Books I have completed reading since January 2021:
1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
Friends and Enemies
Akatsuki: Nightmares & Dreamscapes
-beats in my head-
Chika-Chin's Anime Mania!
empty white space
In My World
My Blah blah Bulogu
My Little World
Sdovelly~ c'est la vie
Serene's Silent Secrets
Shuffle and Repear
Tolanic's Travel Blog
When your heart rules
Tuesday. 7.2.19 1:24 pm
I am being so emotional now.
Well that mainly stems from a huge amount of money got burnt for my own carelessness but the provider didn't have to be such a cold person too. Anyways, I will leave that for another day.
There was a post I wanted to write during Chinese New Year (CNY) but I never got the chance because my chain of thought just got cut and suddenly I was lost for words.
Maybe I had typed something simpler like my sister is moving out. She has been saying that since CNY but don't see any action. When I came back and saw she was tidying up the sofa, I somewhat knew she is gonna leave perhaps in July? I am suddenly emo perhaps because I don't know how to cope with an absence of a person whom you have seen and know they are there in your space and suddenly just gone. The way she has been praying recently is really weird and my feelings is telling me she is praying so she has the bravery to walk out of this home and never come back.
Will I be the only child in this family then? Years ago I never dreamt that this would be happening for I thought it would be me moving out for good and never turn back. Who has thought it would be my sister who was a filial daughter to my parents? Who was obedient and prioritised family that would be doing this?
I never know her side of the story but from my observation my parents kinda spoilt her and then in return my sister would say it was my mother who spoilt me. I think my mother was playing us both, that's all, you know like how you gamble? Put here and there some and see which one gives better returns.
My sister acted like she hates me a lot. She used to ban my whatsapp and answered rudely or cut me off before on the phone. I don't really care actually because I am tired.
And suddenly to know the only person to support two elderly in the home on my own suddenly makes me overthinking about my life. I just feel I don't want to continue living anymore. I don't know how to cope. My sister will definitely be keeping in touch with father since he had given her a sum of money to buy a car. But I don't think she would do so with Mother though.
I suddenly feel tired. Tired of being me. How can we have a break from our own identity?
I suddenly just don't want to be alone in this house. Will I be the only child in this house? What does that mean now?
I am tired and I wanna pause myself from trying to define what am I in this house that is if only I can pause a fragment of time. If I can pause time and still move I would gladly do it so I will have infinity time to rest without worrying the clock ticking.
Sunday. 6.9.19 8:56 am
At the beginning of this week, I could not let go of the thought that I had to apologise to someone who had offended me instead. Why? Because these are some things that will not leave the nest of my mind until I write it down. Weird? No idea. Perhaps it just disturbs me greatly which it did. Yea. Past tense since it didn't emit such strong feeling now compared t when it just ended. But still bothers me. I have actually decided not to write about it because it's already a week and why want to let this unimportant matter keep playing like a broken record right? It's so unhealthy for my beautiful mind but it bothers me a lot. So why?
Because someone said something that is laughable about this person and me. He said that I am seeing someone because he could see we are always together that's related to coffee. I agree that people often think we are indeed a couple since you can always spot us at cafe taking photographs. Even we got mistook as couple that a wedding planner approached us with their packages. I should have just replied him "We are divorced."
How can I ever get such person as a partner? Unthinkable. So last week I just asked playfully if wanna go coffee. He replied not today. I replied that I didn't say today with a smiley. In return he said "It's that how you phrase your question?" I'm actually dumbfounded. I mean what's wrong with my reply? I was just playing.. don't you sometimes talk like that to your friends too? I immediately apologised and added if I offended you. He replied "It's just so childish >.<".
To be frank, I hated that reply. There are several occasions where I am totally offended by his words like making me feel my outfit is to be blamed for not getting a good Instagram shot or because I don't do normal poses. And yet I just bit my tongue and never really show my true reaction. There was also one time he asked me to do some kind of pose to be photographed and I did. When I saw the results, I was struck. What was that for? He said just for fun. That was SO childish and I was fuming and yet I didn't say anything.
And yet this sentence of mine you said it's childish? If we were to analyse grammatically, I never mentioned the date and time of drinking coffee. So basically I was just asking do you want to drink coffee regardless of time and who and date. So I was not wrong.
I think I am fuming because I was quick to apologise at the expense of my own self. It was not my wrong and why do I give him the power to have the upper hand. It was unjust to me. He didn't even replied when I said "Have a great Sunday." In no way, I am not indicating that I could not live without him though his photography skills is handy but I am at loss now since this is like indicating I don't know how to interact with friends. Seriously? This reminded me a lot of the guy I dated long time ago. I asked him back so how should I talk to my bf then? He just cut me off by saying tired and I cut him off for good from my life. Haha. Karma bites back harder.
So what do I do with this guy? Let him go like how I let my other friends go. I need to be an independent photographer and just meet new friends who can help me take photographs. Some friends commented that he may not even treat me as a friend or I caught him at a time he was restless or just hit the wrong nerve. Like I care? Yea why do I even care when I bet he didn't even think of this offending matter anymore.
Ok I have journaled so I can move on now. So next!
Oh What A Jerk.
You won't believe it that I got offended by 2 guys within a day. Yup. No 1 was in the morning and no 2 was at night.
Here's a public figure who is desperate to be a social media influencer. No seriously. If you see his resume and the awards he have, he's really public figure only in his own area. HAHA. So he came asking me how to increase his likes on Instagram. I have already shared whatever I can and know.
But here's the real problem of his. He wants others to like his posts without contributing to anyone's posts as in liking others back. I suddenly get lots of IG likes thanks to listening to a tip of IG influencer on my birthday last year. His technique was simple: just like some photos within a time frame on some hashtags and people will like your posts back. Hey that worked for my birthday post which hit 500 likes in a day. Ok, I liked a lot of photos on countless of hashtags on that date but hey it worked! I still practise that until today but of course lesser but still the likes on my posts are always increasing steadily. I have shared this with him but he didn't like that idea and yet commented how the number of followers of mine grow!
Yea... it takes two to tango. The most annoying part was this public figure had pestered me to like his photos for the past one year. I told him that if you want my likes you got to like mine first which he did but one and I liked in return 3. I am pretty generous with my likes because I see it as support not some markers. But I got so annoyed that I unfollow him on IG and I think he didn't figured that out, yet. HAHA. I feel so much at peace without seeing his posts. His posts are not that bad but I am into creative photography pictures so his posts like selfies are not my kind. I even unfollow some of my celebrity friends instagram let alone his. I don't need to know what he is doing NOW in order to save the world because he is all talks and no actions. I have worked with him before so trust me. And I am just being so nice for even continuing talking to him.
So what happened last week? OMG. He asked me to increase his number of followers and number of likes. I think it was an order not even a request. Now, I hate that kind of tone. Firstly, I never thought of being an influencer and I am doing it as part of a learning curve - you never know when such skill is useful for my future business. Secondly, his pictures are not really the lot people want to see nowadays. He is not even handsome with only one pack. People want nice photos with nice filters not selfie. Thirdly, I don't give a damn about him.
So after much of telling him to DIY, he strategised that in order to step up his game, he needs to have another public figure to help him out like perhaps taking photos with him so he can post on his acc? He was also complaining how one of our friends who is a socialite can get so many likes in a day and bla bla. I replied that's cause you are not a socialite to begin with. What was his abominable reply? I am a green socialite too. Right... only in your own area of expertise. Our friend is well-known beyond the country! HAHA. And then he said "FIND ME A PUBLIC FIGURE." Wait. WTH? I didn't even agree to begin with or say anything. Where did that come from. Not even a please?
And so I was already fuming. I kept demanded why he was ordering me? He replied because I have already achieved 500 likes per post; been there done that so I am obliged to help him? So I told him of the things I didn't like he did to me especially in our latest reunion, and he had no remorse. It's like it's expected. My goodness. I just banned him on whatsapp. I am not going to communicate with him anymore.
I don't mind sharing but this guy only takes. I wish his wife best of luck if he can get a girlfriend la.
This guy didn't offend me whatsoever but scared the shit out of me for the past few years with deep negative thoughts though they can be part of future reality but there's no point of thinking so much of the future when we are supposed to tackle the problems at present.
What make me so restless is that he keeps on telling me to leave the country for greener pasture. Anywhere as long as it's outside of our home country because the future of minority is dead. Well, that's heavy but where to?
I have evaluated my skills and I am pretty unwanted abroad because I have no specialisation that is on demand in other countries. I tried studying but also thanks to you that I didn't like my course and I burnt a hell lot of money to study in the same uni as you. I should have studied in another uni that I quite like.
But his fear for the future kept growing to the point I also feel there's no future here for me that I developed the urgency to leave the country too. Anywhere but home. And that torn me a lot for a long time.
This happened again a few days ago. The fear there's no future at home to the point hope is extinguished completely. While I was ruminating what to write here, I think he is just saying to others that they are losers for not migrating. You can continue to stay and fight. Well, seriously, why don't you stay and fight too? It's your home too. Why rely on others to fight a better home for you when each of us is a torch of hope and changemaker? We need to do this together!
I didn't get the chance to say that the more he thinks about his fear the more it may realise due to law of attraction. So we need to think of the opposite like I am so scared of the peace and racial harmony in the country. Maybe that would work better.
He ended the conversation with "I am getting out of here next year. Peace sign."
Well, I am sad to hear a friend leaving but if this is his path so be it la. It's not my path unless I choose to leave the country willingly to achieve my dreams.
Oh well, it seems I have been listening to so many other friend's dream or course of action and I neglected my own voice.
Time to shut off from these kind of people for some time to find my own voice....
I feel much better now after letting my mind releasing some needed steam.
Thursday. 6.6.19 5:38 am
No wonder sometimes people say money can solve all problems. For now, my problem can be so solved by money. I just need to have the amount of money I need to buy a house and have the house in my name.
What my mother said is true just now. In the midst of our own pain, her daughters forgot her pain. We are just too into our own pain inflicted by her. Perhaps in such moment, she is also communicating her own pain like how I am always screaming at her. And we didn't acknowledge because we are selfish.
Despite all that, I think my sister is the cruelest of all. My parents doted on her the most and yet she turns out to be more evil than me. Perhaps that support the research saying that people/kids who are atheist are much more kinder than religious people. My sister prays a lot daily to the point like she is possessed - I am referring to her voice when she prays. Why pray so much when become so evil?
There was no compassion at all from her. Even if she has come to hate the family at least can have the kindness to replace the food that she finished? She has not been doing that for the past 2 years. Nothing whatsoever. She only pays 1% of the household bill and she will be violent when that bill just increases a little by few dollars when me and my mom pay the rest of the 99% of the bill.
My mother was so hurt that she does not call her 'mother' anymore. This is even shocking to me. I could see she treats everyone in the house as invisible and she does not interact with us all. She will talk extremely sweet on the phone to everyone on the phone except to her mother and me. Yea, and that helps her to project such a kind and sweet person to others. People don't believe what we say to others.
The devil in disguise. So on spot.
I have screamed at her for being fake and she replied with a painful victimised look. Why the act? Funny people.
I am highly aware of my age where people reap their hard work but I am at the opposite where I am just finally telling myself that I have finished recuperating and finally starting my engine and now all this shit happens.
I can feel my desperation is kicking in. I shall pray more for God to take over for I am not in the right frame of mind to decide anything.
Monday. 6.3.19 1:51 pm
Talking to one of my friends is always so morbid. This friends keeps saying to migrate elsewhere the country I am living has no future and bla bla. Always. Before we changed the government, he painted such a morbid picture that I fear for my own life to continue living in my own house that I was even thinking of moving too! I thought it will be better when we changed the government but no my friend kept saying hope lies outside of our country. Hope lies wherever we are. The picture he painted again is as morbid as previously.
So when I questioned him back if that is the case why isn't everyone leaving then? Because majority is stuck like me so why paint such a picture to begin with?! Scaring people like this won't do anyone any good because we will be so scared to stand up or to even think clearly.
Where do you want to move if you can? Move until no where else to go?
I am tired of listening to all this bad things... I really need to go somewhere where I can find peace. I should really cut off from whatsapp when people just talk nonsense but no action to make the world a better place.
I proposed to end our lives given the negative pictures. But he replied hope lies outside.
Right. The law of attraction. The more he thinks of a negative picture the more it will happen. I have been praying for justice on the country's fiscal health and I can see it is going well though I am not praying a lot like I want to but still I put my heart and sincerity in my prayers.
I believe that my prayers work.
Update: Sigh. My friend bent on running away from our country. I can't explain the sadness in my chest now.
Thursday. 5.30.19 5:22 am
Oh well, I have a row with my mother again because I accidentally said something. I said she cannot do her prayers now because she needs to fetch me to office first. By the way why so in the hurry to do prayers before leaving? When she is gonna be in the house the whole day watching movies on her laptop from afternoon till night? And then bitching about having no job? And also she needs to pack food first... so factoring in the packing time I calculated I am gonna reach office by 2pm or 3 pm. If that's the case why do even enter office today to begin with when I am totally exhausted.
So... my mum wailed again that she has dedicated her whole life serving the family... bla bla.. and so when I said I take Grab she said I am the one who always started the fight. Well, you asked me when to leave the house right?? So I tell when to leave la!
I am tired. Really. I realised I am tired due to spiritual and emotional exhaustion. Not really physical. To come home from work to see a mother wailing about having not enough job though she got more freelance jobs than me in a month and see her talking about others is really tiring. To be frank, I don't wanna hear all this. I just want to come back to the silence of the house. I have a lot of things I wanna do on my laptop but due to exhaustion I don't do.
Just now she dropped me off at work. Throughout the journey we were quiet and I was really thinking what happened if I have left home 10 years ago for good. What will happen to me at that time until now. Will I be able to achieve the things that I wanna do? People usually get moving pretty quickly when the condition is not comfortable.
I know I will have change job then because the pay will be too low to support my spending if I were to rent a room.
I may not be doing the same freelance job as my mum just to avoid my family members. It will be awkward isn't it to be in the same venue but not talking to each other?
I will be more independent for sure. I will have to rely only myself to survive. No one else. I will be stronger.
I may even have bought myself a house! This is actually weird. I don't have any assets to date because I have a feeling I won't be here for long as though I will move.
I may even go to other states or countries even Singapore to work! This is exciting!
I may have a cat already! OMG!!! A real what if!
My mental health may be improved since I only have myself and and imaginary cat to think about.
My health will deteriorate because eating out is no good and I won't be spending money on food. And that may even mean I would have been hooked on some life long medicine by now. I would not be meeting my current Chinese doctor who cured me of certain symptoms. I may not learn much on health too.
I would look uglier and fatter due to poor health. No really. I was really fat. I have water eye bags at a young age. The Chinese doctor cured that.
I would not have gone for some international youth workshop and get to know the bunch of people that I am closed with.
I would not have the current bunch of friends that I am comfortable with now.
I would have work full time just for money and further suppress my intuition calling. Maybe not.
I would have totally cut off with my family and I may be home sick. That's what happened for few months when I was studying abroad that I was crazy enough to even think in that second that I will drop EVERYTHING just to return home. Thank god. I didn't. It was the best time in my whole life.
So this SWOT could be quite useful. So what is it that I am not happy about?
My mother and my life. People often say don't disturb the snake if u don't wanna get bitten. Did I? Yes, sometimes. Even if I didn't, she becomes clingy after my sister has stop giving a damn about her and so she turns to me after remembering her fucking other daughter who she never pays much attention compared to my sister.
I'm just tired of this little favouritism game.
I did consider of going to Japan or somewhere for a few months for some quiet and peace. If I were to tell my mother to stop messaging me, she will go crazy.. will go screaming and bla bla. Sometimes I wanna tell her if you are so unhappy in this house why don't you move? She and my sister has said that before to me.
I am still communicating my pain. How can I heal this pain? I am finding this pain a waste of time. I have been depressed for half of my life already. I don't wanna to be in that state again because I would then have to focus all my energy in bringing myself out of it. It's a lot of work every second. I already spent like 20 years fighting this depression and then 5 years on some stupid guy and I don't want to misuse my time anymore. My depression is accumulated since I was a kid that got beaten and continue to accumulate when I was in primary and high school.
Wasting time ....
I want to focus on myself and needs!!!
I know people say our parents spend their energy on us and so we need to pay back. How to pay back? My mother wants the moon and the sky. She can say whatever she wants to other people that shows she is so humble but I can tell you she wants the galaxy. If like this, take back my life. Unborn me. Because my experience has shaped me for what I am because of my unloving environment. Don't blame me.
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall....
Tuesday. 3.26.19 3:57 am
So you didn't read my post below... but it's ok because I am making the second post for the day. The below is the first post and now is the second post. In analysis, it should be the other way round but I just typed out whatever vomited out from my brain.
This morning I had a row with my mother after some peaceful weeks at home. I was tired and cranky from the whole last week of working.
Let just say I don't know why I blew up at 6.30am when I was mopping the floor... changing the water and solution. I was shouting at mother that I received no help in doing this very chore and as though she and my sister are waiting for someone to change the water every time. I am also tired and I am also not advised to do heavy housework chores due to medical reasons. And I usually change the water as early as 0530 or at night while my family members are asleep or busy watching their drama or simply surfing. I don't mind their activities but all I ask is can we at least alternate? You do after I do and so on. Not just state "Oh the water is already dirty" and then continue to mop with those dirty water and wait for something to happen. I have tried of doing nothing and nothing seriously happened.
Well, at least now I could see my sister is doing laundry because previously she didn't. My mum did her laundry. But changing the water..... hmm not in March.... not in February... maybe once in January? She always say she is very busy or she is always going out like now.... so what does she do when she is at home? Watch movies or just do her own work from home.
All I ask is just alternate with me in changing water just at least once a week. I complained once about the enlargement of my thyroid for changing water so frequent. My mother told me I don't need to announce. Right. I just said once now and yet the water is not changed immediately despite the water was extremely murky... and my sister and my mother never washed their toilet feet mat whenever they soak it in the toilet of my charge. I once just did nothing... the cloth just stayed in my toilet for more than a month until it smelled in a funny coloured water. And my mother would just continue lying to herself 'Oh she (my sister) will wash'. FU. A few weeks ago, I was kind enough to wash for them because I don't like their cloth to rot in my toilet.
So this morning? I blew up because I am angry that my sister and my mother don't change the water at a faster speed even though my mother say she will change.... but she always say that.. the action is so slow... she has knee injury but my sister has been feeding her with a lot of collagen that she feels so much better and I could see her skin is glowing so much better than mine when mine is pale as sheet and the doctors whom I met in a workshop were so concern for me that they asked was I really sick.
My sister kept saying she has no money but she has the money to buy such expensive collagen products for herself and for her mother. And yet she didn't replenish any food to date. She dare not eat the food at home already after I demanded her to pay me back the food I bought.
So in my explosion this morning I was telling my mother that
1. Why can't you and her help?
2. Why do you make me feel it's like my responsibility to change the water?
3. I can't do heavy work too... I am suffering too.
That's cause I have scoliosis and permanent backache and whatever aches in my body... and at the moment I am having pain in my kidney everyday at certain hour. I have thyroidism hence I no longer can tolerate stress and that extended not even physical stress of carrying heavy stuff. Otherwise I can feel my thyroid is enlarged.
4. I don't even have money to pay for a blood test... why can't you help me delay the need of this test because I need to know the status of my thyroid. Though I feel much better compared to one year ago but seriously I have enlarged nodules now too. So I am worried.
The reply was YOU DON'T NEED TO SHOUT... YOU ARE SO NOISY....and then threatened me that she won't fetch me out of the house. Fine. I was not ready for that kind of war since I still rely on her for transportation. So I apologised twice in a row so she could fetch me out.
But what did I feel after that screaming match? I feel like committing suicide that very moment. When I reached office... I took the knife and placed it at my stomach and asked myself repeatedly why I didn't end my life sooner... why I didn't end my life 9 years ago. If I did, I would have avoided all this unhappiness. Why I didn't? Because I could not tolerate the mild pain the knife pointed at my gastric area. It was my fear of pain that saved me over and over again. But now I have a new method that I found someone was talking about that is to tie the rope around my neck behind the door. That idea sounds simple... and I can hear my brain working out the logistic...
As I came into office I knew I need to talk to someone because I was screaming in the office alone about what I have done wrong in my life to date... because I thought I was getting better... feeling better... getting my finance better. What went wrong? And that moment I realised how fragile my whole world was just because of one person who should not matter but matter in some way.
I think it's time for another cord cutting with my mother. It has saved my sanity and I have to do again for the sake of saving myself.
But while I was talking to the psychic my intuition was telling me the reason for my shouting match was because I was COMMUNICATING my pain. I was conveying my pain; I was talking but in shouting mode; but nevertheless I was COMMUNICATING. So instead of shutting me up or someone's scream, just let them continue until they lost their train of thoughts. It's their way of bringing up the pain and whatever has been overdue in the body essence. Of course, it is quite unfair for the nearest person or the loved ones to be screamed at for no reason but I think it's also important to dismiss it as some crazy person. That's because I realised as I was screaming my pain I kept repeating certain thoughts and my mother will keep saying she could not do anything about the what I wanted to believe in. Instead of saying I don't give a shit about it, why not explore on that? There must be a reason to every argument. People just don't get angry for no reason isn't it? Why not try to understand me instead of shutting me up? I felt small. I felt like I was being instilled with fear again like when I was a kid again. That's what happened when I reached out for help, I was told to shut up in which I interpreted it as I am not allowed to ask for help. A lot of similar events happened in my life which then I realised it made me so independent that I cannot see my mother asking help for the very same thing I was denied. I hated it.
And... my mother didn't even notice I was in some kind of depression when we were arguing. I am sure she didn't even want to know I was back to suicidal again. Like what I did this morning. I am sure she will just reply 'Just die' thinking I was just being a drama queen. Was I? Was I an attention seeker? Why did I seek attention? What was going on inside me? Why renaye, why? Why were you so unhappy? All I wanted was someone to change that water even before I could say change. That is all. Sounds simple right? But why was I begging and crying? The same thing when someone did that for love. Do I feel love? I feel I am the only one that supports myself. I know my mother supports me via transportation but nothing emotionally, mentally and spiritually. And these are the places that I am totally drained and I need to unload.
Did I explode because I wanted my mother to love me like how she did to my sister? Because what my sister received is not the same as me? Or like how my mother looks at my sister? Maybe, unconsciously. I think my body knows that she sees me as an extra hand, nothing more than that. And all I was asking, perhaps, is just for some love debris that she has extra for my sister. I am like the small fish underneath those huge fish roaming for the extras. Ouch. such flowery descriptive....
I came home now and found my mother not saying a single word to me and went to her room shortly. I think if it's my sister, she will try to strike a conversation. Why do I even feel sad? Because I feel unwanted? It is in us that we want to be wanted. So I am not surprised that I feel this way.
This means I seriously need a cord cutting...
But I also want to talk someone... What about my mother? I still want to talk to her.... From an anime I quite like... no child does not want to be loved by their mother... and with that the girl who was raped raised the child... It was a wise sentence...
What about me? Apologise and tell her what? I already apologised, twice. What else? Kill myself completely? Well, I will seriously think of it again if she demands for money. She can then inherit my retirement funds which is enough to last her retirement.
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