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the beginning (a simple seed) ~the classic crime
i left my heart in a plastic box
on the bedside table, it will be locked
til i get home

i'm growing feeble and tired of the world
tired of constantly missing my girl
and i long to smell the sea

the sea...
the sea-yeah

i miss the Pacific Ocean
and the northwestern air
and run each of my fingers
through the strands of her hair

ive been over this country lately
but i've been nowhere it seems, nowhere

but ive found the cure to my landlocked blues
its coming home to you


if a simple seed
gets just what it needs
then a redwood tree can grow
up to a hundred feet
and endure the sleet and the snow

but if my whole life
was wrapped and priced
i wonder what the tag would show
cuz everytime im close to the holy ghost
i let her go

i let her go...

i left my heart in a plastic box
on the bedside table
it will be locked, til i get home

May 2021

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quotes i'd like to save...
-=How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd=- ~Alexander Pope

-=ur the sunshine after the rain, the tylenol to my pain=-~me

-='I'll love you till the ocean
Is folded and hung up to dry=- ~ W.H. Auden

-=live ur life, make ur heaven=- ~me reflecting upon stuff i learned at yfc

-=life isnt measured by the breaths u take, but moreso the number of breaths u take away=-~meggyo's profile
insanity incarnated insideout
Friday. 12.17.04 11:32:31 pm
*sigh*..............i guess i've had a couple hours to vent some steam. at mikes it was in a video game. losing as usual. but um..after that in the car i felt i needed to pound the crap outta my knees just listening to the song....PAIN. by jimmy eat world. kinda funny. it takes my pain away.............................*sigh*....after that one song the music in the car was pretty slow....and i calmed down...calmed way down actually...i took off my glasses....and um...and yeah i felt just utterly alone....i mean yeah...mike brett casey and nick were in the car but...i dunno....... ugh. and at the mall. i was so loud and obnoxious...i just didnt give a shit tonight.. i kept my glasses off very aware of how blind i was as i walked through the mall....i was dead inside..or maybe i'm dead inside and i've been in denial.. was i ever living? when was the last time i was truthfully alive? am i so far gone now, that theres no turning back? im so far gone now..i've been runnin on empty. ....*sigh*...i just feel hopeless. i need a sanctuary...but i've tainted every branch of support that i so luckily have/had. blahh...........................i need to sleep for a few trillion hours.

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it burns with the intensity of a thousand suns
Friday. 12.17.04 6:29:03 pm
jesus mother fucking christ. i just want to go out to see a movie. something which i doubt i really do very often these days. AND WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS? my moms interview starts at 3 and she just now gets out at 6:30? my GOD nobody tests my patience more than my mother fucking does. im gonna say fuck every other fucking second because thats just the kind of fucking mood im in. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHT:IAEH:OIAETO:IAEHTO. ive never punched the keys on this keyboard this hard. holy fuck. i just wanna FUCK SOMETHING UP SO BAD. i mean wow. i've fucked up every fucking else.....A()+WEHRWQEHTOIQ#H(*@(*@(*@^&PUH%OJ#H^OU:K(*&QW#IY^%(*)#QU%)(@#%)(*@Q#Y^.......

it really sucks when ur the bane to ur own fucking existence.
give me the time of day and i'll turn it into the nightmare of a lifetime.
god, u wont know it at first, but when u do, WOW, will it fucking blow.
i cant begin to IMAGINE the depth of all the emotional scarring i've fucking done. i've seriously just thought HEY KEITH U FUCKING SHOULD DIE. and some people obviously think ... well hey dood, nothing is worth killing urself for. I MEAN FUCK. why the hell not right? this is may seem like an obvious cry for fucking attention, but i dunno, i mean i just never really told anybody. ARE YOU LISTENING? WE WROTE A THOUSAND PAGES, AND THEYRE TORN AND ON THE FLOOR........god.... i mean wow. death. first i thought whats to live for i mean jesus christ. i'm just a liar right? a worthless piece of shit, that has zero point in living. talking with courtney definitely clarified THAT possibility. i'm not trying to attack her, this is just me pouring.....when it rains it fucking pours right? god.........yeah. death. just fucking die keith. why are you such an ASSHOLE.FUCK FUCK FUCK. just writing this blog is probably the epitome of asshole-NESS GOD I CANT EVEN PUT INTO WORDS THE FRUSTRATION IM FEELING. MY DAD, HES A CRACK HEAD, with too many children for his own good. MY MOM, *sigh* i just feel numb about my mom. i know she cares about me...and my dad too for that matter...... ughhh....i know that im just going to regret this shit. cuz i really should be grateful for being alive? wow well thats a fucking idea. i have the chance to do whatever i want RIGHT? well god....i had the chance...and what'd i do with it? FUCKED IT UP. i have the chance....... BUT DO I REALLY? i mean really. WHAT DO YOU THINK? DO YOU THINK i'll EVER BE LOOKED UPON WITH ANY KIND OF TRUST? DO I DESERVE ANY KIND OF TRUST? WHAT DO I THINK? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK. I THINK THAT MY LIFE FUCKING SUCKS. THATS WHAT. I FEEL FUCKING SO SHITTY WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND. AND i feel shitty for feeling shitty because i realize that i feel shitty about girlfriends THAT IVE CHEATED ON. MY GOD. THE WHOLE WORLD WILL KNOW AND I JUST CANT SEEM TO GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE AT THE MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AOITHOWIEHTOIW#H^()O:HW#$)(H)(*H^*)$H^HW$OHWENTMSDNTOIJSDHU.....i have my health. and with that health...im taking it to the movies. take out the th dipthong sound and what do u got?


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whippidy whoppidy whoop
Friday. 12.17.04 1:34:45 pm
i got a 20 dollar bill....that no ones ever seen you without make up....ur always made up......

man.......i have no clue as to what i want to write about, nor WHY i even started this entry in the first place. i felt like rambling....i really really need something to do...there was a christmas party today at work....free food. had a few hours of work before the lunch tho....hm. made a pig outta myself. i think i was one of like...5 ppl that went up for seconds......*sigh*.......the weekend is here. AND HOLY CRAP I DONT HAFTA WAKE UP EARLY TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOH!!!!!!!!! goodness...the other day..i wanted to make a blog about music. i was feeling kinda flustered. so i sat down with my guitar....n just strummed a few strings.....i play with my guitar...i dont really 'play the guitar'....but just focusing on the music i was making...its pretty relaxing id say.... but um....hm. yeah. i'll have a completely original song put together one day....hell who knows..maybe more than one....but yeah...over the course of many years...i'll put it together....n one day...who knows...maybe i'll post the lyrics on this site!? guess u better stay tuned....

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a new tune
Wednesday. 12.15.04 5:31 pm
the song you are currently hearing on my site...is 'twilight' by emberghost. i gotta give all the props to mike fer discovering this band. so yeah....its good stuff...the guitar beat has a large tendency to get stuck in my head....'duna-duna-duna-- dun dun duna- duna - duna - duna na na na nana' but hmph.....what to blog about. school is out....for a month and a week for me. (woohoo)....the ironic thing is...now that i have all the time in the world to put overtime in at work, the shifts are supposed to lighten up tremendously. soooo i wont even be working as much as i did while having school to attend. and it wouldnt surprise me if things picked back up once i started school again. but yeah. with no school, and little work, i'm gonna be hard pressed to find things to do...i'll find something im sure..... but anyway....*shrug*....what to blog about..what to blog about..i havent done this kinda thing in such a long time. this is prolly what i'll do with all that free time. complain via nutang about how bored i am. hahahah.....lets just hope it wont come to that.....*ahem*.. mike met a chica!! whoooooop im kinda spreading gossip but hey, i think its great news fer him. some girl found his profile on 'okcupid' .com er whatever....andddd they started talking! janine i believe is her name. andddd she lives in PA. ha..small world i tells ya. philadelphia is what mike says....but ummm yeah! i'm pretty excited for him i guess. the thing that REALLY blew me away wassss she called him...and they talked for 4 hours. now mike is definitely not a guy who likes to talk on the phone. so this sounded RIDICULOUS when he told me. so yeah. janine? mike? nyeh? hahhaah.....anyway. *shrug*. i'm about to go to the mall...with the possible intention to actually do some shopping......wublamo. i officially declare this blog....done as junk.

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starting anew
Saturday. 12.11.04 12:08:38 pm
sweet merciful crap. things are different, and will be different. i'm ready for the change. with the support of my friends.....i can get through it. i was deleting all of the entries prior to this one...just cuz i want to get past it all. i want to put it all behind me. when i read the one left.....it reminded me of the pure joy achieved on that day of fun. i just hope its possible for us to get anywhere near that again........i am capable of love. n i wanna love my friends the way they deserve to be loved.

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*hardcore awesome*
Saturday. 4.24.04 12:35:00 pm
wow..yesterday....was cool. no no lemme rephrase that. yesterday....was FREAKING AWESOME!!!!! but first..the bad part. the WAIT for everything to start the festivities (playing frisbee/football at the park) was excruciatingly painful. hahah not really excruciating but more just like boring. i woke up at 8am (even tho i went to sleep at 3am), n from then til like...4:30 i was just doing all kinds of nothing. sporadically sat at the computer, ate (i had eggs/rice/oj for breakfast AND lunch)...and looking at pictures. my mom had to move the china cabinet...and in the lil compartments under it theres a buncha photo albums...man i gotta scan some of these pictures...good times. sooo yes. finally....the festivities were allowed to commence, and i went to the denison household. hung out with niki n chrissy for a while..looked at MORE pictures in yearbooks. (MORE good times). n thennn desi came home from practice! haha..it was awesome cuz it seems she never expects me to be sitting in her house whenever i actually come over. so the surprised look on her face was priceless...hmm...then more people started pouring into the denison household. it was...me, desi, niki, mike, nick, andrea, brett, and chrissy hanging out/watching the simpsons...then we decided that we could just meet scottness/george AT the park. SO!!!!!!!!!! we walked. yeup. a couple ppl actually ran some too. and it was raining a good amount too. so it was hardcore...in the rain...walking to the park. haha....so yeah!!! for a while we just played catch in the DRENCHED field with the frisbee n football....then scottness arrived! so we went over to greet em...n THEN!!!! we started TACKLE FOOTBALL. and yes. this was full contact, TACKLE football. it was freakingggggg craaaaazy. mind you it was raining like the whole time. it was all slippery...n dirtyyy....and full of "BAM" tackles.. oh my goodness..george came in the middle of the game too...oh man..so many kodak moments. the first tackle of the day was by brett- tackling andrea. HOOOOOOOOLY crap. brett was gaining from behind her, and he LEAPED onto her back, and took her down HARD. oh man...it was sooooooooooo crazy. there was a lot of laughing/screaming "OHHHHHHHHHHH's and OOOOOOOOOOOOO's"....niki was prolly got tackled THEE most...n it seemed she was always falling face first! oh man..good times tho. hahaha niki caught the ball once, n scottness got a hold of her shoulders, but NIKI KEPT ON RUNNING!!!! oh man...so scott was being DRAGGED across the field OOOOOOOOOOOOOOMG. it was HILARIOUS. he was literally skiing on the field. it was SOOOOOOOOOO COOL. so yes. other good times... consisted of brett running with the ball righhhhht between 2 defenders, and the 2 defenders(desi and andrea) ending up colliding with EACHOTHER as opposed to brett. oh man...it was like something outta a cartoon...i was dyyyyyyyyyyyyying. hahha...i think i half lost my voice from all the screaming/laughing. so yeah...after that...we all made our way back to the denison household, me, mike, nick, n brett swung by casey/mike/nicks house cuz they needed dry clothes. we were supposed to get casey earlier...but we lost track of time playing football. =( n we figured it wouldnt be worth matt's time or anyone elses time if he came out cuz he'd hafta be home at like 11...n it was already like 9 when we were gonna be picking him up. so i felt perty bad about that......*sigh* so we get back to the denison household... i didnt think i needed new clothes, but desi made me change into girls swimming trunks n one of nikis shirts. i felt awful naked and kinda silly haha.....but yeah..we sat around...watched the goonies...ate french bread pizza....looked at yearbooks...just hung out..it was quite the nice ending to an overall great day.....and today....the madness is...

::to be continued::

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the number is lesser in value..and easier to swallow
~'would you like something to drink'
if your stomach feels weak, then my work here is done
~'the words "best friend" become redefined'
if theres no one beside you when your soul embarks, i'll follow you into the dark
~'i'll follow you into the dark'
i'll be floating out at sea, waiting for periscopes to spot my warm body
~'no ace, just you'
this is the part where i'll admit i'm getting what i deserve
~'lost and found'
lets sleep tonight on a bed of nails, so that every other night doesn't seem so painful after all
~'beter than sex'
if it were up to me, you're gone, i've been dying to get it into you somehow
hours pass, and she still counts the minutes that i am not there, i swear i didn't mean for it to feel like this
wanna fuck up my life?-i'll let you.
this is the rhythm i was signing to the beat of my feat as i walked away
~'i fought the broad (and the broad won)'
ur stomach's filled up but ur starved for conversation
~'soco amaretto lime'
if i could, i'd only want to make you smile
~'make you smile'
the past is only the future with the lights on
~'baby, come on'
morning always comes too quick when you're around..
~'still breathing'
i beg not to escape permeating my pores, whetting my appetite for more
~'amanda's poem about unicorns '
ur stomach's filled up but ur starved for conversation
~'soco amaretto lime'
love me gently with a chainsaw
~'tie her down'
smiles and her laughter, its the only thing that ive been waiting for
so many high points on this last leg, i cant wait to recount them- it seems like nothings happened until ive shared them with you
~'shirts and gloves'
ur lips, ur eyelashes- ur skin, these are the parts of ur body that cause my comatose to begin
~'all hail the heartbreaker'

lets start out-by starting over... ~'lovers and liars'

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