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Memores acti prudentes futuri

It's easier to complain
but there is beauty in the mundane
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Derps and pizza
Monday, May 23, 2016
Gym time today: 3 hours.
Total this week: 3 hours.

Pilates, Cycle Fusion, CSI. Blah blah blah gym, okay, you get the gist of it.

I went to this dentist this morning and had a different hygienist than normal (I've been going there since I was 6 and have had the same hygienist almost every single time). I spent the entire time sort of zoned out, trying to remember what my normal hygienist's name was. I knew it started with an M, and I felt pretty certain it ended with an A, but it just wasn't coming to me. Toward the end I figured it out, though. Marsha. Her name is Marsha.

Sean was telling me about this mysterious Tumblr stalker he had for like two hours before they deleted the account they used to ask him one question about a post he made six weeks ago. We're both insanely curious about who it could be. He thinks it must be someone he knows trying to find out about his dating life, because it's very suspicious that they deleted their account when he responded to the question (he wasn't really subtle about it; he straight up said he was suspicious). Anyway, that discussion resulted in me looking at some of his reblogs, which led me to this:

Obnoxious Nickname Generator

My result...

Also, he had this reblogged...

Which led to this...

Seriously though, it does look like that. D: Also, he stopped responding to me after that.

Annnnnnnnnnnd I made pizza with random leftovers and things we needed to finish up in the fridge. I took a picture of the whole thing, but it was pretty bad and the colors were all gross and wrong, so... single slice, here we go:

It was not the best pizza I have made, but it was okay. We needed to use up a bunch of goat cheese in the fridge, so I suggested we make pizza. My dad made some dough in the bread machine, then I put together the pizza after I got home from the gym. It's surprisingly easy to make pizza sauce. The recipe I used makes a cup, though, so... I had a lot left after making two pizzas. But umm, I just scrounged through the fridge looking for ingredients and ended up putting mozzarella, Parmesan, smoked gouda, green olives, and kale on the pizza. We have sun-dried tomatoes (I just mistyped that as 'tomaties', which is kind of cute), which I contemplated putting on the second pizza, but... I forgot. My mom made a sad face when I told her. Or uh, well, she looked excited when I started with "I thought I should put sun-dried tomatoes on the second pizza for you" and then transitioned to a sad face when I finished with "...but I didn't." Whoops!

Oh yeah, and this made me laugh tonight:
[5/23/2016 9:49:04 PM] J: i'm trying to figure out which type of gears would be best for this
[5/23/2016 9:49:25 PM] J: probably gonna cost me about 100 but oh well
[5/23/2016 9:49:57 PM] Me: That much, huh?
[5/23/2016 9:50:17 PM] J: could easily be less if i was a smart person, i'm sure
[5/23/2016 9:50:22 PM] J: xD
[5/23/2016 9:50:26 PM] Me: Aw
[5/23/2016 9:50:29 PM] Me: i think u iz smrt
[5/23/2016 9:50:46 PM] J: d'aww youz jist sayin' dat
[5/23/2016 9:50:50 PM] J: alright let's stop
[5/23/2016 9:50:52 PM] J: i have cancer
[5/23/2016 9:50:58 PM] Me: Hahaha


I was able to listen to this tonight without feeling sad.

"I'll Dream Alone" by The Magnetic Fields.

Dreams-- we had a few
But what kind of dream
beats you black and blue?

(Why is Stephin Merritt such a good lyricist?)

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Reflecting nonsense
Sunday, May 22, 2016
I guess Battered Rose is gone. I didn't even know... It's been awhile since I felt like that much of a fan of Emilie Autumn, though.

Revisiting this song tonight.

"Willow" by Emilie Autumn.

Willow, weep for me
Don't think I don't see
This life I'm living in two
But still it's something I must do
I'm not unique in this
Nor am I special, sweet, or kind
I court a thousand smiles
Yet I keep my own to hide behind

It's cruel I know
At least they tell me so
Well someone lock me up and throw away the key
Because I'm not ashamed, oh no
Oh, willow

I videochatted with Kyle tonight (the first of many such appointments, if things go according to plan), and he described me at one point as a "fantastic person," which felt strange. It was in the context of him saying he thought it was sort of disturbing(?) that such a "fantastic person" might be capable of very dark things. I think I've touched on this in previous entries, though. I make a choice to act the way I do, but that doesn't get rid of darker thoughts and desires. Not saying I'm holding back a wave of evil, I mean, I just feel like the capacity is there.

Was feeling kind of down earlier but for some reason feel better now. It's 1:23 AM though and this is a time for sleeping, not for staying up late. I have a dentist appointment in the morning. >.< Also a hospice visit and three gym classes in the evening...

Okay, I lied, I think I do know why I feel better. I just spent a bunch of time making faces at myself in the mirror. >_> Whatever works, right?

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Fit things, Maker Faire [6P]
Saturday, May 21, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Piggy-induced sidewalk job offers
Thursday, May 19, 2016
I didn't go to the gym today. :( Was sore from yesterday (squats squats squats) and extremely tired to the point of falling asleep briefly while I was babysitting. >_< So... when I got home I just napped before showering and going to hang out with Alex.

When I took the baby out in the stroller (they got a new one and it glides so smoothly, oh my gosh it was amazing *__*), she took her stuffed pig (aka Piggy), but she dropped it at some point and I didn't notice. She started crying and saying "Piggy!" and then I noticed that she didn't have it, so I was about to turn around and try to find it, but this guy ran up to me with it. I thanked him profusely and he asked if my "daughter" and I lived in the area. I said I was babysitting, and he asked if I wanted to retire doing that. I told him I didn't... then he started talking about how he was the director of finances(?) for his company, and he was looking for a few good people... I was very confused, because I've never been solicited for something like that before just on the street, but I told him I was sorry, but that I was moving in a few months. He said no worries, and then went back to... whatever he was doing.

The dude was professionally dressed, white button up and tie and everything, but it still seemed very strange. I couldn't help but wonder if he was trying to get me into some kind of Vector-like scheme and have me doing kitchen knife demonstrations, haha.

Maker Faire is this weekend! Planning to go with my friends, and it should be a blast. :)

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Not much to say today
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 9.5 hours.

Piloxing and something called Pump It today. The second class was like... strength training, I guess? It was sort of easy, or it would have been if my arms weren't already kind of tired from doing other triceps exercises before.

Here's a song I like that the Piloxing instructor plays sometimes.

"Can't Feel The World (The Weeknd X Daft Punk)" by The Hood Internet.

Have kind of been feeling like writing a bit lately. Maybe I'll do that.

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Fingers crossed
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 7.5 hours.

I think I forgot to record the three hours I went yesterday. Today was just Bootcamp and Cycle, with some walking on the treadmill in between. I guess I didn't eat enough today, because I was really tired during/after Bootcamp. Tired like... just didn't have energy, not tired because I was pushing myself. If not for that, I would have run during the break instead of just walking...

Got to talk to my friend again today. ^_^ He was using Starbucks wifi though and it suddenly stopped working, so our conversation got cut short. :( He ended up using data on his phone to send me a message on another platform (we were talking on Skype before), but he had to go because he couldn't afford to keep it on. I thought this was cute:

J: BTW, I still do max-finger-crossing alien hands occasionally for our continued happiness :p hope it's holding up on your end! Talk to you tomorrow!

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More words and things
Monday, May 16, 2016
I've been happy for the past few days, and I think it's the longest I've been consistently happy in quite awhile. I wasn't really sad or angry or anything today, I just felt good.

[5/16/2016 8:14:52 PM] J: Hey, so I hope this isn't too off-putting, but i wanted to share something with you in the spirit of being transparent about how I feel with you.
Last night, after i closed my laptop, I was on my knees on the floor packing my things up, and i just... broke down. Forehead to the floor, crying silently. I couldn't stop thinking, "man oh man, i really like this girl." It lasted a couple minutes, and at first part of me was upset with feeling helplessly subjected to an emotion without being able to push it back, but overall the tears were happy and eventually i just let go and let it ride its course, laying there until i could move again.
Please don't freak out though, i promise it wasn't anything romantic or lustful, there wasn't any fantasizing or imagining, it had nothing to do with the future at all. I just kinda got caught up in an overwhelmingly joyful paralysis over how happy I was that I met someone I really liked, as a person, and I just felt a lot less lonely i guess, and it really impacted me.
So i just wanted to tell you that i'm grateful you exist. Or however you word that without it sounding super corny. But I promise i don't feel differently than I did before the incident, i'm just happier :)
[5/16/2016 8:16:10 PM] Me: Awwww
[5/16/2016 8:16:17 PM] Me: Gosh I don't really know what to say
[5/16/2016 8:16:35 PM] Me: I'm smiling though.
[5/16/2016 8:16:38 PM] J: you don't have to say anything i just don't want you to freak out haha
[5/16/2016 8:16:41 PM] J: al;ksdfja;lskdj
[5/16/2016 8:16:44 PM] Me: Oh, no, I'm not freaked out.
[5/16/2016 8:16:49 PM] Me: I think that's really sweet.
[5/16/2016 8:17:02 PM] J: ok good ^_^ that makes me feel a lot better
[5/16/2016 8:17:21 PM] Me: I just didn't want to lead with "that's really sweet" because that seems like such a like... trivializing way to respond, haha.
[5/16/2016 8:17:59 PM] J: it's okay i wouldn't have judged your response
[5/16/2016 8:18:04 PM] J: i just didn't want like
[5/16/2016 8:18:10 PM] J: your contact info to gray out
[5/16/2016 8:18:12 PM] J: LOL
[5/16/2016 8:18:21 PM] Me: Pfft, don't worry.

I didn't have the words to express it, but I was really touched by what he said. Also amazed that I could have that effect on someone. Or well... maybe it would make more sense to say that I'm amazed someone could react to me that way. I sort of wanted to hug him and just say thank you for telling me.

Oh, I wish we could just talk all day.

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This is so nice [6P]
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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