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Speak to My Finger
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
Friday. 10.21.16 5:22 am
I received a long lecture from a friend about my complaint that friends are not talking to me anymore. His points are

1. I am too straightforward that my words hurt others.
2. My sense of humour is very mismatch. People don't get it.
3. I asked questions like a hawk that people don't like.
4. People here dislike my western oriented educated character.

These words hurt me very painfully.

He asked me to reflect on myself why friends of more than 5 years have ceased talking to me anymore. Or any amount of years. He wanted to me say the problem lies within myself. I do agree that we ourselves sometimes is the cause of the problems.

I knew somewhat myself has been not myself as of this year. Been overworked and underappreciated for coming 10 years has really taken a toll on me. Especially this year. So much of lending my ears n eyes to others that I myself have no where to express such concerns. Do they even appreciate me for being there for them?

I have been trying to be myself and yet I have been told that from the view of art of communication is not somethig allowed. I have to learn how others speak and then talk like them. Have I not known that? Yes, I know but I don't like the topic. Seriously. It is a waste of my time.

And then I realise perhaps people stop communicating with me perhaps

1. They have moved on.
2. They don't like me.

If the latter please don't ever come to me for help neither to listen to your sufferings. No. I am a tired person. I have enough.

So if they don't like me, why do I even want to spend time with them? No wonder people say pets are the best companions. They don't judge maybe because they need a sheltered life.

Yes, I can find new batch of friends but I am not really solving the problem. But what else can I do? I have lived a life that is merely following others and it does not work.

If like this, most of my friends should be deleted from my list.

He also said people would want to get near me because of the resources that I have. Yea, that is also the reason why friends have also stopped talking to me. I agree. Again, please don't find me back. I am very tired in this human shell.

If what I said is true and you cannot accept it isn't it your problem? I can change my straightforwardness whatsoever but the truth is the truth. How do you want to change the truth?

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Untangle Chuck
Tuesday. 10.18.16 9:07 pm
I am totally surprised that Chuck can sing so well!!! His voice is nice!!! I like this duet. So soothing.

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It's October
Sunday. 10.2.16 10:46 am
It's been a long time I didn't update the blog.

I remember to update but it's just I have a lot of things personal that I cannot share. One of the things I perhaps can talk about is something repetitive. Anyways let's talk about something new.

I went to a nature retreat for the weekend for some training. The place is horrible. There was no shower room. The toilet cubicles have no lock. The chalet's door was broken. There was no light in the room. The stand lamp was covered with cob web. The roof was leaking and it leaked onto my roomie's pillow. There was a satin cloth hanging on the ceiling but it was torn so badly that it can just come down on us any time. The carpet was dirty. My feet was itchy. The pillow was horrible. The blanket was like not white. The cutlery was just left out in the nature with lots of dust.

It was dirty over whole.

I brought my own bed sheet so I was lucky. So how did I shower? I shower in the river. Some parents really don't know how to teach kids. They let their kids dunk into the river which extremely irritated me on the other end trying to shampoo my body.

I would never ever return to that chalet.

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Long time ago
Wednesday. 9.21.16 7:57 am
I suddenly remember how bad I failed at a voice over casting like 9 years ago.

I don't understand the character at all. I was immature and I just tried my luck. I forgotten my role was a cicada. But I didn't know what was cicada until I watched some anime.. Then I finally knew cicada makes high pitch tunes. But then it was too late.

But then I made friends with other failures too. HAHA. I am still keeping in touch with one of them. I have lost touched with the other who is a celebrity. I think he didn't go online on FB anymore.

I was thinking of going casting again and see where it will take me to.

It's time to have different experience in life!

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Happy Purrday!
Monday, September 19, 2016
Well it was my birthday yesterday and I was down with flu and slight cough.

But still I persisted with my feeling of dying to rest because I was matchmaking my friends on my birthday. I hope they will have a happy ending.

Why did not I match make myself? Because I never feel insecure being with myself. It would be great to have a life partner but I shall not compromise on the quality that I am looking for.

And yes a handsome guy from those anime/manga would be great but I know how to differentiate fantasy and reality. And no I don't chase after a fantasy love. Nor do I encourage anyone doing so because we live in the present. Nor do I want to 'joke' about a person's love life in a joking style because it's obviously does not sound a joke. That's a form of sabotage. Especially when the 'HAHA' is added. No. 1+1=2. Try rotating the 1s is still the same...

I can't get a life partner because I have too high standard? Ok, people should have thought whether they have previous relationships or not. If yes, why did the first relationship ended? Did not these people have high standard too? If 'simple' standard, should have had settled as in married within the first few days of the start of the relationship right?

Too subjective.

Anyways, I am happy being myself! Happy birthday to myself!!

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Happy news not so happy
Wednesday. 8.31.16 9:45 am
You see when you have happy news, you would just like to share with all selected friends right?

So do I. You just want to share that fucking happy news because you just wanna share your smile with those chosen ones regardless of the benefits.

So I did. And the response was upsetting. I was simply hurt because I just simply wanna share something happy.

Well, I got another sponsored trip to Japan again last week (I came back already) to chaperone a kid to attend an event in Hiroshima. I said yes to the opportunity for a working holiday again.

And I shared this news with my close confidante. I initially did not want because I know this person did not even go on holiday for a long time because he 'cannot' afford even though he is very rich. If I were to tell him this news, I know he will flip. And yes he did.

The first thing that came out in the chat was along the line "You don't seem to care about your future. I thought you wanted to save? So it is not your plan any more?" That hurts, my friend. Actually these were the words said.

I care about my future but I also care about my health. My stress level was so high that all I wanted was a breather. Am I not allowed to have one? You are fucking lucky to have a breather when you work freelance and you have all the necessary things ever ready for you daily and you don't even need to work for them - hard compare to other people your age. You got two maids to help you out and god knows who paid their salary and you got inheritance indirectly. You got the time in the world indirectly. And whenever I have the time, I am just damn fucking tired and all I want is to breathe normally. So do you even understand my situation?

No you don't. Don't even try. Because if you have tried, you would know the pain. I bet many people like you will just shrug and say 'luckily is not me'. That is why I said your cats are doing better than me.

The hurt is raw on my wounds. I kept reflecting. If I want to bring in God to the context, I would say God takes good care of me by giving me monetary in kinds. This is in turn translates into experience. I know this friend of mine resisted all temptations to go on holiday despite having the money to do so. I think that is why he finds it amusing that someone so much poorer than him is globetrotting at the expense of the future.

Well, it is clearly an opportunity cost for me. But I have also calculated the financial risk before going. And it is free, why not go?

Whatever it is, I realise we all have the freedom of choice to choose. It really depends on what we want in life. I chose experience over building wealth. Do I regret of this decision? I used to, a lot. I used to feel guilty after spending something on myself and then I will just beat up myself. Then I will start to compare myself with others like him and then demotivate myself. But this time I did not because such opportunity only comes once. Free stuff does not always come to me either. I got to hunt for them because things just do not fall from the sky. By the way, when I get something for free it is also a gesture of appreciation from the person who gives. You buy your friend a lunch because you want to because you appreciate her fucking existence.

My knowledge may not be on par as you but I am proud of my own experience. I have been to many countries. I have a lot of international friends. I have met an asian royal heir. I have done many things. So did you. You have also a lot of different experience than me too. So why the discrimination?

Yes I agree that it is weird for me to chaperone instead of the guardian. It is risky and dangerous. I seriously never thought of that. I only thought what a privilege job to bear the safety of the kid. All I saw was the positive side of the trip. Nothing more than that. To me it was common to hear participants get escorted to places which I had experienced before.

Anyways, again, my complaint here is it fun to instil fear until paralyses someone to move forward? I am trying my best to save for the future. Why not instead encourage me to save??

A friend of mine commented that he could have said it out of concern. I agree but I have also said that tone would not work instead it can drive depression people to increase their emotional instability. That is because his words from years ago could have driven me to suicide. And I have told him that already!

Anyways, cutting it short, just be happy for others. Sometimes don't discount on the opportunities that come our way.

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