I saw the first half of the 4-hour premiere of 24 last night. Jack Bauer is a great warrior.

Facts about Jack Bauer
Purloined from bluetopaz

1. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
2. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
3. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
4. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
5. Children don't believe in Santa anymore because they know Jack Bauer killed him. The few people that believe in Santa know that Jack Bauer is torturing him.
6. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
7. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
8. Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...you don't wanna know...
9. Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.
10. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
11. If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fucked.
12. If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
13. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
14. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
15. Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
16. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
17. Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
18. While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
19. David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
20. If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost.
21. Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
22. Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
23. Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
24. As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
25. Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.
26. Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
27. Jack Bauer shouldn't be compared to Jesus. Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.
28. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
29. Jack Bauer hates casual conversation. He prefers bullets.
30. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

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As Aristotle once said to his pupil, hippopotamus, "Impossible is nothing." Well, today I say: "Nothing is impossible."

After several years of relentless searching... through the deepest, darkest caverns of Brazil to the highest, mightiest mountains of Brazil... I finally found myself a copy of Foo Fighters' A320 live.



Anyway, I decided to organize my mp3s and put some good use to my secret page... now formally known as "foo boots." I also have "guess the foo fighters song" game in my gallery.

This post is sponsored by RockThirst.com. Get the latest news in rock and download full concerts.

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It was no imprecation notched in my path to destiny that brought me inside Wegman's supermarket. No, it was not, but I will not attempt to offer any suitable exegesis to lay clarity upon this situation.

Anyway, I was wondering around, and in the sea/prepared meats section (I'm sure there's an official term for this section), I saw these humongous shrimp. I'm not even joking -- these were like the size of fat hot dog buns. They were soo big for shrimp. When I showed my mom, she laughed. They were expensive as hell too... I think $14.99/lb if I remembered correctly.

So, anyway, I decided to try and find images of them online to show you all. And then it happened.

What I thought would be just an innocent quick search on Google... brought me into this fucked up, surreal, underground, online society of the giant shrimps. (And no, this will not end up as some convoluted reference to the Cornell shrimp-faced ungraduate.)

Let us hold hands and travel together on a most terrible voyage . . .


upon entering the world of the giants, I met the Gomek family, feasting on the remains of a giant flamingo. . . they asked me to join them . . . I said 'no way you sick bastards,' and I carried on . . .


I broke through the storm troopers and chased down the giant shrimp men on their getaway bikes, but it was a trap . . .


they led me to their boss, mister shrimpster . . . he was an admirable foe, but he was a shrimp nonetheless, so I kicked his ass and broke into the Fortress of a Thousand Shrimp . . .




victory at last!
I hope you enjoyed this voyage and will always remember never to underestimate the giant shrimp or their allies.

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Christmas has come and gone like the hairless winds of Narnia. So this Christmas, all I got were edible USB drives. Have a look:




And now, a list of random videos courtesy of Google:

1. high quality mercedes
2. song w/ meaningful lyrics
3. my apprentices
4. and another apprentice
4b,c. failed apprentice 1, oh man, wtf, please don't embarass yourself and me
Actually, on a more serious note, I'm trying to learn that song. I'm up to ~1:32... 4 more minutes to go.

I've (well, not officially) launched one of my sites already. It's a rock news site. If know a lot of about rock music, let me know if you wanna help! I can certainly use it!

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It's true, it's true. I have moved to Pennsylvania, where a car only needs to carry one license plate, and it's on the hind end. I am now a Quaker.

Anyway, it's winter break. Half of grad school has passed, and good riddance. This winter break, I will make the following resolutions:
1. must launch 10 websites (and that is not intended to be binary)
2. read 5+ books
3. organize my new room
With these resolutions now set in stone (as we all know, everything I type on my NuTang is analogous to being set in stone), I must do what no man has ever done before.

Remember folks, be chill w/ the grill.

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I have 2 amazing things to share with you.

First, is an amazing accomplishment. And, the amazing accomplishment is that I only did my laundry 3 times this semester! Next semester, I will strive to top that. I dare you to do the same.

The second amazing thing is a tale of 1 city... the magical city of San Francisco. As hardly anyone is aware of, I visited my friend, Mr. Chin, about 20 days ago, in the city of San Fran.

While in San Fran, I visited the very touristy spot called Fisherman's Wharf. Much to much disappointment, I encountered no peg-appendaged shriveled victims of the sea.


However, what I did encounter was a civilization of sea lions.


And, as we all know, sea lions are among the wealthiest creatures in this world. Who knows how they've come to gain such wealth? I think they're pirates.

But, anyway, my greed got the best of my judgment, and before I even knew it, I
was dressed up in a sea lion's outfit and had infiltrated their civilization. I followed the line of sea lion guards making their rounds around the main palace, where the king sea lion lived with his bevvy of sea lionesses. During the changing of shifts, I slipped past the main door and found myself inside the palace.

And yes! much to no one's surprise, the inside of this palace was the most ornate, ridiculously decorated place I've ever seen. Even more so than my dorm. The walls were made of gold, studded with diamonds, emeralds, and petrified mammoth feces. I instinctively ran towards the wall and started to rip out of pieces of gold and stuff it down my pants.

After I successfully tore apart 20 feet of gold wall, the guards caught on to my mischievous actions. I found myself in a very precarious situation. I was surrounded by an army of well trained sea lion warriors. These were the sea lion king's top lions.

One of the greatest battles of all time ensued.

I snapped so many sea lion necks. I punched my fist through so many sea lion chests. I gouged out so many sea lion eyes. There was so much bloody lard everywhere!

But in the end, I lost. I was brought to court and found guilty of animal abuse. By late afternoon, I was locked up in Alcatraz.

In prison, I met a mysterious young man by the name of Michael Scofield. I told him my sad tale and he listened silently, like a rock with no grooves. Then he looked at me, squinted, and said "What if I told you I could get you out of here?"

Me: "Break out of this prison?! That's impossible."
Fish (Scofield): "You see those walls?"
Me: "Yea."
Fish: "Those walls are 20 feet thick of solid concrete."
Me: "Okay."
Fish: "All we need to do is get to the other side of that wall and we're free."
Me: "I don't get it."
Fish: "Trust me. I just need to borrow your glasses and at 8:19 we will break out of here."

And then it happened...
The sun set over the Pacific and the moon came up. At exactly 8:19, a whale jumped out of the water (just as Michael had predicted by looking at his tattoos) and the moon light bounced off of the whale's left eye onto the right lense of my glasses. My lense then quickly heated up and created an energy field around itself.

Meanwhile, Michael Scofield took some dust from the prison floor and rubbed it over his chest. The dust and his tattoos caused a chemical reaction and yielded the rare gas oxyglycose nalaogen, otherwise known as "cute gas." He then in instructed me to hold up the energy field over the "cute gas" for 28 seconds.

At the end of the 28 seconds, Michael Scofield pulled a hammer out of his ear and a herd of rabbits popped out of the ground suddenly and began to eat their ways through the stone wall. He squinted and muttered "Perfect." I looked at him and said, "Carry on my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are gone."


After we broke out of prison, I returned to Ithaca. I swore to myself, though, that one day I will return to San Fran. I will return to the Fisherman's Wharf and get revenge of those wretched sea lions that have become the bane of my existence.

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