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So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

The Profile

Age. 37
Gender. Female
Ethnicity. that of my father and his father before him
Location Altadena, CA
School. Other
» More info.
The World

The Link To Zanzibar's Past
This is my page in the beloved art community that my sister got me into:


Extra points for people who know what Samarinda is.
The Phases of the Moon Module
Croc Hunter/Combat Wombat
My hero(s)
Only My Favorite Baseball Player EVER

Aw, Larry Walker, how I loved thee.
The Schedule
M: Science and Exploration
T: Cook a nice dinner
Th: Parties, movies, dinners
F: Picnics, the Louvre
S: Read books, go for walks, PARKOUR
Su: Philosophy, Religion
The Reading List
This list starts Summer 2006
A Crocodile on the Sandbank
Looking Backwards
Wild Swans
Tales of the Alhambra (in progress)
Dark Lord of Derkholm
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?
The Lost Years of Merlin
Harry Potter a l'ecole des sorciers (in progress)
Atlas Shrugged (in progress)
A Long Way Gone (story of a boy soldier in Sierra Leone- met the author! w00t!)
The Eye of the World: Book One of the Wheel of Time
From Magma to Tephra (in progress)
Lady Chatterley's Lover
Harry Potter 7
The No. 1 Lady's Detective Agency
Introduction to Planetary Volcanism
A Child Called "It"
Is Multi-Culturalism Bad for Women?
Americans in Southeast Asia: Roots of Commitment (in progress)
What's So Great About Christianity?
Aeolian Geomorphology
Aeolian Dust and Dust Deposits
The City of Ember
The People of Sparks
Cube Route
When I was in Cuba, I was a German Shepard
The Golden Compass
Clan of the Cave Bear
The 9/11 Commission Report (2nd time through, graphic novel format this time, ip)
The Incredible Shrinking Man
New Moon
Breaking Dawn
Armageddon's Children
The Elves of Cintra
The Gypsy Morph
Animorphs #23: The Pretender
Animorphs #25: The Extreme
Animorphs #26: The Attack
Crucial Conversations
A Journey to the Center of the Earth
A Great and Terrible Beauty
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian
Dandelion Wine
To Sir, With Love
London Calling
Watership Down
The Invisible
Alice in Wonderland
Through the Looking Glass
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
The Host
The Hunger Games
Catching Fire
Shadows and Strongholds
The Jungle Book
Beatrice and Virgil
The Help
Zion Andrews
The Unit
Quantum Brain
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks
No One Ever Told Us We Were Defeated
Memento Nora
The Name of the Wind
The Terror
Tao Te Ching
What Paul Meant
Lao Tzu and Taoism
Libyan Sands
Sand and Sandstones
Lost Christianites: The Battles for Scripture and the Faiths We Never Knew
The Science of God
Calculating God
Great Contemporaries, by Winston Churchill
City of Bones
Around the World in 80 Days, by Jules Verne
Stranger in a Strange Land
The Old Man and the Sea
Flowers for Algernon
Au Bonheur des Ogres
The Martian
The Road to Serfdom
De La Terre � la Lune (ip)
In the Light of What We Know
Devil in the White City
The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August
Red Mars
How to Be a Good Wife
A Mote in God's Eye
A Gentleman in Russia
The Fatal Conceit: The Errors of Socialism
Seneca: Letters from a Stoic
The Juanes Module

Juanes just needed his own mod. Who can disagree.
Tuesday. 11.16.10 11:04 pm
His song came on my Pandora Radio Station.

I still associate it with him, even though it's a popular song and it's been eight years since he used to listen to it all the time.

This is the second time I've thought of him in several days, after many years of not thinking about him at all.

The first time was when I was trying to figure out why my left ear has a big lump in it. It took me forever before I remembered that day, walking back through the courtyard to our dorm, when he accidentally hit me full force in the ear with his elbow.

At the time I wondered if the bump in my ear would be there forever. I wondered if I would never be able to forget him because he maimed me.

Here's to you.

I remember.

I use a piece of your old shirt as a spit-rag for my flute.

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On Clothing
Sunday. 11.14.10 1:27 am
One day this week I wore a t-shirt, a fleece, a pair of ill-fitting pants and a knitted hat to school. I had stayed up until at least three am for the last couple of days, so I was very pale and had deep, dark circles under my eyes. I went into the restroom at work and looked in the mirror. Because of the hat I looked like I didn't have any hair, and together with the pallor and the fleece I looked exactly like a cancer patient. Full-blown, in the middle of chemotherapy, cancer patient. I told this to my friend and she agreed. Thanks, FRIEND.

But you know what I realized that is wonderful?

I realized that I can wear whatever the fuck I want.

And I can look like a chemotherapy patient if I want to, and I don't give a fuck.

Who am I trying to impress?

You don't like Australia? That's not going to stop me from wearing my jacket with the word AUSTRALIA emblazoned across the front.

You think I should wear more sweaters? FUCK YOU. I'll wear sweaters when I feel like wearing sweaters.

I lost eight pounds just because I FELT LIKE IT.
Now my pants don't fit? I'll just wear baggy-ass pants- if you don't like it, FUCK YOU.

After all, my boss is in Antarctica. The only people I ever see are the people in my lab. They already know what I look like.

I'm a fucking adult, I have a job, I buy my own clothes, I do what I want, I run with twelve gangs.

See you later, I'll be the one wearing whateverthefuckIfeellikewearing.

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I Win.
Saturday. 11.13.10 12:09 am
The 20s and 30s group from church decided to go to Dave and Buster's tonight. I love them because they're always doing fun things and the youth pastor comes so I get to hear about what it's really like to be a youth pastor. She's really awesome and nice and funny. The youth pastor's husband is also a pastor, and he's very forthright about what things about a pastor's life can be extremely annoying. He also swears all the time and and drinks and really likes that youtube video with all of the World of Warcraft characters singing "The Internet is for Porn". He also says "ohmygod!" a lot and talks about how his congregation is really old so he's hoping they'll all die soon so he can remake the church into a totally different type of church. HAHAHA. This 55-year old woman also comes because she's in her 20s and 30s in her heart, and she's awesome and she's always telling us these incredibly hilarious stories about growing up in Atlanta and catching crawfish, and working at a bank where the Connecticut mafia had all their money. Now she works in the jewelry business, and since its Providence, there are all kinds of sketchy dealings going on there as well. When she was threatened several times by her ex-husband, more than one person told her that they "knew a guy" who could "put you ex in the Seekonk River, if you know what I mean".

Oh, Providence, so lovable. Everyone doing each other favors all the time....

I discovered that I have a hidden talent: the JUMP-ROPE GAME. Less than 25 cents to play, I can win 300 HUNDRED tickets in a go. It's just a big oval with lights around it and you have to jump when the lights get to the bottom of the oval. Badda-bing-badda-boom, 300 hundred tickets. So I kept winning and winning, and then I played the claw game and I won a watch, and then I played the jump rope game and I got more tickets, and then I went to the store and bought a stuffed monkey and a yo-yo and a lollypop and a glittery sticker. I still had a bunch of tickets left over so we're going to go back later. We'll probably go back on Wednesday night, when all the games are half-price. We also played skeeball (epic failure), the horse racing game (almost won), and the Rambo game where we were totally dominating in Afghanistan but were destroyed in Vietnam. The DDR machine was BROKEN, so we couldn't show off our mad skillz.

Anyway, this church group rules. I guess I'll actually go to church on Sunday. :D

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Theme Songs
Wednesday. 11.10.10 11:55 pm
Looking back, I started to have yearly theme songs starting my sophomore year of high school. Here is a list of the theme songs I've had in the years since then. In this context, "theme song" just means a song I listened to over and over and over and OVER during that particular year, or one that "defines" the year because of some special meaning being attached to it. I made a special playlist for them in the sidebar.

<-----over there

10th grade: Only God Knows Why, Kid Rock
11th grade: I Want It That Way, The Backstreet Boys
12th grade: In the End, Linkin Park
Freshman year: two songs, Kiss Kiss by Tarkan, and What It is to Burn by Finch
Sophomore Year: Back Home, Yellowcard
Junior Year: Empty Apartment, Yellowcard
Senior Year: Bruised, Jack's Mannequin
1st Year: Bruised, Jack's Mannequin
2nd Year: Bruised, Jack's Mannequin
3rd Year: Count Bodies Like Sheep, A Perfect Circle
4th Year: Flightless Bird, American Mouth, Iron and Wine
5th Year: Heavy in Your Arms, Florence and The Machine

Yeah, I kind of got stuck for a while on "Bruised"... I still listen to it all the time, it's at the top of my most-played list along with "La Tortura".

Playlist.com didn't have Empty Apartment, I'll put it here:

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Pedestrians in the Crosswalk
Monday. 11.8.10 6:35 pm
I waited patiently as a boy and a girl crossed the street in front of my car. The girl was dressed in boots, black tights, a short plaid skirt, wool coat, scarf, and a beret. Yes, you heard that right, a beret. The boy was wearing something non-descript with a wool jacket and a scarf. SoooOoo New England. I could tell within a half of a millisecond of seeing them that she was into him, but I couldn't see his face so I didn't know if the feeling was mutual.

They finally reached the other side of the street where they parted ways. She bit her bottom lip cutely, and made kind of a little skippy-jump as she stepped backwards into the street again.


I made myself calm down. After all, I've felt like that before, maybe once or twice in my miserable life, and it would be a shame to kill that feeling by sending the person who felt it flying like a bowling pin before the Great Bowling Ball of Vengeance.

Or would the word I'm looking for be "satisfying"?

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Excerpt 1
Saturday. 11.6.10 10:15 pm
Trips to Father’s office were normally one of Anna’s favorite activities. First of all it was on the 29th floor of an office building, which would have looked out over the entire city if it had been on the other side of the building, but which still looked out over a multitude of tiny houses and buildings that faded away into what Mother called “Kingdom Come”, which was generally a place she had to drive all over when she was doing her errands. The window stretched all the way from the floor to the ceiling, and you had to be very careful not to press your hands against the glass because Father said you might get fingerprints on the glass, and, as Anna often privately told Elizabeth, the glass might pop right out and there would be nothing to stop you from falling 29 stories to the parking lot below and breaking every single one of your bones. The office itself was a square room with a large wooden desk and a handsome leather office chair with twenty-eight identical indentations filled with brass buttons, which were perfect for using as a cash register or an elevator, as long as Father wasn’t sitting in it, and sometimes when he was. The chair sat on a smooth piece of hard plastic that allowed it to roll around on the thin gray carpet. The bottom of the plastic piece had a million tiny teeth which held it to the carpet. Anna liked peeling up the side of the plastic and pressing the teeth into her skin to make little indentations, but it was sometimes dangerous to sit behind Father there on the floor where he Can’t Even See You.
In a little room just around the corner from the office was a copy room filled with office supplies, which Father always let them use, even though Technically It Was Not Allowed. There were Post-It notes and paper clips, and little creatures that Father called “staple removers” which had spring-loaded jaws with pointy metal teeth. Those little Staple Removers, they liked to eat everything, like important papers or pencils or Elizabeth’s hair. One of their favorite foods was tacks, and if you accidentally opened a box of tacks around them you would absolutely lose control of them and you could barely hold on as they flew towards the tacks and then started gulping them down. “MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH, OH WE LOVE DELICIOUS TACKS”, they would always say. That’s how they kept their teeth so sharp.
Since the conversation she had had with Maximillian, Anna had begun to notice mathematical operators everywhere. The copy machine, for example, was a great big multiplication operator, because you put something in and then you told it how many copies you wanted and it multiplied your original papers by the number you wanted until you got a product. The paper shredder was a division machine which took one big piece of paper and divided it into little fractions of a piece of paper which you could weave into coasters for Father.
Father always let them type things on his very old typewriter, which was an addition machine because it could make letters, but it couldn’t take any of them away. The typewriter made a satisfying “clackity-clack-clack” and Elizabeth could type five hundred words per minute as long as nobody tried to read them.

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Discovering Holes
Friday. 11.5.10 5:56 pm
"Well, I've been writing it for a long time, and I had a bunch of characters, and they were doing things, but I couldn't really see where it was going, and I wasn't sure what the characters were doing and why they were doing what they were doing. And then, suddenly, I realized: the whole story takes place in Lebanon during the Israel-Hezbollah War in 2006!!! Of course! And then everything suddenly made sense!"

--My Awesome Friend Bronnie

I attended the kick-off party for Nanowrimo (National Novel-Writing Month) last Saturday. I knew immediately upon entering the bar which people were from Nanowrimo... there were only two of them, but they were wearing bland grey t-shirts with slogans on them and ill-fitting jeans or stretch pants and they had glasses and really long, unstyled hair. In short: they had an air of D&D about them that was unmistakable. Especially compared to everybody else who comes to bars at noon on Saturday.

They proved to be just as socially awkward as I had expected them to be, but we managed to have a pleasant conversation until everybody else showed up and we were shown to a private room for lunch.

Our awkward introductions and brief chats about what we all do for a living when we're not writing novels quickly segued into discussing what our novels were about, what our characters were like, and what anime and comic conventions we were planning to attend in the upcoming year. I asked one fellow about what he was writing about, and he said, "I don't really want to go into it too much... I find when I tell people what I've been writing about, I lose energy to actually write it." We all nodded in complete understanding and agreement. Some people had no real idea what they were going to write about, it was just going to start going down on paper November 1st and they would see where it went.

These were people who had a multitude of characters living in their heads simultaneously. These were people who imagined situations, relationships, stories... whole WORLDS... and probably never got to talk about them. These were people who always want to begin sentences, "Yeah, that story about your friend really reminds me of something one of my characters is going through..."

But the weirdest realization was that these people were MY people, and even though I didn't know them I was ELECTRIFIED just by hearing the way they thought and knowing that I think the same way. I hadn't hung out with people like that (outside of the family) since high school. Even in high school I only had a couple of friends like that. I've been spending so much time with geologists, and they're a great bunch, but they drink beer. That's what geologists do. They look at rocks and they drink beer. They're affable, smart, and quick with a joke. Some of them think deep thoughts. We appear to connect on deep levels.

But they have a well-established standard personality type. And it isn't mine.

The Nanos all bid each other farewell, and each of us went off to begin the crazy social experiment that is Nanowrimo, but I realized that even though we were from all walks of life, ages, levels of education, jobs, social circles, fashion sense... we were all so much more like each other than we are like anyone else we hang out with.

Having lunch with them made me aware of this great big hole that had been inside me for a long time which I had forgotten all about.

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Sunday. 10.31.10 12:57 am
I am almost to my car when I realize that I have forgotten something back in the gamelan room. I run back into the music library to the desk where I had just returned the key.

"I.... forgot... something... in the gamelan room. Can I borrow the key for just a moment?"

It takes her a minute-- in the thirty seconds I had been gone she had already completely forgotten who I was. Then she produces the key and I rush to the gamelan room.

I don't tell her that what I forgot was a leaf.....

...would she have understood if I told her that I found the prettiest leaf I had ever seen, green and yellow in the middle with a ring of flaming red, supple like well-worked leather, and if I left it in the gamelan room until Tuesday, it would have turned brittle and brown and died? That I HAD to run back and fetch it, so that I could try to preserve its colors between the pages of a heavy book?


She wouldn't have.

So I didn't tell her.

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