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The Brothers of Ipsen
by: Me

One kind morning, at about brunch-time, the three brothers of Ipsen, Peter Pipesniffer, Hardy Har, and Bobby the Bobby went for a walk in the Scottish countryside. Little did they know that Launcelot, the reincarnation of Sir Launcelot, was afoot. He had not yet been knighted in this life, get used to it. Peter Pipesniffer said heartily, "Well if it ain't a pint and a half of regurgitated soy milk!" as he pointed and the others looked. It was no pint and a half of regurgitated soy milk, oh no; Such a grievous act could not be tolerated. But in its stead was a man. A man so tall, so brave, and so piteous that he could only walk on three feet, max. Good for him he only had two feet, one at the end of his left leg, and one at the end of his right leg. Yes, these details are gruesome, I know, but they must be shared to truly appreciate the story. The man was not a man at all, it turned out! He was a Hu-man. Who are the Hu? Dreaded and feared throughout the lands of Ipsen and Sothe, the men of Hu were killers of killers, and killers of the people who normally the killers would have killed. No one human ever had seen a Hu-man and survived. Yes that's right, if I am telling this story in past tense, and describing this hu-man, then call me dead. Whatever. Getting back to the story, Hardy Har was finishing his scones and tea, when suddenly, a magical flute landed in the fissure next to he and the brothers. "Where were you on that one, Hardy?!" shouted Bobby the Bobby in disgust. Hardy's face grew flushed, as he reached down into the fissure to retrieve the Flute of the Seasons. Oh no! It wasn't a flute at all! It was an oboe! Anybody, even Hardy knows that oboes cost one pretty penny! What will Hardy Har ever do to retrieve the Oboe of the Seasons? How will Bobby the Bobby ever regain the broken bonds of trust and loyalty with his brother? When will Peter Pipesniffer ever finish his goddamn scones and tea? Find out next time, on.. The Brothers of Ipsen. [Note: The next episode of The Brothers of Ipsen will be secretly scheduled on television as "Dr. Buck" on the Outdoor Life Network (OLN) on Friday morning at 6:30am EST]

As the Hu-man approached Peter Pipesniffer, he reluctantly cried out, "Plastic syringe! Reap thine corn, sow thine kernels!" This magic omen, silenced for a score and a half and a half and a half [37 years and six months], is a token of bad-will. The Hu-man scurried in the fashion of a winter june bug, when they realize it is spring, when actually it is indeed winter. In any case, random Hu-man number 7 scurried like no previous random Hu-man number 7 scurried. As a matter of fact, he scurried like no other random Hu-man number 1, 2, 5, 6, or 7 scurried. Boy, did Hu-men 3 and 4 scurry that one time, I'll tell ya! As random Hu-man number 7 found his way back to the illustrious but infamous Castle of Sothe, he found Princess Amy, daughter of Princess Amy, weaving a bootleg in the thicket of pine-scented tree-things. The bootleg was a very fine bootleg indeed. It featured Led Zeppelin at their '70 concert in Knebworth, to which they would return nine years later and rock the socks off of many a staple-gun-shaped statue. The bootleg of that concert, however, shall remain ever hidden in the pages of the instruction and repair manual for an '86 Dodge Ram pickup-truck. The random Hu-man number 7 fell to his knees, and heard a fly buzz when he died. Princess Amy arose in astonishment, and then gingerly re-sat herself. The automated corpse remover acted swiftly and deserved a 15% tip, but Princess Amy only gave it 13%, because she did not have her mythical calculator of the six plastic noodle-shaped things. Yes, there were only six buttons, but Hu-man number 6 was not on hand, and could not convert from hex to decigrade. Oh, what peril. Peter Pipesniffer, with his life spared, continued on with his scones and tea. Damn you, Pipesniffer, damn you to Hell.

Hardy Har struggled to reach for the Oboe of the Seasons. He tried everything: Jiggling it free with a stick, gum on a string, and even his pet emu, Jorge (pronounced whore-hay), who was not only diabetic, but a pothead. Suddenly, Moses, who is the reincarnation of Jim Morrison, who was the reincarnation of Moses, sauntered along, and parted the fissure, even more so than it was already parted. However, Jorge tripped over his bong and into the slightly wider fissure, shouting "Let my people go! Let my people go!" Yes, we all know that the zoos of today are a violent and brutal place to shelter animals. However, Jorge and his family were from a wild safari drive-thru, so he needs to quit his damn complaining before he gets smacked up. He fell farther than the eye could see into the inner bowels of hell. Hardy Har realized what he must do: put his own life on the line for Jorge, and all of the granules of dirt that fell along with him. Meanwhile, in a distant land, far, far away, Peter Pipesniffer continued drinking his tea and eating his scones, while Bobby the Bobby slept like a Norwegian apple-peeler. Launcelot was once again afoot. Peter Pipesniffer saw a wild turkey. Bobby the Bobby dreamt of roasted turkey with scones and tea. Launcelot wished he had a tambourine. Peter Pipesniffer realized he was turning into a polar bear. Bobby the Bobby was jogging and suddenly came upon the carcass of a vulture, who was being eaten by other vultures. Ah yes; Finally, a plot that can lead somewhere. Two of the five vultures immediately realized Bobby the Bobby approaching. One of the vultures realized it after realizing the other had realized it, one vulture never realized it, because he was hungry, and one vulture was dead and being eaten. Amazingly, a man with a huge machine gun jumped out of his tank, which I must say was a bit untidy, with mud on the treads, and pointed his gun at the vultures. "Flap one wing and it'll be the last wing you ever flap!" he shouted. "Hey, no need to shout," said the second vulture. A comet came down and crushed them all, except for Bobby the Bobby, and the fourth vulture, who was still very hungry. Realizing that the only food for miles was Bobby the Bobby, the fourth vulture, now the only vulture, attacked Bobby the Bobby in hopes of eating his scrumptious flesh. Bobby said no, so the vulture flew away and died several hours later. Four other vultures swarmed his carcass; Two of them were very aware of their surroundings, one of them was a bit less aware, and one was very hungry. Bobby the Bobby continued jogging along, when he came upon the vultures. Two of the five vultures immediately realized Bobby the Bobby approaching. One of the vultures realized it after realizing the other had realized it, one vulture never realized it, because he was hungry, and one vulture was dead and being eaten. Amazingly, a man with a huge machine gun jumped out of his tank, which I must say was a bit untidy, with mud on the treads, and pointed his gun at the vultures. "Flap one wing and it'll be the last wing you ever flap!" he shouted. "Hey, no need to shout," said the second vulture. A comet came down and crushed them all. What will ever happen to Bobby the Bobby? Will he be resurrected or reincarnated? And what of Hardy Har, who has yet to travel to the center of the earth in hopes of rescuing Jorge, the stoner emu? And when will Peter Pipesniffer ever finish his goddamn scones and tea? Find out next time.. on.. Dexter's Laboratory.

Hardy Har.. a heroic man.. a man.. who is not to be forgotten in the pages of history. Tying a long cord around his waist, and securing it to a tree, Hardy Har dove into the fissure to rescue Jorge the emu. The cord snapped and he fell to his death, into the molten metals in the core of the earth. Peter Pipesniffer choked to death on his scones and tea. Launcelot, finally acheiving his noble status, was knighted at a ceremony held in a castle made of fermented grits. A pack of locusts swarmed the castle and ate away at the key structural points in the arcitecture, bringing Ye Olde Castle of Fermented Grits to her shaky and bruised knees, crushing Launcelot in a sea of sticky, oatmeal-like slop. The Hu-men turned out to be so fierce and cruel that they all killed each other with bamboo rods made out of pasturized barley. Bobby the Bobby, after being struck by a comet, died on impact. The comet was taken to a science research center and studied, and benefited all of human kind, until it exploded and blew up the world. Jorge the emu survived falling into the fissure, and survived the explosion of the earth, but choked to death on his own vomit during a drug induced hallucination on the dark side of the moon. If you found this ending morbid and cruel, please return it to the nearest mailbox, and be sure to put the little flag up so the mailman knows it's in there. It helps.

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