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Sumin Sumin Bout Me

Age. 33
Gender. Female
Ethnicity. White
Location Gillett, PA
School. Other
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Awesome night
Sunday, May 1, 2005
That the most awesome dance. It was better than prm even. There was sooo much drama at prom, like my friend (well she isnt anymore) left..in the middle of the thing because she wanted to go hang out with this guy (of course), so that just dragged everyone down, and plus I was called a whore. Which I was called a whore at this one, but it was by people that I dont care if they call me a whore..my friends. That really pissed me off when that girl left though because my mom spent so much time on her hair, and my mom coulda been doing my hair instead of hers and I would have liked that. My grandma did an awesome job, just my mom likes doing my hair and I think she felt kinda sad because she didnt do mine. She stayed for an hair, as much as my mom did hers, she shoulda stayed more than an hour, but she wanted to be a party poooper and leave..but the rest of us had fun without her. Lol! It was a good time, it took away the drama, and just made it more fun for the rest of us. There was no drama at this dance, well not with me anyways! I had fun, and danced the whole time. The food wasnt that fantastic, but it was sooo much fun! I love my friends. :) I really do! I wish Tabby came though because she would have had sooooooooooo much fun! I love Tabby and Im glad Im still really good friends with her because we had so much fun at Tom's house. omg...I loved it! My Jennfurr came with me to the dance, and that made it even more fun because I danced with her and Pam the whole night! Omg...I loved it! Asti and Britt were so much fun too! I love those girls, omg, I just love everyone and Im going to miss you all sooooo much. Im glad I have good friends like all of you, that are mean to me but love me at the sametime and just want the best for me. :):):) It must suck having no friends. I feel bad for those people but they can be my friend. Then you have friends that pretend to be your friend but they talk about you behind your back. Ive had a couple of them, probably still do but I dont care. :) hehe! I think I have to take Heather over to Ben's housey...nope, maybe not! Im still really tired and Ive slept like all day. All those who didnt come yesterday, missed out on sucha good time. But all those that didnt come probably would have been a drag and I dont like looking at people who just sit there the whole friggin time. Anyhoo....Im gonna go I think. I didnt really get to hang with Skyler today because I like slept the whole time but if I did see him, I probably would have slept the whole time and that is no fun. Hmm, I need another morning...:) Im gonna go..peace out

listening to: My Chemical Romance: Helena
mood: Sleepy

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"My Tears Are Hungry......"
Friday, April 29, 2005
"Ill be waiting, and Ill be watching, under a full moon, a taste of heaven, it only happens, once in a blue moon.."

Ive seriously have asked myself in the last few days what have I done to deserve someone like Skyler. Im serious.. And a lot of you might not believe him, but it is pretty special when someone says to you, I love you so much and you have changed me so much. Well, what the hell do you do then. Sometimes, I love him, and sometimes I dont. When Im with him, it is just him and me, and like...I enjoy being there and spending part of the morning there with him because Ill never friggin see him. And then Im at school, and I get called a whore because Im just using him for sex, which by the way we havent even done, and that I can do so much better. If you friggin people knew half of it. Im serious, and some people just tell me that Im using him for the affection that he is giving me. Thank you, sometimes I feel that way myself...Im only sure of myself when Im with him, and when Im not..it's like..what the hell are you doing Jillian. I dont want to hurt him at all..Skyler I really dont. I guess, its just hard to talk about it with someone when you are not face to face, but easily I can say how I feel on here. Im just confused I guess. I have 20 days left of school, then what? Will I ever see him again? Ill be on the senior trip, and I wont see him them. Sorry sweetie, but Im not waking up early in the morning to come see you. Its not that I dont want too, Im just pure lazy and tired. I cant sleep anymore, and Im just up all night tossing and turning because its just..not enough time. Yeah, I wish you would have said something a little sooner, and this would have been so much better. Apart of me really does love you Skyler, but the other part of me, is so scared that Im going to hurt you, that youll never talk to me again, and that.....youll go back to a life that you are SOOO much better than. Im serious..you have so much to live for, so much to die for, and so much that you can do if you just...did it! You have two jobs, people that love you, and a future waiting for you beyond those high school doors. You can make something of yourself, and you can do it. I know you can! I have so much faith in you. I dont want to leave now because all I want to do is just spend more time with you and see if this was really meant to be. Sometimes, I think I should break up with him, other times....I know what we are suppose to be together. How can I break up with him when he is asking me not too, hoping to God that Im not... and it seems like I have this friggin problem every fucking time. AND ITS ALL YOUR FAULT ****! My mind is just more complicated than my heart... I need to stop thinking and just live.....I dunno. No one take offense to this, I just need to get this off my chest. Im sorry Skyler, and dont get hurt by this by any means...you wanted to know how I feel, but yet, I dont even fucking know how I feel. Ill talk to you whenever I can over the weekend and such. I love you...and that is all that matters right now. We'll figure it out, and everything will work out the way it is suppose too. Right? Right...Peace everyone...

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Thursday, April 28, 2005
Wow, I was being really lazy and just pushing tab, but then I decided it was probably just as easy to click in the friggin box. Why would you care to hear about that...I dont know, but its my flippin journal so leave if ya dont like it..punks! Im in a really shitty mood for some reason. Well, I actuall know why, I just dont want to talk about it. I have something really good going on in my life, and everyone is questioning me about it and says I can do better, and Im just like, if you friggin knew me at all, you'd know that I dont even deserve him. Im not the quiet little blonde haired, blue eyed, girl that everyone knew and loved so much when we were little. Ive got a lot of hate, and like...mean stuff in me. I just let hardly anyone see it. I dont really think that anyone knows that Im going through something really hard right now, that sometimes, it just leaves me awake at night with tears in my eyes. Ohhh I can make a poem outta that. Lets see..

I crawled out from the shadows
A place that I loves so much
Branched out from the depression
That feeling that never goes away

I finally said, that Ill be alright
That Id give up on him
And move on with my life
So I did

I went to a few places
And I drank myself away
Gave away all I believed in
And began this new life

It started out as a friendship
Ended up more than just that
Now were together
And its a little confusing like that

People who question me
Call me a whore and a cheat
Im saying fuck you..
And get the fuck off from me

My life is too complicated
And my mind and heart are beaten
It seems we have all these problems
That cant be deated

And as I lay awake at night
With the tears in my eyes
I think, what did I get into
And why should I deserve him

yeah it sucks...Sorry Skyler if that hurts you at all. It shouldnt, I just dont want you to be hurt. I really need to talk to you about this myself though. Life for me is so confusing, and I dont know what to do and you have no idea. I guess, I just really need to talk to you..yeah thats about it. Yeah...*sighs* Before this gets any worse. Im out..peace

I enjoy the mornings...

mood: Frustrated
listening to: Three Doors Down: Let Me Go

and btw..to some people..stop being jealous b/c its not you aight? Late

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Another lost......but no more
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Nobody KNOWS how fucking pissed off I am about this whole fucking game against Wyalusing. Friggin wanna, kill someone. Well no, I dont wanna kill anyone, Im just really mad. The ump called my last strike when it was about to hit me in the fucking knee. Friggin hell, they shouldnt let old guys be umpires I swear to God. I almost lost my goddamn knee, and I wasnt going to stand there and let it hit me and like, hurt me knee so I cant do shit with it. Friggin fucking, stupid..UGH! I came off the field and Im like, I didnt know getting almost fucking hit in the knee was considered a strike! Then when Allie was up, she swang for a low one, and Im like, its okay kid you have to swing down there anyways because they are friggin strikes if you dont. He just looked at me. Whatever, defensivly, we did really good and I played first tonight. I was happy! :) I also talked to Doug's mom! Yeah buddy! I love that woman I swear..I miss her so muches! Sometime, Im just going to drop by and talk to her for awhile. Next time we see them, they are going to be crying b/c they lost on their field. I know one of the girls on the team, and I felt kinda bad like, cheering against her, because I was doing some pretty mean stuff, but its the name of the game and they were doing it right back. Anyways....*sighs* Life..so confusing. Im out for now...Peace mood: Cranky listening to: Pink Floyd: Wish You Were Here

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Monday, April 25, 2005
I feel icky and nasty from softball practice still. Of course, there is no flipping way that Im going to actually take a shower. Are you kidding me? PCHT! Im too tired for that shit. lol Hmm..well. Im not really doing much right now besides talking to Skyler and Tabby! Hehehe! I like this new idea of .... this relationship that I have going on. I was kinda scared in the beginning, even though it is still the beginning, but Im warming up to it. Skyler is just, so sweet, and cute, and..ugh...says all these great things. He makes me smile and has opened my heart really, to this feeling I havent felt in soooo long. It feels gooooood! Hehe..

Take my hand
And walk down this path
In the moonlight we are together
So careless and free

With exchange of laughter
Some warm embrace
Suddenly were on the hilltop
Dancing wildly into the night

We both stumble
And fall to the ground
Laying besides each other
Not a word was found

Glancing at each other
From the corner of our eyes
We're looking at each other
A new feeling has arrived

Slowly moving closer together
Hip besides hip
We lean into each other
And embrace with a soft kiss

Could this be luck
That you are here besides my side tonight
Or is it just fate
And you were meant to be here the whole time

wow...lol, my poems seem to get worse no matter how many people say they are good. You are your worest critic I guess. Anyways..Im going to pop down and do some more laundry then hop off to bed and figureout what is going on in my life.

mood: Happy!

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Sunday, April 24, 2005
*growls* I have a problem, but Im not...willing to talk about it on here because there is no reason why I should be like.."jealous" but I kinda am. I hate this feeling, but it will go away, Im sure. Anyways, now that Ive caught your attention. My ear friggin HURTS! It popped, or it wont pop, and it just hurts. I hate being sick, and Ive said that like everytime I write in here. The good things about journals is, I like to write in them for awhile, but after like a month or so, I get busy and bored, and I just dont want to do it anymore. I dunno, I might stick around and play with it more. Who knows! I have to figure out how to get my friends under my friends list. So if anyone reads this and wants to tell me how to do it...Id really like that. Anyways..
Another day tomorrow. Yeehaw, but it will be monday and I can see my friends, and Skyler..and just get my games and school over with and itll be great because next friday, Ill only have twenty days left of school..AND saturday is the senior dinner dance. Rock the fuck on! Anyways..Im out..Peace

Kiss me once for hello
Kiss me again for goodbye
This is the last time that Ill
Kiss your lips for awhile

Hug me once to show you care
Hug me again for a little longer
This is the last time Ill hold you
Yeah, Ill hold you for awhile

So unexpected you came to me
Saying to me everything you mean
How you feel inside and what is true
Im lucky to have you

^^^ ewwwww I hate my poems..haha

listening to: Ryan Cabrera: True
mood: Sad...but Im Happy

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