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Codependency
Thursday. 12.12.19 10:39 am
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No more social media
Tuesday. 12.10.19 3:15 pm
I am taking a break from social media. Why? So many reasons.

The first reason is my social anxiety I have been having. As an extrovert, I like to meet new people, or spend time with other. But I find myself after the fact of hanging out with people that I may have done or said something wrong. I think "do they still like me?" I know it all comes down to fear of rejection and being unwanted. I can go into what caused it, but that doesn't help me get better at this time. Choosing whats right for me is better at this time. And I think deleting social media will help me realize...people are imperfect. We are all human. And I seem to forget that when scrolling through social media.

Second reason is because I was averaging 3-4hrs on social media. Not even really talking to anyone, or interacting. Not posting either. Just mindlessly scrolling through the dance videos, the funny ones, the nutritional health, and the yogis and body positive people. Also the makeup, and the perfect models, and the constant designer handbags and shoes in my feed. It took up so much of my time. And I want that time back to do more positive things in my life.

_____________________________

Back to that fear of rejection. I realize I've been holding myself back from many things for fear of failure and rejection. I haven't developed myself at work unless it was easy. I haven't left my job, because it's easier to stay. But I do long for more. I'm getting burnt out as a bedside nurse. I know I have the heart for people, and to assist in life changes ways. I know I can change the world, one person at a time. Nursing...can be a thankless job. And it can also be a violent one. I have had patients yell at me, imply I am inadequate or dumb as well. I've also had family give me thank you cards, and hugs from people who's lives I have touched. It's like I have forgotten all the good things I went into nursing for. I want to get back to the heart of it all: To help people emotional, physically, and spiritually. That has always been my goal. My spirit has been so shot though from the 5 years of being in this tough field.

With all that said, I am done believing the story I have been telling myself. That i'm not enough, or that I am "just a medical surgical nurse". I also realize I am not stuck at the job I have right now. There is always room to grow. I am more. I am a healer with a compassionate heart. There is always a lot more to learn. There is also room to be a better person. And I am ready to move into that space.

I have decided to make a 3 year plan. This year is all about getting my promotion. I am working towards getting a 5% raise, and becoming somewhat of a leader for my unit. My unit is a tough one, but I plan to implement somethings to improve it. I plan to start a self care and supportive staff team, where we take time to listen and care for the nurses who have suffered loss or trauma. This will be my project.

Also with this promotion, I plan to do bridge to excellence. I want to use my professional leave to see how the neuroscience intensive care unit runs and functions. I don't know if this is something I'd want to get into, but I'd love to try.

After my promotion, I plan to find a new job eventually. I want to go to day shift and finally fix my sleep schedule. Maybe i'll start on day shift just at my job now. But I know that I can't stay on nights forever. Not for my mental health.

Lastly...that 3rd year....I want to go back to school. I want to get my masters in education, but I also can imagine myself being a Clinical Nurse Specialist for palliative care. These are 2 things I can see myself getting into. Hell, maybe one day i can do both. But right now...this. This is what I want for myself.

It's crazy what one day without social media can do for me. And I am proud to say I am honestly exciting for what my professional future holds.

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