
a thorn for every heart
senses fail
emery
story of the year
fallout boy

fallout boy was my first like..mob band audience experience ever. waiting for them to start playing was the most uncomfortable part. just standing shoulder to shoulder with everyone breathing down ur back, everyone sweating pretty profusely. but then the music starts and madness ensued. ppl bum rushing to the front of the stage, pushing ppl aside. the mass of a ppl understated by a 'crowd' shifts forward and back unable to go anywhere but with the flow of the ocean of bodies. not to say it wasnt exhilarating, it was good times, something im proud i got to do. but if i were to pick a favorite performance, it had to be The Receiving End of Sirens or TREOS for short. holy moly. well they arent as well known as fallout boy, but they definitely rawked my face off live. brett, mike, and i jammed to their cd on the way to warped tour, but they were truly righteous live. and moreover, they were on a smaller stage, so there wasnt a big crowd viewing them, just a select priviledged few. so needless to say, i was like right up front no more than 20 feet away from the band. treos freaking rawked. so their performance was hands down my favorite of the entire day, i could've went to warped tour JUST for them. I wish i shook their hands when i had the chance while watching emery. i ALSO wish i had the money to buy a shirt of theirs. but its perfectly ok cuz i'll remember how awesome they performed live. im pretty jealous of mike who's going to see them again tonight at sonar. but yeah. theyre way cool. and gawrsh, not to say that everyone else sucked. the other bands i got to see weren't bad a-tall. hawthorne heights, senses fail, fall out boy, and story of the year were all among my faves too. so yeah.....got to warped tour at 11am, left at around 10pm. over the course of the day i had eaten a bowl of frosted flakes/one brown sugar pop tart for breakfast. i went all day in the nissan pavillion without eating, brett bought me a drink, and he also spot me a buck so i could buy a water, plus a couple water fountain refills so i drank a lot. cookies and soda in the parking lot to sustain me through hackeysack and catch with a football while waiting for the parking lot to clear out for easier departure. once i got into bretts car for the trek home, i was basically out like a light. next thing i knew i was home....2 bux for a drink, tan lines, and a bit of hunger for an unforgettable day of music with my friends.....well well worth it. im so so soooooooo glad that i didnt miss out on warped tour. thanks for pulling through for me guys....i can't thank everyone enough who contributed to my warped tour experience...

holy shit i've been writing this thing for like....3 hours....just thought i'd mention that.



SO! this brings us to the near past. this past weekend was supposed to be that of the 24 hour relay, but that got cancelled. meggyo was planning on participating, so she took a few days off....but alas, it was cancelled so she just decided to come on down anyway! she ended up being dropped off at my house on a sunday afternoon. we hung out with the gaggle (as opposed to 'the gang') at mikes house, played poker, watched blair witch project. meghan and i rented movies..the first time around we rented....mrs doubtfire, p.s., and lady killers. P.S. didnt turn out so bad hehe. we watched mrs doubtfire together too and that was still hilarious even though its old, i'd call it a classic. meghan and i also started something that we had discussed trying before: reading a book together. soooo yeah we started reading Five People You Meet in Heaven. we took turns reading aloud, so it was nice. she had already read it before but it was all new to me so yeah. we started it sunday and finished it wednesday. its a really good book. definitely worth reading. so yeah....anyway. after mikes/renting/reading...the next day...monday i believe meghan and i rented movies again, this time...iron monkey, enemy at the gates, and when harry met sally. we watched enemy at the gates-an all around good movie, ate ice cream sandwiches, and then we watched when harry met sally. now THAT's a classic movie. prolly the 'notebook' of its time. if not this time....making it...timeless. haha...but yeah... its a really sweet movie...and i'm glad i got to watch it with my meggyo...that night meghan and i went out on a date. we were supposed to go to dannys to say hey to everyone, but my tire was low on air, so i freaked out, put air in it n went home with a crappy state of mind. my mother said ur tire's fine, u worry too much, and i instantly felt ok. kinda embarassing but yeah..it put my mind at ease...so after the running around for gas, bank, and air...meghan and i decided to go through with the date. it was too late to go to dannys and to dinner as well...so i'm sorry fellas for not making it to daniel sans for a few games of halo..... but alas meggyo was all dressed up in her perfect shirt...and we went to t.g.i.fridays. stuffed ourselves silly, she got her order pretty messed up. she asked for a chicken finger BLT with no mayo....what she got was a chicken finger with zero bacon, and lots of mayo. *sigh*...never going there again....haha but it was still a nice night out..we caught the sunset as we were waiting for our table...so we go home...and we sit on my floor..n we talked. discussed. conversed. it was sweet..i think sunday night too we stayed up late laying on the floor listening to a lite rock station (101.9), adding songs to a list for an oldies cd i wanna make..that was really fun too. whop lunch time....lemme publish just to see how long it'll look...im not quite done yet.


(u forgot about coffee and cheesecake, but it’s ok J)~ says Meggyo

holy moly. Its currently 4:36pm and I have just been informed by my better half that I have my info mixed up. She arrived at my house on Saturday and not Sunday. So im not sure as to how accurate my depictions of festivities are but I guess one could just shift each day mentioned above one day back, but it doesn’t really matter. So yes I did however forget the day before we went to Fridays, we went out to the double T diner for coffee. We ended up splitting a piece of creamy cheesecake. So she taught me the wonders of making a cup of coffee, funny how I always drink it but never really made it well. Well anyway, she taught me how she makes it n now im gonna make it that way from now on cuz it tastes better than the way that I made it. So a piece of cheesecake and 4 cups of coffee later, we decide to go home. That’s when we decided to lay on the floor and listen to lite rock, as stated above. …..moving on.


the day after tgiFridays, had to drive Meggyo home.


its almost dinner time and i hafta bring the microwave/rug to my house!!! whoop. moving stuff already. i shall finish this another time. wubamaflam.

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so much has ran through my head that i want to just spill right from my brain to this blog....meghan. my family and friends...i just feel so grateful. i feel extremely lucky. im at a lack of words for how fortunate i feel about all the people im surrounded by just about everyday. all the good souls in my friends...and the pure caliber of company they choose to have around them...its good to know that there really are quite wholesome people out there. not so wholesome that theyre party poopers..but not too hardcore party people that its disgusting.. i guess maybe just to me...my circle of friends and most of the secondary circles of friends..i believe could intertwine casually. like it wouldnt be seamless...but everyone would be civil, just because thats like a basic theme with all the people i associate myself with...and the ppl they associate themselves with...and so forth. the understanding of eachother is uncanny among the closest of my friends...e.g..ending eachothers sentences....coining phrases for thousands of inside jokes...using those coined phrases in unison numerous times....

i'll never forget...
improvising group beatbox beats
singing in cars (from 'headphones' to 'girls just wanna have fun')
excursions like six flags, mud wrestling, football in rain...
all the laughing about random hilarity....screaming during monkey ball...or "answering the ding dong"...or..."rhymes with tace..?!"

and i can narrow it down..
matt's or "biaz"s ridiculous dance
casey's "wanna play pizza party/go to cicis/poop?"
nick and i being perpetually "up top"
mike having my utmost respect...and how we always attempt to be fair to eachother..quite the team mike and i are...
the denisons with their peculiar affinity for ketchup

out of all the time i've lived in maryland, i've spent the most time hanging out with those above people. these marylanders prolly know my habits n mannerisms the most...we've had so many festivities..every (mildly possible) weekend a movie...or sitting at mikes house...a mcdonalds quickie...boardgames...videogames...so many memories. and of course these arent the ONLY people i've hung out with in maryland.

sank and ashley..quite the pair. a hilarious couple. they just function so well together as a team...very much the life of many a party. they can often have a whole world of their own..obviously very happy together..wish i could've hung out with them more often over the years.

scottness...an unfortunately very busy guy..so talented...very sharp and witty guy. great to hang out with...havent known him for very long..and now hes just so painfully hangout time constricted.

christine johnson(sp?)..i believe is a great pair for mike. but for the little time i've hung out with her..shes sweet, thoughtful, a hardworker, n just all around cool to be around. its kinda unfortunate that we're just starting to hang out before ppl are going off to college.........

adrian..yeah superman! although i doubt he'll catch wind of this...but yeah i still think hes superman. very successful in pretty much anything he does...from school in cal poly to life as being himself. which i believe is truly righteous. his huge circle of friends was that of like a completely different society to me. a lil difficult for me to blend into, not like because they were bad people er nething..just very different trains of thought. its always an adventure hanging out with adrian.

goodness...and obviously i cant just go mentioning every single person i've hung out with in maryland before. like danny, becki, andrea, paul, christine custodio, lee, rob, hell even my deep history with the therese montano crowd. i've learned and grown so much through thousands of experiences, conversations, pep talks, awkward seemingly obligatory chats, glance avoiding, "psst" attention grabbing....

i just want to acknowledge and rightfully thank everyone who's shined even the seemingly tiniest speck of light into my life. friends, aquaintances, classmates, teachers n all. even if that light may have seemed negative, it was still a light of experience. and even though its been a long and hard path...i'm quite content with how i've become to be now. and yeah theres still plenty of growing up to do, plenty of experiences to go through...i just...with these last few weeks as a teenager... i want to acknowledge all those who influenced this era in my life so far.

and i havent even BEGUN to speak of my wonderful meghan..but i assure you i havent forgotten. my girlfriend. my significant other. my meggyo. we have been through a ton, no doubt about that. but the thing about meghan is...i think about her in my future the most. decades after my teens pass...years after my 20s n 30s pass...i picture her right by my side. i know her like i know no one else. i'm infinitely enraptured by her- everyday. words do little if any justice to describe the way my heart and soul urges to sync up with meghans every mannerism and inkling of thought...i love you meghan



and to everyone...everyone thats been in my life...i can only hope that i've had some sort of impact on you all...i dont want to leave things unsaid..so if ur reading this..n it reminded u of something u'd wanna say to me...er ask me....like..."hey keith yeah thanks fer being a real [silly goose]" or...merely "hey keith good luck with everything"..or maybe even "why did u write such a ridiculously long entry?"...i'd be happy to hear all comments..via IMs? talking to me in person?calls? email? whatever...



peace be with you

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i cant stand myself sometimes. and this is freaking one of those times. ugh...i totally blew my presentation in spanish today. so badly that i think i may write my teacher an apologetic email. ugh. i mean even if i got like a C...im pretty sure it wont change my A in the class. god damnit i cant believe it...i dont even know why. ive been in such a bad mood for those spanish history classes too. but my presentation in that class will be so much better than the other one. UGH..... i dont know what is the matter with me......i think i feel like im in a middle phase. where im not as close as i would like with my friends, and im not as on the same page as i'd like with meghan. or SOMETHING i feel alone, confused, angry at myself, worried about money, frustrated with money, i just wanna sit still for a while. things just arent going smoothly. theyre going pretty fucking rough as a matter of fact. i cant wait til summer gets here. but i REALLY wish i didnt hafta work, but i know i should work as much as i can until i actually move to slippery rock. WHICH I WILL. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. and my spanish teacher wants me to sign up for fucking summer class?!!!!!!!??!?!?!?!?!?!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just dont know..thats like a whole paycheck. im so stressed out. i wanna get into a fight. i just have all this bottled up energy i wanna explode. its like i want to listen to my favorite song but i cant find a song i even like all that much anymore. i feel stagnant in my music aspect of my life. i need...help. a little...please. just someone talk to me..something...a hug maybe...not a humorous homosexual hug from nick.....but maybe a heartfelt hug from nick...ha not to count everyone else out...i just.... ugh...my hearts about to burst and i wanna just pour my heart out....just so i can get this anvil off of my chest. its like walking around the house KNOWING u hafta do something, FEELING u need to do something, but some nagging feeling is keeping u from finding what that is JUST to make u feel shitty for not doing what had to be done. and this is all me. i cant blame anyone but myself. and here i am reflecting on it, but i cant just up and change everything i just talked about. i'm out of control. i...

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