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Memores acti prudentes futuri


You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
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Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bug
Buttersafe
ChannelATE
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Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
DUBBLEBABY
Eat That Toast!
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
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Monsterhood
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The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
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Optipess
Out There
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Powernap
The Property of Hate
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Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
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Scary Go Round
Scenes from a Multiverse
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Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy

Wilde Life
Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
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Brightest
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Bullfinch
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Chainsawsuit
Conspiracy Friends!
Daisy is Dead
Distillum
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Dumm Comics
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
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Manta-man
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Minimalism Sucks
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Moe
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Thermohalia
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Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Book group
Sunday, August 27, 2017
I really enjoyed the book group I went to today for Ethical Culture Society. Felt like I was scratching an itch for intellectual discussion. Prior to going, I felt slightly apprehensive because I was wondering if it was going to be more intellectual than I've been used to for awhile, as I really haven't had much in the way of in-depth intelligent conversation recently, but thankfully it wasn't like that. The discussion was very approachable, and I didn't feel out of my league even though everybody else there was probably around 20 or more years older than me. It was a small group, so everyone got a chance to talk.

It's hard to find people whom I can be both intellectual and silly with. I feel that I generally have to pick one or the other and stick with it. So, some people experience me as being pretty serious and thoughtful, and other people... not so much.

Didn't go to the gym today... It's been terribly hot the past couple days, and the heat is sapping my energy. I fell asleep after I got back from the book group, but woke up a few hours later because it was getting too warm in my room. I'm going to the gym tomorrow though for sure. Thinking maybe eating more will help with the lightheadedness. In better news, I don't seem to be getting exercise-induced rhinitis anymore, so yay! That was one of the things really putting me off running before. Getting sneezing fits after running was so annoying.

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Hasty generalization
Saturday, August 26, 2017
I went to the gym today.

1.75 mi (9:31 minute pace, lvl 1 incline), walked 0.25.
Squats (on Bosu, then off with weights), planks (60 sec, 2x), burpees w/ Bosu, tricep extensions, lat pull downs.

I don't know why, but I felt really just like... mentally exhausted after running, so I was doing everything else kind of slowly. Probably could have kept running but was getting a bit lightheaded so decided to stop and do other things. I had to keep stopping between exercises to just slowly walk around to try to get rid of the lightheadedness. >_>

---

Anyway, while I was running, I was thinking about hasty generalization, which is basically just jumping to conclusions before you have enough information. I've put in effort to not do this so much anymore, but it does sometimes manifest in small, subtle ways.

I don't know if anybody except for Kyle really remembers what I was like as a teenager, but I was pretty moody, irrational, and cynical. To some extent that's just typical for that age (teen angst!), but I have put in specific work to move away from how I was back then. I know Kyle and I had a number of arguments where I got emotional and upset and couldn't effectively argue my points, because... I didn't have points. I had feelings. It's nearly senseless to try to argue with someone who's coming from a position of emotionality, because they're unlikely to be able to absorb what you're saying. You have to take the time to calm them down first and then calmly lay out your argument clearly while explaining where you're coming from. Of course, as teenagers, Kyle and I didn't know this, so we just ended up frustrating each other on a few occasions.

When I'm in a negative highly emotional state I'm more susceptible to making hasty generalizations. This usually takes the form of "this is what I've encountered, so this is all there is." I feel like there's some more specific term for this but I can't for the life of me remember what it is. It's kind of a sampling bias, I suppose? Undue extrapolation based on a limited data set.

Examples of this include:
-Thinking that the only times people think of me are the ones they tell me about
-Thinking that because I've had lame relationships in the past, I'll only have lame relationships in the future (though this line of thought is countered by the uniformity of nature part of the problem of induction somewhat)

There's some negativity bias thrown in there as well, e.g. if I have 10 positive interactions with someone and 4 negative ones, it's easier to remember the negative interactions and fear the person won't like me anymore based on those. Unfortunately this one isn't contained to me; it's possible that the other person's negative memories will be more salient, which really would affect their feelings towards me.

Ways I try to counter this tendency:
-Reminding myself that there's always more to things than I'm seeing
-Holding conclusions very loosely, if at all, until I can get more direct confirmation
-Pushing myself to be open to the unexpected
-Paying extra attention to positive moments (though not at the expense of negative ones; I don't want the bias to swing in the other way)

Gotta have that extra voice in my head reminding me to be reasonable and not rush to action over limited data. I'm pretty cautious and prefer to wait to make decisions as much as possible, but in the heat of the moment those jumping-to-conclusions thoughts still come. At that point I just try to hold them back from affecting my behavior. Even if I can't stop their automatic generation all the time, I can still keep them contained, which I think is important.

---

An old favorite song from an old favorite band that came up on iTunes just now.

"I Concentrate On You" by Splitsville.

Words I write down in black and white
Still cannot describe how I feel
My mind's on fire, locked in overdrive
And there's only you at the wheel

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Cognitive biases [4P]
Friday, August 25, 2017
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Filler
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Ran 1 mile (lvl 1 incline, 0.8 at 9:40 min pace, 0.2 at 8 min pace), did Turbo Kick, ran another mile (lvl 1 incline, 0.6 at 9:13 min pace, 0.4 at 7:53 min pace).

There's a lot I'm thinking about, and stuff I want to write, but it's 4:30 AM and I think now is not the time. I'll get around to it later.

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What will they say when I'm dead? [4P]
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
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Annoying overreactions
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
Had kind of a weird sensitive emotional day. It was kind of frustrating, because I kept feeling all these things and then reacting to stuff in what felt like an overly reactive way, and the part of me that usually tries to keep things steady felt like it was behind bars and just had to watch as the rest of me went on an emotional rampage. Like my voice of reason was trying to calm things down but couldn't reach, so I just had this tiny observational voice in my head going "wtf wtf wtf no no stop."

I kept doing things and saying things that I knew were obviously irrational or like... not constructive, and in the instant after they came out I was like "aaagh no why" but it kept happening... and I felt frustrated because I could see all my mistakes and where I was going wrong and what I should have avoided but I couldn't seem to get those feels under control. The friend I was talking to was nice about it but I still felt pretty terrible about it, since I'd normally do a better job of handling things.

Felt like if you were trying to make Thanksgiving dinner and you're just watching from behind your eyes like your body is a prison and it's burning the turkey and you're going "NO NO OH GOD TAKE THE TURKEY OUT" but your hands won't cooperate, and then you get control back as soon as the oven door opens and you can see the black turkey that you now have to serve to everyone.

---

In more positive news, I reconnected with my friend Noah today... Have kinda been catching up with him a little, although he's not too quick to respond since he's on mobile. He said he was glad that I messaged him and that he missed me, and that felt really nice. It's like, I care about this person and I want to know what's going on with him, and it feels good that it's not a completely asymmetrical thing. He asked what kind of music I've been listening to though, and I linked him a bunch of songs I liked and he wasn't into most of them, haha.

[11:02:45 PM] Noah: Dude I finished your Playlist those were some really mellow emo songs lol
[11:03:08 PM] Me: Haha, mellow in a good way?
[11:03:31 PM] Noah: No lol
[11:03:49 PM] Me: Aw

I asked him if he'd been making music, because in the past he sent me some songs he was working on and I liked them, but he hasn't shared anything with me (yet? Fingers crossed). I legitimately like his music and was listening to his demos a bunch earlier, so I hope he does send me more stuff.

---

Oh, and the biggest positive surprise of the day was a package that came in the mail... My mom was like "did you order something?" and I was like "No?" and opened it and... it was bird pajamas... With the note "You can't be sad if you're in bird pajamas!" There was no indication as to who sent it, but I heavily suspected that it came from Kyle (spoiler: it did). It was a silly gift and it made me smile. Now I have some warmer pajamas for winter... It's really nice to get these surprise presents from him. If it was just random stuff then it wouldn't mean that much to me, but he generally picks things pretty intentionally, so I get things like flannel sheets (my favorite!) and boxes of Goldfish (also my favorite!) which I really appreciate.

Anyway... I've been feeling pretty exhausted from all the emotional stuff, and I felt like I needed to sleep around five hours ago, but that was too early, so I just stayed up. I think it's late enough to go to sleep now, though.

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I should probably go to the gym daily [2P]
Monday, August 21, 2017
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Was only temporary... [2P]
Monday, August 21, 2017
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