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new good movie
Thursday. 10.7.04 10:55 pm
i finally saw the new resident evil. loved the games, loved the first movie, love the sequel. people are criticizing the parts like where she flies through the window on the motorcycle and blows all the shit up. and sure ti is a little cheesy. but its awesome. come on im a guy and i like explosions and motors and the ladies and guns. so i saw no problem with such parts.

i love movies that are all about survival, especially when EVERYONE is dead or dying. these apocolypitc movies with zombies and shit are great. everyone is dying and you have to kill them to stay alive. thats survival bitches. achieved by the strong and stupidly lucky. death is a part of life and must be brought on sometime to ensure survival. im usually pretty nonviolent but i know its needed sometimes. if some dude is running at me with a knife and i know hes going to stab me and i have a gun guess whos gettin shot. sometimes you have to kill to stay alive.

it makes me think about the vegetarians and how they hate animals dying. im wrong for eating beef, but the lion is fine for eating a zebra. they say 'animals should not be used for food' so that means all the carnivores in the animal kingdom (not even including us because we are part of that kingdom, we just like to think we run that kingdom) would starve. what would you call an ant-eater if they couldnt eat ants anymore? i dont think people really put much thought into their lifestyles.

and THEN they're like dont kill animals and save the trees. now if you believe in that then think about this. you dont eat animals, thats cool. so you eat vegetables, fruits, and grains. hmmm, arent all three of those plants like trees? corn is grown to be picked, eaten, then grown the next year to do the same. they have tree farms that are used the same way. and some of these forests that are coming down because of urbanization wouldnt happen if we had a little better population control, like not banning abortion. and alot of that deforestation isnt even for houses, its for crap like colf courses and PETA buildings. i think to regain that whole 'living with nature' people have to give up their greed, which includes the greed for attention, by doing things like waving banners in the faces of people that really dont give a fuck. a vegetarian may be quick to tell you all the reasons for her choice and why youre so wrong when you didnt ask, but if they had to sit and listen to the complaints and protests of every person she ever met, she wouldnt give a flying fuck about most of em. so what makes you think everyone cares about yours.

i know we all have the right to protest and speak freely, and im not by any means saying such rights should be revoked. im just saying shut the fuck up. if you have something to say i think you should put it out to a place where people who want to learn more can go see it. i do nothing but bitch and rant and rave here, but im not at your school or work or shopping next to you in walmart with a bullhorn saying GO TO MY SHIT AND WORSHIP WHAT I SAY. shit i know all of like 3 people read this, i dont have these thoughts and ideas i bitch about just to get everyones attention. i mainly bitch about how i dont want it. i hate when complete strangers come up and are like 'i havent eaten meat in 4 years' zip-a-dee-shit. ive been eating meat for 20 years. i dont have a pin saying so. cause no one gives a damn.

im happy for my friends and people i care about that do these things. credit to them for believing in something and sticking to it. but honestly heres how i look at it: if its 'natural' for us not to eat meat, then it really wouldnt be a huge feat to not eat meat, thus you wouldnt get all excited or keep track of the last time you did eat meat. not eating dirt is natural, but most people have done it once as a child, but we didnt write down the date and remember it because its natural so its not really exciting. ive got nothing against vegetarians, what you eat is your goddamn business. but what i eat is my business. so i hate these people all in my face like im some evil fuck because they made a choice probably without thinking too deeply about it. just because you know alot of people doing something doesnt mean it makes sense. the no carb diet is a perfect example. i love when people say how dumb the average person is then follow the huge groups of people.

and in closing; i think some day we'll live on different planets, with regulated oxygen, and you would have to buy it to live on that planet. Air will not be free on such a day.

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Wednesday. 10.6.04 11:15 pm
rock on. i just got back from the kittie / otep / crisis concert. we missed crisis but caught otep. i love rock bands with female singers. this was the first time i heard otep and they rock so good. all except for her one rape song but i always hate those songs. i dont hate the songs, just the actions being sung about. korns 'daddy' on their first album rocks but the subject at hand is boo. but it is awesome for them to have the strength to get up there and sing about the stuff, although the singer of otep looked like it took alot of emotion to sing the song. it may be an act because she sings it probably everyother nite but id have no idea.

kittie naturally rocked. they played mostly shit from their new cd which is fine because i love it. and the played charlotte. but, THEY DIDNT PLAY INTO THE DARKNESS. goddammit im still pissed. i love that song more than most songs ever made. and they were right there! so pissed. but besides that it was fun.

after the show we hung around out back til the bands were leaving to get signatures. everyones all rushin around takin pictures and crap. i just walked up and hugged mercedes and got a signature. thats all i wanted the whole night. you keep your brittney spears and christina aguilera, give me mother lovin mercedes lander. i know everyone goes for the lead singer. fuck that, give me the drummer rockin out in the back. i always thought she was hot, then in person shes all nice and cool as hell. i asked her why they didnt play it and she said she doesnt know why its not on the bill. damn id love to hear that song live

the crowd was real funny. EVERYBODY was in all black. and it was real funny that i wore my old slipknot shirt to work, and just happened to change before i went to lancaster, because there were at least 30 people with slipknot shirts on. i hate looking like other people. i felt bad enough cause i have the scruffy beard, the big chain, and some wide legs on. but i also had my trademark bucket and a non-black not-rock-band t-shirt. so i felt different enough. plus i knew the lyrics which no one esle seemed to.

i dont know why i have to be so different. maybe its because subconciously i hate everyone because theyre all idiots so i dont want to be part of that. it doesnt make sense, im surrounded by people who are all into the same music i am, and theres all these broads there that have those looks and styles i find real attractive. yet im still like fuck all these people. then i get pissed cuz im alone which doesnt make sense. then i dont talk to girls, then i feel lonely like i need love, THEN im like well i dont want anything all serious and shit. this is why i hate losing the friends i have, i dont want to meet new people. but then sometimes its fun, because they dont know how crazy you are right away. the more they hang out with you the more the crazy seeps in. but then the more people like me because of it. so either i make a bad first impression and people are like 'gees, this guy' or they get to know me and they're like 'gees, this guy'

its hard to tell what people think of you sometimes. and other times its not. if you keep trying to call and hang out with a friend and they always seem to not have time for you then its kind of obvious how they feel. or if they call you at noon, and you say youre busy all nite, then they call at 5 and again at 9 to see if anything changed so they can hang out with you, then its obvious how they feel. i love my friends like those in lancaster who always want to hang out, but like if they call and im busy they're like eh whatever call us tomarrow or whenever you can come down. i used to be real bad at that. if id call to hang out with someone and they couldnt/wouldnt id take it so bad. 'ah she hates me, shes going to hang with someone cooler, im no fun everyone hates me' which could have started my untrust and unliking of people but hey, i like chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream

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mental mischief
Wednesday. 9.22.04 3:46 pm
nothing drives us like desire. most actions we do are an effort for what we desire. wheteher it be survival or power or other things most things we do, consciencely or not are steps towards that which we desire. the problem with many people is that they dont know what they desire. or they take a wrong action to reach what they do desire. i think part of why i have no shame in my actions and no regrets are because im open, and honest with my desires.

and i desire the two basic things everyone desires: survival and power. of course i desire happiness but broken down, these things make me happy and create new options to be happy. obviously if you're dead you cant do pleasurable things, except lay there. and having power is its own form of happiness. for me, striving to gain said power, and overcoming the challenges required makes me happy. i dont like pain, i dont like volunteering myself into shitty situations, but that is not what i look at when i make descions on what actions i will take. i want to be able to run fast so i run at nite. and it usually sucks, either its hot or cold, im already tired from work, my legs get sore, and i know ill feel all these pains once i step off the porch. but my desire for that strength, that power, keeps me going. and ill go right into it without hesitation. i accept the pain because i know the positive outcomes. always running from pain will make life that much more painful.

now im not slit-my-wrist-goth or anything mind you. i personally see no positive outcome from cutting myself. if i have a huge calise or something than its a different story. but i see no gain from intentionally causing that pain to yourself. but i guess its usually to get attention from others which is a source of power; the ability to gain peoples intrests and concerns and to a point control how they think about you by creating an image of yourself so they believe you are that. but fuck that. act like superman and make people think you are a superhero or something. be interesting.

but back to the point. i definatelty desire power, its natural. but i feel i dont take it beyond a natural extreme. and i dont want any kind of malicious power. i feel knowledge is power and that is my main area i strive to improve. i love learning new things, whether its taught to me or i figured it out myself. nothing is like the feeling of figuring out something extremely complicated on your own. it gives you a feeling of power, without causing harm, or stepping on anyone in the process. self growth is where its at mother fuckers, which means no selfhelp books (which isnt self if someone else tell you what works for you. jesus you people) no copying other people, no asking someone how you should live your life or what actions you should do to make yourself happy. this is probably why im so antisocial all the time. the less i hear others say, the more genuine truth i can discover myself.

i also like the power to make others happy. i do this now by using a skill/knowledge i have that they dont. im steady fixin people computers, or doing physical labor for them that they cant do, or just giving my own personal advice. i feel my brain and my general open way of thinking is power in itsself. ill always give someone a comptelely open view on something even if its not what they want to hear (which is why i hate when people ask me 'does this make me look fat' why bring out the asshole in me?) i also like the ability to make people smile. i think im funny and i can make people laugh. i also think sometimes im good at cheering people up. and usually its the small shit like holding the door for someone or letting the person in oncoming traffic, who doesnt get the arrow, turn in front of you. comeone it costs you 2 seconds but can save him a whole light cycle. thats power. brightening someones day. most people want some sort of power to affect others lives. which is why people are so mean. no one wants the 'hard road' of sacrificing time or energy to help someone life. instead they cop out and take the power to make fun of someone, or throw something at someone, or some dickhead prank to completely ruin someones day. way to go, you have the same power that 6 year olds have. and if youre contepmt with that then fine, but when people talk about 'the strong survive' and you arent qualified, i dont want to hear bitching.

because i desire these powers i work to get them. im bustin my ass 60 hours a week so i can go back to school and gain more knowledge. and i will do more 60 hour weeks next summer so i can move to england and get a whole new world of knowledge. and hopefully meet new people who have the same power desires i have. im hoping the atlantic separates the silly from the cool. i hate people.

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the city
Monday. 9.20.04 5:11 pm
I love the city. Just driving home from work i saw little kids throwing a football through a basketball hoop, a 'gang' of 12 year olds sittin on a stoop like they're 25, a real fat broad with a 'hottie' shirt, multiple cars on cement blocks, 2 tire boots (when the city is about to repo your car) crackheads, whores, and like 4 kids chasing a dog.

Its great. people toss around the term porch monkey, but you know what rocks? comin home from a long days work, gettin some food and a drink, and just chillin on the porch. theres always somethin interesting goin on. either its little kids chasing a bum, or a stray dog is just walkin minding his own business and everyones jumping on the rooves of cars, or theres one broad up the street yelling at another lady down the street. and not yelling AT her, they're just having a conversation 10 houses apart. yes thats why theres phones, but why use those when all of market st. can hear what jamillas boyfriend did this time.

i always get made fun of for being like the only white person around. which sucks when it comes to the ladies. not that i wouldnt date a black girl but around here, what are we gonna talk about? "shit that nigga got locked up again" ... "thats cool, did you se slipknots new video?" its always funny. i have more black friends than white but its always weird talking to a girl from 'the hood' and i hate saying that or being asked about it. white people should never say the hood. i do live in the ghetto. i think ghetto just means a dirty place and that is here. but you could say hood because a few weeks ago someone definately got shot in the back of the head on their porch 6 houses up the street.

but youll have this. and it wasnt random violence, it was two friends over moeny or somethin like that. people always ask if im scared livin here, and i say no because usually no one starts crap for nothing. its either because they know you and theres some kind of drama between you 2, or they think you have something they want. for instance, if you have a bunch of jewelry it looks like you have money so someone may want to steal it. or if youre some big tough lookin mother fucker someone may start a fight just to prove to their friends that they can beat you. i look poor as hell and no one will get any respect from kicking my ass so i usually dont get hassled. some poeple say things just do get under your skin but its all about how you handle it.

i cant count the number of times i walked to new york fried chicken (yes us white people love it too) and someone for the hell of it will say 'hey whiteboy, you crazy' and i can run away scared, or get all pissed off and say something dumb. or i can laugh and say something funny back and theyll laugh and its not a situation. just a crackhead talkin to crackheads. thats how i got through school. everyone out of the city thinks my schools were all fighting and nothin else. and yeah there were a shit load of fights, but never random. it was always because of someone doing something done. sure people push but you have to push back without being extreme. ill walk down the hall, some guy says 'hey white boy, you know i fucked ya mom right?' and ill say 'thats cool, at least my mom has a job' and itll be funny. then hell laugh and say 'whiteboy you crazy' and nothing comes of it. its all about how you handle yourself. i never walked around like 'oh im gonna kick everyones ass' but i also didnt walk around like 'oh please dont kick my ass'

i would just walk down the hall mindin my own business doing what i would do. its hard to imagine that me in a school of 3000 black kids got through by just being myself. but its how it happened. i would wear my hat and listen to my headphones and skip class because its what i felt like doing. and id get in as much trouble as everyone else and so in my own way i was like everyone else. of course i got picked on. i wore korn shirts to a school and i was one of like 5 white kids. they werent used to that so theyd poke fun. and id poke fun right back without being retarded and thats how i made alot of my friends. everyone gets picked on somehow but its all about how you handle yourself. if you run and cry, then thats the kind of person you are, and everyone will treat you like that. if you think youre all bad ass and you can beat everyone up, then everyone will beat the shit out of you to prove you wrong.

school is the best example of the natural instinct for gaining power. thats why theres so many bullies. if someone can scare you, then they are getting power and will continue to do so. and you want power, the power to override that bully but you cant. and thats just part of survival of the fittest. everyone cant have power, or else there would be no such thing as power. balance mofos. so i guess you have to compromise and make a descision. either youre a fighter or youre not. or you take some alternate route. i had the power of wit and easy goingness so i didnt have bullies, and i was not a bully. so i think if everyone discovers what they have power in, find their strengths, then theyll get by the way they were meant to get by. but if you dont accept who you are than you can deny what your powers are. so denying yourself can make you weak. if i wasnt as white as i am in school, i would have gotten the shit kicked out of me. so many wiggers showed up, then got beat down trying to be black and their life was shit. i was just myself, although i was still discovering at that age who i was, but i got by just being, myself. i know it sounds like an afterschool special but its been my experience and i believe it

naturally it wasnt easy but life isnt. there is no easy way. you can make it easier though. if youre in a bad situation there probably something you can do to fix it. if you are living happily, then theres work you need to do to keep living that way. nothings free, so i disagree that the best things in life are free. the best things you have, you earned. through struggle and hard work. but that is what defines us. you have to work to get the things you want. if you dont want much, then you dont have to sweat much. if you want the world, you have to take on a world of work. the sooner people realize that you have to earn the things you want, the sooner streets will clean up, and thered be less jealousy and greed and all that. everyone wants the easy way. one day diets and crap. run, eat better, sacrifice to get that goal. life is balance. you sit at the center point. if you want to put something on the scale in the positive direction (losing weight) you need something on the other side (excercise, diet, resisting temptations) and if you succeed, then you get your goal and come out a stronger person. i dont know why people are so afraid of hard work. people smoke crack

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Thursday. 9.16.04 3:32 pm
i dont know why but i was thinking about something i learned visiting a cave once. they said that if you live in the cave and heard only the steady dripping of water, then after a few months youd go legally insane. which is awesome if someone pissed you off and you dont want to kill them, just have them caved-in in the cave (HA! pun) but i was thinkin more about the insane part.

i think our whole world is based on balance and everything we know is perception. also all things that start end, what goes up must come down, cause and effect, and so on which is all essentialy balance. so to always hear that drip you would think 'damn it has to end sometime' but it wouldnt. usually things you see begin, you also see them end. so you would be expecting it to stop and it never would and you would go crazy as a result. we have the perception of the world that balance is everywhere (whether we realize it or not) so then you would see something breaking that universal law and it would make you snap after a while.

and really i think true craziness is just incorrect perception. you see a 6 foot squirrell mummy with pepperonies where its nipples should be, and its not really there. thus you are dubbed crazy. or you hear voices that dont exist, or you have a misguided perception of yourself. if i said i was abraham washinator, a mix of abe lincoln, george washington, and the terminator, youd all call me crazy. and rightfully so because my perception of myself would be way off from reality.

but essentially reality, as defined by an individual, is what that person perceives. so anyone 'crazy' is thinking 'hey this is how it is, you are all crazy' because its what that person sees. what else would he think? i think true insanity, or stupidity, is believing something is real that you cant perceive. i know this beer bottles here in front of me. i know i want to look at porn. i dont know if theres a magic man in the clouds who says i need to sacrifice a bull to please him because i am 'unclean' by being in contact with a girl during her 'period of uncleanliness' (its all in Leviticus) and since i dont know that, i wont do any of that. if you want to believe all that, then cool. but have you noticed how fanatical alot of these religious freaks are. they believe something so strongly that they cannot perceive. and thus cannot prove so they go crazy. like that guy that just cut his own sons penis because the bible says so.

im not even gonna ask whats wrong with that guy because i know: hes crazy. his reality is based on something he cannot perceive first hand so he does irrational things. and alot of times thats cool, but not when you harm others as a reslut. if you believe the lion fairy from the 4th moon of plagroth is giving birth in your sock drawer and you want to bring her a glass of water thats cool. i dont care. its not harming anyone else so its not as bad of a crazy. i just wouldnt let you touch any of my stuff.

but how can we say these people are wrong? they see something, we dont see it. we cant prove to that person that it isnt there because they see it, just like that cant prove that it is there because we cannot see it. so whos right? this is why i feel psychologists and mental ward people are as useless as politicians. grant it there are some people that are just very unhealthily detached from the commonly understood realities, and they are dangerous to themselves and others as a result. but there are so many 'normal people' as defined by everyone else that are this same way. i hate to pick on the religous but they are in the forefront.

they say it takes a 'leap of faith' to believe the things you cant see. but the mormons, christians, and what ever other religions all say that. so whos right? if you all jump of different bridges you're all gonna die anyway, so what does it matter? from what you perceive, your bridge is right. from what bill perceives, his bridge is right. so you will both war with each other with no possible good outcome because you both perceive things differently. thats why there will never be world peace. bob sees it as ok to fuck jim. Reverend Toejam perceives it as an abomination.the two people will never see the situation the same way. so the only way to keep peace is to segregate those people. segregation, more along the lines of equal separation, is not a bad thing. it would prevent so many hate crimes its crazy. back in the middle of the centruy the blacks were segregated from the whites and there was a bunch of crap as a result. but if they remained segregated, but treated equally, there wouldnt be all those church burnings and hangings and crap. i think that shit shouldnt have happened anyway but people are crazy. the crackers perceived the homies as inferior and treated them as such. the homies didnt see it that way so there was a battle.

but as a result of the two groups being together, and surviving that battle, there is so much less prejudice now than there was then. and in enough time (as its starting to be this way now) all the perjudice against gays will die down. 100 years from now, we as a people will look back and say 'i cant believe those assholes didnt let gays get married' thats because as the warring groups spend more time with each other they get a better, more accurate perception of the other group. so as the perception gets better, the insanity dissapates. so if you know someone whos crazy theres a chance they can come back. you just have to give them a better perception (which takes time) of the way things really are. but that doesnt mean changing someone to believe your craziness (*ahem CHURCH) so if everyone just looks at the world openly and unbiased, then it will all make more sense and be less crazy. nothing keeps a mind together like openess (thats a BC qoute bitch)

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Wednesday. 9.15.04 5:44 pm
holy shit, the sun is still up and im home from work. it wont be up for long but this is still rare. so philosophy for the day. we're driving the truck around and we see this chick diggin her nose. she looks over and its obvious we saw her, and it looks like she starts flippin out. her face turns spanked-ass red, shes covering her face, and she looks all out embarressed as hell. and we're thinkin who cares? everyone picks their nose, we have to. your nose and mucas are an air filter for your lungs and we have to clean it our regularly. no one laughs at you for changing the air filter in your car or vacuum. so why do people get all embarrassed about it?

its like people being self-consience about bowel movements. come on, we all poop. ive started many stories with "so i was poopin, and..." we all do it. now i may not want to hear about it when im eatin, and i dont want to hear details. but i think its funny when someone has to gossy up the terminology for poopin when someones asks what they were doin. "i was answering natures call!!1!" fuck that. "hey where were you?"... "takin a shit" end of story. i dont think 'softer language' takes any emphasis away from the action at hand. girls like to say 'i was exploring' when they sleep with a guy who is not her boyfriend. dont soften it up bitch, you were cheatin.

people seem to think if they word the action differently than it can seem like they didnt do it. but im an asshole (and i know this) so when i hear someone do that, i say the action as blunt as possible. i think its fun. "hey jeff where were you" ... "oh, um, i was preparing to take a shower" ... "YOU WERE JERKIN OFF! sweet" you're not foolin anyone. and i dont think im being an asshole. everyone is thinking it but they're just not saying it. plus if you get put on the spot like that, then the next time the situation comes up youd be more comfortable to say what you were doing.

masturbation is another big activity that people like to act like they dont do. bullshit. everyone takes care of business. some more than others. i definately do my fair share and i have no problem admitting to it. actually all the time, we'll be at work and eveyrones like 'i can wait to get home and relax' or i 'i cant wait to go home and get out of these boots' and im always like 'man i want to go home and rub off a mean one ... i may think about you' and point to whoever is the most weirded out by the comment. i know goddamn well all the guys i work with are between the ages of 20-25 and if theres one thing the guys in our generation do, its jerk off. any young guy you look at id say theres at least a 96% change we oiled up that day. at least 96%. and it seems the females are just as bad if not worse. i've talked to a couple handfulls of girls that say they often do it multiple times a day, even when they have frequent sex. now i think thats hot to hear but i dont understand why people get so freaked out about such conversations.

again, theres a time and a place for all talking. bills funeral is not the place to talk about shooting a load. but ive seen people talk about animals getting ran over, people being raped, kids being slaughtered, and a bunch of other horrible shit in the news. then as soon as you say 'i saw this porn last nite...' they get all worked up. what the fuck? how can we talk about death for 2 hours but as soon as i mention something that all of us do to a body part(s) that we all have, you get all worked up. jerkin off, throwing up, pickin boogies, scratching; we all do it. but alot of people squirm at the idea of talking about it. i heard a guy say he told his doctor he didnt masturbate because he was too embarrassed. ???. hed be the first guy id tell so he can better figure out whats wrong with me.

everyone is far from perfect. i hate how people make up stories and hide the truth so it looks like they dont do anything wrong. i have no shame so i will tell anyone anything i did all day. they can decide whats wrong or right. and then they can fuck themselves because i dont care who judges my actions. obviously if i did something on my own free will then i didnt see anything wrong with it. so why cover it up? thats where self-doubt and true misery come and ive had enough of that. fuck that. so ill tell you, yeah im gonna stop typing now and rub one off.

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