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Memores acti prudentes futuri

It's easier to complain
but there is beauty in the mundane
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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A little bit of happy hope
Sunday, November 25, 2012
In the midst of all this schoolwork stress, I'm thinking about my future for the first time in years without it being an overwhelmingly negative thing.

As we drove back from Black Friday shopping, my boyfriend and I talked about our aspirations for the future. He talked about a fantasy future where he founds a startup and sells it for millions of dollars, and we use the money to travel the world for a year. Now I'm just dreaming about that. It's nice to be able to have fantasies again, instead of just a general hopelessness about life and the future. It's nice to be able to imagine things and not immediately feel unhappy because of the reminder that they're probably impossible.


I was lucky again on Wednesday. We drew times for presentations right before taking our second midterm in class, and at first I was horrified because I got the very first timeslot on the very first day of presentations, which is Monday the 26th. I hadn't even started my paper yet at that point. But then I managed to trade my time (1:30 PM) with a guy who wanted to go as early as possible, so I ended up with 2:40 PM on 11/26. Well, it turned out that somebody else got that same time, and they put their name down for that slot on the timesheet before I did, so I told the teacher and I got to draw again. Now I'm going on December 5th. :)

...But I just realized I don't remember what time. Oops. Oh well, I guess I can just ask during class.

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Matching hypothesis
Friday, November 23, 2012
Boyfriend: You're so pretty.
Me: Do you know what Matching Hypothesis is?
Boyfriend: No.
Me: It's the idea that people generally end up with people who are about the same as them in terms of physical attractiveness, and that means...
Boyfriend: ...That you're the exception to the rule for being with someone as ugly as me?


He calls me pretty/cute/adorable/beautiful etc. all the time, and I want to compliment him back, but I don't know what to say. I want to raise his self esteem like he's raised mine, but it's hard. :(

Thanksgiving was fun, though very tiring. There were eighteen of us total, and we made way too much food. I honestly don't know how we can possibly finish it all... My mom had me make two batches of mac and cheese, and that was a mistake, I think. It's good and all, but it's going to get tiring very quickly. My boyfriend needs food to put in the empty fridge in his new apartment (he got it two days ago!) though, so I suppose that'll help a little. I still haven't seen his apartment... I kind of want to get him some candles or something as an apartment warming present.

Goal for today/tomorrow (it's Friday... but it's 12:31 AM right now so I feel like it's still Thursday) is to finish my book for Psych and write a 5-7 page report on it. It's a library book due tomorrow and we already renewed it once, so I gotta be speedy. >_< Bleh, homework.

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Dealing with conflict in relationships
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
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Not that I ate there today or anything, but
Friday, November 16, 2012
The food at my school (community college, that is...) is pretty terrible. I had pizza there one time and it might have been like the third worst pizza I've ever had? It was not fully cooked. I kept thinking something was really wrong with the texture and realized it was because it was dough. Gross. I also had a grilled cheese from there because I was hopeful that the pizza was just an anomaly and that turned out to be a mistake. The ratio of cheese to bread was very unpleasant. I can deal with not enough cheese for the bread (which was very very sour sourdough...), but having twice as much cheese as bread is just kind of nauseating.

Maybe they're aspiring to be as bad as real college food. I don't know.

To be honest the food at St. John's wasn't too bad, unless you count the seasonally-sad salad bar. Maybe it's just 'cause I'm from California, but I was perplexed by the offerings of the salad bar during winter. The lettuce was all... not... very fresh... They never had really gross pizza, though, I'll give them that. I guess they can't, being in New York and all. And I did manage to get fat on the grilled cheese, even though it was dry and lukewarm half the time. I guess you could complain that they really stop trying towards the end/beginning of the term though. Like, they really really stop. They just kind of throw whatever is around together and it is not really good.

Okay I don't really miss eating there.

Happy to have shed those ~15 lbs.

It's weird, I felt both fatter and thinner in high school than I do now. I have gotten a teensy bit taller since college, so it's possible that's what makes me feel thinner (same weight as high school, even a little less maybe if you're comparing now to my senior year), but sometimes I poke at myself and wonder if I had (so much) fat in certain areas before. I don't remember. I don't think I'm very fit. Think my metabolism has slowed down since high school, though, maybe? I used to eat more than I do now.

I talked to a transfer counselor at school. If I do things right I should be able to leave after this year. I could have left earlier probably but I didn't know what I was doing/what I wanted to do.

I want broccoli soup from Aqui and chocolate soda and other things.

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Meeting Jon!
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
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A very amateur duet
Saturday, November 10, 2012
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Friday, November 9, 2012
I took a placement test for math today. In all the years I've been at the community college I'm at right now, I never did, because of my aversion to math. (Bad idea, by the way)

So, this past week I've been trying to study for the test. I needed to get a high enough score to place into Statistics, since that's what I need to transfer.

The test was at 9 AM today. It was computerized and multiple choice, so technically I had about a 25% chance of getting each one right.

Unfortunately, I didn't know how to do about 80% of the problems contained in it. At several points I just ended up sitting there and staring blankly, trying not to let panic overwhelm me.

...I drew a walrus saying "it's okay" on my scratch paper. Not sure it helped.

There was a LOT of geometry stuff that I just did not remember. Or well, it felt that way. There were only twenty questions on the test.

By the end I had just about given up on transferring to a four year anytime soon. When the proctor came over to pull up my score, I whispered that I didn't think I did very well and laughed nervously.

But it turned out I got just high enough to get into Stats.

Remember how I wrote an entry awhile ago about feeling lucky?


Still, even though I did well enough, I was so tense afterwards that I could barely breathe. I walked the ~3 miles home, which might have helped a bit.

Yeesh, though.


Boyfriend trimmed his beard!

Isn't he cute? :3

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The not-shady thing I'm doing for money
Friday, November 2, 2012
So I mentioned a few entries back that I watched babies at my parents' church, I think. Well, I've been doing that for a few weeks now. I'm kind of just a sub, so I don't have a static room. Last week I was with two year olds, and the two weeks before that I had one year olds.

Today I had babies again. I hugged babies for money!

I just realized that the first sentence in that line makes it sound like I gave birth, but whatever, you know what I mean.

Getting to hug babies for money is kind of awesome. It's not high paying, but I don't really mind. I make little enough that I don't have to bother with taxes. Woooo. My first paycheck came last week and yeah, that was kind of cool.

I'm also volunteering at school at the child development center with I think three to five year olds, so I'm getting double the experience, I guess. Still kinda awkward, but I'm figuring it out, slowly. Some of them will hold my hand now and actually talk to me, so that's good. >_> (It was my first week this past week, and I see each group of kids at school an hour a day Monday through Thursday)

I like babies. They got my clothes really dirty, though.


This song feels relevant to my life.

Bumps in the road remind us
The worst of the best behind us
Only good things will find us
Me and you

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