Monday. 2.20.12 12:07 pm
Friday. 2.10.12 5:18 pm
life is really weird right now.
I'm stuck between doing the "right thing" and making decisions that may lead to consequences.
let's face it, I am not as good as I once was. I am not as great as I used to be.
I desire things I used to think were stupid, and I yearn for material things that cannot fulfill my life. I know it's stupid, and rebellious, and really not going to do anything positive for my future, my relationships, or my future plans. And yet, I sit here, choosing them. Wanting them.
But deep down, I know I want more than this. I want love, I want abundance, I want joy, I want peace. I yearn for these things, and yet to get there I must give up my own desires for the wrong things in order to gain the good things. I can't find the courage to do it. I find utter apathy in myself, such complacency in wanting who I used to be.
I'm telling myself that I just get one more time. I have one more time, and that's it. I'm dumping it all down the drain. Kind of like a last hoo-rah, before I actually go back to abundance. But if I have such apathy, how will I truly give it up? I don't trust myself. I mean, I do, but I don't. Will I give it up? Will I let it go? I hope so.
I'm playing the fence, and quite frankly, that doesn't exist...
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