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Friday. 5.18.07 8:33 pm
so i get up today, still refreshed and torn based on my move and recent situational decisions ive made, when i hop online and the msn homepage pops up and i see the article http://shopping.msn.com/content/shp/?ctId=6116,ptnrid=164,ptnrdata=301954>1=10032 on ring trends. and of course the one pictured which caught my attention was http://www.bluenile.com/product_details.asp?oid=6070 which I have seen once or twice before.

so maybe its a sign. honestly, when have i done anything which started a trend? I think its a sign that i need to change my decision, ar at least revise it. maybe. maybe there is a better middle ground i can settle for, just definately not where i was. maybe i should keep trying but not as hard. not put as much stock in it as i was. but its so natural and easy to say fuck this bullshit. oh well i wont worry about it for now. if its supposed to work, which i still think it is, then it will work.

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Thursday. 5.17.07 6:24 am
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape

I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me
[end chorus]
-Linkin Park, Given Up, Minutes to midnight

word. Im so tired of peoples' fuckin bullshit. i tried to compromise and put up with bullshitting myself. honestly i lasted alot longer than i thought i would. but now i secede. i give up. i can only handle so much bullshit at once. im tired. tired of waiting, tired of changing my schedule, my habits, my mood, my outlook. fuck that. if there was some output in return then it would be worth it and i would continuew to do so. but i find nothing...

so fine, thats how it is, im trackin. but dont bullshit me about it. goddamn i hate bullshit more than anything. i would rather be punched in the mouth than lied to. ive had both; the punch heals. you know what hurts and why. but with bullshit you have no idea. other peoples shit turns you against yourself. then its you and your own brain fighting, debating, trying to trust and hope, and to follow up my 'me vs. brain' piece i think i have a winner which is...

fuck this bullshit. bam, there it is all pink and naked and it feels great. its sad how finally giving in and saying fuck this feels so much better. usually im a stubborn asshole and won't quit anything, regardless of how it pains me. but im realizing more every day that each day i continue this bullshit because of 'hope' im quitting again. and i tried, like i said. thought maybe another side would come out or id grow or find something new about myself. nope. nothing new. i STILL hate bullshit, go figure.

all ive realized is that everyone will bullshit you at some point. like i said ive tried the hope and trust thing and look where its put my. just as cynical and and doubtful of humanity as ever before. so i guess thank you for that. now i know EVERYONE is 100% full of shit. i guess i never didnt know that, just hoped it wasnt true. and hope is fun while it lasts, but thats like fooling yourself that this milkshake will last forever, when you know it wont. it feels great while you drink it then its gone and youre left with the cold dark reality: no milkshake. ok, bad analogy but the point remains im justified in hating everyone again. i though, maybe i only think everyone is full of shit, then i meet people who seem to be honest and trustworthy, but it turns out theyre a little less full of shit so it maybe only comes up every now and then.

so you may think 'hey thats not so bad' fuck that. if youre full of shit, then youre full of shit. theres no middle ground. i tried being full of shit and it physically depressed me. i cant do it. and i have to sever myself from the people who are ok with it. hartmans an asshole, but hes not full of shit, so hes by far my closest friend here. Jason, john, thrad, all crazy in their own ways, but none of em are full of shit. jason especially, physically smokes crack, but not full of shit. john is crippled and has downs syndrome and i would much rather hang out with him then the people who are full of shit. whereas he wont stimulate me mentally which i love to be, he also wont fucking lie to me and pretend to be something to me which he doenst want to be. or do the other possiblity which is saying he WANTS to be something and making, wait let me add this: 34 + 32 + q +5 = 0, ok, so absolutely NO fucking effort to be what it is he 'claims' he wants to be.

both are retarded in their own way. if he really wanted to be something, but didnt do anything to make it happen, then either he doesnt know how to (not applicable) or hes completely lazy. which im all on board for lazy, but if laziness wins then you dont really want it that bad which puts you back in the full of shit in saying you want something but really dont. and why do it? to appease me? when all i ever say is how much i hate bullshit? fuck that tell me from the door to fuck off. itll suck more at first but then ill realize youre a dick and move on alot faster than this bullshit. fuck this bullshit.

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Tuesday. 5.15.07 8:20 am
Bcmst3000 (8:58:06 PM): its amazing how much alcohol your firends will buy you to 'try' and ease your depression
Bcmst3000 (8:58:13 PM): thats the motto of my birthday party
AvalonByAMile (8:58:52 PM): and it can kinda work
Bcmst3000 (8:59:05 PM): mmmmm, kinda
Bcmst3000 (8:59:09 PM): temporarily
Bcmst3000 (8:59:23 PM): til you wake up the next morning and the fun is gone but the situation isnt
AvalonByAMile (8:59:45 PM): quite temporarily. waking up is the *worst*. hungover, sober, entirely un-alcohol-related, whatever. waking up is the worst thing.
AvalonByAMile (9:00:35 PM): you're awake and you stretch out and your mind is still sleep-foggy and then before you've stood up you remember and it all comes back to you and then there's nausea.
AvalonByAMile (9:00:55 PM): and then you just have to go through your day and function through it. just get through it.
Bcmst3000 (9:01:13 PM): and no matter what its there
Bcmst3000 (9:01:19 PM): no matter who you see or what they say
Bcmst3000 (9:01:29 PM): no matter how optimistic you are or try to cope
AvalonByAMile (9:01:59 PM): and it will be fine for a few hours or so sometimes, and then you'll see or hear or remember something that will trigger it and you have to make a conscious effort not to physically collapse.
Bcmst3000 (9:02:14 PM): aw dammit i hate that
Bcmst3000 (9:02:28 PM): but its worse when you bring it upon yourself
Bcmst3000 (9:02:42 PM): like i dunno, keep the ring and wear it as a necklace
Bcmst3000 (9:03:36 PM): but i have no idea who would be so sentimental...
AvalonByAMile (9:03:42 PM): yeahhhh oh definitely guy. yes.
Bcmst3000 (9:03:53 PM): im dumb
AvalonByAMile (9:04:14 PM): not dumb. conflicted i would imagine.
Bcmst3000 (9:04:33 PM): im a sucker for someone saying they love me
Bcmst3000 (9:04:41 PM): and i cant turn it off as easy as other peole can
Bcmst3000 (9:04:44 PM): or at all
AvalonByAMile (9:05:17 PM): me too. i am the same way.
AvalonByAMile (9:05:40 PM): i hear it from the person i love, and it makes my entire day. if i don't hear it before bed, it makes it harder to sleep.
AvalonByAMile (9:05:58 PM): and no, you can't turn this stuff off
AvalonByAMile (9:05:59 PM): i wish.
Bcmst3000 (9:06:12 PM): oh no apparently you can
AvalonByAMile (9:06:18 PM): the world would be great if we could turn on and off our feelings about people. it really would.
AvalonByAMile (9:07:07 PM): someone break your heart? okay, push the "off" button, quit loving them, and life is wonderful again. mortal enemies with someone? sick of fighting? okay, push the "on" button and love them like family and it's all good again.
Bcmst3000 (9:08:15 PM): someone hurting me doesnt have near the effect of someone putting the same amount of love on
Bcmst3000 (9:08:44 PM): in fact the only people who can hurt me are the ones who start out loving

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Tuesday. 5.8.07 8:02 am
Listen, when it comes down to interacting with other humans, your word is all you have. people know if youre full of shit or honorable and react accordingly. what ends up happening is that most people are full of shit therefore they are more comfortable hanging around other people who are just as full of shit. theyre the ones who make up bullshit stories and tell all their 'friends' who will believe them and complement their greatness. although i have my suspicions that because their friends are equally full of shit they dont believe the person anyway and make fun of them while their gone. not that ive seen that or anything.

and whats the deal with that? how the hell are you going to come to me, one whos not known for gossipping, and talk shit on your so-called best friend like i either care or wont be disgusted? THEN get all pissy because i openly say i dont want anything to do with you because youre a sneaky piece of shit and run back to the same friend you were talking trash on to talk trash about me? not that i mind you talkin trash on me but when your friend confronts me and i tell her what really happened, then when you make up your bullshit excuse and act like you did nothing wrong you are telling your friend 'fuck you i hope you die'

that what it means to me if you go back on your word, or are an overall untrustworthy person. if you can lie to me now about something small then you WILL lie to me later about something big. its just a matter of time. but since i dont trust you now, then i wont have that problem later. i just dont understand how you can say something to someone you pretend to care about then completely back out of it or not mean it when you said it. and im not talking about telling your friend you'll buy tacos and you forget about it. im talking about shit like (and this is the worst) telling someone you love them and not meaning it at all (i.e. youre cheating). damn i cant stand that, and if someone shuns you for the rest of your life for it then i think you got off lucky.

and maybe im a little too harsh when it comes to cutting these people out of my life but i dont think so. if you know someone had aids once before would you sleep with them now? hell no youd stay away. and people screw up, it happens. one of my best friends today slept with my girlfriend, not knowing we were together at the time, but he came up to me like a man and told me the deal straight up. so ever since ive had nothing but respect and trust for him. now SHE was an untrustworthy person who i dont talk to still and neither does he (or that whole group of friends). but there again it shows what is probably one of the worst feelings for me which is being told your loved by someone who doesnt mean it.

thats why youve gotta have that trust and i feel good because ive got a good group of friends who i fully trust and vice versa. my mind always pictures the worst possible scenario, but im able to deal with a certain situation because i trust her fully. i have no reason not to. so likewise, where theres nothing worse than not being able to trust someone, it is a completely sublime feeling when you can fully trust someone. theres not many people i can say that for but those people definately know who they are and i try to let them know how grateful i am for them. and on that note i need to go make some phone calls.

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Monday. 5.7.07 2:41 am
Fuck depression. Its a stupid thing which takes up too much time. I start gettin depressed, and you think you can hide it but everyone else sees you acting different and that somethings up. then they all ask when theres nothing they can do about it so whats the purpose of asking?

so my normal answer is to just use the be 'bitter to everything' approach. which then people just assume youre an asshole but id rather have that than mope around and be all emo and whiny. my theory there is also if I hate everyone they won't make me pissed off. which was a good idea and worked ... in middle school.

Now I'm seeing that the best way to go is to just deal with it and keep truckin through. this morning for instance i woke up in a sad depressed emo mood. other incidents (mainly the crazy ass ideas that pop in my head which are completely unjustified) just made me even more depressed. as a result i was groggy and didnt want to come to work and had an overall shitty attitude. thank god im schizophrenic and my other half was saying "what the fuck is wrong with you?" i dunno how it works but my brain just shows me how dumb and whiny im being and i just deal with it. as a aresult my mood lightened greatly and i did phenomenal things today.

the problem is sadness, like anger becomes a comfort zone which is hard to break. fuck that. i HATE being depressed so i usually pick the anger route which normally feels TOO comfortable. man, i can keep a grudge forever. but im seeing that its not the way it works. not the way i want to be. it turns out its a little harder but so much more worth it to just bite the bullet and deal with shit than wine about it or act like your pissed and dont care. just my thought for the day.

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Me vs. Brain
Sunday. 4.29.07 6:53 am
So this deadly battle has been raging between my brain and I for the past few days which is of course ripping me apart. Shit happens. People do an say things that I don't understand but will go along with for their sake, and ultimately, hopefully, for my own. but the problem is not knowing. People usually fear what they don't understand which is oh so true for me now. I used to not knowing which has been more exciting for a situation. Enlisting was a HUGE step of not knowing which was exciting as all hell and I would do it again for that reason.

but that situation presented me with a kind of nothing to lose attitude which is what made the not knowing ok because i wasn't worried. now i have something to lose, something huge which the pain of losing is unbearable. which is where the battle begins. My logic train stops at what is about the worst possible scenario for me and I freak out. where on the same hand, i logically have no reason to think that. We all know i don't trust many people. So why is it that when someone I trust and love tells me something, it doesnt think in and I worry like this? I want to say its because I dont trust her but thats not the case at all. She a much stronger person than I am and I'll be damned if i bounce around lying, especially when someones emotions are on the line like now.

Yet still I worry. Still I look to the unknown without confidence which is new to me and i can't stand it. well its not new, i had it all the time when i was young and decided to not put myself in situations like this. but this is completely out of my hands. Grant it, I want to say I've done everything I could, but that simply isn't true and I guess is sort of my payment for that. which i'll pay. but this feeling of helplessness feels completely new and im not sure what to do or how to react. The answer put out is that time will resolve it but it seems more like time has been the culprit. If i could go to bed knowing that in [blank] amount of time it will be all good, and these things will be out of systems, then I would sleep fine and tackle each day in between no problem. And even though i was told by said person I trust that it will, I still can't sleep.

The clash is killing me here because I still believe it will be all good because you told me, and I believe you and have more hope for it than anything i can remember (barring life threatening things like dads surgery(ies)). ANd i know im being whiny again and youre probably tired of hearing it and me ranting on like an idiot, but even more than always the small things are what kills me. You saying you love me will easily make my week, where as dodging saying it has the opposite effect. I dont know what more to say on the subject that i haven't already said. I always thought my feelings were out there in the open all pink and naked. but i know i can be bad at communicating these things so let me know if theres anything youre not clear on. and i only worry that because theres so many things that I am not clear on.

and then ...

and then all of a sudden another wave comes over, a good song comes on and my brain starts to win the battle. i realize (or at least tell myself) that all you told me was true and that the feelings i believed in so fervently before dont just disappear, especially this fast. i start to acknowledge (or at least tell myself) you do just want what you said and that i shouldnt worry. that im not being replaced or discarded. that the feelings are still there and words/situations are all that are changing. its hard for me. damn hard. the battle is getting both me and the brain to be on the same page, and part of that page is trust on you. both of us do trust you fully but as always we overanalyze and contradict and try to find the most logical answer to a situation where its not applicable. The fight creates this huge rift within me but its all a test or at least a process into my trust for you. and without that trust there is no us. at any level.

so i will put up with the struggle to reach/prove that point for you. but saying it only like that makes me very codependent where the truth may be more that i will reach/prove it for me. everything i do is for myself in some fashion (as is true with everything). even driving that broad to the airport was just so i would have done something nice and felt better for myself. yeah i wanted to help her and she definately appreciated it, but if i didnt enjoy helping people, i wouldnt have and i would be selfish. so on the same coin, if my infatuation with you, and just being with you didnt make me happy i wouldnt deal with this. so all im asking, as i said before, is more insight as to whats going on big picture and small i guess. i dont want anything to be said that isnt meant, but i already know you wouldnt which is more of that struggle whooping my ass.

god it would rock if there were really two of me, so then one could go to work and the other could just play Paper Mario all day, then switch off. Plus, i could look at myself all day without needing a mirror. Mmmm.

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