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Speak to My Finger
Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
Revise
Wednesday. 1.13.21 11:48 am
I was going through my old posts to see what noise I made. =)

I don't even remember those entries when I reread. I even asked myself many times if I even dreamed them! Haha.

I wrote a post about the correlation about the song below and a former friend. I now can pollute the air with my singing with profound enjoyment that I first grew when I first head this song almost 10 years ago.



Don't know why lately I remembered him. And yea, when I went to my linkedin, his last message popup. It was our last correspondence. I saw his face and saw he had switched to a better job. Good for him. Better status for him too. I am happy for him and hope he found what he wanted in a life partner.

For myself, I have found an imaginary one. =) I am not sure if I will be satisfied but I am for now because I can live on my own. Not even thinking of torturing a cat because of my loneliness. If the cat could be my servant in doing housework, I would be glad to have one. For now, a maid for my happiness is not needed. HAHA.

Oh, that guy still owe money!

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Words words
Thursday. 1.7.21 1:30 pm
Well, you see, all of us don't want to be told off, scolded especially for the things we didn't say. But I can really tell you that we are in the world full of selfish people.

They will say unedited things to you without thinking of your feelings and they require you to not feel hurt by their words simply because it's not important at all to them but not to you.

While those words spear your heart like bullseye. When you bite them back, they will reply in hurtful manner when you are just reacting to the pain. Who does not scream when they are in pain? Have you ever seen a sane person smiling from teeth to teeth while somebody is sawing their leg?

That's what the world wants everyone to do that. Smile like you are enjoying being chewed alive. If you bite back like a zombie, you will be seen as a fuckup.

Really you know.

I got roasted in a huge FB group before. So I know. Roasted by intellectuals such as entrepreneurs, businessmen, educated students but one word to describe them: stupid.

So just now I got marinated with vinegar by a heartbroken friend for just sharing a Chinese reality show. Unfortunately, I reminded him of his ex because she likes watching reality show. Err. I didn't know? So I was just sharing with him the participating actors were from HK and that was why I was watching. I want to see them react the scenes live. I explained to him what I like and dislike about the actors. To me, I was giving spoilers. But to him, I was imposing on him. Err. I seriously didn't know. I actually only knew he was heartbroken like last month. I even tried calling him abroad to check on him. I was talking about the actors' acting skill in the program not the freaking reality program. Oh well, maybe it sounded the same to him. Ok, my bad. I will enact his policy then: silence.

He told me off to stop. And then I bit back 0.1/100% energy. Like people say, people will always remember the bad thing you did to them, the 99 good deeds u do are invisible.

I am a nice person and I like to share things. What's the point of hoarding information. I don't know what I will do with the information for the living in the afterlife, so why not use it first?

I have told myself that I should not share so much. To be frank I have already withheld a lot of information with others. And today, maybe I over-spoke? I didn't know telling others about how our body don't really digest corn syrup is a bad thing. Oops. So no one commented on that, at all.

You know what? I have started consoling myself that I will watch you die because I don't want to share with you in order to maintain a peaceful and harmonious friendship with you.

Sounds very reasonable.

Right. Maybe the next project will be social distancing from society into nobody.

I was playing with words in my head. So I come up with this: I have friends everywhere but none are my friends.

Why do we roast others in the first place and then we play hurt victims when the real victims fight back? Try observing the world even your own actions. I am seeing this almost on a daily basis.

There are so many victim impostors now that everyone thinks he/she is a victim.

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Am not alone
Wednesday. 12.9.20 3:14 pm
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Holy 2020
Friday. 11.13.20 10:32 am
Many things can happen in a year. And some things are even beyond my imagination. I remember how much I was looking forward to next year's bonus and increment but I didn't have to any more. The rest I wanted to badly since the lockdown didn't come true when I shower myself with several online courses that I can feel my body screaming of exhaustion. I am so due for a rest spiritually. I don't think many people don't understand that. I really feel like doing nothing everyday. Just do things in the moment not plan for the next minute and then curse myself stupid for not achieving the things-to-do list. It's very tiring. People marvel at my list of friends but I can also tell you how marveled I am when so many just cease talking to me one day. I do that to others too when they said things I dislike.

"I didn't know you are busy sleeping around." Just because you bought me an isotonic drink, I don't belong to you.

"Sorry to tell you you just miss the boat." I didn't know there is an age limit to dreaming. I really hope that's not the excuse to make me give up so you can court me. You just didn't know how disappointed I were when I heard this sentence coming from your mouth. "Oh you know I am a good kisser." No use when your heart stinks.

"I love you." No, grandpa, no. Are you even a rich grandpa? "It takes time to grow love." No no no. I am not interested in grandpa with a baby.

"You only use your friends." I do. If you even read what takes to be friends, it's about you-use-me-i-use-you currency. Of course, it's not as crude as how I put it. I am just saying frankly. We usually say 'help' instead. Anyways, you don't even help others who are as suicidal as you or others who are already ahead of you. Being silence on people's cry is not a way to help.

"You are not sexy enough... dress like her la. Then you can get any guys." Yea, I know it's normal animal instinct but then my eyes and ears are polluted enough with this kind of shit. That's why pets are better than humans. They don't judge. You give them food and cuddles, they are your slaves or gods for ever.

I am enough. I have to learn to let go of all the friends that hurt me. I have to let them go so I can find happiness in myself. I don't need to know why they hurt me. It's not necessary for me to know. They are answerable to themselves.

I am tired with some social interactions.

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Internally
Friday. 10.9.20 3:08 pm
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Another birthday
Thursday. 9.17.20 3:41 pm
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