Speak to My Finger

so for the past few weeks, i have been eaten alive by a miserable event where i already knew the ending even before this friend came up to me.

i had a miserable moment of having my mind flattening me over and over again on my compassion. sometimes i even think if i even have compassion, because the way my friends commenting on me, it sounded like i have bulldozed them multiple times without giving them the space to resurrect.

and that's what happened coming 3 weeks ago.

i asked a closed friend for help. i never expected him to help because i already know his reply. it would be 'haha'. like i predicted he just laughed it off, but it really annoyed me. so i asked is it funny? he kept quiet. and then i asked if he could refer me to a friend his age for me to interview for an assignment. i was purely trying my luck.

he replied "you always ask me for help. go ask someone else.'

i replied 'i thought u r my friend.'

he said 'i helped u a lot. and u disturbed my sleep. what la.'

and then i said ok.

what did that sentence mean? 'i helped u a lot.'

i helped u too u know. i helped u find a fortune teller. calling all my spiritual friends for a contact. calling my single friends to check if they r interested to know this single male friend of mine.

i really, really don't want to hear that sentence 'i helped u a lot' because it freaking hurts. because i helped u also.

i could not sleep that morning. oh well, i message him at 0100. but he got a choice to reply or not. is it my fault?

anyways, since then i just leave it because i'm hurt by that sentence. i felt i have been stomped all over.

so a week later, he messaged me checking out if i am still angry with him. i said i m angry at how he declined to help.

i thought he wanted to apologise. i can just throw that thought into niagara falls. he again saying 'it was my fault.' again, saying 'i helped u a lot. and u disturbed my sleep preparation and u always wants answer immediately.'

i grew hotter minus the lava spillage.

if want to apologise, just fucking say sorry and not pushing the fucking ego onto me. i didn't apologise either.

even though i said he can buy me ice cream as apology. but after reading that sentence, i don't feel like eating his ice cream even though i love free food.

i won't find it sweet in my mouth, just some bitter dispute coughing from my heart into my tongue. what's the point?

the next one is a commissioned transcriber. it was horrible. they used a voice detector to do the transcribe and they didn't check if the words correspond with the audio. i spent two days in correcting the transcript. wasting two days of completing the assignment instead.

i hated myself for being kind. i never so wanted to be alive at this moment. some more im under the pressure of completing 4 assignments by mid march. i hated myself for being a slow writer. i hated myself for keeping myself in a non-productive meeting. really hate to be unkind myself as well.

i never so wanted to be alive in this moment.