Imagine a river flowing in 2 directions. No, make that 3. Yes, I am referring to the mighty River of Life, located in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

We have all traveled on the River of Life. Some traveled while naked, some while fully clothed. Many while both. Most while neither. The nature of one's clothiness is not of essence in this entry, so let's not digress any further.

Exactly 3 weeks ago , as one of you may know (exactly one more than the number of people who read this blog), I moved from my beloved dwelling of Los Angeles. After 5 arduous years of biking along the beach by day and partying in Hollywood among rising harlots who waste their hard earned waitress wages on cigarettes by night, I have departed from the West coast for the East coast. In exactly 3 weeks from tonight, I will be living in New York City.

Before then, I am stuck in a time before land... in a time called Optimus Time.

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Now, where were we? Oh right, I remember now. In hindsight, it's so clear.

51. For 7 days and 10 nights straight, I studied so that I could be accepted into a college.

52. There were more nights than days, because I was in Alaska at the time, where not every day had a corresponding night. It's called the Time Light Discontinuum. Never heard of it? Read a book. Read this one: The Time Light Discontinuum, by J.R. Confucious.

53. On October 4th, it happened. I was accepted into the School of Clowns in Clown College.

54. I celebrated by dropping out of high school to follow my passion of becoming a poet.

55. For the next several years, I traveled the world, writing poetry inspired by the many lands I visited.

56. I took these poems and anonymously carved them into ancient monuments, artifacts, and relics.

57. My favourite was entitled, Fur Elise Island.

58. It went something like this.

O' shamrock, where 'chu art thou?
Are thou a rock or thou ye cow?
Ye cow with no temper,
No fingers, remember?
O' shamrock, eagle shamrock,
Lest loot, lest balk,
Lester stole Shenny's sock,
Beside the pond, beneath the dock,
O' shamrock, you roll 'n you rock!

59. Due to the obvious deep meaning and emotions, linguists adopted that poem into a neo-modern language taught in high schools around the world.

60. The language is called Latin, short for Latin American Women (LAW).

61. And that's when it happened. I won the Georgian Lottery.

62. I was so thrilled that I went to my local dollar store and bought a nail clipper.

63. I then clipped my nails, so that I could look my best.

64. I celebrated so hard over the next 18 months. Man! I partied hard.

65. I wish you were there.

66. My last party was known throughout history as the Party Heard around the World, except for Antarctica, because penguins have no sense of sound.

67. Then it happened. I was notified that the Georgian Lottery was a scam.

68. Unfortunately, by then, thinking I never had to work another day and be set for life with $200 Georgian dolares, I had already spent all my life savings.

69. I had no choice but to take the closest job, so that I could begin earning an honest living and paying off my debt.

70. And thus, I put on my socks, went downstairs to my basement, and applied to the McGoofies, working their drive-thru station.

71. McGoofies was a multi-national bank, specializing in micro, macro, mini, and happy meals.

72. After 3 years, I worked my way up to the mail room. I was a rising star, but I wanted more.

73. So, I brainstormed.

74. For 24 hours I brainstormed really hard. So hard that I got a raging brainer. Eventually, the spark I was looking for finally ignited. That spark burned down the entire McGoofies corporate building, causing Wall Street to crash, putting millions in financial distress.

75. This is commonly known today as Black Wednesday.

76. But amidst this tragedy, there was fortune. I had an idea, an idea I knew would empower the world and make millions.

77. I called this idea the World Wide Global Warming (WWGW).

78. I consulted a famous marketeer by the name of Al Gory about this and he suggested I drop the G and just called it WWW.

79. And so, I registered my very first website, www.www.www

80. If you clicked that above link, then I have a bridge to sell you.

81. The bridge I am referring to is in fact the foundation to the World Wide Global Warming project. You see, the premise of WWW is that one would build a bridge from Cinque Terre, Italy to Hangzhou, China. The logic there is so ridiculously obvious I won't insult your intelligence by explaining any further.

82. The bridge would transport a cutting edge form of green energy technology our firm acquired.

83. This technology was code named Allspark.

84. Actually, let me digress for a second and explain how we acquired the Allspark. We have global warming to thank for that.

85. The year was several years ago and the global warming virus had spread to Los Angeles, where I was currently residing. It transformed rain clouds into sand cactii, essentially forcing the land into a desert in the shape of an eagle. People were dying left and right due to physical and mental dehydration.

86. Someone had to do something. ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH! Since our governor quit to pursue a career in acting, I knew I had to be the one to step up. (Good for him though.) And so, I organized a crew of my closest friends for a mission to Alaska.

87. As alluded to, we went to Alaska, the only source of true anti-heat, otherwise known as glacier, in the US.

88. Using a fleet of helicopters, we extracted the 5 Great Glaciers from AK to LA.

89. Unfortunately, mother nature had a trick up her boot that no one could imaging. Heat. The heat melted all the Great Glaciers en route to LA.

90. But by now, through my life experiences, I knew in every failure, there was success. In every Greek tragedy, there is a stand-up jester. Where there is a loser, there is always a winner laughing in his face and stealing his diet plan (based on 11 herbs and spices).

91. In this case, we uncovered an ancient civilization that was frozen inside the Great Glacier Goliath. Due to the tremendous coldness all these years, the civilization was preserved entirely in tact.

92. The civilization was priceless and, so, I promptly sold off the civilization to the US government for a tax break.

93. Come to think of it, they never gave me that tax break. Instead, they asked me to participate in an unsanctioned government study for $100.

94. I promptly agreed, because I needed the money. The study allowed Leonardo Dicaprio and other less famous actors to practice neurosurgery on my brain.

95. The result was a temporary disillusionment between dream and reality. I had to undergo years of mental exercises to regain a clear grasp on reality. This treatment involved mostly just watching a lot of reality TV, like Futurama and Entourage. It was a difficult transition, though. You know why?

96. Dreams feel real while we're in them. It's only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange.

97. Now that I'm aged and decrepit, like Jack Nicholson, people often ask me... if I could relive my life, would I do it again?

98. So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door.

99. And then it happened. I invented the 3-sided dice and retired.

100. Sometimes history repeats itself. It does especially when life tends to work against itself. That may seem confusing, but to me, it makes complete sense. Maybe because I wrote it. Or, maybe because, like Benjamin Button, I was born under unusual circumstances. Return to #1 to understand.

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Am I nuttz to accept the challenge? This question, plus many more or less, may or may not be answered in the 100 facts below. Being the oldest person on NuTang by 2 or more years, I have collected many facts in my lifetime. But, let us start from the very beginning.

1. Once upon a time, in the decade of the rainbow plague, I was born.

2. I was born into a time of disease and tragedy, and resultantly, the world was in turmoil. In fact, the land I was born in, Pangeasia, is no longer on the modern map.

3. At the tender age of 3, I decided to move to the modern world. To do this, I took a modern globe, spun it, and then stopped it with my finger. That was how I chose my destination.

4. That was how I landed in New Jersey. Back then, it was really new and called Nuevo Jorge.

5. When I first arrived in NJ, I had nothing in my pockets, but a bucket of gold and diamonds.

6. Using those raw materials, I constructed an abacus, which I traded to a baker for a loaf of bread.

7. I planted that loaf to grow a bread tree. It was deliciously crispy.

8. I turned that bread tree into a successful company. I founded a bread company called Dave's Doves.

9. In a matter of minutes, I become known as the Bread Baron. My reputation of being a merciless business, driving small bakeries all around the country out of business and forcing them to become car salesmen, soon took the land.

10. That was brilliant advertising campaign. Increased sales by 300% with a payback period of 8 months.

11. But little did I realize, tragedy would strike again. The Crazy Wildfire of the 1990s burned down my entire bread grove.

12. At the brink of bankruptcy, I sold Dave's Doves to a soap company for a measley bar of soap.

13. Realizing the important symbolism and meaning this soap carried, I carved the soap into a national monument.

14. Otherwise known as the Lincoln Memorial.

15. At around that time, I fell into a bout of depression and would eat nothing but high protein corn flakes.

16. Nothing could get me inspired and motivated. After losing everything I worked so hard for at the age of 8, I felt I lost the will to live. That is... until I met my first love.

17. I met my first love when I was taking a dump.

18. I was thumbing through the latest copy of Maxim, when a crinkly slip of paper fell out. The paper smelled like feces or maybe that was the bathroom. I wasn't sure. Little did I know, this slip of paper would change my life irreparably.

19. The paper was a letter of distress, signed Amber.

20. What was written in this letter you wouldn't believe. So, I'm not going to spend any more facts on it. Rather, let's talk about my birthday that year. It was my 9th birthday and it took place in an ice cave.

21. The funny thing is my birthday started on top of a mountain. Mount Everclear to be exact, located between the Himahapas and the Nordic Pacific Coast.

22. I had invited all of my best friends, from high ranking officials of the 8 Great Powers to lowly scum that I lured to my party to kill.

23. At the time, volcanocology studies was still in its pre nascient state. Little did we know, our mountain peak was surrounded by a ring of volcanos.

24. Today, this area is called the Circle of Fire of Volcanos of Eruption.

25. Halfway into my birthday party people, it happened. The ring of volcanos all exploded simultaneously. This caused 2 geographical mega shifts to occur.

26. To understand the first, you must realize that when a volcano explodes, it requires incredible energy. Per conservation of energy, at the time of explosion, a volcano literally sucks all thermodynamic and kinetic energy from the surrounding radius of up to 75 miles, depending on the blast. Zanzibar, back me up on this. Now, with something like 27 volcanos all erupting simultaneously, this caused a phenomenon called negative energy at the mountain peak we were located on.

27. The second has to do with land mass shift. When a volcano explodes, it spews out a lot of magma (commonly known as hot dirt). The magma is usually created from surrounding mountains. Now, as you can imagine when 27 volcanos explode in the same area, it must suck up literally any body of land that isn't a volcano. As it were the case, the mountain my birthday party was on immediately was repurposed into magma.

28. The consequence was something this world has never seen before. Ice Cavity Implosion.

29. Many scientists and scientologists argue that ICI is impossible. However, having lived it, I know it is.

30. My birthday mountain was instantly transformed into an ice cavern. Not only that, but we were trapped.

31. It took almost 7 years for the ice prison we were in to melt. Luckily, those were whale years, so when I finally got out, I was ony 11.

32. Unluckily, tragedy struck again. I was the only person to survive.

33. In those 7 whale years, I also mastered the wushu arts of Monkey Claw and Dragon Snarl.
34. Years later, Monkey Claw would save my life when I battled my mortal enemy, Palm Tree Carmelo.

34. Years before that, Dragon Snarl would save my life when I battled my mortal enemy, Pineapple Fist Park.

35. After crawling out of that ice cavern, I realized I was no longer in Kansas.

36. My name is also not Dorothy. It's Dave. Up until that point in my life, I would always sign 'D,' so people sometimes got confused.

36. I decided I wanted to live a simple life.

37. So, I took up the witch craft of rock n roll.

38. I joined a revolutionary band called Nirvana.

39. After a few months, our frontman fell in love with a witch and disappeared.

40. It is rumoured that the witch turned into a giant moose and locked him forever in her rib cage.

41. Then, she flew to the endless desert of Zardune where she has lived ever since.

42. As a result, our band broke up.

43. Few years after that, another band by the name of Nirvana emerged and they became really successful. I was really jealous, but whatever. This was the early 90s.

44. Tragedy also befell the frontman of this new Nirvana. Their drummer formed another band, Foo Fighters, which has become my favourite band.

45. I always already an old teenager and it was time to get my life together and stop chasing foolish dreams. My heart had become wild.

46. When my doctor diagnosed me with wild heart, she said I only had 200 years left to live.

47. I late found out she was a quack. Since then, I've never hired another duck as my doctor.

48. Her business card was cool. It was in the shape of a duck and said, "The Duckter is in the house!"

49. Weird thing was it had no contact info. Kinda inconvenient and impractical. It was later rumoured that she met an unfortunate end at Dilated's House of Duck in Peking.

50. And so, armed with a pen made out of ice, I decided to focus on my studies and lead a normal, respectable life of a male-enhanced scholar.

I shall continue the remaining 50 facts in a later entry.

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I passed by a gas station today with a huge grand opening banner. Is there any business value in that? I can't imagine anyone choosing a gas station, because it's their grand opening.

I'm thrilled about Futurama being back.



For those of you with a sense of humour that has matured beyond the ripe age of 14, this is what you missed from last night's episode.

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I've been a member of facebook since its inception, when the domain was still thefacebook.com, when they had the crappy logo that looked like a younger version of Dave Grohl, when you could change text on the page by modifying the URL. It was a time when I much younger and my legs more limber, a time lost to history, to the ambitious dreams of young men who are now old boys. A wise man named Confucious once said, "Dinosaurs came before man, but because they only recorded their history in paper books without making digital backups in secure locations, when the meteor hit, all their legacy was lost in flames and decay; and now man now depicts dinosaurs as large, clumsy, destructive demons and not the angels they may or may not have been."

The point is a couple weeks ago I reached a personal milestone on facebook. After 5+ years, I finally changed my profile picture. Don't worry, though, my graduation pic that I have on nutang is still 5 years and counting.

My next milestone is to break into the double digit of friendships. You can be my 10th friend. Click the link below and add me as a friend.

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Four weeks ago, I alluded to doing something later that week that I should've done a long time ago. That Friday, I put in my 2 week resignation. Two weeks ago was 2 weeks from the day I put in that 2 week resignation.

Thus, I have been relinquished from the chains of my corporate job for 2 weeks now. For 2 weeks, I have been free.

I am now a free man. I am now a vagabond. I am now a free vagabond. I am now retired. I am now a free, retired man, AKA a vagabond.

You can call me Bond.

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