i looked out the window in an aesthetic sense,
for the first time in 3 days of staring periodically
into the monitor of my laptop avoiding the outside,
and i realized everything that fades or blends
into each other has a little bit of gray in between;
the whiteness of clouds into the blue of sky,
the green of leaves into the brown of trees,
and even the ethereal boundary that defines
the ground's contour from the ephemeral colors
of the atmosphere after a long, inquisitive sight
contains a dark silhouette of gray..

simply beautiful.

at that point, i thought to myself, "where the hell
are we?" no, can't be "hell," where in "heaven?"

then i put what i supposedly perceived my life as
into an introspected perspective.. down to the
conditioned phrase i used to react to such insight,
i questioned my ever present location in heaven
from the solely focused hell i inherently reside in
my mind; the inner demons i'm plagued with in the
constituent experience of my soul blinds me from
the intrinsic prospect of my spirit in the essence
of reality, like the extraneous light in a camera
that spoils a photograph; the extrinsic analysis
of my life contaminated my vision, or sense, of
place in the world.

the pathogenic agents of adventitious thought
can infect the congenital sense of existence in
the soul through accentuating the adventitia of
pathogenesis in the mind, but it never penetrates
to the spirit where heaven and earth are
silhouetted, in gray, against the spectrum of colors
that fill all reality.. but when you get down to it,
it never really matters if there is a black or white,
red or blue, brown or green, whether they
compliment each other or complicate each other,
they are all bound together by a transitive sense
of gray.

and this was leading somewhere, but i forgot, or
i'm tired, or both since faitgue affects memory,
either way, i'll continue another day.. but to put
it simply, and accelerate my point before explaining
it, there are presently three general kinds of reality:
physical, spiritual and mental. and today i just saw,
for the first time in a while, all three at once, in one, at a
single, short-lived glance. this also leads to another point,
but i just realized i'm staring periodically into my laptop
again and the bottom half of my body feels numb.

...

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the threes stages of stress. i'm sure everyone is looking for meaning in their lives..
but i wish i knew how everyone else is handling it. all i have is what i can assume
from everyone else's smiling faces, but i know even appearances can't pierce the
delicately, subtle skin of the soul. i feel as if my own soul has been rotting away at
my own indifference to move it from the dry sun of apathy and cleanse it in a bath of
motivation. but i feel like i'm stranded in the middle of the desert, and all my friends
i used to have to call on are no longer responding to my cries for help or rescue from
this dreary spot i can't help myself to move from. agoraphobic, locked in my own room
all day for days at a time until i find some reason to leave this house to make a quick
trip to the nearby 7-11 down the road or to the casino when i'm left all out of hope.
this existence is cruel, and my innerself is screaming with every scorching ray of
emptiness from this dry sun and lonely climate.. mirages don't even come in my own
dreams anymore, i can't even imagine being found in this desert and finding my way
back to some sense of reason for even being here in the first place.

i decided a very long time ago to preserve what i had left of my deteriorating soul,
and i went through months and sometimes years where i was able to strengthen
what few values i had to make life feel more meaningful..but it's times like these
where you find yourself all back in this state of solitude that ruined your life in the
first place. that feeling you get when you're crying inside and only yearn for the
slightest acknowledgement or the least hint of affection, but you know no one will
ever respond to your emotions when you're stuck a thousand miles in the middle
of the scorching desert with no soul in sight. i can go through days in each week
calling every friend i have in my phone, and only make one step toward progress
by the hundredth attempt..and that's still not even enough, cuz one outting is
only enough to remind me of how miserable the rest of my days alone in this room
will be once i realize how it felt to be out of this desert again and shortly after
thrown back right into it for another long period of solitude until another responds
to my S.O.S. i guess in the end, i'm supposed to learn some lesson from this..but
i think i'm just learning more how to despise my existence and find different ways
to numb away this pain after exhausting all means of coping with it. spirituality,
i have a lot of faith in my creator and the souls who watch over me.. but i know
enough that they can't do much in my situation to help me anymore than i can..
i'm making the calls, trying to reach out to anyone so that i can be found, but it's
not my decision to be acknowledged or not by others.. i feel as if i've exceeded
even desperation, and that reaches the point of indifference.. given up hope.

after months, lost and stranded in this desert, where i put myself i might add.. i
began to notice that i kept calling for rescue in denial that no one will respond,
after experiencing months where no one actually ever did respond..and i've dealt
with so much pain and emptiness that i even began to panic by trying to numb
away at the core of this loneliness..but i only made things worse.. and now i must
come to accept this state as a burden to my existence.. or more like, my existence
is the burden that causes this state of solitary confinement, and i would rather
cease to be than to be the cause of this burden any longer.. my words have been
written, and my soul can now be at ease that it has spoken, and my existence can
continue to bleed in solitude as i dig my own grave in the vast sands of time as i
find myself wandering every inch of this desert drying up so hard that i may soon
become one with these sands as my body and soul rot to dust. help me or end me.

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i keep putting off actually writing an entry with thought.
but i'll get to it sooner or later this week, considering i have nothing else to do.
all i do lately is watch cartoon network all day, eat anything but real food AKA candy,
compulsively gamble at sycuan, and carefully planning out my future academic and
career goals and aspirations. so i got one thing productive down as a good habit.
other than that, i've been back at the guitar, and i've displayed a remarkably large
amount of interest in psychology topics again, mainly learning disabilities and other
fresh subjects in the field. i'm looking toward education degrees using preferred
teaching techniques for children who can't learn or retain material like the majority.
i have more to say, but my favorite cartoons are coming on now and my pizza is
getting cold. my life is miserable, but i remain content with hope for the future.
and hope is rare in my mind, but it's all i have left to rely on next to ambition.
p.s. i saw the movie Dogma again on comedy central the other day, and i just
remembered how much i love that movie because of how much i agree with its
message in every context of the script. seriously, watch that shit and think about
everything said.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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To make an entry, go to the "NuTROL Admin" drop-down menu up at the top, & click "Entries & Mods" that's how you will be able to make new entries & mods & edit them. (Mods are the boxes on the left <----) Let me know if you need further help or would like to change the colors/fonts/backgrounds.

There you go Bahena

Sincerely with sugar (hahaha),
Lhory


YOU ARE A DORK DANNY but i love ya.

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