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the beginning (a simple seed) ~the classic crime
i left my heart in a plastic box
on the bedside table, it will be locked
til i get home

i'm growing feeble and tired of the world
tired of constantly missing my girl
and i long to smell the sea

the sea...
the sea-yeah

i miss the Pacific Ocean
and the northwestern air
and run each of my fingers
through the strands of her hair

ive been over this country lately
but i've been nowhere it seems, nowhere

but ive found the cure to my landlocked blues
its coming home to you

you

if a simple seed
gets just what it needs
then a redwood tree can grow
up to a hundred feet
and endure the sleet and the snow

but if my whole life
was wrapped and priced
i wonder what the tag would show
cuz everytime im close to the holy ghost
i let her go

i let her go...

i left my heart in a plastic box
on the bedside table
it will be locked, til i get home
calendario


May 2021

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quotes i'd like to save...
-=How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd=- ~Alexander Pope

-=ur the sunshine after the rain, the tylenol to my pain=-~me

-='I'll love you till the ocean
Is folded and hung up to dry=- ~ W.H. Auden

-=live ur life, make ur heaven=- ~me reflecting upon stuff i learned at yfc

-=life isnt measured by the breaths u take, but moreso the number of breaths u take away=-~meggyo's profile
AOL?
Saturday. 9.23.06 5:00:55 pm
*dun dun dunnnn* yeah. im bloggin. that's right. alas. so i was kinda thinking "how did i end up here?" here as in..in an apartment in slippery rock PA with 3 guys. so i got to thinking about the olden day, back when gas was under 2 dollars...back when i lived in california....back when i moved to maryland. SO. yeah. here goes. as we all know, moving from california to maryland right before highschool probably sucks. but yeah...one thing that i actually got to discover....was the internet. i mean i obviously knew it was existent, but i didnt have aim...or myspace...or facebook or anything. thus, when i was ripped from my comfy home of california, my mother kinda consoled me with the presenting of America Online. or "AOL" if you will. Now, with AOL, i met a whole bunch of people. 2 off the top of my head i actually met, just people whom found my AOL profile to be interesting. ha...and yeah..i did the "online girlfriend" thing...but anyway. i digress. what occurred to me...was that i met this girl Leah online, she introduced me to David, whom introduced me to nutang, whom introduced me to Meghan Oefinger, whom i've been dating for almost 2 years. so. i guess its just crazy to think about. my grandma had a stroke, my mom moved us from cali to maryland, i got the internet, met meghan, stuck with her, and stuck with her all the way to slippery rock. jeez. throw in some awesome friends...some horrible doings on my part.... and thats like my life as of right now. if my grandma didnt have a stroke....i'd probably still be in california...maybe going to college at berkely, becoming a computer programmer? who the hell knows. i doubt its worth even thinking about it, cuz it doesnt matter, i'm happy right where i am. i feel like im more in control of my life, and i can take my life to where i want it. its just a matter of time til i figure out exactly where i want it. i'm workin on it..

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"pitiful"
Wednesday. 8.2.06 2:43:05 am
i sit at my computer drinking. alone with a jack and coke. i know it wont solve my problems..i merely just want to pass the time. i don't want to sleep. im afraid of what dreams may steal my sight. i rather my drunken eyes be stuck to this computer monitor. i need more jack in this cup..im a minimalist. i keep state of mind first before a lot of things. i see the result of an 'excess' of work as something not worth the loss of a chance to be happily doing something else. say i work my ass off, trying to be a lawyer. say i go to law school, pull all nighters on a regular basis. say i get internships, getting my foot in the door at some firms. years of all of that...and what does it get me. a job as a lawyer. helping people sue other people. defending innocent people from getting prosecuted. that sounds good. but in reality, does it really help you sleep at night? personally, it wouldnt for me. i'd be too pissed off and stressed out about the constant work i'd hafta put in to maintain such a job. too pissed off to enjoy my life. too stressed to devote myself to a family that deserves the best. shit......and this is all of course hypothetical. hypothetical for someone who knows they WANT to be a lawyer.



so meghan. i find your 'if my heart had wings' entry extremely offensive. you make it seem like my friends are lollygagging, slacking, bumbling buffoons. your 'real' friends are working 40 hours, doing internships...well good for them. if you're speaking about kate and kara...i dont recall them speaking about much else other than complaining about some physical ailment, or school work. i never really heard them talk too much about their boyfriends, then again, i don't know any of them all that well in the first place. i shouldnt even talk about them, anyway. when do you have fun with your 'real' friends? during joined complaints about class? during the once in a blue moon visit to ghost riders? or maybe just getting drunk. i know i have fun with my friends everytime i see them. and all of them are my 'real' friends. the years through college are supposed to be the best times of your life. why does it have to be mostly work? is it so you won't have to work as hard later? well if i'm a warehouse worker with a degree in spanish, i'll be eating my words. but if in a year or 2 im a teacher, working as hard as i want, being as happy as i can, then what the fuck else do i need? happiness is more important than money right? i have a set goal, and i'm genuinely happy with how i'm progressing, and i know if i achieve my goal, i'll be genuinely happy.


you said you probably wouldnt give me the time of day if i went to your highschool. because i seem like the people you 'hang out with' today. the people you go bowling with i guess right? the people you bowl with "are not working their asses off to ensure their future career with internships and summer school" right? and thats me right? not ensuring my future and all. well shit. so you wouldnt have gone out with me in the first place had you known i was such a slacker? such a PITIFUL fucking piece of shit that should be crying himself to sleep because he doesnt work day and night toward becoming a teacher instead of taking care of his brothers, hanging out with his freinds, and talking to his girlfriend every night?



i think i may be drunk as of right now. maybe its just what i needed to loosen my tongue, and say what i need to say. you said "timing, location, and availabilty" determine what happens in life. well shit. did i just get royally fucked on all 3 of those things this summer? cuz i would think that people like david a would be apparently more available to hangout/talk with you at whatever time. and of course the ever so willing to talk sank, whom is perpetually home before 7 and in delaware all weekend long is ready to talk. well god damn they sure are more timely available than i. i'm not so lucky as to live in PA. i'm not so lucky as to have a father that's grounded me for making up grade transcripts. shit. i'm just pounding the keys now. wow. maybe i should have just called you. but i think when i read your blog i was apalled at how it was mostly one HUGE offensive rant and i think im just very very bitter at the fact that you did this. so here i am. maybe even a drunken rant. im jealous. jealous of scott and david a. because apparently...they'd prolly make better boyfriends for you than i would. then again. who wouldn't, right?



FUCK.


so yeah about this other entry of yours...."a look". the one where you're talking about how i looked after my birthday. and how you would remember this look. "It is that look that I will remember when things get rough, when I start to lose myself or question where I am going." well, what the fuck. did you just up and forget about it then? jesus mary and jospeh. that entry was the 19th of july. just a few weeks ago. seems like just yesterday. guess i must have really fucked up from then til now then. or maybe it was just you coming to your senses as to how much of an apparent goddamn loser i am.


well i think i've had enough tonight. shit. hows that for passion. please don't insult my friends. i mean no offense to yours. god damn 6:11 in the morning....

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suffering suckatash(sp?)
Sunday. 7.30.06 1:38:44 am
garbage. i am trash. i feel like i cant escape it. meghan dropped a hammer of truth on my glass core of confidence. i'm a bad boyfriend. i pay too little attention to her and i'm not there when she needs me. we broke up last night. for the length of a 2 hour phone conversation, i was considering us finished. by about a hair's width of a chance, we stuck together to work things out. and by that thread...i feel like we're hanging by that hair of a thread. i feel like things could go catastrophically wrong at any moment. this pressure is horrible. garbage. i am trash.

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does it take one to know one?
Wednesday. 7.26.06 1:57:14 am
what a mess. what a wonderously weaved web of a mess. today brett n mike were at my house...n we were playing smash. my step father walks in and i immediately feel uncomfortable, and my performance in the game and general mood suffer noticeabley. im not sure why my 'uncle joel' has this effect on me. he's not really mean to me, n hes not really nice to me. he has however put a roof over my head, and food on the table. but then again, my mom is working again now, too. the other day (sunday), i came home from meeting bob and other smashers just a lil ways from lake waterford...and my mother asked me to return the videos we had rented awhile ago. she's sitting at the kitchen table with uncle joel n he says (to my mother in tagalog) "buy water". and so my mom needlessly translates to me what he said because 1-i understood what he said, and 2-its not like i didnt hear him. like he cant speak to me directly, unless its about some house chore, feeding the children, or scolding me for doing something stupid. maybe its just cuz my pop called and shook my faith or lack thereof in him again. i slept over my mikes the night he called, and mike/brett asked about the call, and i outright said "fuck him". now that i think about it i regret putting it that way, but it saddens me that its come to that. it used to be so that just saying 'shut up' to him was a tremendous disrespect that made me feel like absolute shit for saying it. but now....it seems he's intermittently attempting to gain my respect. he hasn't exactly earned that back just yet...


*sigh*...i had a dream the other night. that i was with my little bros and my cousin justin. we were staying in some hotel room, close to a carnival type thing. the only thing i remember happening was me playing with a cat for some reason...and then the cat freaking out, and clawing at my eyes. i could feel the induvidual claws sinking into my eyeballs. it was horrible. i didnt want to pull the cat away cuz it wouldve taken my eyes with it.

i want to talk about bob. chris from smashboards randomly appeared at my door sunday and asked if i wanted to go meet bob and smash at his house. brett then joined in at my house and we went to bobs house who turned out to live just a few minutes away. the house was immense, it was probably about 3 times as big as my house. but yes, there we met bob, matt, keary, and cody. i played them one on one and beat them all. given, i only played one match against them all. but it was still a great performance for me i thought. playing so much smash actually paid off in this situation. meeting new people, that were probably better than i am, but being triumphant, all the while...having a good time. so i talk to meghan later that sunday evening..
and she tells me how i could be doing more constructive things with my time. and she was probably right. i mean. i play in my free time, and what will it get me in the end? probably nothing. maybe a lil respect as a good player in other's eyes, but whats that worth in the real world? less than the time thats put into it most likely. will it get me a job? im not that lucky.

i guess i see it more like...
does it keep me from going insane from boredom? yeah
did video games help me find friends like jeremy, zach, aaron, random, dac, and b-rad? yes.


video games has its pros and cons....but as long as i feel balanced enough to have them in my life, i'm going to have them in my life.

i dont know why i just typed that spiel about games....



im tired.

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whats bothering me?
Friday. 7.14.06 3:02:11 am
*sigh*. fuck. just a flat out, exasperated 'fuck'. i'd be listening to music right now but the computer ceases to function once i insert the cd which i wish to partake in. fuck. i think i had more of a momentum doing this blog if i had started like 15 minutes ago, but alas it's past 3am now so....fuck. and these are all just small inconvenniences really in comparison to what's really bothering me. i had a bad night playing smash tonight. yes, the video game. and by bad i mean frustrating. and by frustrating i mean i was just dumb. plain and simple. i lost my cool. THATS whats bothering me. fuck. i mean its just a game right? and im not even a very competitive person. and even still, in everyday situations, patience is my thing. hell i wanna be a teacher right? and we all know how much patience they must have.fuck. i just dont know what i want sometimes. sometimes i think i need time out of the house. sometimes i think i need some sort of physical activity. sometimes i think i need sex. sometimes i need video games. sometimes i think i need a beer. sometimes i think i need to take a road trip with good music. sometimes i think i need to go back to school for some intellectual activity. sometimes i think i need a place of my own(or maybe with 3 guys my age)....most of the time having meghan here would put my whole being at ease with just laying like brocolli, which is what i feel like im doing everyday. wake up, eat something, play a video game, watch tv, brett comes over to my house n we smash, wash dishes, and thats basically 90% of all i do. god. i guess just being home for my brothers is important though. and that is the brighter side of all of this. i need a change of pace. i hope this weekend and my 21st birthday will be something of that nature..

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i have the sudden urge to pray..so here i am
Saturday. 6.3.06 12:54:53 pm
so i haven't actually felt like praying in a long time. a lot of people only resort to praying when the going gets tough. and i'm sure that one would be able to view their lives as difficult at any point in time. just a matter of pressimism vs optimsim. but this really isn't what i wanted to pray about. i feel incomplete. i feel incomplete and i want to look to a higher power for some sort of hint about what i should do about it, how i can complete myself. and with this urge, this helpless feeling, i ask myself, 'well, why do you feel incomplete?'. a couple thoughts go through my head. i feel lazy. i dont feel productive without a job. the time i spend with my friends would be that much sweeter if i had a job that kept me away for just a lil bit. granted, i missed them a lot when i was in PA, but too much of a good thing isn't necessarily fantastic. i feel old. maybe not necessarily like..tired and not energetic. but like...i've been more conscious of my age as of late. going to the mall today for dinner was a slight eyeopener. seeing many groups of middle schoolers escorted by their older 20 year old sister whom also has a child of 11 months. sitting with a group of my friends...an old school mate of ours walked by and we said hello. i didnt really know him, but he asked "what have you been up to?" and nick said, "same things we were doing in highschool". and this almost saddened me. i'm turning 21 in about a month...and am i still acting like a kid in highschool? is this a bad thing? would it be different if i said..."am i still acting like the kid i was in high school? cuz there were drunks in highschool...n that wasnt me. do you have to be a drunk to 'act the age of 21'? are the things you do in highschool supposed to be the 'fun' things in life? or is 21 an age thats still very much so young, and doing things like playing board games, and laughing at your mom jokes are natural?


i feel incomplete. i wanna pray. but in all seriousness. i just...i just really really really miss meghan catherine inhyung oefinger. she completes me. when i feel lazy she makes me want to be more productive. when i feel old she makes me feel jussst young enough to make me feel like i'm in my prime time of my life. and the fact that i want to pray, it just means that slightly lost touch with meghan. which is more than i'd like. not having her around, and the fact that both of us are bored at home, trying to hangout with our friends whenever we can...it's just been too easy to just say "i'll talk to you tomorrow". it's just makes me wanna cry right now. why would i do something like this? i'm so sorry hun if you're reading this. from the bottom of my heart, i'm so so sorry. these words just wont do it justice. i just want to feel your presence. i just wanna hear your voice. hold your hand. give you a hug. babe i miss you.



i wish i could say this to you directly meghan but i know i wouldn't have gotten it all out if i didnt immediately get it out of me this night. ya know- the late night focus phenomenon. ok. so for all you other crazy readers. heres something not directed solely to meghan heh.


recently, once or twice at mikes house....the group of us would just talk about someone. like the usual 'he said, she said' stuff. and tonight, i thought..i wonder if people talk about me like this. i instantly thought this was a self centered, egotistical thing to be thinking. "yeah right, cuz everyone just loves to talk about you keith". but you just never know. maybe some distant friend mentions me or long lost acquaintance randomly remembers a negative trait about me, or maybe {seriously not accusing anyone} one of my alleged friends really dislikes me and talks about me all the time. maybe the next time im in a group of people doing the 'he said, she said' dance, i'll ask, what would you say behind my back about me? of course this would be like...a paradox or something cuz it'd be like obviously in front of my face. i think the initial reaction would be the thing i'd gauge though. quick answers vs hesitated answers. straight faced vs smiling. tone of voice. eye contact with me or other people. general facial expressions.




somesing like that.
amen.

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the number is lesser in value..and easier to swallow
~'would you like something to drink'
if your stomach feels weak, then my work here is done
~'the words "best friend" become redefined'
if theres no one beside you when your soul embarks, i'll follow you into the dark
~'i'll follow you into the dark'
i'll be floating out at sea, waiting for periscopes to spot my warm body
~'no ace, just you'
this is the part where i'll admit i'm getting what i deserve
~'lost and found'
lets sleep tonight on a bed of nails, so that every other night doesn't seem so painful after all
~'beter than sex'
if it were up to me, you're gone, i've been dying to get it into you somehow
~'histrionics'
hours pass, and she still counts the minutes that i am not there, i swear i didn't mean for it to feel like this
~'bruised'
wanna fuck up my life?-i'll let you.
~'knotes'
this is the rhythm i was signing to the beat of my feat as i walked away
~'i fought the broad (and the broad won)'
ur stomach's filled up but ur starved for conversation
~'soco amaretto lime'
if i could, i'd only want to make you smile
~'make you smile'
the past is only the future with the lights on
~'baby, come on'
morning always comes too quick when you're around..
~'still breathing'
i beg not to escape permeating my pores, whetting my appetite for more
~'amanda's poem about unicorns '
ur stomach's filled up but ur starved for conversation
~'soco amaretto lime'
love me gently with a chainsaw
~'tie her down'
smiles and her laughter, its the only thing that ive been waiting for
~'emily'
so many high points on this last leg, i cant wait to recount them- it seems like nothings happened until ive shared them with you
~'shirts and gloves'
ur lips, ur eyelashes- ur skin, these are the parts of ur body that cause my comatose to begin
~'all hail the heartbreaker'

lets start out-by starting over... ~'lovers and liars'

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