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Tomorrow, tomorrow. is there always tomorrow?
Thursday. 9.1.11 10:14 am
After seven long months of a game of cat and mouse, the inevitable has finally fallen into my lap. I'm getting surgery tomorrow at 7:30 am and I couldn't be more nervous. To make the matter worse, my surgeon had to come in and rattle off a long list of risks.
The top concern? Death.
I understand it's not open heart surgery, but it's not as simple as an appendectomy, either. I just feel that with my luck over the past few years that one of these things on the doc's registry of deadly side effects may just happen to me. Now I know a lot of the things in my past are my fault and there are many, many things I regret. And if you know me, you know what that is and I don't think i can ever forgive myself for that.. I'm not sure if I believe in karma or something along the lines of that, but it does seem possible. My over all mentality has been declining for a while now, and my health just seems to be going with it. I guess there's no reason to really say "goodbye" because any day/minute/second could be your last, and if you lived your life that way, you'd never say "hello" again.. but I wish somethings were different... just in case. I can't believe that's all that was going through my head when my surgeon was telling me this, after all these years. It's quite sad really, but I just don't think anyone will ever really understand. It's not an obsession, or undying devotion, but more of a union.. a feeling of completion... and without it, i feel empty, a lackluster shell without any kind of spark. I've really been thinking about how much I probably need to see a psychiatrist before this whole thing, and I'm pretty certain that after tomorrow I will definitely need to or I may just fall apart completely. I'm wasting my life and my overall emotions.
Good luck tomorrow, You'll need it.

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If the world were to end tomorrow
Saturday. 8.13.11 10:19 pm
What would you do today?

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my turn to ask a question.
Thursday. 7.28.11 3:45 pm
if the world was burning, and you could pick one song to watch it burn to, what would that song be?

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ask me ANYTHING. i'm an open book.
Sunday. 7.10.11 2:27 pm
so, ask me anything and i'll answer your questions honestly and to my full extent. since they have me on a ton of painkillers i've really become an open book and I can't shut my mouth. i may be embarrassed to answer some questions but i think this may be a therapeutic experience for me and i need anything to help cleanse my spirit, i'm feeling really down lately. so, let the questionnaire begin.

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Is there anybody out there?
Friday. 7.8.11 4:45 pm
I was just released from the hospital for the sixth time this year so it's kept me from being too active around here. I'd like that to change but it's hard when i feel like no one is really listening. I'd like to build a few meaningful friendships but that's asking acquire quite a bit through my writings alone.

In other news, I've been gettin' the run around from my doctors because they can't get to the root of my problem. I have Crohn's Disease and I have for nearly 9 years now and it's starting to get out of control. Fistulas, abscesses and sinus tracts aside, the hospital stays and constant infections have taken a toll on my mentally, let alone physically. And with surgery about to become unavoidable once my week supply of dilaudid runs out, I'm feeling really anxious, lost and scared. The infections are 'cured' when i'm discharged from the hospital, but between a week to a month later, I'm right back in there with more problems. Hopefully the fine specialists at Hershey Medical can knock out the problem without cutting out a good sized chunk of my intestinal tract. If it does come down to it, I think I may need more than physical therapy to recover. Once you get surgery on your abdomen, it's said to be "all down hill" from there. Losing more and more intestines is most inevitable after the first surgery. Going through this alone just makes it that much harder. Yes, I have friends and family to depend on, but that's not the same as a significant other to fully open up to and lean on and get that feeling of warmth and comfort.
i miss her.

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what i'm watchin' this minute.
Sunday. 1.16.11 4:38 am

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