A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence
"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"
"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation
"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes
"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics
Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Blue Milk Special
Cigarro & Cerveja
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Eat That Toast!
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
The Intrepid Girlbot
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius
Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
The Property of Hate
Robbie and Bobby
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Strong Female Protagonist
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Yellow Peril (PG-13)
Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
The Book of Biff
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing
Meat and Plastic
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
Pictures for Sad Children
A Redtail's Dream
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
YU + ME
Pure Flash Awesomeness
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
Clients from Hell
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
I'm back from Australia (by which I mean, I'm in Hawaii again). I actually missed my flight on Friday morning, which was briefly pretty stressful. Got the time zones mixed up because of Google Calendar... Rebooked for the next day for $75. I had to call my uncle to pick me up from the airport, and we ran a couple errands before going home. My uncle was very understanding about it and told me not to feel bad, but my mom started lecturing me on how I needed to be more careful and that my mistakes were affecting everyone around me. She has a knack for bad timing, so she basically started lecturing me as soon as I got home, which wasn't that long after everything happened at the airport. I already felt bad about it, and she just made it worse. It was whatever though... I told her I didn't need a lecture, and she was like "I'm not lecturing you"... as she proceeded to lecture me. -__- She's done this more times than I can count, and I knew it was only going to escalate if I stayed, so I just went to my room and stayed in there for most of the rest of the day to avoid her. Didn't need things to turn into a heated discussion of how selfish and careless she thinks I am.
Honestly, I don't really have much to say about Australia. I feel like I should, but I just... don't. It was cool seeing how it differed from the US in various ways, but I felt a bit nervous the whole time I was there. Good ol' anxiety at work. For most of my stay, Becka and Joel bought/provided food for me, which was a relief, since I kept feeling anxious about trying to pay for myself and whether there would be any complications around that. I guess it's actually pretty straightforward and you can just use your credit card like normal, but I think the unfamiliarity of it was stressful for me. I'm not sure what it is about foreign money that's so... anxiety-provoking for me, but I bought almost nothing while I was there.
It feels like my anxiety levels have been increasing over the past few years. In a way, it feels like being in high school again? Although back then I just thought of it as shyness, not anxiety. It's been feeling harder to do new things than it used to, which seems... counterintuitive? I mean, it's easier to do certain things, like meet new people, but it's harder to do new-new things, I guess? Flying internationally for the first time by myself was stressful, though I got through it without too much trouble.
Feeling kind of unsteady, unsettled about things. Too much uncertainty about the future. There's always going to be some amount of uncertainty and ambiguity about life, yeah, but at the moment I feel there's too much, and I wish things were more defined.
Spotify suggested this to me. Getting pretty annoyed with hearing the same three ads on Spotify over and over again, but sometimes it does an alright job recommending new music to me.
"Who Loves the Sun" by The Velvet Underground.
I'm feeling really socially drained. I haven't had a solid chunk of alone time in awhile and the effects are noticeable. Sometimes when I'm feeling pretty social and enjoying the company of others, I forget that this can happen, and I wonder why I ever think I need to be alone, but... yeah. Still looking forward to seeing the guy I like soon though, before he... leaves... for months... At least we'll get some time together, I guess. Talking to him isn't draining, which is really nice.
Incorrigible filth [DP]
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Hiked today [2P]
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Too tired to upload pictures
Thursday, July 6, 2017
I can't remember if I've posted this song or if I just used lyrics from it as a header before. It's been playing in my head tonight.
"Tarantula" by Smashing Pumpkins.
Esther and I went kayaking today with my mom and my uncle's friend, who owns the kayaks and a waterfront property. We were out on the water for about two hours, and my shorts got pretty soaked... I realized afterwards that there were holes in the kayak right next to the seats (Esther and I were in a two person one), so the water was splashing up onto me. We kayaked over to an ancient Hawaiian fishing pond and walked along the wall, then climbed up onto some kind of signal tower or something... I suspect we weren't really supposed to, but there weren't any signs saying "do not climb" and the ladder wasn't blocked off... so... yeah. Esther and I just walked up to it and were half-jokingly talking about climbing up it... and then... we actually did it... I went first, and I only had slippers on so I just took them off since I thought my bare feet might have more grip. As it turns out, wet bare feet on thin steel rods don't feel great, nor do they have much grip. Still, I made it to the top, and then fought off anxiety as the tower gently swayed in the wind. Esther followed me up, and then my uncle's friend came up too. We got a few pictures and then went back down, because it was terrifying being up so high.
After kayaking we got a tour of my uncle's friend's house, which was cool. His house isn't completely finished yet, but it's very big and very nice. Esther had lots of questions about it, but I mostly enjoyed just looking at everything. Must be nice to be that rich. He gave us Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, which was great after being outside kayaking. Very nice guy. I lost the lens cover to my camera, though. :\ I don't know if I lost it kayaking or in his house or what. Hopefully my lens doesn't get scratched up. If it does, though, I kinda needed a new camera anyway... This one seems like it's really reaching the end of its lifespan. It still works, but... not 100% of the time.
We had a late lunch from one of the copycats of Giovanni's shrimp truck. Despite it not actually being normal lunch time, Giovanni's had an obscenely long line, so we just went somewhere else. It tasted basically the same anyway, from what they told me. I just got garlic rice because I'm not that into shrimp. My uncle wanted to go eat our food in the fancy McDonald's next to the Polynesian Cultural Center because it had a waterfall and stuff inside, but we found out that they knocked that McDonald's down to build a hotel or something and just built a normal small McDonald's nearby instead. We still ate inside (and got drinks from McDonald's to justify our presence there), but it was nothing spectacular.
At some point I just started feeling really tired and wanted alone time. I felt kind of bad for wanting alone time when I'm hosting a friend, but like... I just didn't have the drive to hang out more at that point. Still had a Skype call with friends and talked to Fro on the phone a bit (if it's just the two of us it makes more sense, since the connection is better), and that was fine. I think it's just the in-person part that gets really draining.
Got to talk to the guy I like today, which made me happy. I guess he wasn't feeling great, but I was just glad to talk to him at all.
Today was calmer
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
"Up & Down" by Richard Dinsdale.
All these ups and downs... I feel better today than I did last night, which isn't saying much. Talked to my mom about changing my plans and she was fine with it.
There were some positive things yesterday I didn't really mention. For one, I made my uncle really happy when I mentioned that I'd taken his investing advice and had made a profit. He thought I had just been kind of humoring him or something, I guess. Anyway, he talked to me more about that and about the possibility of supplementing my (future) income nicely with some solid investments. I've said this a bunch of times, but I'd really like to get better at investing, haha...
Uncle: If you get good enough at investing, you can date whoever you want instead of marrying some rich old ugly guy! Then people will be marrying you for YOUR money!
Me: Oh... oh boy...!
I also mentioned to him that I'd been thinking about the possibility that I'll have to help manage renting out my grandparents' old house in Hawaii once my uncle gets older. He's planning on living in like the Philippines or something for a chunk of the year when he's old, and someone will need to manage the property. I might have to fly to Hawaii kind of frequently to do that, though, just to take care of problems and stuff. I wonder if once a quarter would be enough? I don't want to live in Hawaii, but I do want to help out with family matters. Would also be nice to have some extra income from that. And I just need to learn how to do these things sooner rather than later.
Today was pretty laid back, didn't do much for 4th of July. Got to talk to Fro on the phone for three hours! That was fun. I'm looking forward to hanging out with her more when I get back home.
My friend Esther is coming here tomorrow! I'm not sure what to show her first... Maybe we'll take her to get shave ice, or go to Chinatown or something. There's a weird ice cream place somewhere in Chinatown here that sells flavors like Cheezus, which... as far as I can tell from Instagram... is Cheez-It flavor ice cream. -Hurk- Anyway, I'm sure we'll find stuff to do. I know she wants to go kayaking, at least.
Am looking forward to... talking with the guy I like again. :P The past few days went surprisingly fast actually, but I still felt a little antsy over the lack of contact we had.
I didn't think that through [4P]
Monday, July 3, 2017
I'm still up :|
Sunday, July 2, 2017
"No Sunlight" by Death Cab for Cutie.
I heard this in a store today.
Got up early to go to the beach today with my mom. I just walked around on the sand while she swam with a friend. There was a Hawaiian monk seal at one end of the beach with her pup, and that area was roped off so people wouldn't get too close, but there were a lot of people at the boundary just watching the seal, and volunteers there to educate people and answer their questions about monk seals. The monk seals are protected, so I guess they get special treatment.
I don't really feel like I have much to say at the moment. Just listening to music and imagining people moving to it. Maybe it's from watching so many music videos over the years, but I feel like I always imagine some kind of scene when I listen to any music that actually engages me on any level. There's some feeling or some imagery, and it's vivid and it feels meaningful somehow. Sometimes I describe these things to people, and I feel like the reaction they have to it is an indicator to me of how we mesh.
Writing is hard right now. It's pretty late, and I'm kind of at that point in the night where I can't really remember anything good that's ever happened to me and it's like my whole life has just been this one moment and nothing else has ever existed and this is everything, the darkness and the quiet and the solitude. I really shouldn't stay up late so much, I know how it affects me and it's rarely good. It's hard today, though... Since I got up so early, I ended up taking a long nap in the afternoon, during which I had a really intense nightmare. Since then I haven't really been tired enough to sleep more, which is unfortunate since I have to go to the beach again in the morning. In... like.. five hours. Oh frabjous day.
...Instead of sleeping I ended up watching this Jan Svankmajer film called "Jabberwocky", which was oddly soothing in a way. It's not nightmare fuel like his version of Alice in Wonderland, which was kind of nice. I think I felt mildly traumatized after watching that one...
Figuring out new things
Friday, June 30, 2017
The next few days are going to be so long...
Kyle graciously informed me that I should alert my bank as to my Australia trip plans. I guess this would have been an obvious thing to some people, but I've never traveled on my own like this before, and I haven't been out of the country since I had my own debit/credit cards, so... yeah. I didn't think to do it until he told me. Thank you Kyle!
I went with my uncle and mom and visited the house my grandparents used to live in in Kaimuki today. My uncle has been remodeling it for a few years, but I think it's getting close to being done... Last year my dad flew over to do all the electrical wiring, which was a major part of the renovations. I guess the plan is to rent it out once it's finished. My grandpa built that house, and while it's not very big by modern standards, it's certainly livable, and I think it will be easy to find people who want to live there. Since my Uncle Reuben is the one who lives closest to it, I'm guessing he'll probably be managing the property mainly, but I wonder if I'll have to assume responsibility for it at some point. My parents and other relatives in that generation are all getting older, and I think I'll have to take over for certain things eventually. It's probably a ways off, but I hope they think to prepare me for things before then...
There's so much I don't know how to do in life, and I need to learn how to do it. Maybe it's an anxiety thing, but I can never figure out how other people just DO things without getting paralyzed over how to do them. I'm getting better at doing stuff and not pausing to think too much about it, but it's still something I definitely struggle with, and I know I let opportunities pass me by because I'm too hesitant. Just gotta keep trying I guess.
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