CONTROL




"If we were your kids, we would punish ourselves!"
I hope that my last conversation with my father was this last Saturday. I have given up on him as I am sure that he's given up on me. Frankly, I'm glad he's give up on me. I would of prefered that he gave up on his unrealistic dreams of me graduating from a university any time soon and become a overly well paid citizens who takes frequent vacations to other countries. What do I look like? An IBM engineer with a salary of at least 80k a year? No. Does that look like what I'm going to ever want to become? No.
I'm an unselfish person motivated to do well for others, in my career and personal life. How much do YOU think THOSE kind of jobs pay? Because I know they don't pay much. And I certainly don't want to live a life of luxury (or even comfortability) while people are suffering in the world and in desperate need of things. I desire a simple life.
And I'm come to conclude that a simple life is one without distractions.

So, I will eliminate these distractions. Either one by one, or in one fell swoop.

I hope to be fully rid of my father in a few months, by taking over the cell phone plan. This way he won't have to concern his pocketbook about me. In my last conversation with him, I made him see. I pulled out my nine-tailed with jagged hooks on the end whip of truth and used it lavishly on him. By the end he had no other choice but to agree. When he agreed it was as if I had destroyed his world:
"ALLRIGHT, Mr. SMART, Mr. Smart BOY! YOU'RE RIGHT! Are you happy now?! Are you happy?!" he said.
"No... I never wanted to be right, dad. That's never what I wanted. I just wanted you to see that I had no other choice." I responded.
"Fine. That's fine, then. You know what? It's your own funeral and you're going pay for everything. You're going to pay. *click*"
And those were the last words my dad uttered to me before he hung up on me.

So, good riddance to that poor excuse of a man.

But there's still more distractions to remove.





PERCEPTION




The only difference is that instead of it being a mail-cart, it's a housekeeping cart. That and the fact that I don't wake up from this "dream".

At the end of the day, I think I'm just not what people want. And that's okay. But, I'm not always going to be their "Black Knight" and one day they will realize this. Or maybe they won't. Who knows?

I've just come to realize that I'm NOT insane. The rest of the world is. And I don't have to put up with it. I don't have to put up with people's nonsense and immaturities.

Because at the end of the day, you would have pushed that button. You would have sunk another ship. You would have rationalized yourself into thinking you did the right thing. You would have taken pills, gone to therapy, took up drinking, or started doing drugs to forget or to cope with the reality that at the end of the day,
MOST OF YOU PEOPLE ARE NOTHING BUT MONSTERS.

And on that happy note, I leave you.

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"I feel you Johanna
I feel you
I was half convinced I'd wakened
Satisfied enough to dream you
Happily I was mistaken
Johanna..."

All my efforts to write her have been thwarted time and again. I figured that surely now that i have a job that allows me to get online and with time enough to spare, I'd get a chance to write her. However, with the new night auditor watching my every move and the housekeeping manager adding more things to my job, I've hardly had any time at all. It seems that God wishes for me not to. Maybe He knows that I'd end up confessing my love. I'm sure He knows best as to why He doesn't want me to contact her. He's probaly just keeping her safe and well out of harm's way or any distractions, for that matter. It's okay. I don't think anything could ever come of it anyway. Why would someone so great, kind, strong, and all together amazing ever want a twisted and emotionally crippled beast like me? As I said, I'm "satisfied enough to dream her". I think I do love her, as much as I can at this poin, at least. And I don't mind feelings this way forever about her without anything in return. I think she's the first I can say that about. I want nothing but the best for her in every aspect of her life. She deserves it.

Yet, I can't help but feel guilty every time I think of her.
There's someone else in my life. Someone who's done more for me than alot of other people in my life. Someone who I trust. Someone who loves me. Yet, I don't return the sentiment. Not the exact sentiment. I wish I did. How simple would that make things!? But I don't. So, I can't help but feel like I do nothing more than abuse her daily by simply being her friend. I'm certain she would do nearly anything for me to feel the way she feels about me. Even win a gold medal if she had to. But if there's anything I've learned from Micheal Phelps, it's that no matter how many gold medals you win, your dad still won't congratulate you and you'll still have girls responding "Ew! Gross! " after they find out about your crush on them. In the end, it doesn't matter how many gold medals you have or what you do or how your body looks, you still won't be "good enough" for someone. I still won't be "good enough" for someone.

So, I guess, that's why I don't care to win any gold medal or man-points or achieve success or make anyone proud.
WHAT'S THE POINT?!?!?!?!
If you're doing it for other people, you'll never make anyone else happy. And at the end of the day, what God wants to happen, it's what's going to happen.

So, don't try to take control of your own life, of your own destiny, or of other people, because you're going to lose.

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WHY did I do it!? What is WRONG with me?!

Am i desiring human contact THAT much?
No. Not human contact.
Love.

My heart is crusting over. I can feel it.
"I need a fix 'cause I'm going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown.
I need a fix 'cause I'm going down.
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun.
Happiness is a warm gun
Happiness is a warm gun
When I hold you in my arms
And I feel my finger on your trigger
I know no one can do me no harm
Because happiness is a warm gun.
Yes it is."

Drug addictions are bad. Though, I feel that there are addictions in this world that are just as bad...
"I know no one can do me no harm"
But once you get down from that ride... you feel lower than you did before. You crave that feeling once more.
It feels as though you're never really whole without it again. And that feeling never really goes away...

I never really recovered, I guess. I wonder if anyone can ever really recover. Ever.

And this is why I'm burying myself in the center of the earth, where no one can get to me.
If I do my job right, no one will come to my funeral.

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So... I've racked up about a thou' in debt in the last few weeks... Maybe more.

But I guess that's what happens when your dad decides to stop helping you out financially. Yeah. He got upset about me dropping out and stopped supporting me financially. I don't blame him for that. He has every right to do that. The person he better still help is my mom. I don't care if they're divorced. He owes her at least that.

Taxes is what really did me over. When I started doing my taxes I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I couldn't make sense of it. I didn't have a W-2 but I figured whatever other form I had received wouldn't be that difficult. Well, I got exasperated and went to H&R Block. I couldn't have done it by myself, it turns out. Or I wouldn't have figured it out at least. Apparently my previous job had paid me as if I was my own business. So, I had to fill out my taxes in that way. As if I, Aldo, was my own tutoring/teaching assistant business. Because of that I had to pay for owning my own business. Lovely, huh? All in all, I racked up $800 dollars in debt just that one day.

Luckly for me I got a decent paying job. I'm a security guard now. $10 an hour. The only true cost for having this job is having to shave. I had to rid myself of my beard. I nearly cried. Well, not really. But if I had a soul I would have. After my boss asked me how long I'd had it, I realized I've had my beard for about 4 years or so. But it's worth it, I guess.

It's been really difficult. I have no idea what I'm going to do. None.

I know what I'd love to do.

I don't believe I can do it, though. I honestly don't think I can. Not without a radical life change. However, that opportunity may be opening up. A small work trip to Australia may do what's needed. I'd work as a camp ground attendee. I'd dig trenches, plant trees, mow lawns, feed horses, etc. Maybe then I may get fit enough to come back and do my job. The ad to this job said that they would be willing to pay for travel expenses and I'd have a place to sleep and eat there. It would be wonderful.
Then, maybe then I could come back and do what I'd love to do.
Be a firefighter.

But it's ALL in God's hands.

First I need to clear myself of all this debt. Maybe by mid-june I'll be good and ready...

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There's a certain peace I feel. A peace I haven't felt in a long time...


I've dropped out of school.

I will now be marred as the kid that couldn't cut it. Frankly I don't care and I dare anyone to say that to my face.

My dad's stopped calling. I miss him. If anything, THAT'S what bothers me. It also slightly worries me that my mom still doesn't fully understand why I did it.

But I figure all of that will be worked in time.
Much like everything.

Now all that's left for me to do is get the job.

I pray my dreams haven't lied to me. I pray this peace remains.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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