happy valentines day everyone.

<3 especially to my love.

oh but the things i had to do to try and get my girl what i knew she wanted. i knew she didnt intend for me to take it in my hands to get it. but being a bad valentine. i KNEW getting her americas most wanted -loui vuitton white with 'multicolored' print- purse would turn it all around. i planned on wakin up early. and picking up des at school at 7:45. but when does anything go according to plan? i woke up around 8:45. with a voice message left on my phone. des said she'd just walk off campus 3rd period at around 10. thats about 2 hours lost. and i didnt even know where we had to start. i needed a quick 2 hunderd dollars. all i had was 300. me and des had to think of somethin quick cuz i was on a time limit. i had to get the purse, boxed up, and mailed out by 4. in order for her to get it on [friday]. we thought of things i could sell for 200 dollars. only thing that came to mind was my camcorder. or my go-ped! considering no one would really notice if my camera was gone. i decieded on that. we had already called ONE of the 4 louis vuitton stores to get the price and if they had it. but they didnt. but! thats okay. there was still 3 other stores to call. but i didnt have the numbers. so i headed back home to get them and my camcorder. time was runnin out and we hurried and called the other 3 stores.

des: "hi..do you guys have the white.."
me in back ground: WHITE PURSE
des: "white purse with rainbows?"
me in back ground: WHITE PURSE WITH RAINBOW PRINT!!
des: "its the white purse with rainbow print."
me in back ground: geesa..
louis vuitton worker: "..you mean multicolored print?"
des: "yea. that one"
louis vuitton worker: "nope we're all out. but we do have the black one"
me in the back ground: FUCK THE BLACK ONE!

yea. that happened 3 other times. calling each one. but everywhere they were out of stock. BUT I HAD TO GET IT! SOMETHING! i figure maybe i'd get somethin to match with it? and if not i'd just get a gift certificate? so we rushed to the store in santa clara [a good hour or so away]. me and des felt like we were in some scavenger hunt. power walking to the store. checking each map around the corner if were on the right track. and we were. so excited we'd finally made it. and even maybe with time to spare. we got there. that uncomfortable feeling came right when i walked thru the door like i was some stupid broke ass kid. i am. but that day! i had money! and you bet ur rich asses i was gonna buy something. [i was actually just goin to see how much some type of accessory would be. then go find a pawn shop and sell my camcorder to add on my $300.to make it $500. use the $200 i was hoping to get for it towards a certificate or accessory. and i figured since they didnt have the purse, i'd just use the 300 towards the phone bill. ] so anyways. we walked up and saw somethin with that famous multicolored print! i was so excited. i thought it was a wallet. and was ready to get a price on it and buy it already. but it was just an agenda! pssh. sorry babe, but i wasnt gonna buy u an agenda. i dont even think u'd need one. me and des were dissapointed at thats all they had. we left the store from what used to be a power walk. to dragging our feet. disapointed. we drove all that ways for nothin. i still only had $300 for the phone bill. and i hadnt sold my camcorder yet for the other $200. i had no idea of where there was a pawn shop in santa clara. and i had no time to find one. sell it. then come back to louis vuitton and get a gift certificate. [personally i dont like getting gift certificates. i feel like its a cheap present.] it was already around 2. and i had to send everything by 4. [sigh]

off to find a pawn shop. i found 2 payphones with phone books. and of course both had the pages for pawn shop torn out. so i gave up. looking in santa clara anyways. i went to hayward. i was a bit more familiar with the area. streets anyway. we finally found a phone book that still had the page for pawn shops. i had des pull it out. but they were pretty much all for jewlery! bleh. i almost gave up. till i really read the ads and found that a couple of em bought cameras! first one i saw was for a pawn shop in newark! THAT WAS ON THE WAY COMIN BACK FROM SANTA CLARA. [sigh] back to newark we were. i needed that extra 200! time was cut really short. i had maybe an hour and a half left. considering i didnt have enough time to drive there and back. i pulled over to look at the ads one more time. for a more closer location. and of course there was one in hayward [where we were]. and good thing i knew my streets. we found the place, it wasnt like any other pawn shop im used to. it was actually nice. clean. the pawn shops im used to are pretty run down. heh. but either way we walked in and put the camera on the table. i was kinda scared. i didnt wanna get cheated. he told me i was better of selling it personally because i was missing a fuckin cord! he said it would go for $250. WITH the cord. he said he'd buy it for only 50 without the cord. FUCK that. so i gave up. it was too far to go back to louis vuitton and get a certificate. then i realized i didnt even have enough money on me to send the package. i needed to sell my camera for the money. [i needed every bit of that $300 for my mom -heh i promised]. so yea, all that work. ended up not even being able to send the package on time. and not being able to get her what i wanted to. oh well.

--

todays valentines. and my valentine couldnt get her present.
couldnt even talk to her on the phone. because my dumbass passed out.
bleh. im sorry babe. i really am a bad valentine.

<3spazz

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[[of course this shit happens to me. it always happens. thats part of the reason i stopped this shit. I FUCKIN FINISH A LONG ASS ENTRY. THEN THE SHIT DECIDES TO CLOSE ON ME. fuckin BTICH. ]]

here i go again...

the things u find in this journal are just DEEPER thoughts on posts on des' xanga. so i would recommend u read hers first. hers i guess is more of an outline of what u'd find here. meaning. if u dont wanna read all this garbble of words. just check hers out.

random thoughts on myself and "love":
i grew up too fast. yet i have no experience. i've wanted to mature and just be on my own for so long. i think as if i have it all figured out. i talk about my future as if i know its really goin to happen. i feel as if im ready to be 25. and handle my own shit. when i think about it i’ve never really had a FUN "teenage" life like others. im just barely starting that now. kinda sad. never was a partier. was always school spirited, yet never got to get really into it. kinda hard when u hate school.
looking back on my high school experience, its all scrwed up. changed pretty much every year.

FRESHMANyear west high i didnt have much friends, they all went to tracy high. being a freshman i was all about the scene. i thought it was all about having a lot of friends. being "in" being "popular". coming from a small middle school. everyone was popular. i used to be the shit. at west high i was shit. i got good grades. had a few friends here n there. no one to call a true friend. being popular used to be everything to me. so i moved high schools.
SOPHyear at tracy high. i knew a lot more ppl. ppl from middle school. but didnt realize how much ONE YEAR in high school changes a person. i barely waved at these ppl anymore. yet i was happier at tracy than i felt at west. i was a more known. and i liked that. not quiet popular, but thats ok. my grades were horrible. failing quiet a few classes. bleh. OH WELL i have friends right? i never attended class. started missing once a week. than twice. then turned out to only going once a week. i hated high school. i had all but one TRUEfriend, darla. i figured thats all i really needed. high school became hell to me. i couldnt stand being there. awkwardly depressed. or just asleep. there had to be more to life than high school. than again i was only 15 at the time. dahell was i thinking...
JUNIORyear FIRSTsemester at tracy high literally changed my life. i met deseri and jessica. i did good in grades first quarter..who doesnt? second i started my daily ditching again. esp now i had the keys to my moms van. i also came out that year. to my closest friends. and not so close friends. random ppl found out. my name was spread. FRESH meat des called me. haha.
SECONDsemester - FINALLY something JUST FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME. homeschool. never had to get up early for school. just whenever the fuck i wanted. i became lazy. yet i had my own life now. not controled by school and teachers. i did my own thing. i had my own car at this point too. now all i needed was a job and i was set.

i always thought to myself i was better than high school. high schools for immature kids. im ready for bigger n better things in life. get myself a job and save some money for the future. riiight..the future. if u consider everything up there as the past.. than today as the future...

now: im still jobless. never got one. was way too lazy to even bother looking. my grades..eh..bit better. still tryina make up for the mistakes of the past couple years. but i'll make it. as for my "teenage" life, im tired of growing up. wish i was a kid again. i forgot how to have DRUG FREE fun. haha. its all weed, sad. i wish just for one day i dont think about my future, and how im gonna end up ..then worry about it. i just wanna be CAREFREE for a day. live for the moment -i hate to admit.

i hated living for the moment. moments are only temporary. when they're gone they're gone. you end up with nothing. but somtimes "living in the moment is all we have" (what im trying to make myself belive) i always lived for the future. and how'd i end up? with a bad weed addiction. with the need to just run and get away from everyone. “find myself”-as some would say. but how can i really find myself when all im looking for, is all i have and all i’ll ever need. my family and my friends. i distanced myself from the ones that love me the most. from anyone, if i dont get close, you cant hurt me and i cant hurt you. thats how i always saw everything as. and still do. it was hard for me to express my emotions. until i fell into a lil bitch called "love". and did i fall hard. with her i lived for the future. and ended up with the past. so as i was saying..living in the moment you end up with nothing. and living for the future, shit just gives your hopes up sometimes. whats right and wrong? what i used to think was right, was deceived. i guess being happy wasnt everything. so is it wrong to think that it is? it obviously isnt.
i was always looking for an escape to forget. for the easy way out -as my mom would say. with high school, i tried testing out. i passed. but it wasnt enough not for my mom..and now not for myself. i stuck with high school. graduating turned into an escape.
with love, it was smoking. every day. morning afternoon and night. it helped for the two weeks i did. but i dont think i've ever been emotionally FUCKED up. not to mention MENTALLY. haha. i couldnt control my feelings to myself as much as i used to be. i didnt wanna realize what was going on around me. i was left out on my roof everynight with thoughts like these. trying to figure out life. as if there really is an answer.
from everyone i ask. and from all the stories i hear. your first love will be around for a couple of years. back and forth sometimes. wasted emotions. but how do i know its really meant to be? i mean if i dont go back, i'll loose her. or have i already? i mean is it supposed to be this way? does everyones FIRST love become just another ex? maybe this will be one of those "WELL learning from experience.." type things.
maybe i can now say i do have some experience. heartbreak. how to deal.

should i regret that i said how i still feel? or will i regret even more never say anything at all.. =

is love supposed to be proved? or known. without proving something, how is it ever really known..
prove it.

fuck the moments. fuck the future. fuck the past. someone break me in already! i wanna fall harder than before. i hope im ready. are you?

wow. whats up with this early morning? all these damn songs seem to hit the spot! haha. yes the spot. [sigh]

I'm here, wide awake again
This fear is something I call a friend
Hello again
It's been a while since I saw you here
I don't remember you saying goodbye

No,
It doesn't matter it's over
Here I've been waiting
All my life
All this time
It doesn't matter it's over
Here I've been waiting
All my life
All this time

Here we go, jump to the stars above
So low, why do I fall to love?
Hello my love
This voice never called your name
This girl would never be the same

No,
It don't matter it's over
Here I've been waiting
All my life
All this time
It don't matter it's over
Here I've been waiting
All my life
All this time


if you read all my shit. im impressed. thanks for hearin me out. er reading? me out.

-PiNO

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haha. yea. just came across this song. yes in deedy, its country. i pulled the white tracy cowgirl from deep inside. and admit. i love..well like..country. but anyway. it was too long for my info. and yea. im in love w/ it. =]

i cant take you anywhere - toby keith or scotty emerick

You've been a part of my life for so very long
It's hard for me to believe sometimes that you're really gone
I tuck your memory away in that special hiding place
Hoping no one could tell by the look on my face
That you're still in my heart, always on my mind
Part of my everyday
Like just last night I went out for a bite
I tried to have fun with all of my might
But even the laughter, it wasn't much of a break
'Cause right in the middle of my salad and steak
Bobby Joe walked in with a couple of friends
And said, "Hey have you heard from her at all man like
Where's she been?"

And it, struck a nerve
And it, hit a vein
You'd think from all the tears I cried
And this broken-hearted pain
I wouldn't have to carry you around with me
But it seems like everywhere I go
Somebody wants to know where you've been
Are you comin' back again, I swear
I can't take you anywhere

So I left all alone, just headed back home
As I listened to the messages on my telephone
There was one from my sister
And one from an old friend
He said, "I drove by your house tonight dude but
You weren't in
Just checkin' up on you boy, I hope you're doin' alright
Oh by the way man, I seen her last night

And it, struck a nerve
And it, hit a vein
You'd think from all the tears I cried
And this broken-hearted pain
I wouldn't have to carry you around with me
But it seems like everywhere I go
Somebody wants to know where you've been
Are you comin' back again, I swear
I can't take you anywhere



--
haha. bobby joe. yup. my best friend right there. good ol bobby joe...


| mood | a whole lotta everything.

| tunes | ^that song up there

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last entry for a while probably. i might have a different one. but it might just be for certain ppl to view. im not sure yet. i dunno i'll let you know.

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been almost a week. havent felt like updating. i dont really feel like it now. lucky for you. less to read. cuz i forgot what DETAILIED (dont think thats a word) happened.

_today's the big day. the day we've all ..hah..mostly my moms'..been planning and getting ready for. my GMAS party. looks like well over 100 guests to be served. yes thats right served. me and my cousin have to wear aprons and ..serve. wonderful. my outfit didnt really turn out as i had in my head. but oh well. the fuckin whites dont even match. maybe i'll try n find diff pants today..again. i dont really care. knowing me i'll spill something and have to change. yesterday -friday- all day we made the center peices. MY FUCKIN GOD. took me like 2 hours to get one done. psh. done? yea didnt finish it. left it for my mom to. i ended up w/ a fat headache that still hasnt gone away. but its okay. i didnt work have as hard as my mom or anyone else really. hope it goes all according to plan tomorrow.

_we haven't really talked this past week. the one night we did wasnt much. but meant everything. i guess its okay. im starting to get used to it. i have to. nothing any of us can do about it. so im dealing. but of course it gets to me. esp at night. trying to "work things out" hasnt been doin too great. guess its just bad timing. we'll be fine right? i hope so. i find myself thinking about it less and less. i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. good..cuz i dont stress or get as sad. bad..cuz..i dont wanna forget us.
she didnt say i love you b4 she left. i dunno if she saw that i said it. =| but still. you'd think she'd still say it wether or not i'd say it right?

_i learned a new song on my guitar. DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL -age six racer. its pretty easy. just how i like it. nina sings part of it.

"so long sweet summer..."

cute huh?
anyways. my heads still poundin. so im off to bed. goodnight. sleep sweet. my dear viewers.

| mood | cranky. sleepy.

| tunes | dc-age six racer

i fell onto you now im gracefully falling away.

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_FRIday/night
yes in deed. i got my hair cut. not too bad. a lil TOO even it.
picked up des arund 2:05. luckily i got on campus a lil before. i looked at how the floats were doing. seniors float SUCKED. no offense. way too plain. oh well.
i meet up w/ des. at 3 was the parade. stopped by WALmart real quick. we got to the parade on time. meet up w/ everyone else.
des had to be picked up at 4 at the roasted bean. we were hoping her dad would've let her stay w/ me. so we could all go out tonight. of course he didnt.
meet up w/ jessica around 5. then met up w/ her friend bruno. we decied to meet up later that night. at the banta market. we had to trade cars cuz jessica was drivin her dads truck. off to banta we were.
its out in the cuts. long empty roads. might as well smoke eh? haha yes once again me and jessica had a memorable night of highNESS. we rocked out litterally. probably for about 15 min. jessica on drums. me? on guitar. we swtiched off. hahaha. i cant really explain it. but it really felt like playing em. you get all into it and shit. anyways. get high. put on some old classic rock and roll. and jam along (pretending of course) then maybe you'll see what i mean.

_SATurday
went to see all my GAYarea friends. oh wait. jimmys not gay. haha.
jimmy sucks at directions. so i picked up jae first. than jimmy.
jimmy gave me a STUFFED monkey. oh so cuddable. LOVE it! its name is JIMMY CHUBACA. how'd they named it? i dunno. but its cute.
then off to christines house. there was a suprise waiting for me. or somethin like that. they wouldnt let us in. DAFUCK?! haha. then once they did. i see marissa standing in front of the oven w/ a towel. so its kinda obvious now what they were doin.
THEY WERE MAKING ME A CAKE! aww. seriously tho. thats like the best thing ever. no ones ever made ME a cake before. and i dont think christines ever made one for anyone either. wait. i dont think christines ever made a cake in general! haha.
it got a lil messed up. a lil broken here and there. as jimmy tried to take it out of the pan.
BUT its okay. still looked hot. and tasted oh so good.
when we were talkin bout what to write. and when jae said put "imoan rooster" than i think marissa said.."you moan rooster?" me and christine at the same time were like "ROOOOOSSTTEERR" (in a moaning type way) lmao. guess you had to be there. was great.
we tooked pictures. I BETTER GET COPIES. i forgot my camera = oh well. then des called and said she could go out now. she wasnt allowed to earlier. so we all (cept for christine) went ALL THEWAY back to tracy. to go get her. what a lucky son of a bitch. make my ass drive all that way. oh well. i knew she really wanetd to go to that party.
_the party
it was alright. i wish i was high tho. or SOMETHING. i was oh so close to droppin, but i didnt. im really paranoid bout that kinda shit. plus i was drivin. if i can barely drive high. then yea. ii felt so lonely. to my right theres vess and april. to my left des and jae. in the middle. naomi. so alone. so cold. hahahaha jk..but yea its cool. the party got broken up around 1 or so? some big gay guy got hella pissed off. yellin at everyone.
"GET THE FUCK OUT!! GET THE FUCK OUT!!AJHGADHGADJHFLADJ!!!!"
breaking bottles on the ground and everything. our lil group left around the side.
out in front there was this lil boy. his name was "rabbit". i over heard. he was hella MAD. i guess the big gay guy "disrespected" him. and so rabbit wanted to kill him i think. from the sounds of it. rabbit looked like he was 12 with a mus-tash. about 4 foot somethin. so cute. hahaha. but he was yellin at this girl in the front gate tellin her to have the big guy come out. it was crazy. i thought there was gonna be a fight. but the cops came. so we took off before we got caught up in it.
dropped off jae. and i got some taco bell. met up w/ jerrick and his friends. MARVIN and LARISSA (spelling?) marvins from tracy too! i made a new friend. he's teaching this hip hop class des might join. too bad i cant dance.
we all (me, des, jimmy, jerrick, marvin, vess, larissa, cindy..[er syndy?] somethin like that)went up to "the view" -so they called it. MY FUCKIN BUDDAH. i've never seen such a wonderful site. as always. i was kinda on the side. still in the conversation, just kinda alone. no one to cuddle w/. i wish HERsheys was there. april talks a lot. its great. she asked questions.

"most craziest place you've fucked"
"3 things ur IDEAL other would have"

things of that sort. but answers cannot be revealed. whatevers said on the hill, stays. thats what was agreed on. it was almost 4 so we decieded we'd all better head out. marvin and larissa headed home. everyone else stopped by dennys to go piss. we said our goodbyes. APRIL might be joining the navy, so i talked to her to make sure i got to see her before she left us. we'll meet again. i hope. it was nice meeting everyone tonight. we'll soon do it again.
got home around 5. on the way home had a big talk w/ des. i called her up. i missed her.

_SUNday/ MY BDAY!!!!!
i woke up w/ the sound of family downstairs. i still hadnt tooken a shower. or anything. so i ran in. and got dressed. went downstairs. collected some envelopes. said my hellos and gave my kisses. all the cousins gathered in the leaving room. we were IN LOVE with this "refrigerated cake" my ate cely made. amazing. it was good to have everyone there. cept for one of my cousins -shes in the philippines for some school thing. but yea its been a while since everyones been together. and i loved it. we all went to java makers. got some coffee. away from the family for a smoke break. but i didnt take my chance. i feel stupid sometimes smoking in front of my older cousins. i feel so young. and stupid. like a wannabe. haha. oh well. me and robin went a lil earlier to the car and took ours then. went back home. there was a meeting going on amongst the old folks about my Gmas bday next week. all us kids have to wear a dumb apron and serve and what not.
around maybe 7. everyone departed. i was happy. my bday was the best, esp compared to the year before. i made good money. could've been more, but AH WELL im not complaining.

thank you to VANESSA and ANTHONY for calling.
and to JIMMY and CHRISTINE for texting.
wasnt as much as i hoped would. but just having those 4 made my day even better. thank you again. you have my love =]

| mood | hungry.

| tunes | hot hot heat - get in get out

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