A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence
"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"
"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation
"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes
"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics
Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Blue Milk Special
Cigarro & Cerveja
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Eat That Toast!
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
The Intrepid Girlbot
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius
Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
The Property of Hate
Robbie and Bobby
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Strong Female Protagonist
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Yellow Peril (PG-13)
Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
The Book of Biff
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing
Meat and Plastic
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
Pictures for Sad Children
A Redtail's Dream
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
YU + ME
Pure Flash Awesomeness
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
Clients from Hell
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Monday, June 12, 2017
MY BODY WAS NOT BUILT TO WITHSTAND SUCH FLUSTER
Dentist, dad, love?
Sunday, June 11, 2017
Well, things these past few days have been going in a very different direction than I expected. I'm having fun, I'm feeling good. No appetite, but I'm generally satisfied with my weight and such. Kind of had to force myself to eat today, but at least I ate more than pure junk. Yesterday I kinda just had junk and a Clif bar. Hopefully we can go grocery shopping soon so I have things to eat. There's so much food in this house and so little I ever want to eat. Just feel like having some fruit... that seems really nice.
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow! Hopefully everything checks out okay. Hopefully they don't tell me that the freckle on my lip looks weird and I should get checked out for cancer. They seem to tell me that every other time I go.
My best memory of going to the dentist was during my senior year of high school, after we had a presentation in Physio about the horrifying things that can happen if you don't maintain good oral hygiene. It freaked me out so much that I religiously flossed for months after that, and when I went to the dentist, they told me I had "textbook healthy gums." Every time I have a dentist appointment I secretly hope they'll be proud of me for doing a good job keeping my mouth in shape, but it's never happened again. T_T
Ahhh, Jens Lekman, always so great.
"Your Arms Around Me" by Jens Lekman.
I miss my dad. He's on a bike tour and I don't know when he's getting back. His goal is to bike to Florida from California, and I don't think he's even halfway through Texas right now... In one of our last sessions, I was telling my therapist about how I was worried about my dad and how I didn't want anything bad to happen to him on his tour, and she just said "You love your dad." And I mean, yeah, I don't think I've said it since I was little, but yeah. It feels weird to say, but yeah.
It feels kind of weird to say I love people, and it has felt weird since I was a kid, but I'm opening up to it and I feel like I love my friends and stuff. I remember being 18 and feeling super distraught because I wasn't sure what love was and none of the definitions I found seemed to make any sense to me. Like, I remember something that said you know you love someone when you care about them more than you care about yourself, and I was like, "but I care about everyone more than myself, I don't like myself. Does that mean I love everyone? That doesn't seem right." Unsatisfying definition because it fluctuates based on your level of self-esteem and self-regard.
I don't really have any more to say about that at the moment, I'm just going off on tangents because it's late and I should be going to bed but for some reason I'm still up gah.
I like a boy and it's got me all flustered aaah
5.5 months [2P]
Saturday, June 10, 2017
I feel flustered
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Something of value
Sunday, June 4, 2017
"My Sentimental Melody" by The Magnetic Fields.
I live on the blue planet
That I saw in your eyes
But now I can't stay
Knowing it's made
Of beautiful lies
Love can kill people, can't it?
Well it still may kill me
Each drop of rain
Is a glass of champagne
It's sweet and it's free
When I drink I don't panic
When I drink I don't die
When I'm far gone
It's all just a song
Just beautiful lies
I met up with someone yesterday. He's a pretty interesting guy, and I enjoyed talking to him. One of the few extraverts I've met... Socializing was very easy and natural for him, and he said he'd noticed that for people who weren't naturally outgoing, it was hard for them to pick it up. I asked him where he thought I fell on that spectrum, and he said I actually seemed fairly adept at socializing, but he could tell that I had to put effort into it, whereas it came effortlessly to him.
We'd talked for awhile online before meeting up, and at one point he said something that really struck me. I told him I felt kind of bad for shopping and buying things I was only going to wear once or twice, and he responded with "Yeah but those few things that you've only worn once or twice probably looked G R E A T when you actually wore them haha this is actually an adorable and stereotypically 'feminine' quality for you to possess :P"
I guess the reason that this struck me the way it did was because I've always felt kind of guilty for liking shopping, like I'm a bad person for being materialistic at all. My last couple boyfriends had a really negative view of shopping and I didn't feel like it was something I could ever be open about or even approach in conversation with them. Talking to Juliano about it surprised me and made me feel like there are people out there who would accept that part of me and even appreciate it. After that came up in conversation, he asked me a couple different times, unprompted, if I'd bought anything new recently or done any shopping, and I showed him and it felt nice. When we hung out, he also noticed the necklace I was wearing and said he liked it, and I told him about how I only got it because it was a really good deal (under $2), and I never even really wear jewelry usually.
Compliments like the one he gave me about shopping always stay with me. I remember a long time ago, back when Xanga was still a thing (this could have been 10+ years ago now...), Gwenny wrote a post for me as a belated birthday thing. She reframed my pickiness/sensitivity as discerning taste, and said that I was picky, but that meant I picked the best food, best people, etc. I wish I could get her original wording, but Xanga has been gone for a long time. I did email her a few years ago asking if she could download her Xanga archives and send me the post, but apparently she never did. Anyway, that meant a lot to me, because my parents and other people have criticized me a lot in my life for being picky and overly sensitive. In some ways that's been a positive thing, because I've learned how to be more open to new things, but it was also really helpful for me to have some part of that validated and accepted.
It's been a pretty rare occurrence to have something about me I thought was only negative valued by someone else, but I never forget it when it happens. I'd really like to be able to pass that along to other people if I can. I think it kind of goes along with what my dad said about his friend-- that she can find a sincere compliment to give to anyone. I still want to be able to do that, but I haven't been working on it recently... Need to pick that back up.
I should really keep some kind of long term self-development to do list so I don't forget these things. >.>
I'm almost doooooooone [2P]
Thursday, June 1, 2017
Just feel like saying
Friday, May 26, 2017
Moods and friendships
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
Usually my mood noticeably improves during the spring/summer, and this year seems like no exception. I feel generally good! Like, not hugely depressed. Kind of light, with some energy. It's not every single day, but it's more days than not. This is the time of year when I'm fun and it's easy to be there for people and support them or entertain them. And it feels like it will always be that way and I've finally gotten past all the depression stuff.
But I know that's not true, of course. I mean, I've gone through this cycle a few times now, over several years. Unfortunately it seems to follow a kind of pattern where I feel good in the spring/summer, meet someone, we develop feelings for each other, and then things start to get worse in the fall as my mood drops. And then all the promises I sincerely made when I was feeling good start to fall apart. I've gotta be more careful... The last few times I thought to myself, "I'm always so cautious, I should take a risk and see if it pays off," and it didn't pay off, haha. I mean, I still learned things from those experiences, but I guess I haven't found a good midpoint between caution and risk-taking yet.
What I HAVE learned is how to identify and exit bad situations earlier. Not in an impulsive way where I have a kneejerk reaction to anything that looks "toxic" I mean, but I think a lot more about what's going on and whether it seems like healthy behavior, as well as what factors are feeding into that. In the past I would make a lot of excuses for what was going on and feel like I would stick it out until things got better, but I don't feel like I have any obligation to do that now. Things might get better in the future but I don't have to wait for that if I don't want to. I do make a distinction between taking some distance and cutting people out of my life, though. I don't think there's anybody that I've really 100% cut out of my life, but I will definitely stop putting in as much effort to maintain a friendship if I don't feel like it's going well. If the other person wants to pick up the slack and try to keep things going, that's fine. Kyle and I eventually became friends again, and I think even Trevor and I are on better terms now, although I needed about a year's worth of a break from each of them.
Not sure where I was going with this, but it got kind of rambly so I'll stop here.
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