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Speak to My Finger
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
so emotional now 2
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
21 10 2012 is our last official gathering. We didn't have perfect attendance but 25 out 29 came to the handover ceremony to our juniors who are going to Japan the following day.

It was a reunion, and we were all smiles, and hugging some members whom we have not seen for almost a year.

I never had the chance to meet my juniors and only had a glimpse of them during my arrival, and I already spotted the team leader chatting to some pretty juniors. Right. Old habit die hard.

When we met up, we realised we were wearing the same sport shoe! The sole survivors of the team! And no, we never make a pact to wear the same shoe.

The flag handover was held after the juniors performance. The performance was beyond our expectations. However, my batch felt ours was the best. I still could remember the adrenaline rush. It was hectic, but it was fun and it was worth it. It was worth to have those difficult moves, because we put up a fantastic non-stop show for 75 minutes, which surprised everyone on the ship. No one knew how was Malaysian's contingent performance like. We kept it a secret for a month. I still remember doing the Bhangra dance. Everyone just went gag when they saw the highlight of the dance, for they have never seen such movement before.

The bhangra dance was my favourite...

Here's the introduction video to my batch. We were so broke, but still we paid a professional videographer to do it. I still remember my team member asking me if we could have a video, as it has never been done by any Malaysian batches. Looking at his face, I remember how desperately he wanted this video to be done.

I did a farewell video for the juniors, but we didn't get to play. What a shame.

We had a cheers battle. I think our juniors were horrified how fierce ours were, because they were totally different from our finale rehearsal earlier. We had something like the Kiwi's haka. Our cheers roared and shook the building. And the juniors replied with a meekly cheers. What was that again? Karipap?

After the handover, we took the liberty to seeing off the VIP with one of our cheers. And we ended up singing to ourselves in a huge circle.

It was after all our last official gathering...

Farewell my batch. We will always be a family, may we meet again someday.

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so emotional now
Friday. 10.19.12 5:39 am
One year has passed since I went to Japan for the program. Today's date marked the anniversary of my gruelling pre-departure training.

I remember clearly that this day we practiced our dances, went through our discussion materials and last minute planning awaiting a dance teacher to teach us a 75 minutes performance.

And now my batch is creating a video for our juniors, and I am writing the captions. I found myself so emotional in writing those lines despite not knowing what pictures my team member will be selecting.

At the beginning, we have a lot of squabbles and misunderstanding, but after the trip, we become a family that we truly cherish. I have never shared this before, but given the nature of the content, it is appropriate to share.

During my tenure as assistant leader, I have had shed a lot of tears and braved heaps of challenges internally from my team. And every time I see them I wonder what they think of me. I had received complaints twice that I took my job too seriously and worse of all I never trusted my team members. It was very hurtful when likewise I felt I was treated with no trust, but each time I put on a smile bravely every time we had gathering, because I won't be defeated, because I cannot be defeated as a leader. Each strike I received I took it as a challenge.

And two days before we flew, god answered my curiosity. We were having the final round of sharing. It was something I don't look forward to, because I don't know what they will comment about me, and I knew one of them will highlight my high pitch tone during any of my excitement. And yes someone highlighted that.

I started off with team leader telling him he HAS to shine when the time comes and next is the hightlight of my pitch. Then someone said I should not be 'screaming' when I wanted to pass a message, which was why I said before I don't like my voice. I kept moving on to the next member with a lot of best wishes until I stopped at this female member. I don't really talk to her, except for hi and bye, and her words burnt into my memory.

"I always look forward to your closing speech, because it makes a lot of sense. I have a lot of respect for you."

That was the kindest word I have ever heard during my tenure. I clenched my knuckles to hold back my tears. I must have done something right.

During the trip, we still had some squabbles, but I did not involve or rather I was not allowed to participate in the team meetings knowing I tend to be too analytical or rather too perfectionist. But somehow I was glad that one of the members who complaint against me came to realise the reasons why sometimes me and other members were analytical, because we also simply want to make the event to go smoothly and a success, not like what she thought of me as some bitch crazy about power.

"At the beginning... We were strangers starting out an adventure of a lifetime. We were never told of what we will go through except we are fated to experience tears, joy and pain together in this time span...

The tears we shed were not sadness but of joy for having found a family and friend in you.

And here we are now, reunited once more, to close the chapter of our program adventure and to embark on a new life journey.

And here we are now, standing shoulder to shoulder, smiling together as family, and we shall always be..."

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Not valid.
Tuesday. 10.16.12 10:40 am
I am crying again.

I am crying not for myself indirectly, but for my mother and any other female experiencing the same fater...

My mother wants to divorce my father, and we have been asking friends who are lawyers, because we needed advise since assets will be involved.

I had tea with a lawyer friend today, and he asked me on what ground does my mother want a divorce?

'No more love? My family is no longer a family where my father does not treat us like family but some piece of shit. We no longer talk, because it creates better harmony this way. What is the point of staying together when we are no longer comfortable with each other?'

'No more love is not a valid reason.'

So is my mother going to stuck with a person she does not love anymore?

The simplest way for my mum to get a divorce is to live separately for two years. But then what is next? What about the properties that are joint name?

My sister and I are currently not financially stable. I felt my heart got ripped out because we at the moment cannot live independently from father. How long do we need toundergo this emotional torture? Are we not working hard to take action? So what went wrong?

Should we just continue to be like the bird who looks out hungrily for freedom from the cage? And wait which parent dies first?

And people ask me why don't I get a bf... Hahaha. It is because I have not found a guy who does not act like a jerk! And do not ever ask me to settle for a guy who acts like one like my father! Thank you!

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4 years!
Monday. 10.15.12 11:43 pm

nuttz nuttz called out to me in a shopping mall, and it took me a while to recognize her. I was actually on my way to the shopping mall next door but it was raining heavily...

It is very unbelievable that we have not met each other for around 4 years. We still look the same except for me having shorter hair...

And I met xboyz too! He was very busy choosing a pair of jeans...

So me and nuttz catch up with each other over tea and dinner. What a weekend!

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holy 'beep'
Thursday. 10.11.12 5:51 am
I was blogging something long and my browser crashed.


I am not going to retype it...

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Tuesday, October 9, 2012
I was stretching while yawning in my colleague's room. And she kept commenting "rude!"

But I could not care much, as it's already after working hours and we are waiting for other colleagues to finish their training with some outsiders.

As I was yawning while my colleague commented that it's due to the lack of oxygen in my brain, a trainer came into the room and said "My students always yawn in class; no wonder they are stupid."

HAHA. Luckily this trainer, who is popularly known as a joker, entered the room, if not my colleague and I will be bored to death!

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