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Friday. 9.20.19 7:28 am
Yesterday I dreamt of an older white lady. She was in her 70’s, I would assume.

She owed a huge mansion, that housed people from all walks of life. Children, adults, people walking with walkers, married couples, everything. The backyard had a vast pool, multiple gazebos everywhere, as if it were a beach club you’d find in Las Vegas.

She sat there, at one of her cabanas. Listening to two black men talk about their struggles with racism, moving up in the world, and also about a business they were trying to start up. She smiled, laughed, and listened to these men. She spoke to these men with respect, kindly accepted their request, and funded their business venture.

Prior to this, she was walking with me through her front yard. So big, that it felt like I was walking through Central Park, with much much less people. She spoke to me like she was my closest confidant. She knew who I was, my character, and respected my choices in life. There was no feeling of malicious intent, or even another agenda. Just wanting to spend time with me and relax while we walked through her garden.

I don’t know what this dream means, but it spoke to me. Something about this woman was so honorable, so genuine, and so bright. She was a warm light, someone I felt I could 100% be myself with. It’s like I want to dream about her again, just to feel it. Just to be around her.

Maybe it’s who I truly want to be. Maybe that’s my goal, to be as humbly gentle, kind, and caring as this woman in my dream is.

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Tuesday. 9.17.19 10:41 am
I’ve been eating so much lately, and not caring about gaining weight. I don’t know why exactly. I do have a new beau in my life, and part of me thinks it’s my own idea that “well, now that someone likes me for me, I don’t have to try so hard!”

I hate that I care less about my appearance based on what other people think of me. I should want to be fit for myself. I should want to look good for myself. I should eat healthy to make myself feel good. I should workout because it makes me feel good. I don’t want to lose myself, but I somehow tend to, when I’m with someone else.

Lately, my actions have not been in line with my goals for myself. And I need to align my actions with my goals.

Before I can do that, I have to remind myself of my goal:

My goal is to be the best me I can possibly be every single day. That means be kind to myself and to others. It means finding time to care for myself, and the people/dogs that I love. It means making food that will ultimately make me smile, but not feel bloated over later. It means listening to my body when it’s full, and listening to myself when I need some me time. It means working out because it feels good. It means journaling everyday, or as needed to keep me in check and in line. It means not losing myself or what I desire to do in life. It means professionally developing my career. It means focusing on me and filling my own cup. Once I do that, I can give to others freely.

These days, I’ve been loving myself less. And I need to love me to be happy. I plan to journal everyday to help me recenter myself. I want to engage in activities that spark joy in me. I’m gonna meal prep and make food that is healthy and delicious too. I want to go back to intermittent fasting and eating when I need to. I just want to be me again.

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