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philosophy bitch
Tuesday. 7.13.04 10:36 pm
CHECK HIM OUT! the little forest spirit dude from princess mononoke is jerkin off with a smiley! hahahahahaha. that is fantastic. Princess mononke was a fantastic movie. its all about how animals and humans used to live all happy-like until we got greedy and wanted to create war-machines and killed the forest and the animals as a result. i dont understand it. i do understand the food chain theory. im no tree hugging vegitarian, dont worry. the native americans had a fantastic balance of living off the land and eatin animals left and right, but they used everything they killed, and they respected the animals and nature around them. then we crackers came and gave em herpes. thank go for us huh? now i know, the land will usually replenish itself. like the whole arguement on wasting trees for paper; we have tree farms for paper. for those who dont understand its like in idaho theres farms and farms of potatoes. they are grown to be eaten. but no tree lovin vegan will argue with that. so its no different with trees. heres whats gonna happen: either way we will find a way to use our resources intelligently (which we're gettin better) or we'll use em all and die off and the earth will replenish itsself. oh well. its like george carlin said "the earth lived thru ice ages, polar melts, floods, plages, tornadoes, hurricanes, volcanic eruptions, and you think a couple of plastic bags are gonna kill the planet?" fantastic. i think its very possible that humans already lived on the planet way before the current strand of humans. and all the fossils we would find of the previous strand are now so far into the earths core that it went into the core and got melted. so god knows how many eons of other random life was here that we'll never have any idea. that shits mind boggling. we like to think we have a firm grasp of knowledge on the world and life and the universe and we have no friggin clue. we still dont know where the planet fuckin came from. we have teories and ideas and logical explanations but we still dont know. and im sorry bible fans dont give me that GOD MADE IT stuff. obviously some higher power that we cant explain created it or melded 2 things to spawn it, or whatever. so you can call that unexplainable thing god if you want. i dont know what it is so i wont put a name on it. or them whatever the case may be. its like "hey do you hear that? someones stuck in the well. who is it" ... "i dont know who it is but ill call him Jim" i dont get it. and dont get me wrong. i believe in 'god' but i have to quote it because god has just become a loose term for the powers we dont understand and cant identify. you have to believe in something more than what your 5 senses tell your brain. but you cant irrationally conjure some some sparatic stream of crap and make a doctrine as a result to be followed for thousands of years. that people end up warring over. damn we're a smart species. we all have ideas on where we came from and who made everything. but theres no physically possible way that every person on the planet will believe the same thing. and if it does happen ill be so glad that im long dead by then. i like discussing my beliefs/ideas/theories/masturbating practices with people. open minded people. they are the only ones worth talking to. they listen to your ideas, soak them in, and give you theirs. either they agree, disagree, or you both shed light on issues you couldnt figure out on your own and a new theory is deduced from two brains. i love that stuff. "stupid people do stupid things, smart people outsmart each other; then themselves" now talking to a closed minded person about this stuff is crazy. you figure; if you talk to a brick wall, no matter what it will always be a brick wall. it will not change. it cant change. which is the same as a closed minded person. the only advantage to talking to a brickwall instead of a closed minded person is that the wall cannot give ridiculously stupid retorts. i dont get it. i know people that will say santa is usually portrayed wearing blue. and you can show him every santa picture ever made and hes wearing red in all of them (instead of the x-rated santa, we wears a fur g-string) and then that person will say yeah, i guess he usually does wear red. then as soon as he finishes that sentence he will say, hey, santa is still portrayed as wearing blue. now thats a horrible analogy i know but you get the point. i gotta go play halo so i will continue some other time.

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All I have is Insane
Tuesday. 7.13.04 6:07 pm
"give my stomach a second to catch up with my gluttony" i had multiple buffets this weekend at the beach and that was my quote of the day. i almost got all my hair cut off last nite but everyone said i shouldnt. and that was mostly the females. i realize girls like long hair but i dont think it fits me, tho everyone else argued. but what pissed me off is girls i wouldnt mind dating say i should keep the long hair when they're not attracted to me either way. females dont realize little comments on appearance go a long way in a guys head. we dont always show it but we like to be attractive for the ladies, but from a rational standpoint. most guys wont do anything ungodly uncomfortable to look attractive, like say high heels and corsets and whatever else women use or have used just to look attractive. the BEST is when the girl spends hours to make herself look sexy, thus implying they like sex, and get mad when guys look. or they dress sexy to attract the opposite sex, and on an instinctal level to attract a mate, then they act all retarded and blow off all guys talking to her like 'oh i dont want to be involved with anyone right now' they spend hours looking sexy from a males point of view to ignore men all nite. fantastic. if that were true you'd wear a mumu. but i think mumus are hot so fuck you anyway. and thats the beauty of my weirdness. i hate all the flashy overkill makeup and barely covering your body and the GAP high heels and hair all tall or whatever. i hate that crap. give me a normal broad with a hoodie, sneakers, and dark hair thats just chillin there. i dont like blonds. blonds (the ones ive met and approached) all think they are by far the best looking things on the planet. they are too dense to hold a conversation with, all the other guys drool over the blond which blows the girls head up out of proportion so she thinks she is the most phenomenal thing on the planet and no one is good enough. well guess what bitch? im not impressed with someone who has to stop a conversation to tie a shoe for fear of brain overload. how do you drown a blond? put a scratch-n-sniff at the bottom of a pool. what is this whole fascination with looks anyway. theres nothing wrong with wanting to be attractive but be fucking rational. making yourself throw up because you dont want to be fat is not a sickness. its a disgusting fixation on a social viewpoint of how you should look. fuck how other people think you should look. id much rather date the girl who wears whats comfy rather than all this ridiculous uncomforatble shit for the sake of fitting a mold. thats where this whole inane carb craze comes from but thats a whole other thesis ill save. so back to my point, if a few females say my hair looks good this way, when i dont really care how it looks ill keep it that way based on that. if it got uncomfortable or interfered with work or anything it would be gone regardless of how i look. cause i dont really care. that may be a result of years of girls shooting me down because im ugly so i may have finally given up. but at this poinyt theres not much i can do about it. sure i could go get plastic surgery and take all this unnatural medicine and shit. or i could keep listening to my brain when it makes sense. i dont want a girl because of how i look. which is funny to say because girls dont give you the time of day if you're not 'cute' and then they say 'i dont care how a guy looks' the only time a woman doesnt care how a guy looks is if hes rich. theres a quote for the books. i dont want to sound bitter about being alone there are plenty of godd reasons to be so especially looking at my last relationship. but id love to have a broad that can just chill with me, and do her own thing, and the 2 of us have a good ass time in the process. and as simple as it sounds it is incredibly hard to find. the girls i know either jump around between guys like its a magazine subscription, a new one every other month. or they get all caught up in what other people think and not what makes them happy. or the only thing that makes them happy is money and a guy they can show off. thats hilarious because i dont have confidence in things unless i KNOW i should, like my job. and im completly confident i know how to make a girl happy (physically and emotionally and financially at this point but fuck that) and i realize part of my problem with girls is i always do what i can to make them happy. you cant do that. they have to be able to depend on me when they need to but know i wont do absolutely everything for them. i always spoil my girlfriends and i dont ask for much so they assume 'hey free ride! i dont have to do shit and he'll buy me stuff and always get me off without doing the same for him, and he'll sacrifice all his other friends and crap to be with me when i want, but if i want to do anything even when he really needs me i wont ... etc' fuck bitches. when their not rambling psychotically about something they overheard that may have possibly exsisted in a book while blaming you for it; they're cheating on you. i know guys are pigs, but girls are sluts. which goes back to all humans belive liars and cheats and im running in circles about how i hate people.

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beach, bitch
Thursday. 7.8.04 5:37 pm
thats right you slimy motherfucks im hittin the beach. and of course the only regret is i have to call off of work. but enough 60 hour weeks in the past 3 months i thing gives me permission to do whatever the hell i feel. fuck all who argues. if you were workin 60 hours this week you wouldnt have time to argue with me. heres some shit, this is the first time in 1 1/2 years i requested off and on tuesday jeremy called off cause he was sick (fishing) and when he talked to matt about workin this weekend matt told him i had off (as i requested like a month ago) and jeremy started bitchin. this lazy bastard who skipped work to fish is bichin about me requestin off. motherfuckin messiah week i put in 72 hours and this french twist asshole barely got 40. he can suck my dick for all that, but how could that happen if im always workin and hes always callin off. oh well, thats why i get all the OT pay. haha bitch. speaking of which i need to sell my car and go to the auction. if anyone wants a purple 96 eclipse for 4K look no further. ill even wash it naked when you buy it. for free. shit id pay the 4 grand just for that. haha just to see this farmer tan scrawny mother fuckin ungraceful crackhead slippin around in soapy water. mmmmmmmm. delicious. i want a motorcycle so bad. i got my permit to ride like 2 months ago and the bike i was supposed to ride keeps gettin ran into shit. so i need to just get my own. i want to get a bike instead of a new car but for logistics that is obviously not the way to go. plus summer is half way over so i might as well wait til next year. unless im goin to london when meghan graduates. I told her i would but i dunno if she took me seriosuly. i talked to jen about it and doing the same like once everyother year or so, and we came to the conclusion its just my fantasy to work in other countries. but im sayin a job is a lifestyle. your life is based on your job. you need it, and it needs you. but thats the true way to grasp a culture is to work with them. and it could save my ass because as many people here dont realize the rest of the world hates americans, mostly because we're lazy. so if i live in like scotland or germany, and show intelligence and work my ass off (which is normal) they wont look at me as a normal shit nosed american and let me further into their culture which would rock. people fascinate me. theres so much cool shit and so many diverse ideas out there. id love to see and experience all of it but i know thats not possible so id die a happy old fuck if i got to live as much of it as i can. and thinkin about all that then going out into this shitty little town sucks. bunch of jobless fuckin crackheads sittin on their porches yellin up and down the street at each other. hence the term porch monkey was coined. and i dont think that applies to only black people cause theres alot of fat lazy white people doing the same damn thing. especially in the trailer parks. hey theres a 20 year old lazy white girl that lives here and sits on the porch all day. i should start callin her porch monkey. god damn people need jobs.

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stuff
Wednesday. 7.7.04 10:38 pm
so i just watched the King Arthur movie. i liked it. i mainly liked it because of the lengths a man will go to for the right reason. i love seein movies like that cuz it doesnt happen anymore. you see people in the movie fighting what seems like an unwinnable war just because their friend is staying to fight. thats so awesome. but then you go to work and people lie and act scandalous just to get out of a difficult job. or theres people sneaking around your room and you have to go buy a lock to keep everyone out. or your friends cant tell you they're dating. its amazing to see these stories of unaltering loyalty thru the most extreme situation and i have yet to have a full sense of loyalty from someone. obviously my immediate family is excluded from that because they actually love me and have genuine honesty. and not honesty like "oh id tell you if that dress doesnt look good" why cant i trust anyone? well i know why i shouldnt trust anyone and i know why i dont. but i mean why does EVERYONE have to lie and sneak around and shit. is everyone that insecure, afraid of responsibility, ashamed of themselves, or whatever other reason everyone lies? id like to think people uphold values that are unbreakable but i have yet to see a situation to back that up. you have a job, it is your responsibility, just do it and stop bitching. dont say "oh this person did this and that" and lie to get yourself out of doing your own job. what a bunch of pussies. you hit my car, tell me. dont act like you dont know what happened. grow some balls and take responsibilty. you're out doing drugs again but hide your cokehead friends from me and make up stories like 'someone stole my money (while i was at my moms house)' because you're so scared to face yourself. youre so scared of who you are and too lazy/stupid to change it. so you lie yourself into the disillusion that you are something that you're not. THEN when you finally believe that you start to judge others and tell everyone else how they should live their life because you actually lied to yourself and everyone else so much that you dont realize you're a cokehead/asshole/slut/etc. fuck that. be open with who you are. even if you dont like who you are. you cant change your problem if you act like you dont have it. everyone in AA acklowledges that they have a problem and stop lying to themseleves and everyone so they can change that problem. and i understand everyone has slumps. no ones perfect. and i give so much respect for those people like the recovering alcoholics because they stopped lying and stop fucking around and got their shit together. i love it. it starts to regain some hope in humanity. but unfortunately the situations ive seen is they stop drinking and start being a complete asshole all the time. or they are broke and live off everyone else, and they befriend people til their friends help their broke ass out. then that broke person gets a lucky break and they ... i dont know... start their own business as a result and then all of a sudden act like their hot shit. no motherfucker you are fooling no one. ive seen you drunk, ready to sleep in the street crying your eyes out and sat next to you the whole time. i gave you money when you needed it. i even gave you money to further help your business in addition to being free labor at times, only to get this in response: "brian youre such an idiot for not starting a business, everyone can, you're so dumb, oh wait, i wouldnt have a big part of it if it wasnt for the money you gave me THAT I STILL OWE YOU, .. um yeah ... you're dumb brian" yes, yes i am. dumb for trusting. fuckin chester proposes such a good question "do i trust some and get fooled by phoniness or do i trust nobody and live in lonliness" goddammit. why is everyone such a fucking asshole? why do people act like complete idiots then wonder forever why other people are mad? why do people take a situation they caused, and distort it when they talk to their friends to get sympathy. its only to make themselves feel better about being an asshole. so even tho they dont directly lie to themselves, they lie to others so the other people project ideas that it is not that persons fault as to what happened or that they did nothing wrong. stop being such a fucking idiot. you know what you did was absolutely ridiculous and uncalled for. and I know you twisted that shit around when you talked about it to everyone else to hear them say "oh brian and everyone else is taking it wrong ... blah blah" jesus christ are you that scared of admitting you cant function in society? or is that another character flaw that someone like you cant accept because you always have to be right. or even when you're wrong you're still somehow better than the one proving you wrong. then even when you admit that you project all this fucking retardation on everone you wonder why no one wants to hang with you. DING! heres an idea: stop being a fucking asshole, stop enforcing your opinion on other people, acknowledge the fact that you are wrong, quite often actually, and that people just go along with what you say most the time just so youll shut the fuck up. "uh well fuck him he has no reason to be upset" of course you with the rationality of decaying feces would think something like that. and as all other closed minded people you cannot even fathom the fact that you are wrong, which is the first sign of people who are wrong all the time. it goes back to you lying to yourself for so long that its just default that when you say/think/feel ANYTHING it is the automatic absolute truth, and anyone who disagrees with any of it is stupid. even when they have proof to back up their disagreement. but know, its so much easier, to lie/twist reality/distort the situation to your favor so that you're not wrong. and i guess you're so confident in your ability to do that that you automatically assume you're right, becuase no matter what you say youll be able to make yourself BELIEVE that youre right. ya know, i see alot of 8 year olds following that same behavior. way to go. but the funny thing is that most 8 year olds would put a fork in the plug socket once then realize: "wow, that hurt. i would be so stupid to do that again. im gonna go play nintendo instead" as opposed to doing the same dumb shit over and over and gettin hurt and expecting sympathy. fuck that. how dumb are you? dumb enough to say "oh hes not talking about me" and lying to yourself, distorting the truth, once again to escape the responisibilty of change your fuck ups. goddamn i hate people.

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what the fuck
Tuesday. 7.6.04 5:17 pm
so i guess i always knew this but this is some real disturbing yet inspiring shit. im at work today, coughin my lungs out cuz some bad ass virus is workin thru my house where it hurts like hell to cough yet you couh all day, but in spite of that i still go to work. so while im there doin that there is a healthy 20 year old girl sitting around doing nothing all day because she "can't" ( i have to use her language because i would never say that) get a job. i find that so disgusting. i have more respect for whores than jobless people. jason said a great quote the other nite in regards to this situation: "even strippers have job" its so funny because its so true. stripping isnt the best job but fuck its a job. its somethin people want and so they do their job and deliver and thus continues the flow of economy, society, and life as a whole. but i digress from my point. while im sick as fuck and workin, and shes sittin around talkin on the phone (about god knows what because she doesnt do anything so what is there to talk about) while shes sittin here i see an obviously mentally retarded person with obvious physical handicaps walking to work. what the fuck? what could possibly be wrong with the healthy one when thats goin on. if i didnt have a job and i saw that i would shit all over myself and say i didnt even deserve that. and i keep forgetting about john. he has mental defficiencies and a very obvious physical handicap (hes crippled) but you know what that mother fucker is gonna do tomorrow? hes goin the fuck to work. god damn i love that. the only jobless person i hang around i hate ( i dont really hang with her anymore) and still lingers here after we said repeatedly she has to leave. "i have to leave??!?! that means i have to DO something!!!!!!! nooooooooooooooooooo!!!! ill just cut myself instead" jesus fucking christ grow the fuck up. and the bad thing about that statement is that it is addressed to her and has a verb in it so it will be ignored. only the verbs "talk" and "smoke" register to her. i have no sympathy for people in a shitty situation that makes no effort to change it. and whats worse is the other day we had a conversation about 'us' and she said she still loves me and wished things could work out. i told her in more words than this that if she had a job and some goals and did something maybe we'd have a chance. so i would think that if she loves me so much she would do whatever to make it work, and here its as simple as getting a job. but no. that verb is in the sentence. "brian i was more hoping you would fall back in love with me while i sit here and spend all your money. then ill complain because i dont have dumb shit that i dont need. and THEN ill bitch at you for being at work all the time to get the money for that dumb shit that i dont need. my life is so bad" now no one will ever argue the lenghts i went to for love. fuck id still do real dumb shit for someone i love that doesnt even look at me while becky couldnt get a job to keep the one she loves near. whats so goddamn bad about a job? besides the obvious perk being a paycheck, you develop talents, discipline, and responsibility, you have a sense of purpose, you have some effect on the world, you meet friends and other people, you learn things about the world. its just the natural thing to have a job. we were made to have jobs. and yes all jobs change the world in some way. no matter how small. all jobs are needed for some reason, even if its as simple as convienencing someone for a minute or two. that job is still necessary. but what i hate is when people have these jobs and half ass them. and again no matter how small it is why half ass? your job is needed for some reason so you're only fucking up that whole worldly flow by not doing shit right. i understand no ones perfect, we make mistakes. if a waitress spills soda on my its cool its an accident. but if my food gets cold cuz she wants to take a long ass break for no reason im gonna get pissed. jobs make the world go round. most things were created for a job, or because of a job. most things that get done at all are the result of someone at work. car makers make a car. you work to get money to buy the car. your car takes you to work at the computer store. someone buys a computer you built to design new cars. jobs are so fucking good. all jobs. and weve all had shitty jobs. someone always will have a shitty job. but they're still gettin shit done and i respect that. now, i dont want to clean up shit, but someone has to. it is a job that needs done. and people knock people that clean up shit. but if those people half assed their job, thered be shit everywhere. you half ass builing that computer, the designer has a faulty design as a result, the car is built shitty and people burn alive trapped inside their cars. why half ass? why 0 ass and not get a job at all? i cant even criticize people for not doing their job right when theres people that dont work at all. half effort is alot better than no effort. well im dirty from WORK so im hittin the shower. fuck people

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dont smoke crack
Tuesday. 7.6.04 12:10 am
crack. well i was told to update which i agree with becaue it is a good outlet. there is a good bit goin on i have to rant about. ill break it down with today. it was kinda cool, i definately drove all the way to shippensburg to tear down the easiest job ever. then talked to the guys for half an hour on the clock about masturbating and blowjobs. but guys dont talk about cunnilingus. i dont understand. i will shoot off at the mouth about goin down south. but i guess most guys dont appreciate it quite like i do. then i got on my new bike and it rocks. i rode around town for a bit then i hit the greenbelt trail. besides the insane hills you need a dirtbike to tackle, she definately ripped that shit up. then i hung out with cara which is always a whirlwind. shes defiantely an awesome friend and i go out the like 'yeah this is gonna rock' then i leave like 'fuck' i dont get it. its like you want a bowl of chocolate ice cream more than anything in the world, so much to the point you would kill for a bow. so then you sit beside a tub of chocolate ice cream and you cant eat it. definately sucks. i like to think its not my fault that i cant have the ice cream but then it has to be. i like to think we have control over all our situations to at least attempt to make them better. but i guess sometimes theres only so much you can do. and i hate quittin anything but fuck. this is past old. how many times will you put a fork in the plug socket before you learn. but if you feel something is that worth it youll do some pretty dumb shit. and to what end? to keep doing it and doing it for no apparent reason? for fuckin crackheads to get the chance you want so bad and they're like 'ah fuck this' and dumb shit happens? when will other people learn? "hey theres a porshe in my garage but ill keep riding these random broken scooters to work and so im late everyday and the rest of my life falls apart as a result" fuck this. i cant keep sittin here in the garage. id like to think there is someone that would appreciate a good thing but these broads are so fucking stupid as the previous analogy shows. so fuck 'em im not gonna feel sorry. if you want to do the most idiotic thing you can think of and get hurt as a result then thats all on you. ill have no part anymore. ive been completely retarded for like 7 years now.fuck i didnt even shit myself for that long. what the fuck. its amazing what the effect of other people can have on an otherwise intelligent rational person. so i said it before and i will repeat it, fuck people. its impossible to remain logical and interact with people without killing someone or internally combusting so fuck it. its not worth it. why expel all this energy and stress to hang with people? fuck it. playstation stays plugged in for all that bitch. so its not even worth gettin all stressed out about because simpply; fuck it. people lie, people use you, people cast you off when you'd be the best thing for them, people are ass holes. so fuck people. damn this journal is a great idea.

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