listening to: the sounds of the furnace roaring
mood: sad
I am not having a good week/day...in spite of the fact that i slept all night ( Yay!!) I have been plagued by persistent thoughts of getting high again.... Rusty told me that to go into Zanies ( a local head shop ) would trigger me.... how do i tell him that i can't possibly be any worse off than i am.... In my head... i already relapsed.... so what the hell does it matter.... the only reason i haven't done it yet... is because i love rusty too much to let him see me that way....... i also don't want to lose him.... that is a powerful force behind why i stay clean.... i LOVE that man.... and i love my daughter..... If that is what i have to hold onto.... then that's what i've gotta do.... i am really good at ffaking things..... so maybe... if i just stay clean... and fake my way through all of this desire..... and just not use...... i'll be ok.

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listening to: Tatu- Not Gonna Get Us
mood: irritable.... got a problem with that???
Here be I.... the Queen Of Insomniacs.... awake... again.... What really amuses me is the ads at the top of my page... are for sleeping pills..... Wish i had one...*sigh* Insmonia sucks.... but at least i have something to do.... i should be working my 4th step.... but i'm not.... chicken shit me..... *sigh of much profoundness*

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watching: life pass by at a fantastic speed
listening to: E-Type Russian Lullaby
mood: ambivalent
I have a small quandary.... Randy wants to give us 4000 dollars to have a place to live for the next 2 years guaranteed.... from a financial aspect... that's no problem at all... with 4 grand we could pay off our small personal loans....which would free up 250 every month......but the thing is... he says things that sometimes make me uncomfortable..... we have battle of the stereos every time i want to listen to techno downstairs ( i win of course...100 watts beats 20 watts every time but just wait till i get the BIG one muahahahaha) he constantly bugs me about the dishes downstairs.... I LIKE him.... i really do... i just don't know if i am prepared to deal with this for 2 years.... Maybe i will develop a spine and tell him how i feel... but to be honest... there is the rare occasion where his off center humor actually amuses me. I'm not a prissy bitch... i do enjoy a bit of... sick humor now and again... goes pretty well with my morbid sense of humor..... but i just don't know what i should do about the situation.... *sigh* If there's one thing that bugs me... it's not knowing what to do in a situation....

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My little bird.... the one that picked my nose when i needed it.... and never failed to bite at my libret stud....almost plucking it out of my lip on several occasions.... is gone.... she'll be dead soon.... she got outside in barely asbove freezing weather... i tried to find her,,, really i did... i wenyt out looking for her.....but i can't find her anywhere.... i feel bad.... the last thing i did before she got out... was yell at her for being rough.....I'm still crying....... i feel like it's all my fault..... i really do. I love you Chewy...... RIP

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watching: uhhh... my monitor....
listening to: Evanescence My Immortal
mood: sad,... but happy at the same time
Well... it's gonna be an interesting day...... that's for sure... i've got so much to do. I have to rearrange my computer room.... AGAIN... and i have that Anniversary Dinner for the club to go to tonight... then to top it all off... it's Rusty and mine's 1st anniversary..... sheeeeesh.... it never ends!!!! Aeryn's birthday party was a smash... i had a lot of fun climbing on the play place at mcdonalds with her... I got to spoil my niece too.... right in front of her dad..... muahahahahahaha but it was fun... she shared my chocolate milkshake with me and Aeryn... Aeryn is SOOOOOO spoiled..... she got more stuff for her birthday.... than i got for my birthday AND christmas COMBINED over the last four years.... I'm happy to see that though... she really deserves it.

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I can't believe it..... my AngelBaby is two today.....I can't believe it..... these last 2 years since i had my daughter have gone by SO fast. I can hardly believe it's been 2 years since she was born. I can't say i'm taking this too well either... It's been bittersweet ever since i gave her up... granted.. my parents adopted her... but i can't see her often because i can't tolerate my mother....

Happy Birthday Squidgie!!!!!!!


Aeryn Tanna Susanne!!!!!

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