A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence
"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"
"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation
"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes
"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics
Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Blue Milk Special
Cigarro & Cerveja
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Eat That Toast!
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
The Intrepid Girlbot
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius
Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
The Property of Hate
Robbie and Bobby
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Strong Female Protagonist
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Yellow Peril (PG-13)
Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
The Book of Biff
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing
Meat and Plastic
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
Pictures for Sad Children
A Redtail's Dream
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
YU + ME
Pure Flash Awesomeness
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
Clients from Hell
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Yeah, one of these days
Thursday, August 18, 2011
I should probably go get professionally diagnosed or something.
Although at the same time, they'd probably want to put me on meds, so maybe not.
All the descriptions say symptoms should be enough to "interfere with daily life" but I'm not even sure what that means anymore.
I don't remember what it's like to NOT deal with this, but I'm still going about my life, so...?
Pretty sure I at least have a mild chronic form, though I've certainly experienced some major episodes before.
Kind of sad that I only care that I have depression because it seems to be preventing me from choosing a major...
More sites like this
Monday, August 15, 2011
There seem to be a lot of secret sharing sites around the internet... I can think of Postsecret and Experience Project just off the top of my head.
Anyway, found a new one tonight.
Kind of a stupid name, but that doesn't impact the content so much.
A few I liked:
A guy at the grocery store approached me and asked, "Does he know how lucky he is? Please, tell him a stranger thinks he's the luckiest man in the world." Nothing creepy about it, just a sincere compliment. There's no "he." None of the guys I've been with have ever realized how lucky they are. I wish they had all been there to hear that man's compliment. I'm lonely.
You're born alone, you die alone. I see a recurring theme.
I desperately want to find my soulmate/love of my life, but sometimes I think it will be easer just to stay single.
truu54399 (Hahaha, what the heck??)
I'm sooooo tired shaving the hair in my a**!! Does the hair there really have a purpose? It's closed all the time, how does it even grow?! What is it a chia pet, put water on it and watch it grow!!!!!
I found a guy online who is willing to pay me $100 to smell my shoes after a run. I'm unemployed and SO taking him up on the offer.
I think it's time to grow fins and go join the rest of my kind in the ocean. The Whales are here at this time of year.
Sometimes when I read the sad secrets of strangers I just wish I could bundle up all the unhappiness in them and... I don't know... make them into Jell-o and then squish up all the Jell-o and wash it down the drain.
It's weird how people you don't know can be more sympathetic than your friends sometimes. I guess it's because they don't have to deal with you that much.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Last night I woke up and told myself to remember the phrase "war sparrow."
When I got up today I could recall it, but not the reasons why.
It took a little while to come back to me.
There was a baby sparrow in a cage. It was sick, and we were trying to figure out how to help it. Then, someone took a long needle and stabbed it into the little bird's body. It revived instantly, and after another jab with the needle lower on its body, it flew out of the cage. We watched it land next to its younger sibling, open its beat, and swallow the other baby whole.
This, I knew, was a ritual of sorts. The particular type of sparrow we had helped was born to kill and endure ruthless conditions. It didn't have a name in the dream, but when I woke up, "war sparrow" was the only thing that seemed to make sense.
More woes on the road to getting a license
Friday, August 12, 2011
That song has nothing at all to do with licenses. I just like it.
I've been avoiding reading the driver's handbook for a few weeks, but I walked over to my mom today and she asked, "so, do you want to schedule an appointment with the DMV?"
Oops. I was honest though and said I hadn't finished reading the handbook (still have ~60 pages to go D:), so she said alright and went back to her business.
Meh. Well, regardless, I don't think I'll be like my brother and get fourteen wrong when I take the permit test, even if he thinks I'll fail. (Not sure what his logic is there-- genetic idiocy?)
Researching/applying to colleges seems like an endless task. I wish I had someone to do this with. :/ I used to hear so much about how people found their "perfect schools" or they researched universities and just saw one that "looked right" to them. I don't think that's ever going to happen for me.
Every time I stay up late researching colleges, I get a little more discouraged. My interests are a little too random for any one school to satisfy them, I guess, and I don't have a single interest strong enough to overcome the rest.
At least this stuff serves as a distraction...
Learning how to be a grown up
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Well, I sort of drove for the first time on Tuesday. I say "sort of" because I pretty much just jerked the car forward and then freaked out and stomped on the brake.
Not gonna lie, it was a... harrowing experience.
The car is stick shift, so my mom was trying to tell me what to do with the clutch and the gears. I got that part, but then it got a little confusing with the "stepping on the clutch and the brake while starting but then stepping on the gas lightly, and then easing off the clutch and just stepping on the gas" part. See, prior to that she told me I had to keep my foot on the clutch while in first gear, but then when she showed me, she took her foot off the clutch...
Anyway, when I got behind the wheel, I spent awhile nervously asking questions about what to do, which I'll openly admit was just to stall. When I finally started the car and stepped on the gas, the car jerked forward at what felt like the speed of light and I freaked out.
I did manage to actually drive for about ten seconds, and went around in a sorta circle, but it wasn't like those moments in movies where the character is intimidated and scared at first and then realizes they can do it. It was more like I was panicking because it seemed like the steering wheel was turned really far, and I wasn't sure if that was right, and I was afraid I was going to crash into something.
Despite all this, I mostly managed to keep my cool, though with less self control I probably would have been screaming the entire time.
-Car jerks forward-
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAH -Slams brakes-
Mom: Okay you just stopped the car, so you have to start it again now.
Me: -Turns key- -Car makes noise- AAAAAAAAAAAH
Well actually, that sort of did happen, except I didn't scream loudly.
Ugh. I don't want to learn how to drive...
IM pros and cons...
Monday, August 8, 2011
I use AIM a lot, as you may or may not know/care.
-Less harrowing than making a phone call
-Emotions and body language don't go through
I kind of hate it when I'm feeling serious or just not in the mood for frivolous silly talk, and the person I'm talking to doesn't at all pick up on that. I guess it can't be helped, it being the extremely limited IM form of communication and all, but it does bug me when this happens:
Me: [something serious, possibly saying I'm feeling depressed]
Other person: HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY [other silly things]
I can be silly and random and all that, but I do get tired of it, and then it just seems stupid and irritating.
Of course, I also have to wonder if the other person CAN sense that I'm feeling down or otherwise not in a good mood, and so their attempt to change the subject by being silly is supposed to cheer me up. WHY people think that's a good idea is beyond me, but I guess I can understand if they feel awkward/uncomfortable and don't want to discuss the more serious stuff.
Really though... if the conversation went like this, replacing depression with a pet's death...
Person A: So, my favorite pet died yesterday and I'm having a hard time dealing with it...
Person B: AWW, YOU SHOULD CHEER UP AND BE HAPPY! HERE, LOOK AT THIS FUNNY PICTURE I FOUND ON THE INTERNET. [Basically ignores connotations of other person's statement]
...Doesn't something seem a little off about that? Just saying.
Again, not trying to rag on people for trying to lighten up the mood. There's a time and a place for that though, and sometimes I just want to have a serious discussion (this counts for all serious topics, not just me being depressed). Turn off the silly for a few minutes, y'know.
Home home home
Friday, August 5, 2011
Back from Hawaii, yesiree.
I woke up at around 4 PM "today" (Thursday). :|
What with the three hour time difference between Hawaii and California, I spent most of Wednesday on a plane. (Our flight was at 1:30 PM but it was delayed for a few reasons-- for instance, when we finally boarded it got stuck in a pothole) We arrived in California at around 10:30 PM (local time).
Anyway, I slept a lot on the plane, so I didn't end up going to sleep until after 6 AM Thursday morning. Eek.
Thursday evening/night though, I hung out with Jasper. We attempted to draw some geese at a nearby park for a little while. It was so crazy, you have no idea. The park was FULL of geese. Not the white kind, but the black/brownish/grey kind. It was like there had been a population explosion. There had to have been like, hundreds. I drew... one. XD
Jasper tried to draw me, but he ended up with a Roald Dahl-esque drawing of my face, which I transformed into a peeved grandma type figure. Unfortunately I don't have a picture of it. :(
And then what... hm... oh, we had dinner at an Ethiopian restaurant (yummy as always) and then went to his house and played Rockband. It was my first time, but actually it wasn't too bad! I did vocals, which was sort of hard at times because I didn't know most of the songs... but we pretty much just played ones that I knew anyway, so I did alright (on Easy/Medium level, of course :P). Chris came over after a few songs and he joined in.
We also watched Moon, which was pretty cool. I kept thinking that it was all going to be a mind trick, but it was fairly straight forward... The movie finished sometime after 2 AM, at which point we decided to call it a night. Chris drove me home, and I brushed my teeth and hopped on the computer... and that's basically my day, in a nutshell.
Just a reminder to myself... I need to talk to Silver on AIM at some point. Gotta ask about schools in New York...
The only problem with being completely honest about who you are is that some people are horrible.
Appetite o' mine
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I haven't really had much of an appetite in a month or so. Maybe more. I'm not really keeping track.
It's that ol' chronic depression rearing its head again. Or maybe it just came back from vacation. Back to work, back to work.
Lower that self-esteem, drain that energy, sap that motivation, topple those interests. Nose to the grindstone, Depression dearest.
It's just getting settled in now, so it's mild. Right now it's just on nightshift, for the most part.
Thinking about my take on life, I think I'm optimistic about the future in the short term and pessimistic about it in the long term.
I kind of assume I'll get through with my schooling and have good grades and all that.
I also kind of assume that I'll struggle to find a job and may not be financially independent for awhile after I get out of college. Even then, I might have trouble paying my bills, and unless I marry someone who's pretty well off, I'll probably have to work to support any potential children.
It's not the life I want, but then again, what is?
I probably think about being a nun more than your average nineteen year old agnostic.
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