Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Let me tell you about chocolate. Chocolate rests at the peak of human achievement, next to blow-darts, confetti, and snow. (It's cold up there on the peak of human achievement.) But it's not cold enough for the chocolate to stay solid in your hand. It never is. This is due to the low melting point of mercury, which, we often forget, is the chief ingredient of chocolate.
Chocolate is also made of beans, which puts it in the same category as tofu, burritos, and beanbag chairs. Only one of those is inedible (tofu). Beans were previously used by the Anglo-Saxon tribes as currency, which they later converted into chocolate, then chocolate bars, then gold-wrapped chocolate coins, and then, of course, gold coins. The rest is history. But where did the chocolate go, you ask?
The something-or-other of Anglo-Saxia ordered that all chocolate be dispatched from English shores after having caused The Black Death (i.e., Death by Chocolate). It also caused Communism, the Holocaust, and the Vietnam War, during which American troops sought cocoa in the dangerous jungles of a mysterious, nameless, forgotten land. But hooah! they found it! Now, every year, millions chocolate bunnies fall victim to senseless hoarding, brutality, and, ultimately, slaughter at the ravenous, jagged teeth of the babies those very soldiers tried so hard to kill.
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Saturday, May 5, 2007
To celebrate Cinco de Mayo, I figured I'd criticize a segment of the Mexican food industry. Taco Bell has no idea what it's doing. With its uncompromising marketing ploys, Taco Bell is soiling what I assume are thousands of years of Mexican cultural history.
The taquito is a mainstay of Mexican cuisine. Usually bagged and frozen to be sold in bulk at supermarkets, the taquito represents true Mexican entrepreneurship. These small, greasy, but crunchy delights are yet another repackaging of the tried and true Mexican recipe: beef and tortilla. Taquitos naturally fall under the Taco phylum of the Mexican culinary taxonomy, featuring meat contained within a hard tortilla shell (albeit rolled tight like a Cuban cigar and not left open like a border gate).
So where did Taco Bell go wrong? A relatively recent special item of theirs was the so called "taquito" combo, in which two small burritos were marketed under the name of the famous, traditional Mexican food item.
What's wrong, Taco Bell? Ordered too many burritos from your sweatshops and had trouble selling them all? Taco Bell's theft of the "taquito" name for their greedy purposes is a testament to the damage that capitalism inflicts on tradition, honor, and decency. Even worse is the fact that uneducated consumer whores now think that what Taco Bell sold were actually taquitos, when in reality they were nothing more than miniature burritos. Based on my educated understanding of the Mexican language, if a taquito is a miniature taco, then these can only be dubbed "burrito-itos." The resemblance is unmistakable:
Taco Bell, I demand that you remove this fraudulent product from your menu, or face the facts and rename it the "burrito-ito."
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The Mooninite Scare (Aqua-Gate)
Sunday, February 4, 2007
On the morning of January 31, 2007, a heinous act of terrorism takes place. The location is Boston, Massachusetts, where hired mercenaries Peter Berdovsky and Sean Stevens had placed dozens of Jihadist bomb-replicas. In mid-morning, the hoax devices achieve their goal and incite panic in the masses of the American city. A bomb squad is called by law-abiding citizens, which identifies the devices as sharing multiple similarities with explosive units. The matter is resolved by spraying the devices with a high-pressure water hose, the only safe method of effectively disarming terrorist weapons of mass destruction.
But the goal, it turns out, was not to destroy precious Bostonian landmarks; much more insidious motives were at work. Let me explain a little bit about these devices. The similarities to bona fide terrorist explosives are evident: "an identifiable power source, circuit board with exposed wiring, and electrical tape," because terrorists are sloppy workers and never become more adept than 4th graders. Take a look at the poor penmanship on these terrorist envelopes
. But I digress; the devices in question were described by Massachusetts Attorney General Martha Coakley to have "a very sinister appearance," which is, in accordance with Massachusetts law, grounds for suspicion of terrorism (or more famously in the 1600s, witchcraft). Sure, at first they seem harmless. In the daytime, they appear as inactive hunks of silicon:
However, they transform into glaring beacons of terrorism at nightfall, potentially triggering precise explosions or signalling local Jihadists to strike the marked locations with hellfire and brimstone with the aid of their malevolent deities:
Very sinister. The extended middle finger is a known Jihadist code, a secret hand gesture that President George W. Bush made public
in an effort to spread the word about shifty terrorist dealings. But an investigation into the seemingly humorous cartoon character portrayed reveals an even sinisterer plot. Gracing the LED placards is a "Mooninite," an allegorical being that inhabits the surface of the moon. Anyone versed in the Qur'an and Islamic culture knows that the moon-god is worshipped
as one of their main deities. Thanks to this information revealed through interrogation in Iraqi dungeons, our intelligence has made this plot all too transparent. The "Mooninites" are now known to symbolize the fierce Jihadist resistance to peace and civilization.
The legal action pending against Berdovsky and Stevens reached a dead end when the left-wing, liberal judge interjected about the terrorists' goal to strike fear into America's hearts: "It appears the suspects had no such intention but the question should be discussed in a later hearing," displaying such lethargic procrastination of which only a democrat Jew could be capable. Inaction is a crime far worse than terrorism, and with reports that these "Mooninites" have been popping up in cities all over America, it seems as though the terrorists have already won.
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How Can Super-Villainy Help You?
Let's face it.
You're a child prodigy in your mid-40s and you're losing your edge. Your peers are talking behind your back and laughing to your face. "He peaked too soon," they all say with smug grin on their face.
What are you to do?
In this modern society, you have two options: take the constructive criticism for the better (and continue to fail), or become a super-villain. Yes, super-villains actually exist; superheroes, however, do not. Nobody in their right mind would put all of their resources and time into stopping crime. The only reason someone would do that is if Greasy Sal the mob lord/pizza aficionado killed their parents and they wanted revenge. Some supposed superheroes claim revenge is their motivation (Batman, I'm talking to you!), but revenge is kind of villainous, don't you think? Some super-scientists are indeed capable of holding grudges, but we'll talk about that later.
The first component to becoming a successful super-villain is to come up with a kick-ass super-villain nickname. Think about your childhood, think about your past. What defines you
as a person? Had an obsession with lollipops and lived in the suburban Midwest as a kid? You're The Sucker. Have a collection of commemorative plates lining your hallway wall? The Fine Chinaman. Raised by a flock of migratory water-foul? The Loon. Developing a name and mantra is a necessary step in achieving world-renown wickedness.
The second vital component of a worthwhile career in super-villainy is a nearly unlimited budget with which you can work your wonders. You're going to need some major resources if you want to build that army of bulletproof police-car crushing lobster robots. If you're not the heir of a successful hotel chain or the sole compatriot of a lottery winner, this is where you'll find trouble getting into super-villainy. Some think that an extravagant budget is not necessary to become a super-villain. This belief is false. If you are operating on a small budget, you are not a super-villain, you are a villain. Super-villains are infamous and hated by many. Villains are hated by the two people whose car radios they've stolen. What you should choose to do with your budget depends on your interests, but let me suggest employing an army of able henchmen. Developing some super-weapons utilizing the concepts of atomic fission and pulsar electron emission will prove to be very handy as well.
Once financial matters are taken care of, the next logical step is to find an arch-enemy. There are many super-villains that hate each other, but the most worthwhile and rewarding experience is finding a neutral super-scientist to arch. Find someone that hasn't yet had their dreams dashed, someone who is still respected in the scientific community. That way, when you crush him and all that he stands for in the palm of your hand, it'll be all-the-more rewarding, and you'll be all-the-more hated, feared, and yes, revered by your peers.
Note: try to keep a secondary list of possible arch-enemies. No super-villain has ever failed due to hating numerous, if not all, people. Keep in mind that you might want to change your super-villain title to better arch your super-scientist. If you are arching the inventor of double-sided duct tape, for example, you can be the Teflon Avenger. If you are arching the creator of Hungry Hungry Hippos, you can be the Constipated Pachyderm. People will not forget who you are. Prince was still known as "the artist formerly known as Prince."
The final step to cementing your excellence in super-villainy is adjusting your personality. An admirable quality of any super-villain is utter insanity, which nine times out of ten is confused for genius by the scientific community. Try to develop an intense psychological ailment like tripolar disorder, or illogical fear of soft things, grassy places, and/or homonyms. If all else fails, develop an addiction to a personality-altering prescription drug. Only do this, however, until you become famous, or you might suffer some adverse effects after a while. Besides, you can quit anytime you want, right?
With these steps in mind, you should be well on your way to international vileness. Don't fail to make a list of all those peers that talked behind your back and laughed to your face so you don't forget to show them who's laughing now. A really evil, extended laugh like "Mwahahahahaha!!" will do wonders. Pleasant arching, and enjoy your stint in super-villainy.
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Remember when horror movies used to be scary, or at least somewhat interesting? I don't; not after all of these recent "horror" movies spoiled my taste for fear. The Ring
, The Grudge
, Final Destination
, Wolf Creek
, and all of the others and sequels are just completely unconvincing attempts at the genre. The Blair Witch Project
, an incredibly fake "home-made" film starring three horrible actors with runny noses, started the revival of horror movies of late. It's all gone downhill from there. At least The Blair Witch Project
was somewhat artistic and had some tension, while each new horror movie that is released has a flimsier plot and cheaper thrills than the last.
Take Australia's Wolf Creek
for example. The first half of the movie lacks any mood, plot/character development, and direction. Finally, some random back-country hick picks up our less-than-intelligent protagonists. It's easy to discern him as the token "bad guy" from the moment you see him, since he is the only other person with substantial dialogue in the movie up to this point, and frankly, the movie has been running for quite some time now. If this guy isn't
the bad guy, then it's going to end before one shows up. Thus, right away, the plot is as thin as paint thinner and anyone can predict what will happen. In fact, the only guard against predictability is an array of dead-end foreshadowing, including talk of aliens, which actually had nothing to do with the movie. I would also go so far as to say the movie did not include one scary or tense moment. The only thing that put this movie in the horror genre is a scene where fingers are chopped off, and another where there are some spikes through the guy's wrists. The antagonist is neither scary nor interesting, but is rather annoying. Here's a picture of him:
Mick, the killer, obviously played by The Marlboro Man; ©2005 Wolf Creek
What is supposed to be so scary about the Marlboro Cigarettes mascot anyway? Speaking of the actors, there wasn't a single credited cast member who was in any other significant film. This seems to be the trend with horror movies. They use cheap, no-name actors, realizing that their movies don't require any acting skill. This holds true for Wolf Creek
, as the acting is the only horrific thing about the film. Wolf Creek
, literally the worst movie I've ever seen on the big screen, is a shining example of the drastic decline in quality among horror movies. (Read more about why Wolf Creek
sucked in my comment on IMDB.com
The original Halloween
is perhaps the greatest horror movie. It wasn't out to get cheap thrills and was the first of its kind. It was also more realistic and believable than its long-time companions, Nightmare on Elm Street
and Friday the 13th
. The exposition set the mood well, while the character development was adequate and continued through the movie. There was real tension as Michael Meyers set out on his murderous spree, and the gore was subtle and extremely well-done for the time. Even if you were to remove the horror aspects, Halloween
would still stand out as an good film since the plot actually made sense and was interesting.
Perhaps with time and age, the effect of horror movies has worn off on me. It's easy to scare a little kid. To scare an educated teenager/adult is a more difficult task. When I was small, I used to watch horror movies all of the time. My older brother and father love them, so I was always exposed to the horror element. My brother insisted that Friday the 13th
movies are the best of all time. However, no movie from my childhood scared me more than Killer Klowns from Outer Space
. I literally had nightmares about it for weeks. See for yourself just how fucking scary this movie is:
The scariest creatures known to mankind, ©1988 Killer Klowns from Outer Space
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