Yep, that's me. Ok, probably not really. BUT Miles is going to think so after tomorrow. For his third birthday we're having a party at chick-fil-a, which is pretty much his favorite place ever. He's going to have 10 of his friends there, and tons of adults he loves and one bad mamma-jamma of a cake. It's a rainbow cake and it's my greatest achievement in bad ass baking yet.

Before cooking:



After:


Who knew I could love dirty dishes lol?!



I can't wait to cut into it and see how crazy the slices look!

I also made really basic but adorable goody bags that are totally recyclable out of little brown paper bags and a cow face clip art with googly eyes attached on it. I think they're adorable but they're kind of gener-o adorable lol.

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At 9:58 am on Monday I posted this:
"Dear friends and family - Do not be surprised or offended if you do not hear from me through here or phone for the next week. Aside from planning and preparing for Miles' party this weekend, I have an exam, a research paper, a major essay, multiple short papers, a book to read and write an essay on, 2 tests, and a multitude of random homework assignments. It's the end of the semester and they are bringing it! So unless you are saying "Hey, want me to get Miles out of your hair for a bit?" don't expect to hear from me lol."

At 1:30 PM (which was a bit later then it happened, I just had a meltdown in the immediate moments after) I posted this:




Yep. At least I found a scratched up and shadowy monitor on craigslist for $15 so I can finish..and ya know start... some of that work. Le sigh.

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My grandfather has been doing better for about a week straight now. They've adjusted his medications and taken him off everything they can, including all his supplements and vitamins and god only knows what else. I am so thankful for this I cannot even begin to express it. Neither my mom or myself could take him going downhill just yet.

I've decided to start looking for a job. Nothing too serious or respectable but something to add a little income into our lives. I think it would be good for Miles to start attending pre-school or daycare or something outside of his little magical bubble I like to surround him with. I'm hoping I can get a job as a front desk clerk at a hotel or something so I will have a quiet and easy place to do my online classes. All I really want is enough money to be able to take on a car payment, put Miles in daycare/pre-school, and maybe have a little left over for the occasional skinny carmel machiatto on the days when I need a little something special. I just need to associate with other people and Miles and I need a break from each other and I just need something besides my running for ME. My self-esteem has been even crappier the past few months than normal and I think this is just the turn-around I need. I've put in a few applications, hopefully I'll hear something soon.

I decided to go see my friend I mentioned a blog or two ago. I'm glad I did too, we have such a good chemistry together and it didn't even feel like I hadn't been in that house for 6 months. I couldn't believe how big her daughter had gotten and she and Miles both still remembered each other, it was really sweet. We talked about everything a little and that was good. All in all it was an all around good and I'm thankful for that. She really seems to be doing well, gives me strength to know I can do all I'm trying to take on if she can do it too.

Marc and I had the big talk. I feel for the most part it went pretty well. We both know we want to make it work but we finally both acknowledged we aren't sure if we can no matter how hard we want too. We're both going to try our best but I just needed to be honest with him so if our best isn't good enough then it didn't come out of left field on him. I love him more than any person I've ever known. He is a good, kind, smart, funny, endearing, honest, sweet, loving, and GOOD man. He is the best person I've ever known next to my Mimi and Dad. I DON'T want to get a divorce from him. I don't think he or I would ever fully recover from it. We are best friends and we do love each other very much. But there are aspects of our life that weigh very heavy on us and I worry that one or both of us will get tired of carrying that weight eventually and I don't want us to try for years beyond what we should until we hate each other. That thought terrifies me. I always want us to be friends, not only for our own sakes but obviously for Miles' too. I want to see if getting a job and a car and a bit more of a "life" will help me feel like a stronger person and will lessen the weight of those burdens. We shall see, only time can tell. But I feel like we are at least taking a step in the right direction and we're trying to walk the same direction. Hopefully we can stay that way.

PS
Batman

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Things have been changing so much lately I haven't really been able to process them, much less blog them. My grandaddy is out of the hospital for now but he may be going back in today. He's going to see the doctor again today so maybe we'll know something. He got out of the hospital Saturday morning and was doing good until Sunday afternoon and his sickness came back. He's been having vomiting and diarrhea pretty much constantly, though the vomiting seems to have calmed down a lot right now, and they can't figure out why. It's been going on for months now. When he went into the hospital last time he had lost 14lbs in 6 weeks and he is just such a small man already. So far we he doesn't have Crones, Celiacs or Cancer as well as a host of other things I must have forgotten because they didn't start with a C. That's all good but I just really wish we knew what IS wrong so we could treat it. He turns 89 in 3 weeks in 1 day and I really feel like if we could fix this he would have at least a few healthy and happy years in his future. And I don't think me, my mom or my son are to lose him. Mom says he's keeping his spirits up though and, even though it goes right through him, he's got a good appetite and is eating pretty well. I just wish I could go down there. Stupid P O S car !

Isn't my granddaddy the most precious man ever? This was when I visited in August:



Midterms are over THANK GOD. I only missed 2 on my algebra one and I am so grateful for that. I hate math, but I am getting a slight idea of how to at least attempt it lol. I did so good on my communications that I actually got an above perfect score and I didn't even see an extra credit awesome so I'm going to take that as just because I'm so badass. Still waiting on my African lit grade but she takes forever so I'll probably be waiting for awhile. Ugh, I hate when teachers take FOREVER to get you your grades. Whatever though, I'm still doing pretty good and I'm thankful for that.

I got a really random text yesterday from an old friend I haven't talked to since about mid-October. I literally just quit talking to her in all forms because I got sick of being stuck in the middle of her drama. In all fairness, I stuck her in mine at times too, but she was just always more ok with drama than me. I think at the time she was just really unhappy with her situation in life and I think maybe that's why she was involved in all of the drama. She wasn't happy in her marriage but she was good friends with her husband and loved him, but wasn't in love, and so I think she was struggling heavily with that. They are now divorced, or all but, and she looks happier (according to one of my friends) and I'm curious if she's calmed down on the drama. She has randomly sent me text "accidentally" over the months like where her birthday party was going to be and other things like that. She always said it was an accident after I asked who it was but she has a new phone and number and everything and I don't see why should would have transferred my number much less put me back into a group of people to send those kind of messages too if it wasn't intentional. Well this time she kept it real. She just said " Hey, it's V. I totally miss your face. Europarty is friday, hope you'll come." Europarty is this thing where one of our favorite DJs and a guest DJ (one of our other faves this time) host a house music club night and all the Europeans come out. We have a surprisingly high European population here lol. V is from the Ukraine so she always goes and I'm a crazy dancer so we always went together. It was our thing. I haven't responded yet and I'm not sure if/when I will but I kind of want to. The thing is I miss her too. Our kids are one day apart, we went to the same high school (though we didn't know each other then) and we always have so much fun together. We have fun no matter what we do to, whether it's going out or going to the zoo with the kids, having a yard sale or studying. I just have so many things on my plate right now and I don't know if I have room for anymore. I thought about just showing up to Europarty and surprising her just so we could be all girly and squeal and OMFG and all that nonsense but I dunno. I just don't know, ya know? Plus one of my ex-bestfriends, who I DO NOT care to ever see again, also used to always go to Europarty as well might be there. Blegh. I probably won't go. But maybe I will say something. Hell if I know.

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My granddaddy went into the hospital probably around the same time I posted my blog yesterday. Just to top it all off right? F- my life. I can't handle this right now, I literally can't. He's lost 14 lbs in 6 weeks. They've tried all kinds of medicines and some upper GI procedure or something like that. Still he keeps vomitting and having poop problems. They've done everything they can think of. So now he's in for more tests and he's hooked up to stuff to get nutrients. Ugh. Fuck.. I swear to you if I lose him right now... I will lose myself. My grandparents have been everything to me. Losing Mimi was hard but it wasn't as hard because her alzheimers had been bad for years and she had been deteriorating over a long period of time. My grandaddy is of sound state of mind though. He's actually improved a lot of the past year. It's so unfair that his body is trying to turn against him. He has been a fit healthy man his entire life. He eats ideally for a human being, good portion sizes and variety and lots of healthy and fresh stuff and lots of seafood. He rarely ever eats fast food or any junk foods. He doesn't smoke and rarely drinks. Ugh. I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm scared. And sad. Very very sad. And I've got so much else on me right now. "The" conversation with Marc's family is supposed to happen today. I have 2 midterms in the next 3 days. My child is being AWFUL. He's sweet but defiant as hell and a wild almost 3 year old. And when he's mad he can be very mean and he's mad everytime he's in trouble so, yeah. It's not a fun situation especially when I'm out of patience and sad and worried and have no fucking help. I just called Marc in tears and begged him to try and get off today because I can't handle all this right now nor do I deserve to have to. Plus I've got that damn dentist appointment in less than 3 hours. And I can't even get ready for it. And I NEED to get ready for it because I am a damn mess. I wish my friends didn't suck and that I actually felt like talking to any of them about this. I mean I have a few friends who don't suck but nobody I feel like opening up to. Maybe one but it's been awhile and I don't want it to be all awkward if I go all nervous-breakdown on her. And god forbid Laura should actually pay attention to fucking anything going on in my life and act like the friend she supposedly is. Ugh, that's a whole separate blog for another place and time. It just sucks because she will randomly every few months facebook me to tell me how much she misses me but I don't believe her. She wonders why I don't call her anymore (I guess she wonders..) but I don't even know how to talk to her anymore. And I could use the girl who used to be my closest ally right now. But it isn't the same because she isn't anymore. Ugh. Nothing like feeling helpless and alone

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