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Someones_Muse
Age. 36
Gender. Female
Ethnicity. A European Medley!
Location Radomyshl, Ukraine
School. Seattle Pacific Univ
» More info.
A Tweeting Twitter Twit, I am.
Cal-y


March 2024

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I just thought you should know...
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I would be a terrible President...
Sunday. 5.6.07 5:43 pm
... because I like to surround myself with people who tell me what I want to hear.

I had lunch with my parents today so we could talk a little about what I'm going to do next year, living situation wise. They had some advice, but mostly they just want me to eliminate trying to move off-campus. And, of course, they won't even entertain the idea of me having a male roommate.

What's kind of scary to me is how unwilling I am to look at other housing options besides moving in with Matt. I know it's a really, really, bad idea on so many levels, so why can't I just say so and move on? What is my problem?

I think I would feel better saying no if at least his girlfriend thought it was a bad idea too, but nooo, she seems to be al for it! I don't know if she's trying to be supportive or if shes really that naive, but there's no way I'd let my boyfriend shack up with some chick unless they were related... Maybe I'll talk with her and see if I can figure out what's going through her head...

But how do you even start that conversation?

"I'm starting to think that moving in with your boyfriend is a bad idea."

"Really, why?"

Bam. There you go. I can't put my finger on exactly why living with a guy is a bad idea, except for potential sexual tension, which I feel perfectly able to handle. Oh, and that I don't have my chief financial backers' (read: parents) blessing.

Maybe I'm just making this all too big in my head. Maybe "no" really is more simple than I think...

Anyway, Im done trying to figure this all out. I'm going to take a nap :D

**UPDATE**
After taking a nap, working out, and taking a bath, all failed attempts to clear my head, I return to my computer to find a comment from Matt on crappy Myspace.

"So are we set in september as far as rooming? Sure thing? Let me know.

-Matt. "

AHHH!! I decided to call him right then and there and rip off the bandaid. I am not a smooth person, but I think I managed to get off the hook fairly cleanly. However, instantly upon pressing the end button, a big huge wave of regret washed over me and I nearly called him right back to change my mind. Oh my gosh, I still feel like shit, and I have no clue why! I think it's my keen people pleasing instinct. Logically, I know he's not going to stop talking to me just because I dont want to be his roommate, but I sort of feel like I really let him down or something. I feel like this is exactly what my best friend did to me!

Oh well! Now I have a new problem-- where the hell am I going to live next year?? More drama to come, I'm sure.

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A Quick Psychology Lesson
Monday. 5.7.07 8:33 pm
If you've ever taken a psychology class (or read any parenting/animal training books), surer than shit you know all about positive reinforcement. Maybe if you're really cool, you remember reinforcement schedules. I forgive you if you don't.

Positive reinforcement is a powerful behavior-shaping tool. Basically, if someone does something you want them to keep doing, you reward them (but they pretty much have to do it of their own volition, this isn't bribing, folks). If you REALLY want someone to keep doing something, you put them on a variable reinforcement schedule, which means you don't reward them every time they do something, but rather in an inconsistant and unpredictable manner. This is how many compulsive behaviors (like gambling) and superstitions are established.

Of course, you have to figure out the appropriate reward, right? Lot's of people feel rewarded by money or pysical sensation, but me, I am almost exclusively motivated by attention. Hence, I love getting e-mails and comments on my pictures and blogs... maybe a little too much. Since I never know when I'm going to get an e-mail, I check as often as I possibly can. When its a slow week, I'll find myself checking less often, but as soon as the drought breaks, I'm back to checking several times whenever I'm in my room or at my desk at work.

Yesterday evening, I was getting a crazy number of e-mails (pretty much all of them stupid, but hey, an e-mail is an e-mail), to the point that I could not fall asleep because I was thinking about how much I wanted to check my e-mail.

Are you crazy like me? What is your reward?

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My Life Right Now=
Tuesday. 5.8.07 1:05 pm


...completely dominated by the IRI. Hopefully, the SPU librarians will hold strong against the USA PATRIOT act, or I'm toast.

Actually, I'm thinking about doing graduate work in Middle Eastern Studies. Now, I just have to find a school that teaches Farsi and NOT suicide bombing techniques and I'm golden.

PS-- I hate all of you on the semester system who are done with school right now. Hate. You.

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One of my Favorite Songs
Monday. 5.14.07 11:24 pm
I was born in Dublin town where
There was not too much going on down for
Girls whose only hope was not to
Find a man who could piss in a pot so
Early I heard my first guitar and I
Knew I wanted to be a big star and I
Told my poor worried father said I
Ain't gonna go to school no more

Cuz see I wanna look cool and I wanna look good
With my hair slicked back and my black leather boots
Wanna stand up tall with my boobs upright
And feel real hot when the makeup's nice
Get sexy underneath them lights
Like I wanna fuck every man in sight
Baby come home with me tonight
Make you feel good make you feel all right

I'm going away to London
I got myself a big fat plan
I'm gonna be a singer in a rock 'n' roll band
I'm gonna change everything I can

Sorry to be disappointing
Wasn't born for no marrying
Wanna make my own living singing
Strong independent Pagan woman singing

And I feel real cool and I feel real good
Got my hair shaved off and my black thigh boots
I stand up tall with my pride upright
And I feel real hot when my makeup's nice
I get sexy underneath them lights
Like I wanna fuck every man in sight
Baby come home with me tonight
Make you feel good make you feel all right

I'm glad I came here to London
I've myself some big fat fun
And I have even made some mon'
I got the most angelic son
My baby daughter is golden
And I do what I like for fun
And I am happy in my prime
Daddy I'm fine
Daddy I'm fine
Daddy I'm fine
Daddy I'm fine
Daddy I love you

"Daddy I'm Fine"-- Sinead O'Connor, Faith and Courage

I tried to find you a Youtube video... but no dice.

Anyway, I feel like I have a similar conversation with my parents at least twice a week. No, I don't plan on running away to be a rockstar (I have no musical talent u_u), but I've been trying to convince them that I can handle myself since I was twelve.

The funny thing is, I find myself incapable of doing anything to overtly displease them. Sure, there's a lot of little things that I slip past them, but I've never made any life impacting decisions that they didn't want me to make. For instance, I wanted to get a tattoo down my spine for my eighteenth birthday, but they were against it. So, even though I'd been designing one for a year and a half, I still haven't gone through with it.

I didn't stay with the man I loved (who is now in Iraq, possibly dead), because I knew they didn't like him.

I'm not going to move off-campus next year, because I don't want them to stop supporting me.

How much longer am I going to put up with this? I feel awful selling myself short just so that I'll have security (financial and emotional), but I don't feel like I have a choice if I'm going to make it in this world. Why can't I just be like those crazy people who move half-way across the country with $75 and a dream?

I guess I just haven't found something important enough to leave my life behind for. What would do it for you?

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The Best Dress Ever
Wednesday. 5.16.07 11:01 pm


So, this is my dress for Ashton Ball, the formal dance that my residence hall puts on. I am pretty much obsessed with it.

Yep, my Grandma bought it for me. She also bought me shoes, earrings, two bracelets, a bag, and a mani/pedi. I am so spoiled. But at least I am honest, right?

Oh my goodness! You know what I don't get? Why do I always get the surly manicurist? Have you experienced this phenomenon? All the other manicurists are talking up a storm with their clients... and mine just stares at my cuticles... which suck, by the way. I have never had nice cuticles. Now, I don't know if it's just because they don't speak much English, or if I'm just boring... but it's uncanny.

Anyway, now I actually need to make a plan... 'cause I don't know how I'm getting to the damn place... or who I'm going to hang with when I'm there. It's pretty much going to be like Pretty in Pink, when Molly Ringwald shows up at the prom all by herself. Except, there will be no Jon Cryer waiting for me in the lobby, or Andrew McCarthy pining from across the room. Haha if only life was like a big eighties teen movie... I'd be in heaven.

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Wanna Know Something?
Wednesday. 5.23.07 12:47 am
I used to debate competatively.

No, I wasn't stunningly good (according to the judges, hee hee), but you learn a lot from being put through the old wringer. Forget what your mama told you and please benefit from the wisdom I have gathered.

1. Rapid-fire speech is a skill to be cultivated, not a habit to be overcome.But it's still important to annunciate and be clear.

2. The best defense is a good offense. Think three moves ahead, always.

3. The best offense is a good defense. Make that sucker look like an idiot, and you've got it made.

4. Tail sources. Where you get your information is everything.

5. A good suit and a sincere compliment don't make up for stupidity. But they sure do help if you've got all your other shit together.

6. Smile, Smile, Smile. Confidence doubles credibility. Fake it until you feel it.

7. There is no absolute truth. Both sides can be defended equally well.

I take #7 to heart, which is probably why I get in so much trouble. I will fight with anyone, anytime, over anything, and I will win... or at least get you into a confusing stalemate :).

So, try me sometime. Give me a case with an obvious solution. I guarantee to make your head spin.

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