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The porch test
Saturday. 4.7.18 2:32 pm
Today, I miss my ex.

I just miss the connection we had. I donít have feelings for him anymore to be quite honest. But, I remember how connected I felt to him. Our laughter was genuine, our desire to be around eachother all the time was real. I remember things from when we first started dating that I completely forgot about: staying in marriot hotels, having too loud of uuhh, you know what, that our neighbors banged on our wall. The time we went dumpster diving for makeup (lol, Iím a weirdo I know). How he used to take a 2 hour bus ride to see me, because his car wouldnít make it.

I know our relationship had very, very sad times. I wasnít happy with myself, and I lost myself trying to get Chris to better his life. Thatís what I donít miss about our relationship, and why I donít want him back at this time. But, everything else? It was amazing. He cheated, but I wonder if I would have forgiven him if he had his life together. My sister in law believes we would still be together if he just tweaked some stuff about himself: if he ate healthy, had his future laid out, and if he was confident in himself, we would be together. Maybe sheís right, maybe I would have forgiven it. But at this time, Iím glad we broke up. All I know is, I can breathe better these days.

Still, is is weird that I can see myself with Chris when we are both old and grey? I imagine us having kids and a different life with other people. Him happy with the woman he falls in love with. Has cute Korean babies, and I would comment on his Facebook at how smart they are for getting honor role again. And he would complement how my daughters look exactly like me, and congratulate them on their dance competitions (hahaha, Iím so lame). anyways, we would be happy for eachother and still keep in touch every now and then.

Then, when we are old and our lovers passed, our kids are grown and we having nothing left: I see Chris and I, sitting on the porch together laughing about the good old days. I can see us smiling and holding hands, just happy to be next to eachother. All the things we found so serious, we would find trivial. he passes my porch test, and I think he always will. He swears we are soul mates still, and wants to eventually get back together. In this sense, he might be right. Is he my soulmate? Will we end up together when we are old and grey? Is this a creepy dreamer blog that everyone will roll their eyes at? Iím not so sure lol.

Anyways, the guy Iím dating is cool, but thereís a spark missing I think. I want that spark, one even brighter and bigger than Chris and I had. Hopefully I find it.

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my date was amazing.
Friday. 3.23.18 5:18 am
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