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I’m not who I used to be
1/11/20 1:35 AM
I look back on my own personal growth, and I am so proud of myself.

I was always so codependent.

I grew up in church. Spiritually is a beautiful thing, and it gives so many people life and promise. I was happy in church, for the most part. But I look back, and I was codependent on god to make me feel whole. I think that’s the whole point of religion though, that we aren’t whole without God. I don’t want to debate anyone, I truly believe that religion can be a light for people in the darkness. I also believe it can make people grow in compassion and love. But in my experience as well, I always felt so codependent on God’s love and acceptance of me. I saw myself as incomplete. I am a sinner. I am damned to hell for lust. I needed saving. It’s as if somehow, my desire to be loved by god (or what I thought god was) increased my insecurities in myself.

After I lost my religion and my believes about who god was and how to serve him, I became codependent on Chris. I looked to him for acceptance as I am. I turned to him when I felt sad or weak. He accepted me in many ways that I couldn’t accept myself.

I realize I’ve been codependent in the past in order to function. ”Am I okay God? I am okay the way I am? Cool, thank you!” After religion was out of the picture, I would ask Chris: “Am I okay Chris? Am I okay the way I am? Cool, thank you!” I wanted validation all the time. I hated myself and the decisions I would make. I felt small in many cases. I didn’t respect myself or my boundaries. I would choose the codependent life in order to find acceptance and love.

I’ve grown now, and I am not religious anymore. I am also 2 years out from my relationship with Chris. As I am growing, I am learning to love myself more. Instead of hating pieces of me, I am learning to accept those pieces. And if I don’t? Instead of self hatred, and looking for reassurance that I’m okay I have decided to change. Or atleast, try to change. Maybe it’s part of growing up. Maybe I went through a lot in order to find myself. I don’t know who I am yet, but I am on a journey to find out.

There’s some things in my life that have been going on that I would like to share with you all, but I’ll save it for another time. what I do want to say is, is that I have decided to break the cycle of my codependency. And I choose to love myself as I grow into the person I want to be.

Wish me luck,
Daneva T.

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I miss dancing!
Saturday. 1.4.20 8:58 am
I find myself sometimes feeling lonely or incomplete. When I feel this way, I tend to wish my partner gave me more. I feel disconnected from them. But I realize now, that when I feel this lonliness...it really isn't a connection with them that I am missing. It truly is a disconnection from myself. It's a sign that I have been neglecting myself and my happiness.

I am glad I realized this about myself. Now, I can focus on how to care for myself, and ways to make myself happy. I am glad that now that I am older, I realize these things about myself. I can take control of my own life and choices, and make myself better.

So what do I plan to do in order to work on my self care again? I want to go back to dance class! I miss it soo sooo SOOO much. I love dancing. I love what it brings out of me, and I love what it does for my soul. It's time to go back to hip hop dance class. It's also time to explore other dance studios.

I also want to find a new gym or find a one on one trainer. Lifting weights is badass, but injuring yourself is not. Sometimes I think that gym I go to is way too focused on group workouts, that form is sacrificed. No one really tells me I am lifting wrong. What if I am, but the trainers don't notice because there are 20 other people exercising with me too? I want to find a really good trainer that can help me build muscle again. I am not sure when I am going to start this, but I do plan to get better at working out while protecting myself. My old trainer in Stockton was an amazing trainer, and I miss him. If only he lived in Sacramento, I would love to work with him again.

Anyways, these aren't new years resolutions. These are just...reminders for myself. A reminder that only I can change my life and bring myself ultimate happiness.

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